Need some advise quick, please

[Bernc1]

First off, I'm real sorry for posting in NMI but for some reason it's the only thread my phone allows me to post under and I don't have Internet at the time to use my laptop.

I'm in a jam here and knew this day would eventually come yet did it stop me, no. Oxycodone took over my entire life.

It all began years ago recreationally and all were given to me for free by someone I was once close with. Well, drugs ruined my life and also ruined the relationship I shared with this person (not shocking) because the relationship (sister to sister) turned into one of only talk of drugs and arguing over drugs. I take something she enjoys and she takes what I once did enjoy on a very infrequent basis.

Eventually I was diagnosed with several physical problems and was given my own script but still was getting many of hers. My "never going to take more then 5 mgs every few days" quickly shot up to a full blown 100-150 mg addiction.

I switched doctors and was given hydrocodone instead of the oxycodone and my body literally laughed at the switch. I tried though extremely hard (or guess I just thought I did and quickly caved and asked to do a "trade" with my family member but the trading keeps going up and up and I can't do it anymore and I don't even want to do it. What I am trading could kill me if I stop taking it (Xanax).

Anyway, I did write something similar to this last night but as was told to me the formatting was nearly "unreadable" and I REALLY need some advise quick. Please.

I'm sick of this vicious cycle. I've only gone without for maybe 24 hours tops and my withdrawals begin after 4-5 hours and I get every, single one.....the heart racing and pounding, throwing up, shaking, hot then cold.....anyone who ever had an opiate addiction? Then you all pretty much know but I'm the most scared because I already have high blood pressure and I can feel it soaring when I'm throwing up and shaking.

Not one single friend of mine knows besides one I feel grateful to have met on here.

I have 4 10 mg oxycodones left and 1 and a half 10 mg methadone (my family member is taking those as well but is being weaned off and again our relationship got destroyed by drugs as I'm sure many peoples relationships do)......I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I wrote him an email last week asking if I could be switched back to oxycodone since I would've been out of hydrocodone by then. He wrote: "will discuss at ov".....that sure doesn't sound very "promising".

I have tried what I feel is everything...the Thomas recipes, weaning...any advise I got, I tried yet I failed time and time again. I would give anything to allow my body to have a fresh start...if that makes any sense since the once "I'm so happy (???...sarcasm) feeling is NEVER there anymore and to be honest the pills aren't even helping my pain but are rather just keeping me out of withdrawals. 5 mgs 2 years ago? I would've cleaned my house from top to bottom and then gone for a 10 mile hike....now? I go back to bed.

I'm so sorry for this all over the place ramble but blue light is the only place I feel comfortable to tell all to so onto my question: I recently filed for disability. I'm afraid that if I tell my doctor and it goes onto my medical record, "drug abuse", that I'll be declined. Plus I just don't know if he would even do anything to help me. I'm so scared to just come straight out and tell him either way and then would never feel comfortable again because of course like any other addict I've made myself look great to all my doctors (I see many specialists as well...not meaning "doctor hopping")........yet if he gives me a script, I'll fill it and then be in this same predicament that I AM SO tired of again in a few days. When I'm in even small wds (like I am now) I won't bathe or go anywhere, my mind feels all scrambly and I avoid people. When they get bad? I wouldn't even make it to the er on my own.

So, PLEASE I'll take any advise given to me. I do NOT think he's going to give them so if he doesn't should I tell him? Or even if he does and I'm so sick (as I said) of doing this to myself each and every single month, should I tell him either way? I kindly thank anyone in advance who relies. This is going to be a very long night for me. I set the timing wrong when I joined on here and it's only 6pm where I live. My appointment isn't until 3 tomorrow and even just having 40 mgs left and 1 and a half methadone even has me so nervous.

Chatting on here is just so much different then anywhere else. I hope to hear from one of you great and caring people soon.

Lots and lots of love going out to all of you

 

[Smoky]

Hi Bernc, I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I think I know you from before. How are you dong now?

My only concern is there might be another welcome thread. I will investigate. You will probably receive more support in another forum. Since you know the forums and cannot post elsewhere from what you say, where (unless you already have another thread open now), would you like me to move this one?

Lots of love to you as well.

