Needing to see a ray of sunshine

I'm scared. I don't know where my life is going or where i am in the broader picture.

I recently have been drinking myself to the point of blackouts so i can feel emotions. And i actually like the roller coaster of going from happy to sad to confused to whatever else. It's fucked up. Why am i doing this to myself? I am thinking rehab but in the end i am not sure how bad my problem is and i think i need perspective.

I am on citalopram and for the past 6 months have been drinking to excess every single night. To the point i lost my job because of it.

My psychologist says i need to go to tafe or uni and use my mind because he believes most of my problems come from being *and i am NOT saying i am here* far to intelligent to be wasting my life in a dead end job just to survive and earn money.

But i don't know how to think to survive any other way. So in dark times i bury myself away in whatever drug is convenient at the time.

I just wish i had a starting point to be who i have the potential to be, but where to start??? I think my life is forever going to be not what i want it to be. I'm a dreamer and i wish i wasn't!

It's just such a confusing time in my life. I try to share my thoughts and feeling with those i love but the words don't seem to explain (and even here) how lost i truly feel.

My partner has been battling addiction for the past 10 months and i love him with all my heart and want to see us both get through this and have our dreams realised. I don't know though, it just seems so far away

 

I'm also a dreamer and I know how painful it can be. You're definitely not alone my dear.

Keep your head up and try to take things one day at a time. If you want to go to school, get the ball rolling on that and everything will fall into place. It won't happen over night but if you keep working on chasing your dreams, they'll come true and things will get better eventually. Keep your chin up, love. xoxo