New, 3 days since my last oxy and the weight of what I've lost is hitting hard

[Innerdissolve]

I've been taking 20 to 60 mg of oxycodone daily for about 3 years. It started slow with every now and then and increased to total dependence and excuses. I needed them initially for pain and surgeries, then just enjoyed them even when not in pain.

I went from productive and working to being so lethargic and detached that I see how much I've failed my kids and my heart is broken into pieces, just a lot of tears tonight.

I decided to stop cold turkey and not look back, I see the dead end road of this addiction and how much worse it can get.

Just so sad and sorrowful for who I became.

Its the first time I've felt it.

 

[bdomihizayka]

Congrats on quitting! You'll be feeling many more feelings very shortly as well. The "reinstatement" of feelings it an intense one. You will probably not only have strong negative feelings, but positive ones too. The withdrawal is going to suck, but it won't be that bad. The post acute period (after the initial physical withdrawal) is probably what's going to kick your butt. You really NEED to exercise to get those natural endorphins back up and pumping on their own again (endogenous morphine), as the opiates have replaced them in your body. You're going to have no feel good chemicals, but exercise will speed up the healing process and help with all the symptoms very quickly. Eat as clean as you can as well, and take a multi vitamin and some fish oil daily.

Of course you don'y NEED to take mine or anyone else's advice. I know it's easy to be a lazy-ass in this culture, especially when you're withdrawing from drugs, but good luck just sitting around waiting to heal without taking your own initiative to kickstart it yourself. It's going to be a long, tedious wait. Exercise speeds it up incredibly so.

 

[Innerdissolve]

Thanks so much for replying. Meditating and praying is the only thing that gave me the strength to start. After my post last night (was up all night), I went outside at about 1:30 am and just walked and looked at the stars. Thanking God for this chance. To be more present for my family, be productive and actually start living again. This took me from such an active lifestyle to laying on the couch almost always and being numbed out. Just a shadow of myself.

I know I used them to numb emotional problems, like past abuse, the murder of a family member. I'm working on letting those feelings flow through me and not resisting them. And all my fears that have basically paralyzed me, of being out of control, death...funny thing is, these very drugs are what makes you out of control and closer to death. Although you use them to run from those things.

Im definitely going to take your advice and exercise. I'm not familiar with the post acute period, but I will read about it. I've been taking gabapentin and just 2 loperamide a day and shockingly haven't been too bad with WD symptoms so far. I did this once before for four days with nothing, and I was in hell. Extreme diarrhea that had me running to the bathroom starting day 2, chills, sweats, RLS, aching, and all the mental stuff too. That was at a time when my dose was lower too.

Could the gab be helping that much? I wonder what today will bring though. I'm just riding out the insomnia and reading or meditating.

 

[bdomihizayka]

Meditation is awesome. It CAN make things worse though for you depending on where you are at in life/ what kind you are practicing, BUT, it continued, it will be one of the most beneficial things that you can do for yourself. Good on you for doing so! I am a big meditater and still am having a tough time at life - but I know it will help me in the long-run.

Since you're a meditater, realize that thoughts are just like clouds- they can be pretty, ugly, dark, etc., but they are fundamentally none of your business- they are not you. And feelings and emotions are just thoughts played at high speed.

Gabapentin can really mitigate opiate withdrawal symptoms. There are many threads here offering proof of this. I have to agree with them all- it is probably the best tool at combating withdrawal, pharmaceutical-wise. The loperamide is an opiate that doesn't penetrate the BBB, and thus also mitigates many withdrawal symptoms. You want to make sure you don't become dependent on that though, as it is an opioid agonist as well. I would stop taking it after a week or so. Oh, and same goes for the gabapentin- it can be habit forming, and you probably don't want to use it longer than a couple weeks. The withdrawal can be pretty nasty in and of itself as well- like a cross between a benzo and opiate withdrawal in my experiences.

 

[herbavore]

Congratulations on quitting! Those feelings of sadness are just fine. Let them happen and then let them pass. Remorse over what has happened, over things that you have or have not done is natural and healthy. Getting stuck in remorse becomes guilt and guilt leads to shame. Don't fall into addictions oldest trap. You made some bad decisions but most likely you made them for seemingly rational reasons at the time (assuaging emotional pain after the physical pain of the surgeries had ended). Now is the time to look forward and be energized by faith in yourself. I think one of the most authentic gifts parents can give their children is to show them the common vulnerabity we all experience as human beings and the adaptability and integrity that we can create to change ourselves and our lives for the better. Our offspring do not need us to be perfect--they need us to be honest and authentic and healthy enough to give them the unfettered love they deserve. I'm so glad that you made an account and a thread for support.

 

[Innerdissolve]

I've been meditating off and on for years before my addiction creeped up on me. Took forever to even see it as one. As I "needed them for pain". You know, I didn't even know you could become physically addicted before it happened. I was that naive about it.

Meditation has surfaced many things for me that were very difficult to face and process so I get what you're saying. But I have had many beautiful experiences with waking up and seeing the nature of reality in amazing ways also. It is life changing, and I learned that sometimes when our lives are messed up, they are supposed to be and we are learning and changing the most if we are being conscious of ourselves, of everything. Look at what were resisting, or what cycles we are engaging in. Things will settle inwardly regardless of our outer world.

I wrote this in another thread but I wanted to share it here too so I coped and pasted about an experience I had today after a lot of exercise-



"Today I was hurting pretty bad in my back, legs, and feet, and I laid down and meditated and just fully went into the pain, accepted it fully. Being human, feeling...a strange thing happened and I began to feel a gratitude for that, for all the beautiful things I've been able to experience bc of my ability to feel period. Something I seriously numbed for quite awhile.


And then my pain just went away. I've never had that happen"

I had focused on sensing the energy of the pain flowing through my body, really studying it. I'd say it was about a level 6 to 7 pain, kind of intense. Something I normally would be running to the pill bottle for.

 

[Innerdissolve]

That meant so much to me it made me tear up. Thank you from my heart.

Ive tried my best to show them love, support, a safe space for honesty with no judgment. But just physically I've been so unproductive. Missed swim meets, school functions. Had take out more often than not. And I know my emotions were blunted. And I regret that. I wish I could get the time back. But as you said life isn't perfect and neither are we. They know I would jump in front of a train for them atleast