 

[Bernc1]

Hi Bernc, I'm sorry you are struggling so much. I think I know you from before. How are you dong now?

My only concern is there might be another welcome thread. I will investigate. You will probably receive more support in another forum. Since you know the forums and cannot post elsewhere from what you say, where (unless you already have another thread open now), would you like me to move this one?

Lots of love to you as well.

Yes, Smokey, I apologize and please feel free to move this. I hadn't been on here for a while and I did (somewhat) make a double post but someone wrote that it was formatted so poorly and that they couldn't read it and the person was right. I had everything written in one big "clump" of words.

When I went to change it, and to place it where I think it may belong (TDS?), when I would be completely done and pressed "save", I got a response that said, "Must add title". I tried multiple times with the same response. Then when I tried "NMI" it somehow posted. I can say that the same the same thing happened when I began a thread several months ago (a thread that was moved to TDS and then removed by me because I wrote too much personal information (things that no one would know) that if it would've been viewed by someone who is abusive to me within my life......I probably wouldn't be alive right now to right this message to say the least.

The odd thing is that I then went to "Words" right after I posted this and wrote something not even caring if it posted but more to just get things off of my chest....it did.

I do know that anytime I ever used a computer or a laptop that I never had issues. I can't even write a private message to some people who've asked me to.

Again, I do apologize for the triple "introduction" (all but one concerning different topics) under NMI and will refrain from doing so again.

As for how I am? Not good and I really could use some good, caring and understanding friends so again, please free to place this in the forum that you feel is best. My doctor keeps giving me weekly scrips (yet no where the amount I was taking) plus I learned yesterday that to top all other health conditions I have that I also may have cancer.

I trust blue light more then any other site and "met" so many spectacular people on here months ago when I joined

 

[Bernc1]

I'm also not sure (and never was when I used to come on here all of the time) which symbol is best to press when replying to one individual person.....the "arrow", the 1st "quote box" or the other which has a + sign by it and is the person then informed? I just know that I never was when someone wrote something back to me but it may just be a disadvantage of using the mobile site (which again, right now I must) as opposed to using the full site.

 

[Smoky]

Have you been diagnosed with a form of cancer? Or how do you think you might have it? I'm sorry if you don't know also, as not having answers is stressful.

NMI --- > The Dark Side

 

[Bernc1]

Have you been diagnosed with a form of cancer? Or how do you think you might have it? I'm sorry if you don't know also, as not having answers is stressful.

For me it just depends on symbols or quote options. I get a feel for the thread then decide if I outta quote and reply singularly, or post right beneath. I think it might be a personal preference - depending on context, importance of response and type of forum. Also, amount of people in the thread commenting and time that has passed might be a factor. If only 1 person responds for example, no need to quote as you're the only one responding. Yet, that might be obvious. Just get a feel for what's right in the moment.

I'm sure some others might chime in as well. Good to see you back.

NMI --- > Dark Side. (If needs moving again perhaps moderator in The Dark Side could address it).

Thank you, Smokey. I was hoping to hear back from you but didn't know if I would since I'm not even sure I'm using the mobile site correctly. I get what you mean though now. Meaning the 2nd quote would be towards multiple people. I always only ever used the 1st one when I had my thread months ago "PETRIFIED....."which spoke of my disorder, my addiction and also my abuse.........the abuse being the only reason I removed it because I feared being "recognized". I received so very much kindness on that thread though that I now wish I would've just removed some things that told too much, while keeping other things that made me feel so much better. I loved then going onto other people's threads and giving them advise (as best as I could) and also appreciated the advise I had gotten so very, very much.

I'm not going to use this thread at all to elaborate on the abuse but rather just my addiction and illness. Which, well....are both "illnesses". I want help. I know I need help yet it's so much easier in my opinion to hear input from others who are going through the same exact thing I am or have been through it. Sometimes I feel I'd feel so much better had I have not begun to abuse pain medication before I was declared by my doctor to "need it". By then my addiction was way too out of control and I want to stop since it's a monthly thing.....I take a ton of other medication yet do you think I ever run out if? Never. Just the oxycodone and then I'm horrifically "sick".

