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krychick

krychick

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 10, 2011
Messages
15
Location
New York
Hey all,

Found this site and after reading a bit knew it was right for me. I've been using drugs for a long time. Started with Weed in high school and moved to my first romance with opiates when my mom died, I raided all her scripts, took everything that had the orange label on it. It was good, I knew it. Second romance came when I was working and nursing an injury, had a great doc who would prescribe boatloads of Vicodin and another doc at the same time prescribing. It was good. Weaned off it. Third and best romance came with Oxy a few years ago, I almost died from it, I pulled back and lived free for a time, but with all romances, whether good or bad, you sometimes take the bad lover back because it feels so good. Can't get Oxy anymore, but I get MSContin also Morphine IR, Valium and Ambien prescribed. I am also in love with weed. Nodding is my good time lover, I can't live without it, and now that I am classified as a chronic pain patient, I hopefully will never be without opiates ever again. My life is never right without them, whatever the trouble they cause, I need them in my life. I love pills but feel I am not getting the max high I could be getting. But I don't want to kill myself, so it's good to know there are people who have experience getting high without taking it too far. I can't talk to anyone in my real life about it, so hopefully I can find some kindred spirits here.

More about me... I am a Buddhist, which seems contradictory with what's written above. I am mostly solitary and have always been, I love to read and do anything that expands my knowledge. I am curious by nature, anything historic or scientific sparks my interest. I love music, movies, books. Right now I am going through a divorce and have a young son, which keeps me from going too far with drugs. Anything else, get to know me and I'll tell.
 
I enjoy it greatly, I think it is one of the things that has helped me not wander too far down the dark path and has given me the courage at times to walk alone, if you know what I mean. I sometimes have trouble with the conflict of using drugs and being Buddhist, but without drugs I don't feel normal. I often wonder if something is lacking in my body chemistry that makes me not feel right without drugs, and if so, does that make me sick and the drugs are the medicine? But as the saying goes, the Buddha is the Doctor that brings the healing medicine, the Damma. I wonder, why isn't that enough?

*shrugs*

I see your avatar- may I enquire if you are also Buddhist?
 
I am not a Buddhist, my avatar is part of artwork for a music release (Merzbow - Merzbient).

It is Buddha though, as it is part of a Japanese garden. :)

I curse god on a daily basis so I don't know what that makes me or anything... =D :|

I have ADHD and have had it my whole life. So I wouldn't feel bad about needing medication, it is normal - if you get strep throat you will need medication to recover, so I don't think it is wrong to need psychiatric drugs to feel OK. :)

I got addicted to heroin as a means to self-medicate ADHD symptoms, and I didn't even realize what had happened until after I had gotten clean from heroin for a while, then diagnosed as ADHD.

If Buddha didn't want you using drugs, why would they be here then? :) That is how I think of it.
 
Yes. I have bipolar disorder, and the medications they want to give me to control that are much worse than anything I use to self medicate... My body feels wrong on those medicines but feels right on the 'wrong' medicines. I did not know I had bipolar until about two years ago, but I have had it my whole life. With that one diagnosis everything came together for me, as well as my admission to myself as to why I was using drugs, why I could use them in such quantity and not keel over as I saw many did... Nodding for me is the ultimate peace because I don't feel anything, which is exactly what I want. On other occasions the noises are too loud and the colors too bright, or everything is covered with a dingy film and the people around me have no faces, I am lost. When on the nod there is no feeling at all, not euphoric or anything, like, I know people who use and say they do it to have a good time, I am not looking to have a good time, I am looking to have 'no time,' a break from intensity of any emotions. I hope that makes sense in some way.

One thing you said about the Buddha, that if He did not want me using drugs, why would they be there? I guess there is no easy answer to that. The Buddha is not a god, but our Teacher who shows the Way. At times I think the drugs are there to help me, but at other time I feel they are something to be overcome. Though there is a specific prohibition from using alcohol (which I do not use at all- wrong for me) in Buddhism, one that has been expanded by many to include drugs also, the teaching that always resounds in me when I struggle is this- the Buddha said not to believe anything, not even if He said it, unless you've experienced it for yourself and know the truth of it or not. I have over 20 years of drug use under my belt to attest that drugs are beneficial to me in certain amounts, I have gone over those amounts at times, mostly in my manic stages. Now, have I reached a happy medium? No. But I know if I go to my doctors and say 'I've abused opiates and benzodiazapines for many years in an attempt to self medicate,' I will get atypical antipsychotics, lithium and perhaps an antidepressant. I can't do that, I've been there and know it is wrong for me. It is indeed a conundrum and don't quite know what to do about it.

Peace to you, nice to meet you. :)
 
Welcome to Bluelight! Do you need help finding the Drug Culture forum? That's where we keep it poppin' ! ;)
 
I would think of it as the drugs that are acceptable to use are those that have medicinal effects, and the ones that aren't OK to use are those that are all recreational and not medicinal.

Of course some are both medicinal and recreational... in which case it's all about finding a perfect balance between the two. I.e. not running out early due to a binge, but also enjoying yourself in the most productive way possible, as life was meant to be enjoyed.


Feel free to PM me if you have more struggles with this, as it is something most of us go through.
 
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