Need support; relapse, depressed, hopeless

[Rehabicable]

Hello all,
i'm here just to share with someone all my issues, sorry for the bitching but i have no one IRL to talk honestly with..
I got out of prison on parole about 7 months ago and am currently in a halfway house. I've struggled with addiction to opiates, mostly heroin and fentanyl for the last few years, and i lasted about a month before relapsing.. This time around i've restricted my use to fentanyl, (in my area it is readily available in those fake oxy 80s and a heroin-like powder that smokes and shoots very well), to avoid failing drug tests and have somehow managed to conceal my use from my PO, staff at my halfway, friends and parents. I am 21 and have been battling this since i was 14, been to rehab multiple times and somehow my parents still talk to me, however my biggest fear is them finding out; it would break their heart that i fucked up again..
This time around i've used steadily for about 3 months straight now, on days where i couldn't cop i have used suboxone to get me through work and school. I have a job at a starbucks and am currently in university although i am doing so poorly will probably have to drop out shortly just from missing so many classes and not keeping up with any of the readings.. As far as my PO and my parents know i am clean and have been for a long time, doing good in school and "really turning my life around"..
I am truly fucked, feel hopeless. I've blown all my savings, pawned my laptop and xbox etc.. I am just barely maintaining on suboxone right now and end up blowing every paycheck on drugs because i am so depressed. I feel weak and stupid. The worst part is i can't tell anyone, i go to support groups and meetings however there are people in both that if i told them the truth they could rat on me and i could go back to jail. If i am caught using i will return to prison for another year and that's the last thing i want. Basically am out of options and i know i need to clean up but i work 5-6 days a week and i know that the withdrawals this time around will be debilitating. I can't afford to go take a week at a detox or hole up in my apartment for a week and miss work.. Even if i appear sick and the staff at my house think i am dope sick i could be sent back.. I have tried to do a long taper with the subs but you all know how that goes, i don't take lots usually only 2-3 mg a day and i am well enough to function..
In 6 weeks i have to move back to my mom's house for the remainder of my sentence, which is about 7-8 months. I am terrified to do it when i am still in an active habit and want very much to taper and get the withdrawals over with before then. I have so much anxiety and depression constantly that i don't even have the motivation, i have never felt this bad mentally before and for the first time ever have considered suicide seriously.
Thank you if you read this and i know there is no one who can fix my problems but me and i am the creator of all my misery. I guess i just wanted to share it how fucked up i made my life with someone..
Namaste and much love and support to you all who have gotten clean or are trying, i respect you tremendously.

 

[ggg8282]

I'm really sorry to hear that rehabicable. Are you copping the suboxone or did a doctor give it to you? Because I would think that a doctor will give you enough dosage to feel almost ok. But generally even small amounts should be enough to keep off withdrawals and not need to use but since your habit is so serious I guess its not enough? Have you ever gone on methadone? I had such a minor habit compared to what you are going through so its difficult for me to know your situation. Ive only been clean a week from percocets and norcos, so I am no expert in sobriety. I really hope you find a good solution for your problems and get out of this opiate hell.

 

[Rehabicable]

I am copping them, i have a somewhat cheap and reliable source so i can afford to sustain on them but it doesn't help the cravings and basically just keeps me at a depressed state and still fiending for my next dose.
It keeps me just well enough to get up go to work and sleep at night. I'm sure it's not helping my tolerance either and is probably making my impending detox worse. I know suboxone withdrawals are quite severe.

 

[ggg8282]

I am copping them, i have a somewhat cheap and reliable source so i can afford to sustain on them but it doesn't help the cravings and basically just keeps me at a depressed state and still fiending for my next dose.
It keeps me just well enough to get up go to work and sleep at night. I'm sure it's not helping my tolerance either and is probably making my impending detox worse. I know suboxone withdrawals are quite severe.

Yea man that's really tough, and I feel for you. If you cant go to rehab though, then you need to get on methadone or subs. Go see a doctor, they will give you enough to feel somewhat normal and its better then what you are going through now. I found withdrawals horrible on subs but then again I didn't taper when I did it so that's probably why. If you read around here or do "suboxone taper" Google! searches, you will get some good advice. Going on subs/methadone is not giving up either. If thats what you need to do to lead a productive life, then do it.

 

[ggg8282]

Or maybe you will find the inner strenght to c/t, but I can imagine how tough that must be for you at this point, so i understand if your not able. Whatever you decide though, know that many people around these sites are rooting for you.