My conditions are RSD/CRPS, too many to name spinal cord issues and now yes, maybe cancer. A tumor was found via an ultrasound that was done on my stomach but nothing besides "finding it there" has been done as of yet. Between learning of this, plus having all else and then also facing withdrawals chronically.....it's just all become too much which is why I could really use some friends right now. People that I can speak to about addiction more then anything else. I don't expect anyone to understand why I began taking the medication when I didn't need it, nor do I expect anyone to understand why I then quickly flew up to using up to 150 mgs per day but rather will say this.....yet I know for a fact that on this magnificent site that many will understand.

I'm just so afraid due to my blood pressure issues, don't know whether I should tell my doctor the truth...which is that his 20 mgs per day (that I get each week) do not "cut it" since I was taking nearly 100 per day before I was even diagnosed with any health ailments.

I welcome all and any new friends and will give advise as well as take it.

I'm hoping to hear back from someone soon because one thing I have learned through blue light is that no one judges. A drug is a drug is a drug......being here for one another though can make such a huge difference.

I thank you again, Smokey. For leading me to where I need to be again (unfortunately TDS....I was clean for uhhh, a few days and felt I didn't need blue light anymore......yet now feel so differently and so wrong).....addiction is a life long process. Alone it's a hard battle to concour...with friends that share this same battle? It can become so much easier. Never "easy" but comforting to know we're not alone.

I not only thank you though for leading me back here to "The Dark Side" (because my life truly is here at this time) but I also whole heartedly thank you and all of the other moderators there that spend your time free of charge, not asking for a penny in return besides feeling good that you are helping another. Again, lots of love to you and to all else who is struggling. Myself definitely being one of them. I'm pretty sure (yet don't know for sure that) that all moderators were once addicts who are now trying to help others so besides thanking you all for the "help", I also want to congratulate you all.

 

[tocooperate]

sorry, read most of your posts but just an innocent question: it seems like your stressing about a current situation that may not revolve itself until you address a more fundamental question, are you concerned enough about your health that you are ready to get professional help for your addiction as well as the other physical health concerns?

 

[Bernc1]

sorry, read most of your posts but just an innocent question: it seems like your stressing about a current situation that may not revolve itself until you address a more fundamental question, are you concerned enough about your health that you are ready to get professional help for your addiction as well as the other physical health concerns?

I will answer this as honestly as I can: I'm worried about both equally. I don't want to die nor do I want to lose a limb caused by the rapid progression of my RSD. Cancer? I've seen more then enough loved ones pass away due to it yet I don't want to live with my addiction. Some days I think to myself, "who cares, your health is bad enough as it is". Then other days I think, "DON'T GIVE UP! Fight!!!! Get off these damn pills!!!" The "don't give up and fight days" are more frequent then the "just give up already ones" since the physical issues seemed to pile up onto me all within a short amount of time and I was never a "quitter" yet each time I try when it comes to the addiction aspect of my situation, I seem to fail.

I think that the toughest of all of this is that my last pain management doctor said right in front of me but not directly to me but rather to a nurse that was present in the room: "she's used up all of her options. I feel ketamine is her last hope." I then asked what ketamine was (I truly did not know) and he wrote on a piece of paper "ketamine for RSD" and told me to go home and Google search it. I did and I sure didn't like what I read. Yet oxycodone is no better in many ways. I also want to add that before I had my last procedure done (a neurostimulator trial implant), I confessed that I was overtaking my meds and was promised by my pain management therapist for help to get off of them yet I fully realize that it has to be ME doing most of the work and I didn't give it my "all".

When I learned yesterday that I do have a mass within my stomach and that it could be cancer it was one of those, "Why not just give up again moments". Seeing as how this is a place for nonjudgement, I can honestly say that my emotions are so very mixed. I don't want to feel this pain that I have 24 hours per day yet I also don't want to rely on a pill that at most just makes me feel "not sick" anymore especially when the fact of the matter is that I may become more sick but as in "not being addicted to a drug sick".

I also have severe anxiety issues and feel as though it plays a major part in my emotions. The biggest reason I don't want to tell my doctor is because my tolerance is so very high for one and for two I most likely will be granted disability (unless all of a sudden it appears on my medical record that I'm an addict) which will lead to changes in my life that I'd only prayed for: the biggest being to get out of my abusive relationship. Yet is that a good enough answer? I'm not even sure myself.

