New here - looking for advice

[pandora1013]

I don't know if I'm posting in the right place but here goes. I've been lurking on TDS for a couple days now. I found it by doing a google search on cocaine addiction. I'm concerned for someone other than myself. A brief background: I am a divorced mom of two small kids (five and six yrs. old). I was with their father for 17 years, married for 12 of those. We divorced a year and a half ago. My ex is an alcoholic and has always loved weed. Has been doing both since he was about 15, now 40. It was a fairly amicable divorce although I think he's still not over it. In the last six months, he's started experimenting with coke. Up until that time, he'd never tried it before. I believe he's snorting it only although I don't know for sure. I tried to tell him in the beginning that coke was addictive and a bad idea. He said he wouldn't get addicted because he couldn't afford to get addicted. I tried to explain that addiction doesn't give a fuck if you can afford it or not. He told me a couple days ago that he is now doing it every couple of days. I don't know how he is affording it, I'm assuming his girlfriend is facilitating it, but I'm sure he's spending what little money he has on it too.

From October to Dec. 23rd, he didn't see the kids at all. Previously he had been seeing them every other weekend ( he lives less than a mile from me). I know he did a three day binge in there somewhere where he didn't sleep for three days and likely didn't eat during that time as well. He blew all his money on it and said it was a great time. I'm concerned for the children and the environment they are in when they stay with him. I would like to help him before he gets too deep into it and can't get out but I'm afraid that's impossible. He loves coke. I mean he loves it. He has gone on and on about how coke gets a bad rap and it's not as bad as everyone thinks and blah blah blah. So, I don't think I can help him. He's still drinking a lot and says now that weed is useless shit and if he'd been introduced to coke when he was younger he would have never bothered with weed. He is truly in love with it.

I'm posting here because you all have the experience with this sort of thing. He has an addictive personality and he LOVES this stuff. What can I do? I feel that for the best interest of my children that I have to put my foot down and say that they are no longer allowed to be at his house, his roommate is also an alcoholic and does coke occasionally with him. His girlfriend is only 22 and weed is her drug of choice but because she is on probabtion for posession, she is now doing coke because "it gets out of your system faster" and she can pass her drug tests this way. I can't have my boys being exposed to this. I don't want to prevent him from seeing his kids or stop my boys from seeing their dad. I'm in a tough situation. I don't know what to do. You all have the experience with this mindset and addiction. Can you give me some advice? I'm clueless about this stuff. The only drug I've ever done is weed and I'm assuming this is a much bigger deal. Is he likely already addicted? Is there no hope other than to watch him spiral downward? Is my best bet just to shield my boys from this and watch him destroy himself? Please help me.

 

[painenduser]

Hey pandora1013,

OMG I totally feel for your situation, now I haven't any experience with coke, but I am a recovering alcoholic with over 530 days sober. Let me start by saying coke does you, you don't do coke, the addiction with coke will keep getting worse escpecially when he has someone enabling him. First things first, you need to not let your kids stay with him anymore, not only because his priority will not be on the kids, but god forbid they get into it and decide to imitate their dad (not uncommon for children of addicts). I don't recall if you mentioned their age, but at any age that is not an environment they should be in.

You could try talking to him, however what I have seen with coke addicts is they tend to think they can do everything with out any issue (ie watch the kids, be he-man ect). I would not allow your kids to have any access to him unless it's supervised visitation. Your in a tough spot because everything did end amicably to it's natural to still think of him more as a friend then some ex asshole, but the point is he is going to quickly become the ex asshole is your kids are around hi when he is high, even if he isn't doing it right now, eventually I'm sure he will. Not to forget I think you said his g/f is an alcoholic, again not a place for the kids. My suggestion to you is try talking to him when he is not high about the situation and if you can't get anywhere, file for full custody of the kids and if you want to allow them to see their father make sure it's under supervised visits only. The only reason I am taking this so serious is quick is because it only takes one lapse in his concentration with the kids for something absolutely horrible to happen and by then it's to late and the guilt will be horrendous and that is not something you want to deal with.

Others who actually have any experience with coke may have different opinions, but it's up to you to decide your final actions, so make sure you read to what everyone has to say and figure out what is best for your situation, as we are not there with you and don't know you or your ex and everyone can react differently. Think smart and think for the kids, not for the addict unless you think about maybe helping him to quit but in the meantime you certainly don't want the kids around that situation.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Missykins]

Who has custody of the children? I get the impression that you do and he has visitation. If that is not the case, then you need to file for full
custody with NO visitation. Your kids are going to be yanked by CPS before you know it, and it can affect YOUR OWN ability to be with them.

