Molly_Girl
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2014
- Messages
- 13
Hi all,
I've been reading Bluelight for quite some time and finally decided to join. I am pretty overwhelmed at the moment and will try to be brief rather than blabber on forever.
In a nutshell, here is my story- I was a heroin addict for 5 years and got clean when I was 22. Stayed clean for over 3 years, built my life back up, live on my own, employed, go to school, reasonably happy, etc. In the beginning of the summer I started experimenting going out and discovered that I really loved the rave scene, especially because I missed out on "partying" and having fun when I was younger when most people get into it. I enjoyed myself totally sober for a little while and then started meeting and talking to people who did MDMA.
I kind of knew what it was, but I never really gave MDMA much thought. I always thought I was an opiate purist and wasn't interested in any other kind of high. When I was hanging out with someone who had ecstasy and asked me if I wanted to try some, I didn't really give it a second thought thinking "how harmful can this little pill be".
Well, I'm sure I am preaching to the choir, but it was the best drug experience I have ever had, and was completely unexpected. All I could think was why did I choose to numb myself for so many years when I could've been doing this? I loved it immediately... the problem is, a little too much.
My "addict" way of thinking was unleashed and I did it 3 days in a row, with no sleep. By the third day it was nothing but the negative side effects. But I couldn't stop replaying that first second when the surge hit and kept trying to recreate it.
Anyway, since then (July) I've been doing it about once a week, spending lots of money on stuff that mostly sucks. Two Saturdays ago at a rave I met someone who had "molly" and I gave it a try and oh boy, I experienced everything I read on here about what MDMA should feel like.
Since I met that guy 2 weeks ago, I have been doing it 2-3 times a week. I've discovered taking ambien or klonopin to get to sleep to avoid the come down but the next day the depression is so bad that it is borderline suicidal. I keep trying to not be an addict... I keep trying to monitor my dose, only do it on weekends, not let it interfere with school and work, but I can't control it. Knowing that it is a terrible idea (based on what I've read here) to even roll more than once a month does not stop me. Even though I know the come downs are only going to get worse and I already need a much higher dose to roll for a shorter amount of time, I know that I am not done. I am much too in love with the moment it hits, the moment the floor starts to move, the moment the lights become amazing, the moment I become more emotionally open with people than I've ever been in my life.
I have 3 more caps and am trying to wait until tomorrow to do them because I rolled last night. We'll see how that works out.
Another side note, I have been on Wellbutrin for depression for 3 years. I don't take it when I roll. Also, I have an autoimmune condition that I am sure this is not helping. I know very well how to take care of myself physically and I have not been doing it lately.
I guess that is all. It's already nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.
I've been reading Bluelight for quite some time and finally decided to join. I am pretty overwhelmed at the moment and will try to be brief rather than blabber on forever.
In a nutshell, here is my story- I was a heroin addict for 5 years and got clean when I was 22. Stayed clean for over 3 years, built my life back up, live on my own, employed, go to school, reasonably happy, etc. In the beginning of the summer I started experimenting going out and discovered that I really loved the rave scene, especially because I missed out on "partying" and having fun when I was younger when most people get into it. I enjoyed myself totally sober for a little while and then started meeting and talking to people who did MDMA.
I kind of knew what it was, but I never really gave MDMA much thought. I always thought I was an opiate purist and wasn't interested in any other kind of high. When I was hanging out with someone who had ecstasy and asked me if I wanted to try some, I didn't really give it a second thought thinking "how harmful can this little pill be".
Well, I'm sure I am preaching to the choir, but it was the best drug experience I have ever had, and was completely unexpected. All I could think was why did I choose to numb myself for so many years when I could've been doing this? I loved it immediately... the problem is, a little too much.
My "addict" way of thinking was unleashed and I did it 3 days in a row, with no sleep. By the third day it was nothing but the negative side effects. But I couldn't stop replaying that first second when the surge hit and kept trying to recreate it.
Anyway, since then (July) I've been doing it about once a week, spending lots of money on stuff that mostly sucks. Two Saturdays ago at a rave I met someone who had "molly" and I gave it a try and oh boy, I experienced everything I read on here about what MDMA should feel like.
Since I met that guy 2 weeks ago, I have been doing it 2-3 times a week. I've discovered taking ambien or klonopin to get to sleep to avoid the come down but the next day the depression is so bad that it is borderline suicidal. I keep trying to not be an addict... I keep trying to monitor my dose, only do it on weekends, not let it interfere with school and work, but I can't control it. Knowing that it is a terrible idea (based on what I've read here) to even roll more than once a month does not stop me. Even though I know the come downs are only going to get worse and I already need a much higher dose to roll for a shorter amount of time, I know that I am not done. I am much too in love with the moment it hits, the moment the floor starts to move, the moment the lights become amazing, the moment I become more emotionally open with people than I've ever been in my life.
I have 3 more caps and am trying to wait until tomorrow to do them because I rolled last night. We'll see how that works out.
Another side note, I have been on Wellbutrin for depression for 3 years. I don't take it when I roll. Also, I have an autoimmune condition that I am sure this is not helping. I know very well how to take care of myself physically and I have not been doing it lately.
I guess that is all. It's already nice to know that I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.