As of right now, I am "allowing" myself to go into withdrawals before I take another pill yet keep wondering to myself if I will just fail again. I've never tapered this long and this hard and do I want sobriety? Most definitely. Yet I'm so mixed up as I said as for whether or not to tell my doctor or just to be "sick" yet fear what could happen to me due to my high bp and also due to 3 prior mini strokes (and I'm only 40)......I'm sorry for the "ramble" and being all over the place with my message back but this is the absolute longest within around two years that I've tapered this much at once and my mind feels extremely "fuzzy".

I fully recognize that I have a problem. A severe one but I also am frightened because of my other health problems. I'm fully open to all advise since I don't want my fear to keep me away from doing what I want to do so very much. There are other medications out there. Before 2 years ago? No joke, I'd never even heard of oxycodone abuse. Again, I'm just looking to speak to people that don't judge since I do not, nor will I ever judge anyone else.

I so very much thank anyone who is willing to help me along this long and definitely hard journey and I hope so very much to be the one helping someone else out some day. Much love

 

[Phil.McKeer]

OP, if you are ready to get out of this dependency, I recommend you get yourself some subutex or suboxone and do a rapid taper at home, privately. Here's what I would do if I were you:

1. Source a minimum of 40mg buprenorphine (subutex or suboxone)
2. Source some benzos (xanax or valium are my favorites, others work just as well). You don't need much - just enough to get you to sleep on nights 1 & 2
3. Source some clonidine if possible
4. Source some cannabis (if you're into that - it really helps me with comfort, especially when taken orally)
5. Take a few days off work and use your detox meds to wean off your opiate dependency.

If done correctly, you'll be nearly completely functional and opiate-free in one to two weeks. You'll still feel some w/d symptoms and much cravings after the taper is over, but you'll be in a much better place and will actually have command over your life once again.

I'm on day 7 of my taper and have seldom felt better.

 

[Bernc1]

OP, if you are ready to get out of this dependency, I recommend you get yourself some subutex or suboxone and do a rapid taper at home, privately. Here's what I would do if I were you:

1. Source a minimum of 40mg buprenorphine (subutex or suboxone)
2. Source some benzos (xanax or valium are my favorites, others work just as well). You don't need much - just enough to get you to sleep on nights 1 & 2
3. Source some clonidine if possible
4. Source some cannabis (if you're into that - it really helps me with comfort, especially when taken orally)
5. Take a few days off work and use your detox meds to wean off your opiate dependency.

If done correctly, you'll be nearly completely functional and opiate-free in one to two weeks. You'll still feel some w/d symptoms and much cravings after the taper is over, but you'll be in a much better place and will actually have command over your life once again.

I'm on day 7 of my taper and have seldom felt better.

1st off, congratulations to you for wanting to make a change and doing it. I've often that about suboxone as a dear friend of mine who broke nearly every bone in her back a few years ago and then went through the vicious cycle of using anything and everything, using multiple doctors yet always running out early finally had enough with her life led that way (especially since she has multiple young children).

If you or anyone else could get back to me though, I'd really appreciate it as I've considered this option. She takes them all the time (not as a tapering regimine) and says her pain relief has never been better and that she feels like a brand new woman, never craving and only dosing once per day.

I feel I'd rather a taper though. I already take Xanax me that does take a little edge off and also take lisinopril yet I know clonodine is supposed to work very well for wds and blood pressure yet I've been flung all over the place with new doctors and when I even mentioned clonodine to my last one he looked at me as if I was some vicious monster. I now have all different doctors now for good reason. I wonder would they feel differently?

I suppose it's fear keeping me from asking. I was given 28 5's at my last appointment on Wednesday and it was written to take 1, 4 times per day. Continuing rx. I DON'T want to continue on this way. Pain or no pain, my life sucks (for lack of a better term) and I would actually rather the PAIN, PAIN as opposed to the wd pain.

