• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Never thought it would be quite like this...

FreshFr0mDet0x

FreshFr0mDet0x

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2005
Messages
119
Location
California
I don't want to throw up a big whiny baww of a thread here, and I wish I came and checked in on bl more often other than just when I'm feeling lonely, which is why I always end up posting in TDS. But what can I say. It's a dark time. Could always be darker.

I have come back to San Diego, yet again having failed to get out into the world and make a life for myself. I get in my own way a lot. Do the easy thing in front of me instead of the harder, long term goals. I just never thought, when I was younger, that things would get this bad. I have spent myself into some pretty serious debt by being a compulsive drug user.

I did a lot of using when I was really young, and before I ever began to even TRY and get smart about it, now I am paying the consequences of a series of bad choices. It just sucks to be cut off from my family. At the moment I find that to be one of the biggest tragedies and hardest parts to deal with about where I find myself. I mean I'm an adult, and I know I need to learn to rely on myself more, but I have little enough family and it hurts to know that somebody you love won't even talk to you. Anyhow. Boo fucking hoo. It hasn't happened suddenly, and I haven't lost the will to live yet, so I'm going to try to piece things back together, slowly.
 
^
this is the right track...

i can imagine only, having your parents cut you out for so long.
this obviously means a lot to you, being scared is normal taking on so much, and taking it seriously.

keep a pace and keep the big picture in sight.
if you try, and then do, consistently, changing your life style and bettering yourself they should recognize your effort eventually, take it as a larger goal.
if you do make these changes, and they still refuse to acknowledge them after so long, then they will be the ones with the problem, and you know how hard it is to make people change...

stay above that, see it for what it is, and let it motivate you to live an accepting, foreward thinking life.
 
The process of rebuilding your life after a life of drug use can seem monumental, so I actually think that it's better to set small, easy-to-achieve goals for yourself each day. The process of rebuilding your life is difficult, so break it down into a simpler process that will eventually allow you to reach your long-term goals. Identify your long-term goals and approach obtaining them step-by-step, which can help you from thinking of it as overwhelming.

As far as your family goes, you regain trust through your actions and not your words. What will your family require before they will trust you again? Have you considered contacting them yourself and asking them that? Be proactive.
 
I know it's really hard when you make changes and everything isn't all peachy immediately but rebuilding usually trust requires sustained change rather than heroic gestures. In many behaviour modification models three months is regarded as the very minimum time required for change to start "sticking" and there's still a very high risk of lapsing back into previous default behaviours at that point.

One mistake people often make during estrangements is wanting things back "the way they were". If "the way they were" was functional and sustainable then the estrangement wouldn't have occurred in the first place so rebuilding the relationship requires recognising and acknowledging which parts of it were healthy and which were not - it's terribly easy to slip right back into the dysfunctional aspects along with the healthy ones.

I would consider sending them a Thanksgiving card, not to be manipulative but to let them know that you think of and miss them. When we're totally estranged from people it's easy to interpret the silence as evidence that they have moved on and no longer think of us or that they're happy without us in their lives. You don't want to convey that impression to your family at this point.
 
Hey all. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your responses. Not to overdo it but I am finding myself quite moved that a few people took the time to reply. Thanks.

I shouldn't be surprised that I'm quite emotional at the moment, very recently began trying to kick again, like within the past 2-3 days, and avoid other pitfalls. Added to which, I am fairly well accustomed to being quite socially active, regardless of how things are going. I certainly was this past summer. But a month ago I reached the end of my rope and had to ask some family if could come stay with to get back on my feet. Not for the first time either, but also not under the worst of circumstances considering some of the shit I have been through. I digress. I have come back and am staying with a family member in a semi-remote house in which I have been cooped up the past month, barely interacting with anybody. So your attention and kind words mean a lot to me.

As for my digression though, the family member who I would have preferred to stay with, my mom, and my only parent basically forever, has just had enough. She has been through a lot with me, but I honestly do think that her fear and resulting behavior around my drug use has made things worse. Anyhow, she won't talk to me now, let alone permit me to come by and get some things. As November matures I'm realizing this probably won't be sorted by the holidays. So I'll spend them with my kooky extended family, whom I am very lucky to have. Thanks for the suggestion to send a card Lolie, I'll probably do that.

Unrelated: There Will Be Blood is a hell of a flick.
 
I read some of your old posts after I posted before and noticed that you studied psychology at university. That's probably both an asset and a hindrance at this point because you know all the intellectual stuff but you don't have the emotional distance from it which allows you to be objective.
 
Im from SD as well and had to move back for somewhat similar reasons. It sucks, Im still battling depression on a daily basis, on top of my anxiety that depletes my appetite and causes me to vomit when i wake up, often for hours, and gettin kicked out!

Keep trying, and I promise one day you might not make it where you WANT to be, but youll get somewhere where you can be happy til ya die!
 
i feel ya, i live in riverside. lived in sd for 8 years but im 23 with nothing to show. i have no car, no liscense, no girl, no job, no money,no motivation, no self worth, no college, i have a opiate addiction, and am 10k in debt. but im clean so thats good i guess. even though it seems alot easier to go out and be a junkie again. that would be a waste of life though.

im most likley moving back to sd with my friends which is pretty close to downtown sd. i lived in oceanside for 7 years.
 
Shamless self-bump. I should have chosen less of a drag of a thread title. Oh well, I really appreciate the feedback so shameless I shall remain.

I am a few days into yet another detox. Feeling the expected feelings, on top of a lot of low self-esteem and anxiety that has come along with screwing up so badly, again.

How do you motivate yourself when you feel incompetent, lonely, despondent, whatever. How do you kickstart yourself and get out of the house and just go through the steps and get a job etc. so you can start building a life you are happy with? It sounds near-impossible at the low points, though I know it isn't.

Again unrelated: If you are so inclined, please recommend a quality film or tv show that you thoroughly enjoyed and found highly engrossing. I realize sitting around watching movies does not a fulfilling life produce, but it can really help get through some of the rough patches.
 
FreshFr0mDet0x said:
How do you motivate yourself when you feel incompetent, lonely, despondent, whatever. How do you kickstart yourself and get out of the house and just go through the steps and get a job etc. so you can start building a life you are happy with? It sounds near-impossible at the low points, though I know it isn't.
Click to expand...

Because if you don't, you'll die. Like all other animals, your basic instinct to survive kicks in. That's how it's worked for me. I didn't want to be a homeless junkie with HIV and HepC, in jail, no family, dead at thirty. The reality of those prospects were enough to get me moving. Just play the tape.
 
First, get a job (even in this economy, three days in nice clothes and a respectful demeanor, applying at every fast-food and gas station WILL land you a job).
Then, work on getting a job you like.
As for friends, it's the opposite. Don't hang out with anyone you don't WANT as a close friend.

You'll get there!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top