Neuropsychopharmacoldist without a degree, but tons of "experience"

[Speetz]

Neuropsychopharmacoloist without a degree, but tons of "experience"

So I have read BL for years and when I wanted to join forever ago the site was full up on members. Now years later with many crazy things going on in my life I have decided to join to express my hobby in neuro and psycho pharmacology and psychiatry, instead of just politics (like all the times politics; I am an American socialist democrat who has loved Bernie for years all the way from Iowa XD) and gaming, my other huge passions!

I'll generally be posting on my phone for now as I am broke as fuck because I am on Suboxone illegiteamittly with no way to pay for even the cash clinic we have here, which is the only one, foray and done. The other sub docs only accept like 3 Medicaid patients at a time and charge up the ass and out for anything that isn't covered. Even the semi-state run methadone clinic costs up to 350$ a month and if you somehow get on the sliding scale it will take weeks or even months. Plus it's across the Mississippi which I live about ten blocks from. Eastern IA lol lil Chi town.... Dunno why were three hours away almost.

So that's my big struggle right now; I just wanna be clean but not sick as I have kicked so many times, been to 8 rehabs, jail (no prison thank god) and even a crazy cult like place where they beat kids when I was fifteen in upstate New York (look up Midwest academy or academy at ivy ridge... They are affiliated with tranquility bay in Jamaica who kept girls in cages and shit) I digress...

I've had endocarditis twice from shootin, second time not as bad, first time had open heart surgery to place a partial polyurethane ring in my mitral valve to repairs the erosion and 70% blood regurgitation (pumping it backwards) and a perforated heart wall.

Now, I had a mild "silent murmur" when I was born apparently so that made me more suseptible the first time, which is strange since I shot so much nasty crazy crap until like a year and a half before tho happened, so I got stupid sick, two transischemic attacks among a lot else. Don't shoot with dirty needles kids! Especially pills, especially (which I rarely do besides...) Suboxone, which makes your veins think and sticky and hard if you aren't stupid careful even other than the bacteria issue.

Ok I'll stop here. Just wanted a small yet real intro to who I am and how glad I am to be here and actually share my knowledge and receive ever better wisdom and intellect!!! Let me know if there is anything you guys wanna know or talk about or relate to each other about.

I am sure I will grow to enjoy you guys even more now that I am actually interacting with you and I hope that I can be informative, fun, compassionate, and articulate in the eyes of everyone else. I'm off to OD and Neuro boards!!! Woo!!! I'll be at them all soon tho!

/end-rant

 

[Lovethatboy]

