I finally decided to come out of the shadows. I have been a secret addict and tried to hide it from everyone including myself. I enjoy reading about everyone else's using and stories. I came here after a Google search o how to increase the effects of pain pills. I guess I am what I have always loathed, a pill head. I have been using for a while and have fucked up a few peoples life. I have lost a lot of personal relationships and have always made some story in my head to place the blame on the other person, never me.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I guess I had to rationalize it to myself some how. I don't remember when this started, but it had to be before 21. I was in prison for a non drug related non violent reason (thinking back, it had everything to do with drugs and I did not even know it myself until recently) its the only time I have ever been in trouble with the law (or caught by them I should say) and I was locked away for four years. I am now 32 and have two boys. I have lost my mother (she died two years ago) and my life has gone crazy out of control since then. I feel guilty now because I know she sees a side of me now that while she was living she never did. I know also that I got my addictive personality from both my mom and my alcoholic father. I ruined some great relationships. my little sister is an addict too, but as I have done, she has hid it and admitted to no one (including herself) she is an addict. I see it because its what I am doing. My family will never believe this of her and she uses me to blame stuff on so my "family" are fast to blame me and believe her lies over mine. I guess its good that I am a chicken shit. It has kept me from using more than I do. In fear of over dosing. I have not shot up (thought about it) because of fear of infection and getting things in my vein that shouldn't be. so instead, I have faked illness to go to e.r and get an IV so they shoot it for me. I must be good because they believe me most of the time and admit me with a huge dose of meds every three hours in the IV usually for three to five days and then discharge me with a large prescription. I don't even know if I want to stop as I enjoy it too much. It eases the mental pain. I guess I am using this blog to get my own thoughts in order. My mother always said I should write a book about my life, and maybe I will. This is more therapeutic than I thought it would be. Ok, I will try and keep up with this on a daily basis, but this is enough for today and I have to go and take my meds.
I guess I had to rationalize it to myself some how. I don't remember when this started, but it had to be before 21. I was in prison for a non drug related non violent reason (thinking back, it had everything to do with drugs and I did not even know it myself until recently) its the only time I have ever been in trouble with the law (or caught by them I should say) and I was locked away for four years. I am now 32 and have two boys. I have lost my mother (she died two years ago) and my life has gone crazy out of control since then. I feel guilty now because I know she sees a side of me now that while she was living she never did. I know also that I got my addictive personality from both my mom and my alcoholic father. I ruined some great relationships. my little sister is an addict too, but as I have done, she has hid it and admitted to no one (including herself) she is an addict. I see it because its what I am doing. My family will never believe this of her and she uses me to blame stuff on so my "family" are fast to blame me and believe her lies over mine. I guess its good that I am a chicken shit. It has kept me from using more than I do. In fear of over dosing. I have not shot up (thought about it) because of fear of infection and getting things in my vein that shouldn't be. so instead, I have faked illness to go to e.r and get an IV so they shoot it for me. I must be good because they believe me most of the time and admit me with a huge dose of meds every three hours in the IV usually for three to five days and then discharge me with a large prescription. I don't even know if I want to stop as I enjoy it too much. It eases the mental pain. I guess I am using this blog to get my own thoughts in order. My mother always said I should write a book about my life, and maybe I will. This is more therapeutic than I thought it would be. Ok, I will try and keep up with this on a daily basis, but this is enough for today and I have to go and take my meds.
i agree, keeping a blog is definitely therapeutic. i also find it extremely helpful at times to look back on blog entries and see how far i've progressed. it helps. 