I don't work, my condition has led me to do something I swore I'd never: quit working and seek disability. I kept "fighting" and wanted to make myself feel better no matter what it took. After around 8 months of doing everything under the sun that my old doctors suggested (besides the Ketamine implant) I feel I've given up. Yet I don't want to- EVER. I know what I'm writing is so very contradicting. Or may sound that way but I do want to give my body a "fresh start" so to speak as I've heard that much of the time our pain is not as bad as we feel it and that we learn that when we stop taking the opiates.

As for Cannabis---the funny thing (or rather ironic since you mentioned it) was that one time recently I was able to get it and I actually "forgot" to take my pain meds and felt great for hours on end. Laughing and joking. Almost as if the "old me" had returned for a while. In my area it's hard to find though as would be the pills if not for my family member because there's no way I'd be able to afford them. I also take many other medications for my pain but none help.

I just wish I knew if I asked for suboxone if it would cause me to either lose any hope of disiability and would then forever lead me to have no trust in my doctors. One HUGE part of me just wants to tell them (and I did tell one about 6 months ago and she promised me a near painless outpatient detox....I was willing to go for it and even told her what my real addiction was (amount wise)......she gave me 30, 10 mgs and a taper schedule. It didn't work out so well.

I would like to ask you though, if you happen to see this (as I don't know how to tag a name), if you got the subs from your doctor. Also, do you feel methadone would work the same? Some say but others say STAY AWAY.

I really, really do appreciate your advise though and thank you so very much. I hope you stay in touch as talking for me is so therapeutical. Also, congratulations again on what I now suppose is day 8 for you

 

[Bernc1]

I would also like to add that I need to stop feeling as though ALL doctors will treat me harshly just because the last ones I had did.

Again, I would love to be able to see how bad my body REALLY feels. Wednesday would've been the perfect opportunity but as always I "chickened out" again. It's their protocol to make all pain patients go every week for a script. Yet seeing as how I already took my per day dose of 20 milligrams, this is not going to be possible for me to do alone. I admitted the problem to myself. Now I really need to admit it to them. I don't want to live the rest of my life counting days, counting pills, secluding myself from friends. Yes, I may have legitimate health issues but addiction is definitely one of them.

 

[Phil.McKeer]

Hi OP, I source my subs from my "black pharmacy".

From what I understand, methadone is better for a longer-term taper or maintenance. Buprenorphine, IME, is optimal when used as part of a rapid taper.

If you're already taking xanax, you may want to take a tolerance break for about a week in anticipation of your detox so that 2mg actually knocks you out again.

 

[Bernc1]

Hi OP, I source my subs from my "black pharmacy".

From what I understand, methadone is better for a longer-term taper or maintenance. Buprenorphine, IME, is optimal when used as part of a rapid taper.

If you're already taking xanax, you may want to take a tolerance break for about a week in anticipation of your detox so that 2mg actually knocks you out again.

Gotcha....I wish I could do the same........I actually have been doing that so super great advise. My dose is supposed to be 3, 1 mgs tabs per day but I've cut it to 1 per day because for some reason when I take the Oxycodone, I don't need much of the Xanax (I have heard that oxycodone has anti anxiety properties in it so maybe that's why and I don't know it to be true but it does seem to work that way for me).....I also just put up another post concerning two other meds I'm prescribed which is Gabapentin (3,600 mgs per day and 30 mgs of Baclofen per day).....

Have you by chance heard of either being successful? The Gabapentin definitely is not for me but the Baclofen seems to kick my a*s!! Which is kind of a good thing when going through wds. Plus I was figuring that since I can get my Xanax filled on Tuesday (which will be 90, 1 mgs) that maybe this time I can do it. I truly want this so badly.

As for the methadone? I'll fill you in briefly on my experience because you are right. I took it instead of Oxycodone for 3 days. I felt fine. The 4th day? My wds were a million times worse and I felt like I needed 200 mgs of Oxycodone to pull me out but didn't have it and it was by far (again just my own personal experience) the worst wds I have ever been through. Yet I've read of some people taking it in the hospital for 5 or so days and then being fine (but the cravings were still there).

How many days are you going to use the subs for? And then for you, how do you do that? Gradually then taper off them? When done do you still feel "ok"?