 

[Rehabicable]

I would love nothing more to go get on suboxone, but then my PO and family would know I relapsed, and that's not an option. =\ hence why I have to buy them off the street

 

[ggg8282]

You are too young too be feel this hopeless and trapped. Your 21, and no matter what choice you make you still have the rest of your life to look forward too. How much of your sentence was suspended? What are you looking at if you came clean to the PO. The justice system with addicts is a freaking joke, prison time for young adults who just need help is ridiculous.

 

[ggg8282]

I have to leave for the night but I want to tell you lastly. Who you are today does not have to be who you are tomorrow. Who you become is up to you, and I'm sure you can find success if you really want to.

 

[nygiants1313]

Why not take your next pay check go see a suboxone doctor. Tell the doc youve been copping subs off the street but want to get on a better plan. So ull be covered in prescription sense and a plan.

THEN you tell the parents abd PO that you were having serious cravings and close to relapsing so you went to doctor and are being prescribed.

I doubt youll go back to prison for this. I know it takes effort but so does copping every day.

Worst case scenario you use until you go back home and withdraw at parents house.

I feel your pain i been there. Take sub get through work get home at 5 sleep til next day when you have no money. Then blow check in 3 days.

Im in a similar situation

 

[manboychef]

I really hate the position the criminal justice system has put you in. Yeah it is your fault you fell back into the opiate habit, however, this is a mental problem/ disease not some moral failing like judges and cops want you to think.

I would definitely get on suboxone, even just to do a fast taper. The biggest thing is not beating the withdrawals. The biggest thing is staying clean after you beat the withdrawals. Keep up with your support group. If you suspect that people in NA or AA will blow up your spot than they have no idea what anonymous means. Fuck them. Find a better meeting with people who actually care enough about you to help you, rather than hinder you. I am here for you. I went through a similar situation...it took me till age 32 to get it right and I still struggle sometimes. PM if you need someone to vent to or need advice.

 

[ecate89]

Hi, I think you should go seeing a good psychologist.

I tried tapering many times, then sub, and stopping cold turkey, I went to a long term rehab, ran away, and something else I can't remember maybe...no way, every time I was using again.
My loved one was suffering because of me, my all life was messed up. I felt weak and had no idea of who I was or what I was going to do.

I was terrbily depressed, at a certain point my boyfriend was seriously threatening to leave me and I hadn't any non-user friends anymore.
So I decided to try a psychological help, just out of other ideas.
It's been a year now, at the beginning I felt even worse, but if you do work on yourself it's worth it. I feel so different now, I solved almost all my problems with anxiety&co.
I use drugs only occasionally, and I have never done heroin again. When I use it's because I decide it, not cause I need to...I know the consequences of what I do and expect them, I never take the some drug many days in an attempt to cancel the hangover.

I like different sensations sometimes, but my life doesn't suffer from it in any way.

Talking with the right therapist not only changes your addiction and craving, but improves your life in general.

I guess your parents would be very happy about this, and so the people who are monitoring you.

I whish you all the best

 

[cj]

I think your first move should be to call a lawyer. I would try to find one that specializes in dealings with the parole department. Yes they are out there, though they usually work on getting people to look good for the parole board. Find out if getting a legal prescription to suboxone or methadone would be a violation of your parole. If its not then get on methadone and get through your parole. After that worry about your habit. If maintenance isn't an option then your number 1 goal is too stay out of prison. If you make it through the halfway house part of your sentence then I think you have a good chance of getting through this. Once you move in with your parents you can let them know. Yeah they will be upset but they will forgive you and also appreciate you coming to them and asking for help. Trust me on that one your parents will have your back. Once they know you can kick at there house and have them cover for you. Hes got the flu or whatever. Also by that point you will be less likely to get hit with a random drug test out of the blue. You have been really lucky so far btw that you haven't gotten a dirty for the sub that's a very known drug of abuse now days.

 

[eastern star]

Hi Rehabicable,
That is a lot to deal with. You are not weak, your addiction is strong. I'm really glad today you are here writing this and not in prison or OD'd. You gotta find someone IRL to confide in also. IMO It's not the life of addiction, but the lies of addiction that hurt the people around us (that we need for support) the most. I'm sorry you have gotten to the point having suicidal thoughts. It's the strangest thing, isn't it? Going from a person who could not even fathom how someone could feel that way to being in the thick of it. I remember that feeling. You are not unique in your pain. And you are not as alone as you think. HUGS.