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Need to gain some game soberly

pmz

pmz

Bluelighter
Joined
May 11, 2013
Messages
550
So I'm moving into a new state and it just so happens the town is a college town. When I went to visit I went wondering around, walking into frat parties and hanging out for a bit. It was pretty cool. Except one thing. I'm making a vow to be sober and clean for a long time. I suck at hitting on girls to begin with. Not sure what exactly I'm looking for here but I guess I'm looking for approach and convo advice when I might be at a party.
 
work on building your self-confidence, theres a thread in TDS on that i think

if your going out to a party it can be useful to do a 30 min run that afternoon so you use up some anxious energy

try not to be alone at a house party too long, and when make eye-contact with a girl, and you intend on approaching her, do it within 3-5 seconds or you will come off creepy

u have to be decisive, i think the more you start talking to girls the better you get at it, dont take failures etc at the beginning hard because thats natural to happen
 
I like the 3-5 second thing. I def did that in the past of coming off as a creepster

Mysterie said:
work on building your self-confidence, theres a thread in TDS on that i think

if your going out to a party it can be useful to do a 30 min run that afternoon so you use up some anxious energy

try not to be alone at a house party too long, and when make eye-contact with a girl, and you intend on approaching her, do it within 3-5 seconds or you will come off creepy

u have to be decisive, i think the more you start talking to girls the better you get at it, dont take failures etc at the beginning hard because thats natural to happen
Click to expand...
 
I've seen quite a few threads started by guys who wonder how to talk to girls. Just talk to us! We're people, too lol.

Start out by trying to be friends, just as you would with a guy. Then, if there's room for something more, go from there, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
 
I'm getting way better at approaching / talking to girls. Still haven't met anyone yet though. I know I'm a cool person and ppl want to be around me, I just need more confidence. I can offer you some advice 'cause I'm in a position like you, but I've gained a bit of confidence so far in the last ~5months. Not a quick process, hey. but you will get better with time and a lot of work.

The simple thing to realize is you need to be able to take rejection or 'cold responses'. It really isn't that bad. Sure - it feels awkward as hell, but it then turns into a buzz! - even when you get a cold response. I use 'hey - how's your night going' to open with, when I can't think of anything situational to say. It isn't that good but it is better than nothing at all. After a while you just don't care as much, and this is when you get better. I'm almost at that point, not quite though -

Keep doing this, just talk and open to them.. sometimes they wont hear you, sometimes they will ignore you, sometimes you might meet a great person that connects with you! You have to know, that sometimes ppl will just not connect with you, or not like you for no reason at all. Other than they do not like you. There is nothing you can do about this. It happens to everyone. If that person doesn't want to talk it could be for a number of reasons, it doesn't matter. That's their loss!

I used to try and score drugs, w/e.. But when I asked out my crush a month ago, even though I didn't get the answer i wanted, the rush-feeling was better than any drug could remotely produce. It was amazing because she seemed truly flattered.

I try to think of meeting girls as scoring drugs.. I know it's weird, but if i spent years chasing drug-highs, and there is a different healthy-better high right in front of me, I think it's worth going for.
 
Dude. That's the fucking lightbulb I needed to go off. Think of it as scoring drugs and chase that high. It's so simple.

Sometimes you don't get what you are looking for but its better than sitting at home

It's like a bad day fishing is still better than a good day at work. Get rejected... At least you tried and weren't at home or being quiet.

zzz101 said:
I'm getting way better at approaching / talking to girls. Still haven't met anyone yet though. I know I'm a cool person and ppl want to be around me, I just need more confidence. I can offer you some advice 'cause I'm in a position like you, but I've gained a bit of confidence so far in the last ~5months. Not a quick process, hey. but you will get better with time and a lot of work.

