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Need to quit but don't want to, so I thought I'd come bug you guys on here.

J

jessrwhatalias

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 22, 2016
Messages
12
I'm a frequent flyer on here, I've read many many threads, but never made an account. At last, here I am!
I'm 19 and addicted to cocaine. I have a "normal" (non abusive, 2 parents with degrees and jobs, never had to struggle for anything) upper-middle class family. But somehow, I ended up living with an emotionally abusive boyfriend quite literally on the wrong side of the tracks. Until I was 18 (7 months ago when we met), I only knew a few people who even smoked pot, and had only heard of one person (the ex husband of a neighbor) being an addict. But again, here I am, up at 6:30 am, have to be at my great paying management job in 3 hours, coked out of my brains. I'm bagging up .5 to take to work tomorrow so I don't come down while I'm there. I have to stop. I'm ruining my career, my relationship with my family, have lost every single one of my friends, I'm destroying my bank account and my body. I don't know how this happened. It seemed edgy and fun at first, listening to trap music and cutting the coke my boyfriend was selling with whatever white pills we had. Trying a line here and there. "What if I get addicted?" I joked to him. He was only selling, had never even tried it until his best friend commited suicide 4 months ago, and we havent been to sleep before 4am since then. We constantly scream and say horrible things to each other now, I've left him 3 times and he's kicked me out once, only for me to be back less than 5 hours later. We used to have such a wholesome and loving relationship, I truly believe if we can both sober up we will be just fine. He tends to over do it and put 7 grams (yes, SEVEN) of pure white girl in his nose at least twice a week, sending both of us into a panic, worried about OD'ing. He's currently knocked out on the couch after one of our worst fights, and his worst binges ever. He wanted to call an ambulance but then thought we would go to jail if they came. He's not sweating or convulsing or showing any signs of OD right now so I'm not -too- worried. To those of you reading, thanks for sticking around and reading my coked out this-doesnt-even-make-sense rant. Please reply and let me know someone or anyone is there because in real life I have NO ONE.
The point I was attempting to make: any tips on how to WANT to quit? I'm more than aware that I need to, I just don't want to. I love the high. I love the excitement. How the hell do I get past this, and back to my normal life?
 
You know? I read this all and felt very sorry for you. Yet your ending ruined it. YOU HAVE TO WANT TO QUIT; NO ONE CAN FORCE YOU. I'm sorry to be so blunt but there is no one here that can give you advise as for "how to want to quit". Maybe when you lose all? Your home, job....etc?

I'm not trying to be harsh because I too am a (recovering) addict. But as for your question? I don't feel you'll find any answers here.

The best advise I can give you is when you are sober, think about all you will/may lose if you're not. It can be family, friends, your job, then your house, car...etc.

Also if your significant other is going to continue to use but you, yourself, find the RIGHT reason as for why you want to be "clean"? Well, in my own personal experience your relationship will never work.

I, myself, needed to hear all these words the tough way and I am by no means putting you down......but I always WANTED to quit. I never asked for reasons as for why I SHOULD want to. ONLY YOU can answer that. If what I just stated above doesn't want to make you? Then with all due respect, why ask?
 
Even your title in my opinion is disrespectful. This isn't a site about "bugging" others but rather a site to guide, try to help, reduce harm....etc. Hopefully when you wake up, you'll find the "answer" as for why you want to quit. And I'm not being judgemental (I have no right to be), but you, and ONLY you can answer the question you're asking others to answer for you.
 
Try going to a rehab program or speaking to a doctor. They will be willing to help you. They can give you medicine to help you quit. Please be safe.
 
I wish I had the opportunity at 19 again to focus more on college and not drugs. It's not cool when your in your 40s. Time flies. I know people say that I never listened at your age. Now I'm a 40 year old 19 year old and wished I would have never started doing ANY controlled substances. It really does make a difference in maturity level, type of friends and your goals in the long run. If you were like me you will read this and think your in control and have it under control, stopping is easy and look at all the years you have. I'm young lets have fun and party. The people you know now will hardly be the ones you hang with later. People grow have families and the cool ones now in your life end up being the losers and really wrecked later.
 
I hope you're doing OK and have found your "reason". God, rereading this again, I can tell you're so very intelligent. I also feel bad if I came off harshly but sometimes we need to be told the straight out TRUTH.

Everything you wrote.....gosh, you seem to have so much going for you yet also so much to lose if you continue on this path.

1st off, you won't want to hear this, but you need to "ditch" your boyfriend. It was SO HARD for me to quit my oxy/methadone habit while with someone doing both plus "h". Had I not have, I'd probably now be resorting to it as well.

Initially I just disliked your title since this isn't a place to come to "bug" others yet rereading all you wrote; you're crying out for help and you know ALL you have to lose plus all you have going for you. Heed the advise of the others who responded (and myself) and stop now before your young life is destroyed. Best case scenario; you lose your job and all it seems you've seemingly worked so hard to accomplish. And that's THE BEST it can get. Worst case scenario; you die and that saddens me so much even though I don't know you. If you happen to come back on here in a "bind", PLEASE listen and stop now. At 19, you have your entire life ahead of you. A GOOD, HEALTHY relationship. Marriage. Perhaps an even better job then the good one you have now at such a young age. Children. Grandchildren. It's NOT too late. It's NEVER "too late". I had NO addiction problems until the age of 39. Now I'd give anything to turn back time. Fortunately for me I'm now 41 and have quit but I, myself, had to WANT to. And even just "wanting to" at 1st wasn't enough for me. I had to lose a job. Lose my friends. But I did gain one thing greater then all else; my life back. YOU CAN DO IT!
Much love,
"notsoprettyinpink".......(pink, 10 mg oxys....Sometimes 100+ mgs per day and never taken orally....then methadone to help me when I got "sick" and had no oxys). Be brave. FIGHT! You'd have a TON of support on here and trust me it DOES help <3
 
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