need peace of mind

[bighooter]

Basically im 25 and been abusing drugs for 10 years now, I have only ever had 3 relationships with girls (longest lasted a month), the girl just usually says im like a robot.

I have had dead end jobs all my life and for the last 3 years been unemployed and getting high near enough everyday/ or whenever i socialise.

Up until a few weeks ago I started going crazy when i was on drugs or alcohol, i think my brain has had enough and now i cant go to the shops without having an anxiety attack.

ive been on all sorts of meds and exercised etc,

but ive now got a new job which is a dead end 1 and I feel like I cant connect with anyone there I feel like a complete sociopath who only knows how to feel pain, depression and anxiety. I feel emotionally crippled and am wondering if I will ever be 'normal' again?

I dont want to take anti depressants coz they have never worked before only masked the problem, I can only hope I will find salvation in meditation which im doing.

I just want to know whether ive destroyed my life, or if there is any chance I will be able to make a success of my life. Peace.

 

[bais3]

kinda on the same boat here... :hug:

 

[masumune]

 

[Pagey]

Maybe you should see this new job as an opportunity and incentive to quit drug use? Or at least limit it? A way to start your life over, sort of. It is perfectly normal for you to feel emotionally crippled after 10 years of drug abuse, but if you get sober rest assured you will be back to normal, or at least close to it. You have not destroyed your life and you still have many, many years ahead of you. Just try to make the best of them - the sooner you get clean the better.

 

[spyhunter2]

I am 25 as well and have been doing dope (heroin) for the last 4 years, I recently got clean by a stint in jail, I thought I could never have a normal life again. I was wrong, life is way better without drugs. You still have a chance!~

 

[herbavore]

OP, it sounds like depression is really just putting that dark veil between you and life. It is so difficult to see anything in a positive light when you are in that state. The good news about that is that it is not something permanent that you have done to your brain so if you take that fear out of your thinking at least it might open up a little more hope. I respect your choice to not use anti-depressants. It may be that you decide in the future to try one temporarily as a last resort but in the meantime what I would recommend is Mindfulness training and meditation. Don't be scared off by the meditation part (many people initially are). I have found that practicing this way of thinking on a daily basis has given me peace of mind. Suffering still happens, my life is the same, but internally I feel strength and calm much more than I used to. It is a very paradoxical philosophy. Instead of running away from the emotions that cause us pain, we can turn to face them, embrace them and feel them dissipate. It is simple, but for westerners, not at all what we have been trained to do. We are primed to live lives of stress and judgement. Judging your job as dead end is probably not useful for you right now. You have bigger things to think about. It can be a temporary way to pay your bills in which case it doesn't matter if it is "dead end" or it can be seen differently as something that has only one purpose--to support you financially--and appreciated as such. When you are stronger emotionally and you have more distance from all the years and habits and destructive ways of thinking that drug use gave you, then you can start to look at ways to change how you make a living. For now, try not to use it as a weapon against yourself. It is only now and now is not forever. Check out this threadfor some resources to read up on Mindfulness.

You are most certainly not a sociopath. You are just feeling the numbness that comes from quitting after prolonged drug use, especially during your formative years, as well as the effects of depression. You are still who you were as a little boy, with the same capability for emotion you had then; it's just that you have to retrain your mind to access your emotions. It is totally possible but your best friend right now is going to be patience! It won't just happen. It will take the same commitment you used to get off drugs. I am assuming that you quit but am I wrong in that? If not, that definitely has to come first. Hang in there. It will get better.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Something hard to believe is not everyone makes it in life, but if you stay with drugs you can't get anything new from the same thing.... so find what bothers you most and fix it. The job? fix it... its not easy advise is simple talk is cheap but its worth it if you can gain happyness by finding something harder, or something that can grow..

Shit even MCdonalds has a place for you to go managment... its not everything but its something and if you have a clean rap sheet fuck... go work corprit get a life..

 

[pastelcircus]

You may consider your job dead end, but considering where you are emotionally, you might not be able to handle your dream job right now, even if it magically fell into your lap. These things take time. It took years for you to get yourself where you are right now, it's probably going to take months, if not years, to get to a point where you feel comfortable expressing yourself.

It's a process that's sometimes excruciatingly slow and painful, but I promise you this-

It's worth every second.

 

[bighooter]

Thanks for the replies guys youve been a great help.

I am stonecold sober apart from taking the odd diazepam at work when ever i feel a panic attack coming on, ive been going to the gym lately which is helping me alot with my anxiety, reading loads of self help books. But its nice to hear your comments im going to win this battle. 1 love.

 

[herbavore]

^ That is great to hear, bighooter! I think self-help books can be a great way to introduce new ways of thinking about yourself and your life.

 

[Gannicus]

sounds normal. don't let life get you down with some lofty expectations. Everyone goes through he same stuff. Like me. Work sucks, sex life sucks, but my drive to work is fantastic, with lush green scenery, and stone bridges and walls along the potomac river. It's not that bad.