The simple thing to realize is you need to be able to take rejection or 'cold responses'. It really isn't that bad. Sure - it feels awkward as hell, but it then turns into a buzz! - even when you get a cold response. I use 'hey - how's your night going' to open with, when I can't think of anything situational to say. It isn't that good but it is better than nothing at all. After a while you just don't care as much, and this is when you get better. I'm almost at that point, not quite though -

Keep doing this, just talk and open to them.. sometimes they wont hear you, sometimes they will ignore you, sometimes you might meet a great person that connects with you! You have to know, that sometimes ppl will just not connect with you, or not like you for no reason at all. Other than they do not like you. There is nothing you can do about this. It happens to everyone. If that person doesn't want to talk it could be for a number of reasons, it doesn't matter. That's their loss!

I used to try and score drugs, w/e.. But when I asked out my crush a month ago, even though I didn't get the answer i wanted, the rush-feeling was better than any drug could remotely produce. It was amazing because she seemed truly flattered.

I try to think of meeting girls as scoring drugs.. I know it's weird, but if i spent years chasing drug-highs, and there is a different healthy-better high right in front of me, I think it's worth going for.
Click to expand...
 
www.approachanxiety.com has some pretty good articles

Start approaching women wherever you are, parties, the grocery store, book store, bar, coffee shop, wherever. It's not important if you have any desire of ever seeing them again. Just get out & do it. The only thing you risk is your sense of embarrassment, which is bullshit because chances are you'll never see them again if they reject you.
 
Trust me - DO NOT over-think it. It's very simple. You can read all the information you want, but it will teach you nothing. You need to go out and do it. "how's your night going" That's all you have to say, man. Get cold responses, get rejected. because I'm 99% sure you will get rejected and cold responses.. Everyone does. Once you learn that it really does not matter what one person thinks of you, you will have people coming after you!

how's your night going: Simple and easy to start with. Don't think of anything else to say for now, because your mind will go blank anyway and you'll forget it when you start talking to a girl. That one sentence is easy to remember. I had trouble remembering anything else to say because I would muck up and forget. After you open, let the conversation flow naturally like your talking to a buddy. Listen to her, and just respond.


Couple of other notes for myself -

keep a gauge on your feelings ie; depression and anxiety.. I have think i have these and dealing with it is a whole different game. I just try and remember when I'm feeling it in a social situation and try to not let it control me. It's hard though.
 
Wow zzz101, I like this. I always try to figure out what my motivation is and how to I justify approaching. It's really just for the sake of getting over the fear of it. "How's your night going" is going to provoke a lot of cold responses but it's so easy and simple and one step closer to getting over the fear. Would you also use this during the day, like on the subway/coffee shop.. as in "how's your day going?"
 
I agree with zzz101. If youre attempting to make a routine or someone have a methodology unto how to talk and introduce yourself, it may have an affect opposite to your intention of how to relax.

One thing I can garner from your topic is that alcohol gave you a former confidence not to care enough to ho to approach a particular situation. If youre unsure of something that was taken care of by alcohol I can only imagine the mental baggage that comes from dealing with new situations.
 
No excuse, you have to do this at parties or at night-life bars all the time. Day-time however, I'm not that good at approaching, will share my thoughts and experiences though.

HarrytheHead- YES.. - It's best to get better @ reading other ppls body language and you'll have greater success if you want to do it during the day. And this will also help out @ nights, but night-time you can do it anytime. Like - going up to randoms and saying it during the day is not best. Not saying anything wrong with that, I still haven't got that good yet.

What i mean is - Look for body language. If the girl is giving off good vibes, or checking you out - then yes! do it during the day. There are heaps of signs if a girl wants you to talk / open to her. Such as, if a girl is talking to her friend, and loud enough for you to hear the conversation, it is a good sign for you to but-in and say something. There's heaps of stuff girls will do when they want to talk to you. EXCEPT OPEN TO YOU- You have to do that. It's all really about reading ppl's body language. seems easy but i need to get better at it.

