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Need some advice...

I

infectedmushroom

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 14, 2007
Messages
1,371
Location
the bridge, OZ land
I need a way to tell my dad to stop physically harrassing me.

It isn't sexual or anything but whenever he's very worked up he thinks it is OK to overstep personal space boundaries. He doesn't try to hit me anymore because he probably knows I would break his face. I really don't want to have to hit him but he doesn't seem to understand through words, spoken or not, that I will not accept the way he sometimes lays his hands on me (pushing, shoving, shaking.)

It brings up previous traumatic experiences as a child, coming from him, where once as a young child he choked me half to death for a trivial mistake. Literally. One of my earlies memories is a near death experience. As a result now whenever he oversteps this boundary it makes me incredibely spiteful.

I try not to resort to destructive tendencies when I get these feelings (my favourite is opiates and/or vandalism) and I'm not weak enough to go and pick a fight in the street.

I'm just not sure how to go about this. My pride as a man and as a human being dies a little bit everytime he oversteps the mark and one day soon I will snap as a pure primal response and I know everything will go to shit. I am nineteen and it is the last thing I need. 8(

Peace
 
Hey mate, this really sucks to hear. I can only imagine how tough it is to have that kind of stress in your own house. I know you're only 19 but is there any possibility of you being able to move out of home any time soon? Have you got a job? Have you maybe got some friends you could stay with or rent a unit with?

That might help the situation in the immediate/short-term, but long term....if possible, you really need to make it very clear to your dad that his behaviour is NOT acceptable and that you will NOT stand for it. That definitely doesn't mean you need to resort to physical retaliation or anything. If anything you should avoid getting physical with him at all costs because that will just be lowering your standards of behaviour. But you've got to let him know that now you're an adult, you're not going to put up with his physical bullying any more, and there will be consequences if he continues doing it. Those consequences could be that you won't ever come over to your parents place any more, or something like that. I'm sure your father doesn't want that to happen, he loves you and wants you in his life. But this is taking such a toll on you, you need to take control of the situation.

Now, I know it's easy for me to say all of that, I don't know you or your dad or your situation in life. But does any of it sound relevant or like something you could pursue??

Take care mate <3
 
Yeah, I think that moving out is the simplest solution. Solves the personal space issue like that! <snap>

Violence only begets more violence, and while I understand the huge effort that it takes to put down a sudden violent urge, it is best to prevent said urge in the first place. Having said that, I want to say that it is a big thing that you haven't throttled him, and is certainly worth noting. As of right now, you're the better man, by far. Keep it up! And seriously consider moving out, as soon as you're able to do so in a permanent manner.
 
Probably the best time to talk about it is when you are not fighting. I would tell him exactly what you told us.

How do you currently handle it? Do you just walk away? That's what I would do.
 
You are 19, so you are an adult. That right there empowers you. I would sit down with him while he is calm, and tell him in a way in which he could understand that his physical abuse he is exercising on you is not okay. And you have to recognize it for what it is, physical abuse, and frankly punishable by law. If he is understanding, if he makes an honest attempt to restrain himself, if he catches himself, that is progress. If he persists I would tell him flat out you will not tolerate it, and will not have a relationship with him because of his abuse. I am sorry you are victim to this, I really am. You must stand up for yourself, you must do so in a pacifistic way. You must be assertive, but avoid reciprocal physical agression for that will worsen the issue at hand. Protect your psychological and physical well-being, and if avoiding your father is neccessary to achieve this, then do so. Seriously, be HONEST, and stand up for yourself. In addition to protecting yourself from further trauma or revival of past traumas, I might suggest some psychotherapy to help you deal with the traumas you have experienced. I don't know if your father would be willing to attend a therapy session with you or see a therapist himself, or in someway dealing with his anger in a healthy way.
 
Thanks for the helpful replies.

Ive cooled off since this morning and am definitely going to tell him that what he is doing is unnacceptable. Hopefully in the short term this is enough to avoid further conflict.

This incident has convinced me however that moving out is my next priority, which is kind of still sad to me, because my home life is actually normally really not that bad.

Anyway, thanks again <3
 
Your father has a terrible problem. Having one of your first memories be a near death experience would be traumatic enough but to have had it be at the hands of the person you are supposed to trust above all others is incomprehensible. Even if your home life is generally "not that bad", just having such a huge unresolved trauma buried and unspoken between you is very destructive. I hope that not only can you move out as soon as possible but that you can get some help for the very deep trauma an experience like that caused (and the sad part is that I am sure that it wasn't isolated). You are amazing in your restraint. Much love to you and I hope that your situation can change very soon. Verbally confronting your father calmly and non-violently will go a long way towards your own healing.<3
 
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