I do have suboxone clinics in my area but the problem there is that insurance (at least mine doesn't) won't cover it and it's extremely costly, you must go daily and you can't have anything (including Xanax) in your system. I actually know of someone who was being prescribed Dilaudid. Went to her doctor and her doctor decided to do a random drug screening, cannabis showed up and she was denied her script. This was the 1st time that she has showed up having anything else in her system and imo that was a bit harsh because now she's sick as sh*t. Again, just my opinion. My point within saying that is that doctors are really cracking down. Giving me one week supplies of 28, 5 mgs? Whereas I used to get 90, 10 mgs per month? Yet, no amount has ever been "enough" for me which is why I've decided I want to just stop.

Again, I'm sorry for yet another ramble. The odd thing? When I'm "on something" people would never know. Yet when I'm tapering my dose THEN people think I'm "on something" because I "talk too much". Hmmmm, but anyway, please do let me know if you've heard of either of the 2 scripts I mentioned (GABA and Baclofen) helping with wds and also let me know how you're feeling and again, I'm curious as for how long you're going to take the subs and if you've done it before and then stopped using anything for a while. I'm assuming you're on day 9? If so, great job. Either way though, as I've said I don't judge anyone as I don't ever wish to be judged which is why I love blue light so much

 

[Phil.McKeer]

Hi Bern, as far as the two scripted meds you mentioned, I've heard people report that gabapentin helps them somewhat (it is prescribed for RLS symptoms sometimes, so I can see it helping with some w/d symptoms such as RLS and general restlessness etc). I've never heard of anyone mention baclofen but from what I can tell it looks like it acts a lot like benzos so it would very likely provide some relief.

I am on day 10 today and tapered to 0.25mg yesterday and took nothing today. I feel fine, mostly. I've noticed an increased sensitivity to temperature changes (getting chills, then suddenly being too warm, then getting gooseflesh, etc).

My sleep has continued to be undisturbed (I'm taking benzos at night). There's a chance that when I discontinue the benzos (which will be soon - the withdrawal syndrome from benzos is even worse than opioids) the insomnia will rear its ugly head, but that's fine. I'll be ready.

My taper schedule this time went like this (in mg/day) - 8, 6, 4, 2, 2, 1, 1, 0.5, 0.25, jump to 0.

 

[Bernc1]

Hey, Phil. I'm sorry for much too late reply.

 

[Bernc1]

Hi Bern, as far as the two scripted meds you mentioned, I've heard people report that gabapentin helps them somewhat (it is prescribed for RLS symptoms sometimes, so I can see it helping with some w/d symptoms such as RLS and general restlessness etc). I've never heard of anyone mention baclofen but from what I can tell it looks like it acts a lot like benzos so it would very likely provide some relief.

I am on day 10 today and tapered to 0.25mg yesterday and took nothing today. I feel fine, mostly. I've noticed an increased sensitivity to temperature changes (getting chills, then suddenly being too warm, then getting gooseflesh, etc).

My sleep has continued to be undisturbed (I'm taking benzos at night). There's a chance that when I discontinue the benzos (which will be soon - the withdrawal syndrome from benzos is even worse than opioids) the insomnia will rear its ugly head, but that's fine. I'll be ready.

My taper schedule this time went like this (in mg/day) - 8, 6, 4, 2, 2, 1, 1, 0.5, 0.25, jump to 0.[/QUOTE
I accidentally pressed something I didn't mean to when I wrote what I did above and then couldn't delete it. I'm also so sorry for my late response but I had a family tragedy (a cousin of mine shot herself due to pain issues and even though I barely knew her it still hit me hard) plus I've been going through massive wds while trying to taper. I somehow jumped down to 20 mgs per day for the past week (using the small amount of methadone I had) but then crashed bad and I don't understand why. If it were a lot of methadone then I would. Alls I know is that this is going to be one heck of a tough battle.

How are you are feeling. As for the benzo wds? They are awful!!! I've been on 3 mgs of Xanax (but usually take much less) since February of 2009 and have tried to quit a few times but even after a month or so I still felt awful. Since you've not taken them for too long hopefully you won't get them that bad (maybe a bit of shakiness or a small amount of insomnia??). Also, how have your drug "cravings" been? Anyway, I hope so much that you are doing well and also hope to hear back from you soon. Lots of love