So I still haven't got enough courage to do it during the day @ anytime. As I said i try to look for body language. But at parties and at bars I can do it with great confidence, as most girls or ppl are out to socialize, they are not there for the hell-of-it. before I couldn't even think of approaching a girl! Trust me, all we have to do is approach & say something.. the girl has a MUCH tougher job if she likes you. If there are guys around the girl(s) I don't really feel comfortable though. I will think, that the girl is with them and the guys might get angry at me or something. So that is something i need help on.


Every time you go to the super-market (or store) Subway(food), w/e.. SAY IT, to the person serving you. Just say it.. How's your day going. I also try to make conversation when buying food or anything. Doesn't matter who it is. If I can't think of anything to say - 'How's your day going', or 'has your day been busy'. Sometimes it opens up a good conversation! So yes, say it during the day, esp if you're buying something from the retailer.
 
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Tude said:
I've seen quite a few threads started by guys who wonder how to talk to girls. Just talk to us! We're people, too lol.

Start out by trying to be friends, just as you would with a guy. Then, if there's room for something more, go from there, but Rome wasn't built in a day.
Click to expand...

It's not that easy! You guys are weird creatures, i can make guy friends like no other. Making friends with girls is weird.... although i admit i rarely ever try or put effort in.
 
If you're sober - maybe parties where everyone is drunk isn't the place to find someone? Why not meet someone doing something else that you enjoy? What are your interests? That may be more possible...!
 
llama112 said:
If you're sober - maybe parties where everyone is drunk isn't the place to find someone? Why not meet someone doing something else that you enjoy? What are your interests? That may be more possible...!
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That's a good point. I mean. I will be planning on doing a lot of sober things. But I'll be living in a college town so there is a lot going on
 
F1n1shed said:
It's not that easy! You guys are weird creatures, i can make guy friends like no other. Making friends with girls is weird.... although i admit i rarely ever try or put effort in.
Click to expand...

Lol! Maybe I'm biased? :D But really, though, it's important not to overthink things.
 
mrflowers00 said:
keep telling yourself that no one is out of your league until you believe it
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Simple yet effective.

Most people are better at hooking up when drunk because it tends to make personal barriers easier to overcome. You could consider what your own barriers are and try to think of ways to get over these sober - ie. try to think of ways to realise this or that girl isn't out of your league while sober, to leave your shyness behind while sober, to feel more confident in your abilities while sober, etc. The important thing is to be confident and believe in yourself (without being too arrogant obviously). That might be difficult at first obviously, but it's one of those things where practice makes perfect, I think. You might have some trouble approaching girls soberly at first but I'm sure you'll get a hang on it soon enough :)
 
Perception of good is relative.
So you have to improve upon your baseline game. You do this with confidence.


Same thing I always advocate. Start lifting weights. Start investing in nicer clothes. Fucking check yourself out in the mirror all of the time. If you already do these things, do them better.
 
as with most things in life, being prepared can vastly improve your confidence when it comes to meeting women. you definitely don't want to put together a calculated routine, as you will come off stilted/weird/creepy (see also: pick-up artists). however, it can be really helpful to think ahead of time about some basics like:

your opening line - i really recommend "hi I'm _____, what's your name?" it gets the job done, and it's a pretty tough one to fuck up. the last thing you want is to be fumbling over some crappy pick-up line at a loud party (she says "what?," you have to explain a joke that was already borderline at best, etc).

open-ended questions to start/continue a conversation - i've always liked to start off with something along the lines of "what have you been doing tonight?," especially if you're at a party/bar. it's easy, light, and will hopefully get her talking about something she enjoyed doing. when asking general questions (where are you from? what's your major?), follow up with a more specific question related to what she tells you.

things you want to say about yourself - hopefully she'll be asking about you as well. so be ready to describe things like your occupation, hobbies and day/week in a positive, flattering light. this will make it less likely that you will freeze up, ramble or be negative. give her a minute or two about something that you're excited about, not a five minute gripe.

a lot of this seems really obvious, but just thinking it through for a few minutes can do wonders for your confidence.
 
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