Your obligation is to your children, not to him. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

 

[herbavore]

Pandora, I am so sorry that this is happening to all of you--your ex, you and your kids. It affects all of you and will continue to in many ways. I think that going to a Nar-anon or AL_anon meeting might really help you to see that you cannot do anything to "get him to stop". You have a tough job to do being a single mom to a five and a six year old. You will drive yourself crazy trying to make your ex stop. Concentrate on you and your children because your efforts there will actually affect how things go as you all go through this.

What you can do is this: get help for yourself and your kids. Call your county Family Services and ask for referrals.

Good luck. I know you probably feel very alone and scared. Being in a group of people that can relate can really be a life-saver. We are here,too, so don't hesitate to use this site for support as well.

 

[pandora1013]

Thanks so much for the replies. I feel that I should clarify that my boys are my first concern in any of this. I would very much like to help my ex but I feel at this time he is not, in any way, interested in getting help. I tried many times to talk him into going to AA when we were married and he always told me he didn't need it. He could quit on his own. The longest I ever saw him go without drinking was a week. The weed he quit for ten years just because his job randomly tested and he loved his job and never wanted to lose it. The coke scares me tho. He pays me child support and alimony. The alimony is for a three year period only. I asked him a couple months ago, just joking around with him, what he was gonna do with all that money once he didn't have to pay alimony anymore and his reply way " I think I'll get me a coke habit." This was shortly after he tried it for the first time. It scares me because he makes no bones about telling me flat out how much he loves it. He's tried a couple times to get me to try it. Suggesting I drop the kids off at my dad's and "just do a couple lines with him". Who the fuck tries to get their kid's mom into doing coke?!

I want to help him but right now he doesn't think it's a problem so I see no way to help. He's started asking to borrow money from me and asking me to buy groceries for the boys when they are with him, because he's broke. He got paid yesterday and was supposed to have the kids this weekend. Saying I needed to give him money so he could buy them groceries. I had made the decision that he could see the kids this weekend but this would be the last time. he doesn't know that yet. Fortunately, he said he was sick last night so I used that as an excuse to keep them with me.

I spent 17 years of my life with him. I can't help but still love him. Not a wife kind of love, but a friend. I do care what happens to him. Although, it's getting to the point where I only care because of how it will affect the children.

I was hoping that someone with experience with this drug could tell me something. Either that taking the kids visits from him would help him see the light or maybe make him hit rock bottom. I guess there's no way for any of you to know that since you don't know him. Custody is 50-50 buut I am the residential parent. Meaning they live with me and see him every other weekend. I will do what is best for my children first, and always. I start my first day of nursing school on monday. I'm stressed about all of it. But I am tough. I have my priorities in line. My children, my schooling, my personal life and family. I will help him if I can but not if it drags me and my children down with him. I'm sorry if that sounds horribly harsh but someone has to be there for the kids. And that someone is me. I'm sure I'l lbe back for support here and there but taking care of two small kids on my own, going to nursing school and trying to keep it all together will take most of my time. I thank you all so much for your encouragement. You really are a great support group from all the things I've read here. I'm glad I've found you.

 

[painenduser]

Pandora, You will always find support here in TDS, so make sure you check in when you can and let us know how you and your kids are doing. Sadly what I know about coke is that it tends to give people a false sense of being able to do anything they want, meaning that regardless of whats in front of them, they feel as though they can take control of the world, sadly until something happens that breaks them, they will not change. There was a show I saw on I think it was the Discovery channel that was hosted by Robin Williams and the purpose of the show was to show people how certain drugs affected people and one of the guys on the show was a coke user. No matter what they through at him, he felt as though he could handle it and for the most part he did, but the damaging affects of the drug were shown and the thing that I saw that was the scariest to me was the guy was in his 30's I believe and he was a second away from a massive heart attack from the drug, and that alone would give me reason to not have my kids around him. God forbid something happens to him like that while with the kids, I just really don't want to know what could happen. Anyway, like I said earlier I can only speak from the outside of this, but if you need us we are here to help in anyway we can, most certainly we can be there to offer you all the support we can. Good luck to you and feel free to come back anytime and please keep ups upto date with how your doing and good luck with nursing school. I can only wish you the very best!!!!

 

[n3ophy7e]

pandora I'm sorry to hear of the difficult situation you're in. I'm glad you've found this forum because there is a lot of support available to you here

I totally agree with Missykins and herbavore. I think you are absolutely right to stop him from seeing your kids. He is currently NOT fit to be a guardian in any way. It can be very damaging for children to see their parents drunk and/or high, and it can have a major impact on their drug/alcohol use later in their life. I think you should definitely file for full custody and considering the circumstances I can't see why you wouldn't be granted that straight away. It's for your children's safety, but also eventually it will hopefully become a major factor in your ex-husband wanting to quit coke. That may happen in a few months' time, or a few years' time, or never, who knows. But of course you must absolutely look out for your children first and foremost, and as much as you love your ex and care about him, you should get full custody of your children and stop him from seeing them, for their sake. Good luck hun, and please keep us updated with the situation