need some guidance - my post addiction rant. it's long, but please help me

[e92]

if you dont feel like reading this, just read my conclusion at the bottom in bold..

June 2011 - when i was first introduced to opiates. did one. two days later did another, and the rest is history. buried myself pretty deep that summer before cleaning up september. 2 months later started hanging around the junkies and that was the peak of that phase of my addiction. my life was so bad during that time.

april 2012 - april 2013 my life is great. i was with my old group of friends, i had a girlfriend, didnt fuck with that junk until she broke up with me. i thought she was my first love (looking back she wasnt .... at all) and i was a mess.

april 2013 - october 2013. this period is a big blur to me. i was doing heroin every fucking day all day it consumed my life. i was also very very depressed because i was cutting myself a lot during this period. didnt care about girls, didnt care about my family (sadly), didnt care about my future didnt give a fuck about anything but getting my shit with my only friend i had at that point.

that friend overdosed on heroin in i think august 2013 and made a vow to stay clean and told me to get help with him. i refused and said that i'll just take some suboxone and come off. was getting clean by taking suboxone, and i would lie to him by saying im on subs but really i was on heroin. he knew but he gave me the benefit of the doubt becuase he's my friend since we're kids.

october 2013 went away to college, 4 months later i came home for two weeks and was doing heroin every day again.

its been almost 4 months since the last time i used heroin... but all in all i dont feel like the same person.

i am no longer that 18 year old i was before touching any other drugs. now im a 21 year old who has gone thru multiple addictions and relapses

not only are drugs the focus here, but its everything that came with it, everyhting that came with the lifestyle i was living. i've hurt my family by stealing and lying to them, and having them see me like this. i hurt people i didnt know by ripping them off. all for drugs.

shit... right now i got my eyes on a nice 600 sport bike... all that money i spent on heroin i could have probably had two of those by now.

in conclusion, am i completely crazy for thinking that all of this has fucked my brain up? not only fuck my brain up but fuck me up emotionally

 

[OverDone]

Nah, you aren't crazy. We stomp on our emotions for so long from using that when we put those drugs down, we get hit from all sides feeling a full range of feelings that we can't identify. They eventually balance out but its a slow process.

Please recognize that EVERYTHING is temporary, especially the rollercoaster of emotions you are getting hit with right now.

The fact that we did certain things when we were pursuing more drugs (or simply attempting to maintain being "well") will always be present. We can't re-live the past with knowledge we currently have (or just obtained). It places us in a bad spot. What we CAN do is simply accept what we have done, recognize that we are capable of being someone we do not like to be and move on.

These beginnings (which started with you putting down the dope) are going to be difficult since it is so very new. It gets easier. It gets better and, nothing ever stays new

Those multiple addictions and relapses have yielded you some experiences. Painful ones. You can use those experiences to continue hurting yourself or you can use them to build a strong foundation of a new you

The human brain has a high degree of plasticity. What damage has been done is most likely repairable. Its the emotional side that we find hardest to wade through but we get through it. The highs stop being so high and the lows stop going so low. When that transition occurs, you'll recognize it (it just sucks in these early beginnings)

You got this. No doubt whatsoever

 

[southeast]

I read your whole thing and I really feel for you. I know how tiring multiple relapses are, it's killer. I hope your back and school and finding good things to focus your mind on. I feel the more my energy is in other places the less I feel like just a recovering addict... I've been clean for years before (I'm only on day 14 now) but I remember that feeling of being dissociated with myself. You know, you're not the same no one is the same as they were when they were 18 and who wants to be. You've learned and lived harder than a lot of other people and you shouldn't put that down. Your twenties are hard without an addiction so I feel for you. Learn who you are in the place that your at-- that's the best I've got. Good luck, man!! Stay strong.

 

[neversickanymore]

Congratulations on getting and staying clean from opiates.. thats an amazing accomplishment and I hope you have taken a minute to give yourself the credit you have earned.:D

+ many to OverDone's post as IMO it is spot on.

You are likely going through PAWS.. a very good estimate for this to clear is between six to seven months. But as OverD said it does clear and no matter how much it feels like it won't it will and you are getting close to wandering out of the woods

Id you look through the this it may strike some cords with you Addiction Guide

Here is some good information on PAWS

PAWS LINKS
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)
Post Acute Withdrawal (PAW) Excerpted From “Staying Sober” By: Terence T. Gorski
Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome Wiki


Chemicals and supplements to recover from opiate addiction
Managing depressive thinking

it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share something POSITIVE from your day!
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 3: Earth, Wind and Fire!
Here is the mindfulness thread.

Again, nice work.. likely such a short time and your out.. keep doing the amazing things you have been!!