New here - any advice?

[irishgirl555]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I hope so...so, I was hooked on oxys for many years and was taking 15-18 40mg a day, usually snorting them...about 4 and a half years ago, I got on subutex, which was a miracle drug and got me off pills...but, I'm an addict and even though I didn't feel any different, I'd always take more subs than prescribed...back in August, my doc said if I asked for another early refil, he'd cut me off and I'd have to go to rehab...well, on February 2nd, my little brother died...he was 29 and it was a methadone overdose...he was not big into opiates, he was a drinker and used meth...after a 4 day binge, he was detoxing and I think took methadone to take the edge off but it was too much and he never woke up...so, I ran out of my subs early and gave my doc some lame excuse and he told the front desk lady to tell me to go to rehab...I work full time, my brother just died so I decided to stop subs with the support of my family...I jumped from 10-12mg a day and my whole family was so proud...it was hard and then day 21 rolled around and I decided to go hangout with an old friend and drink...well, that led me to smoking some heroin, which I've never done before...it reminded me of oxys for the first couple of hours but then I just started throwing up and was sick all night, smoked a little more yesterday morning and threw up all morning....I just feel so guilty, like I've let everyone down...I'm scared that I'm gonna get sick or the sub wd are gonna get worse (even at day 21 I still couldn't sit still long)...I'm having so much anxiety like my 21 days are gone and I have to start all over...I don't know, I just feel like such a loser for being so weak...the good thing I guess is I don't want to touch H again because it made
Me so sick...I feel like I let everyone down and just thought I'd reach out here for any advice...I just felt like I can't deal with my little brothers death and getting off subs...it's just so hard and so much...thanks for reading!

 

[Cdkman]

First of all your 21 days are not gone that is just addiction trying to get u to throw away your recovery and start back up..21 days are big and a few days using isn't gonna make a huge difference..it will only be as bad as u make it out to be..u need to be sober more than ever to go thru the grieving of the loss of your brother with nothing to numb u out so u can get thru this.

 

[irishgirl555]

Thank you for responding!! You're right, the mental part of addiction is seriously crazy and that's the worst part...I'm thinking of going to a meeting tonight...don't think it will hurt...I don't know, I just am so mad at myself!!

 

[Cdkman]

Just being around people that understand will help..u didn't become addicted overnight so your recovery will take some time..I hope you are doing okay you are not alone in this fight

 

[irishgirl555]

Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement...it really means a lot to me...I'm doing the best I can and hopefully each day will get better and I'll stay strong this time and not let my head get the best of me