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Addiction Never thought I would Be here but Here I am

Coffeeshroom

Coffeeshroom

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jan 17, 2019
Messages
4,170
Don't know where to start but i figured if i can report in everyday that im still clean or recovering that it will motivate me. When it comes to personal shit I'm a man of few words as thats how (boertjies) were brought up.

So to get to the point i want off the opiates/opioids and today is the first off many other days that im back on subs. My benzo addiction/habit is at least low as i normally never go over 10mg a day unless im doing the whole waiting game from H to Subs. Just to sleep or black out. Yeah i know this is not good.

So this this is just for me to help motivate myself to get clean, plus i have studies coming up in the medical field and know there i will be tested for drugs randomly plus I need to be sober and clear minded to do these studies

And i also just want to also do this just to flip everyone off that said i wont amount to shit.

Well that's me for now.

And this was hard for me to even type this and put it out there.
 
@Coffeeshroom

Sure you amount to a lot of good. This thread proves it. You realize that what you have been doing "is not good". And now you are doing something to fix that issue. Way to go! If you would do nothing to fix the problem(s) and if you just did not care... And just keep going and going until you fall, it would be sad. But this is positive development. I wish strength to you, and you will receive support from here. From Bluelight.
 
Thanks brotha. I just took a long 1hr walk to get some meds (more benzos and gabapentin) but i took a lot detours to make it longer and it was good for me to think and make plans and how to implement it and make it work.

Lol and here we go with the rain again. I was walking in the heat and now got home and its thunder building up to a rain storm that will last 30 min odd and then sun again, what a bitch.

So im contemplating taking another 2mg subs but i always take sublingual or mostly but im thinking about the waste of bioavailibility so thinking about intra nasal that boost it up at least 20-30%. maybe then just bumping 1mg will do the trick.

Also just had 12mg loperamide.

No alcohol also so far which is good as it is a trigger.

So just some more subs to help me say no.
 
Hallo sampioen. Ek vind dit ook moerse moeilik om my gevoelens uit te druk op die internet forums - hou maar alles vir myself. Ek is nog wakker, kan nie slaap nie. Ek is besig om minder benzos te gebruik. Dis nie maklik nie. Sterkte vir jou...
 
Good on you for getting some stuff out, and taking efforts to hold yourself accountable. I used to use an app, to track all of the meds/drugs I had taken each day, at what times and at what dosages. This helped me immensely, not sure if something like that would be useful to you, but it might help you keep track of everything you're taking, if you're trying to taper off or keep your doses low.

But, best of luck bro, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I've been through the ringer, particularly the past two (honestly four) years. I'm back on subs myself, and feeling a lot better. Glad the H didn't suck me back in, but it definitely left it's mark in my very brief relapse.
 
Essentialle123 said:
Hallo sampioen. Ek vind dit ook moerse moeilik om my gevoelens uit te druk op die internet forums - hou maar alles vir myself. Ek is nog wakker, kan nie slaap nie. Ek is besig om minder benzos te gebruik. Dis nie maklik nie. Sterkte vir jou...
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Fokkem suiwer afrikaans, dis net irie bruh. Maar dankie vir die gawe woorde. Nogsteeds fokol geslaap nie maar sal maar net deur druk.
 
deficiT said:
Good on you for getting some stuff out, and taking efforts to hold yourself accountable. I used to use an app, to track all of the meds/drugs I had taken each day, at what times and at what dosages. This helped me immensely, not sure if something like that would be useful to you, but it might help you keep track of everything you're taking, if you're trying to taper off or keep your doses low.

But, best of luck bro, I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I've been through the ringer, particularly the past two (honestly four) years. I'm back on subs myself, and feeling a lot better. Glad the H didn't suck me back in, but it definitely left it's mark in my very brief relapse.
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Yeah this was fucking hard for me to admit and acknowledge but this roller coaster ride of mine has to stop now. It's just making me lose at the end of the day.

I will look into the app but currently im doing it old skool with notebook and a pen lol. But i will definitely holler at you when i need to.

Much Love
 
Well it's just pass 5am here and i still have no cravings or physical that is but my mind wants badly but no. Gonna hold out till 6amish and then maybe take 2mg subs and 5mg valium.
 
Coffeeshroom said:
Fokkem suiwer afrikaans, dis net irie bruh. Maar dankie vir die gawe woorde. Nogsteeds fokol geslaap nie maar sal maar net deur druk.
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Hoop jy kan aan die slaap raak terwyl dit so lekker reën. Ek het maar sopas ń halwe Zolpidem tablet geneem - hoop om eventually aan die slaap te raak. Ek't ń donnerse hoofpyn 😂
 
Essentialle123 said:
Hoop jy kan aan die slaap raak terwyl dit so lekker reën. Ek het maar sopas ń halwe Zolpidem tablet geneem - hoop om eventually aan die slaap te raak. Ek't ń donnerse hoofpyn 😂
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Slaap is vir die voels :ROFLMAO:. Maar ek raak nou moerig met die reun, ek wil gras sny. my tuin ruk hand uit en die reen fok my swembad ook op. Lol maar hoop jy kry 'n uiltjie knip of twee :sleep:
 
Coffeeshroom said:
Don't know where to start but i figured if i can report in everyday that im still clean or recovering that it will motivate me. When it comes to personal shit I'm a man of few words as thats how (boertjies) were brought up.

