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Needy friend

I

infectedmushroom

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
1,371
Location
the bridge, OZ land
I have a needy/dependant friend who I'm struggling to deal with at the moment.
My mum was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer a week ago and I I'm still pretty shocked and worried about the months to come. I hung out with said friend yesterday. Somehow the conversation kept swinging back on him, complaining about the same old nonsense he always complains about (things that only he can fix.)

"I need a hobby."
"I need a challenge."
"I want something meaningful in my life."

Etc. etc. like I'm some sort of waste basket for his negative emotions (if that makes sense-) he constantly fishes for the emotional sustenance of others to reduce his insecurity. we've been friends since little kids but I kinda wanted to just say to him - "dude, right now I don't give a fuck about your problems." talk about my mother lasted 2 minutes with him saying something which I found insulting - he tells me "this is my first real test of maturity." what? Excuse me? I was dumbfounded someone so pathetically dependant could make such a call.

Anyway, I've kind of used this post as a space to rant, the question is, how do I deal with this person during this tough period of my life...I left him yesterday feeling negative and drained and at the moment it's the last thing I want or need from my friends. My mum happens to be a therapist and she said certain people will step up, and surprise you, whilst others you might have to let go off for the time being. Any advice is much appreciated guys...thanks for listening. Lots of love
 
How much positivity does he contribute to your life? Is he a great guy who would risk his ass for you or at least go far out of his way if you needed it? And this narcissism or self-centeredness is just a big flaw? If so, then I would have a talk with him, gently, and let him know how you feel. Then repeat it each and every time he's being overly self-centered. Gently.

Or does he have few redeeming qualities as a friend, and just sucks energy out of you on a constant basis? If so, today is your lucky day! You are free of him! Tell him you're done with him as a friend, wish him well, and don't look back! You have no obligation to continue the friendship if it's no longer working for you. Believe me, he'll find others to dump his shit on. But it doesn't have to be you any longer.

So - if guilty is NOT an allowable answer - how do you feel about the prospect of ending this friendship? Torn apart? Or free as a bird? There's your answer.

P.S. I really hope your mum beats the cancer and lives a long life!
 
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he sounds self absorbed. from my point of view i only retain friendships that feature mutual gain and respect. all my friends have their good points and flaws.

you haven't said any good points this guy has. if you are retaining a pointless friendship that you gain nothing from then you have to step back and think "why am i maintaining this relationship?"
 
No doubt we've had awesome times together. We've been friends since 5. If I really thought he was narcissistic I wouldn't be friends with him (I had a true narcissist as a friend and they're completely different.) I'm pretty sensitive atm just because of the mum situation. I think I've answered my own question in a way. I've realised I gotta be honest with him and when he gets going on his "solve my life problems for me" I'll tell him "I have to much on my mind right now to give you advice."

As I said he has a dependant personality and I honestly don't have a problem giving him my thoughts - he has more redeeming qualities than negative ones...I guess I'm just disappointed he couldn't hold back, this time... Given his knowledge of my stresses right now
 
Not every narcissist is the same.

When people start getting like that with me, I usually ditch them. My "friend" since kindergarten, almost out of my life now, I might run into her once a year but each time I realize how much better I am without her in my life regularly.
 
So sorry to hear about your mom :(

And ugh. I know way too many people like that. Honestly I've found the best course of action with those kinds of people is to simply tell them straight up that they need to shut up about their stuff for a moment and listen to you...
"dude, right now I don't give a fuck about your problems."
Click to expand...
really wouldn't have been overstepping it IMO. If he's a real friend he'll get it - he should be here for you at this time in your life. You're allowed to make that clear.
 
You should of said exactly that to him. He needs to hear it. Ive recently had a similiar experience with my Dad falling ill and the "friends" that are too self absorbed to notice what Ive been going thru. It really is surprising the people who step up at these times and the ones who step away. Its sad when you cant count on people you thought you could.

Im sorry to hear about your Mum :(
 
I'm so sorry about your mom.

As for your friend, having had good times in the past doesn't justify enduring shitty times now. Live in the present.
 
llama112 said:
Not every narcissist is the same.

When people start getting like that with me, I usually ditch them. My "friend" since kindergarten, almost out of my life now, I might run into her once a year but each time I realize how much better I am without her in my life regularly.
Click to expand...

basically friendships wax and wane and people grow out of each other.
 
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