Wow you have been through some crazy shit! As have I, I was in a very abusive relationship with a psycho ass mf, who introduced me to the crazy world of drugs. The first pull I ever took was an 8mg dilaudid...Jesus I was so fucked up I puked! Then klonopin which was scary at first bc I couldn't remember anything the next day. That was just the beginning! He was selling drugs so I then was introduced to that crazy world...he sold anything and everything...at first all was peachy. He Had lots of money and bought me everything my heart desired. I would pop a ten milli oxy and feel so good, but only every now and then. I hadn't been sucked into addiction just yet. Then things started going south with the money and business over all. And he started taking it out on me and eventually became very abusive. Would beat the shit out of me for no reason other than he was drunk and frustrated. I was young and stupid of course and fell for the "I'm sorry I'll never do it again I love you". Anyway...me being stupid and curious I wanted to go everywhere with him and his crew. I saw a lot of scary ass shit, them going to houses to collect money owed, guns beatings etc. Then he decided to start taking pills and he fell into addiction. Started with percs and vics, then gradually got up to him taking four or five 80mg OPs a day. By this point I was so tired of the violence and abuse I started taking them too. I would take them for weeks but never really get sick. It came to the point that we eye completely broke, sold all of our nice shit, mainly for his addiction, and we were robbing other dealers and people were robbing us. Can't tell you how many times I've had a gun held to my head. My 22nd birthday I spent sleeping on the floor of a dope house sick as fuck, only to be woken up to the place getting robbed and a gun at my head. I finally left this piece of shit, but that's when the psychological issues really started. I was free and could do what I wanted, but was suffering ptsd. I continued with the habit, which was usually oxys, my tolerance got up to 60 mgs at a time. I then met my next boyfriend and he was depressed from his previous girlfriend leaving him so we just kind of formed a codependent relationship. I then discovered that I loved mixing oxys and xanax. That went on for a few months and then a decided to get clean. I was clean for almost a year to the day. I had gotten myself a prescription of 90 1mg klonopin within that year but of course was abusing them, a script would last me like 2 weeks. I even was seeing 2 diff doctors and had a script for 90 1mg klonopin AND a script for 90 1mg xanax. Until one of the doctors found out (oops) So I guess you could say I wasn't exactly clean. My boyfriend started getting very controlling so I decided to leave him and moved back in with my parents. I was so bad on benzos that I couldn't go a day without them. And I had a super high tolerance. One day I went to my usual connect. They had moved up to the One n only....heroin. I got a tenth and split it with my friend. Of course I had taken a xanax bar right before so yeah... I pretty much fell out for like an hour. But the xanax wore off and I felt amazing! After that me and my boyfriend got back together, I moved back in, and I guess out of fear of losing me again he kept getting H. We both fell into that addiction. 1 year of that then a found a friend that had suboxone. We got a box of 30 from her every 2 months for a year. Finally we decided to get off of those and be clean. I remember finally getting to the point where I felt normal again. I would take a klonopin before bed but I could actually sleep again! And then what happens? My friend told me she had inquired something r might be interested in...meth. I had never done it before. My boyfriend wanted to "try" it so Of course I wanted to also. That Of course turned into a 2month binge, the second month we were shooting it. That my friend is one hell of a rush. But Jesus it got scary. After staying up for 8 days I was hearing shit and so much crazy shit had happened with friends that were doing it with us that I became super paranoid and felt like it was the past all over again. We finally decided to stop doing that shit, because within 2months our lives had gone downhill super fast! We had both lost so much weight and my boyfriend ended up with a felony possession charge bc of it. We took suboxone to help the come down only to get addicted to it again. And that then led to H addiction all over again. But instead of snorting we started shooting. I wish I'd never done that bc I realized the needle is an addiction within itself. My tolerance became so high, I had to shoot 5 or 6 tenths at once to get where I wanted to be. I've been clean for a while but I struggle to stay that way. When I get a hold Of money I right away want to spend it on H. I want to break free of this vicious cycle. But it's extremely hard! Sorry for the super long post. I just feel like ptsd has sucked me into such a depression. I'm even on 2 different SSRIs and benzos but nothing is like an H and needle addiction...

 

[Speetz]

Relationships can easily fuck us over as users and addicts and shit for sure; my sons mother is a testament to how she could balance being helpful, insane, and self destructive lol.

And I have a huge lack of trust with SSRIs and that area of anti depressants; I mean I guess they work for some, but they are expected to work for damn near all and it's crazy that docs push that they are the only help there is pharmacology. Hell, besides benzos gabapentin has been the best anxiolytic and mood stabilizer for me, I advocate heavily.

Oh and gabapentin is a savior for withdrawal too. Especially long term. Like I said I swear by it; weather you ever decide maintence or just CT gaba is great to have especially at higher doses like 800mg 3x a day, tho can be physically dependent but is very easy titration especially with a short term benzo, though it's one of two mess I'll never get off once I can find a general practitioner again. (Some psychs will prescribe it off label for just anxiety, but because my nerve pain I just go for it through whoever I can lol)

 

[Lovethatboy]

So do you need a prescription for gabapentin? I'm on effexor and lexapro. I know effexor causes dependency also. It seems to help more than anything I've tried though. And I've tried a lot of different ones. I had a doctor diagnose me with bipolar 1 because of it, he prescibed me lamictal but I read about the horrible side effects and did research on bipolar 1 and thought, wait a minute, I've never experienced mania. I got a second opinion and she said because I've tried so many ssri's that didn't work that's probably why I was diagnosed with it. Also PTSD has similar symptoms.

 

[Speetz]

Yeah currently looking for a GP and a psych. Good luck with the bi polar thing: explore the possibilities of non SSRIs, even Gabapentin or baclofen for stabilization, the former has helped my ex for her bipolar and personality disorders. Always feel like SSRIs and especially SNRIs should be a last resort, especially at high doses. I mean I can't take anything other than 10mg fluoxetine without akathesia for my OCD but even that makes me lethargic, with no anxiolytic properties. Good luck regardless!!