So to get to the point i want off the opiates/opioids and today is the first off many other days that im back on subs. My benzo addiction/habit is at least low as i normally never go over 10mg a day unless im doing the whole waiting game from H to Subs. Just to sleep or black out. Yeah i know this is not good.

So this this is just for me to help motivate myself to get clean, plus i have studies coming up in the medical field and know there i will be tested for drugs randomly plus I need to be sober and clear minded to do these studies

And i also just want to also do this just to flip everyone off that said i wont amount to shit.

Well that's me for now.

And this was hard for me to even type this and put it out there.
Click to expand...
Good on you man, for putting this out there. It can be really hard to be vulnerable and to share your truth publicly, especially when you were brought up to be the opposite. But in my experience it helps SO MUCH to be honest and vulnerable, to ourself and to others, when getting clean. It definitely adds another element of accountability to what you do. Much love <3
 
Morning All, Not feeling great or in a good mood as last night was just another chaotic pub brawl. Don't wanna go into details but yeah was bad.

But that aside, Im still clean and only on subs, had my 2mg dose an hr ago with 5mg valium.

I was so close to getting this morning cause I'm so livid about last night but chose not to go to my DOC to cope.
So just checking in to say still clean and pushing through, like the guy that almost ended going through a window, lucky for him it was a shopping center window that's hard or shatter proof or whatever you call.

Hope everyone is having a good Sunday so far.
 
well done for not scoring!! every time you do that, your neural pathways will start to get accustomed to taking a different route.

probably not a good idea to be going to the pub right now if you end up in brawls. addiction feeds off guilt and shame and i can't imagine you feel good about yourself when you get involved in shit like that.
 
Brav
Coffeeshroom said:
Don't know where to start but i figured if i can report in everyday that im still clean or recovering that it will motivate me. When it comes to personal shit I'm a man of few words as thats how (boertjies) were brought up.

So to get to the point i want off the opiates/opioids and today is the first off many other days that im back on subs. My benzo addiction/habit is at least low as i normally never go over 10mg a day unless im doing the whole waiting game from H to Subs. Just to sleep or black out. Yeah i know this is not good.

So this this is just for me to help motivate myself to get clean, plus i have studies coming up in the medical field and know there i will be tested for drugs randomly plus I need to be sober and clear minded to do these studies

And i also just want to also do this just to flip everyone off that said i wont amount to shit.

Well that's me for now.

And this was hard for me to even type this and put it out there.
Click to expand...
Brave of you. Keep your head up! (Used as encouragement, not a joke about H)
 
Morning Everyone (Day 4)

It's Monday and brand new week to start with and have some good and positive plans for this week that I'm looking at implementing and also starting a new daily routine to follow that I think that will help me with this new journey of reaching and keeping to the goals I have laid out for myself. Basically its day 4 of being on the subs with no relapsing and day 5 of last touching any form or matter of Opiates/Opioids but will count the journey from my first day of being on subs so today is Day 4.

So started the morning with the following:

2mg subutex
5mg Diazepam
150mg Pregabalin
Strong cup of Coffee.

With me going through this i still feeling the lack of energy or will or frame of mind to get out of bed and start my day. I would rather just take my meds and just stay in bed. So I'm really looking for something to give me energy and motivation to not be lazy and get my ass in gear every morning to start my day as it's a hassle every morning to drag my ass out of bed. Still need to get past that point. Good thing that i can mention is that I had a good nights rest last night from only smoking half a joint before bed and 800mg gabapentin ER. I slept from 11pm till 05:40ish without waking up once, which was so nice for once in a change. Especially not having to take any benzos or dopaquel to get me to fall asleep and stay asleep for the night.

I love my coffee, especially freshly grounded filter coffee that is really strong. But that still doesn't really take the laziness away or giving me the energy or need to get out of bed in the mornings, so from starting today i have workout just a small and easy daily schedule to follow to help put me back in routine and help get rid of the laziness.

So what I'm basically doing is making a to do list every night before bed for the next day and then try follow through with it with even time schedules for the things i want done the next day. And also having a med dosing time for that day too.

So with all this i Hope that this route or way of going about this path that it will be easier to implement and making/forcing me to take responsibilities for what i planned for the next day. Plus also getting back into a more healthier living style when it comes to fitness and food/nutrition. Plus giving me some time to get my mind and body ready that i can get back to gym at the end of the month as i renewed my contract this weekend.

But now with all that said I'm feeling good this morning and motivated to get to this. So happy Monday and new week to all and hope you guys stick and carry on with the goals you have made for yourself as well.

Much love and Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
MOrning BlueWorld (Day5)

Had a decent nights rest and feeling fresh this morning.
Got a lot to do today so quickly a shower and then on the road we go.

Had my 2mg Subs about 2hr's ago and also had 5mg valium and 150mg pregabalin an hour after my subs.

Have to say this might just work if i don't allow outside influences in my head or life anymore. But more on that later.

Regards
CoffeeShroom
 
Had an awesome day so far and still feeling good but think im getting addicted to energy drinks :unsure: :whistle:
but i saw this potrait/painting i want so badly but its a bit out my budget or if get it i need to sacrifice something, hmm choices choices choices..

Had another 2mg subs about an hr ago and 2 puffs from the bong.



the painting i want so badly, just talks to me. Not the best quality as my mate was in a hurry when i took a shot.
 
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