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TDS Need motivation from the community I love

Psychedalienation

Psychedalienation

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2016
Messages
391
Location
With a little sweet and simple numbing me
I went from having a normal life in a nice upper middle class neighborhood to a homeless kid sleeping in the sand while freezing ass wind bites my skin at 2 am.

I could have been the fucking poster child. I could have been the normal white kid who went to college and got a job and had a family and lived life with money so that I could see the world.

Now I'm a fucking street kid. Lived on the Venice Beach Boardwalk for 4 months and now I'm in Manhattan Beach, CA. I have no money to get back home and even if I had it, I only have like 30$ in food stamps left and they don't refill until January 8th.

I'm like lost as fuck right now. My parents will NOT give me another chance and I'm really against me going into the military.

All I need to do is panhandle with my friend to get the bus money, go to my hometown, and get work FAST. If I fail, I'll have to start stealing my food every day from grocery stores which is very sus and very risky.

I had an idea of what I wanted this post to be but now I can't really think. I just feel like I'm meant for more and I want it to happen but I need to WANT it, I need to NEED it, and I need to attack it with the fire in my soul and get off these fuckign streets. FUCK BEING HOMELESS. It's fucking shit and fuck everything about it. I'm tired of seeing people with perfectly showered skin, laughing and experiencing life with their loved ones while I carry 30 lbs of fucking shit that is essential for me to survive somewhat fucking half decently.

Fuck man.

Someone talk to me or something please I love you all. I have no friends that will take me in and my family is NOT an option to go back. I have to do this myself I just don't feel motivated enough for some reason. It's hard being at the bottom.

Also today is my first sober day in like half a year (no weed at all). Feels weird, bad, and good all at the same time.
 
Being homeless is indeed very hard. I feel your pain I did it for a year in my teens, if you don't mind my asking why isn't your family an option.
 
They gave me too many chances bro. I've been caught so many times smoking inside, drinking inside, so many bottles found, they've found MDMA and LSD in my room before, smoked cigs in the backyard and got caught, came home drunk many times, got in alot of fights with drunk people who wanted to attack me because they couldn't handle their liquor, they've seen me in a cop car 3 times, heard me scream, yell, cry, bawl, argue, fight, etc. I was given one last chance to sleep in my backyard if I followed this list of rules they made me sign. The biggest thing on there was joining the military. If I got a job, all money would have to go to them to save for me until I enlisted and was shipped out. I was only doing the military as a last resort. A week or two before I went into the army, I got an offer to stay in West LA. I stole my brother's recyclables for the bus and train tickets and left unannounced and without goodbye.

I still talk to my mom alot whenever I can and we are on great terms but it is understood by both of us that I will not come back to that house until I have my own place and am sober.
 
I miss my family deeply and I am in mental distress now. I wish they would take me back. I wish I had a time machine. I wish substance abuse was never in my life. I want to take shrooms VERY badly. I've only done them once and it was the most profound experience I've had. I am completely broke but I know when the time comes for me to shroom, I will make up my mind about what needs to happen in my life. I feel like I'm relying on the shroom experience to come though, which is another reason I cam to post here today.
 
I'm sorry to hear that about your family man, I just recently reconnected with my family, took me showing up with track marks all over and majorly underweight. I'm glad you can still maintain a relationship with your mother though.
 
Right now, I only smoke weed and drink alcohol occasionally. MDMA is my favorite drug though I've only done it 4 times. I have mad respect for psychedelics and dissos but I do not do them very often at all.

I got into meth a tiny bit in Venice. Basically when it was around my friend, I'd do it and he'd only do it when his friend had it around. But once I started I'd be up for 2 or 3 days until I slept and didn't touch it for a min. I don't do meth now and don't plan on it. I'd say I've done it 15-20ish times.
 
bptubbs said:
I'm sorry to hear that about your family man, I just recently reconnected with my family, took me showing up with track marks all over and majorly underweight. I'm glad you can still maintain a relationship with your mother though.
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Well through the internet, sure. I asked her to visit me in Venice and she was reluctant as she "didn't want to see me in this state".

I'm sorry to hear that man. I hope all is better now and you are healthy inside and out.
 
Psychedalienation said:
Right now, I only smoke weed and drink alcohol occasionally. MDMA is my favorite drug though I've only done it 4 times. I have mad respect for psychedelics and dissos but I do not do them very often at all.

I got into meth a tiny bit in Venice. Basically when it was around my friend, I'd do it and he'd only do it when his friend had it around. But once I started I'd be up for 2 or 3 days until I slept and didn't touch it for a min. I don't do meth now and don't plan on it. I'd say I've done it 15-20ish times.
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How come you're homeless and panhandling then? What caused you to decide to live this way, or forced you to live this way?
 
Me and my friend who was letting me stay with him in LA in his mom's apt went to the Venice Boardwalk one night and got robbed by a group of Shorline Crips for 4 1/2 eighths of shrooms and an ounce and a half of fire weed. We came back come and were soup set that we dipped into his diclazepam microdose stash and did massive doses and blacked out. I was told I did alot of stupid shit that night and I don't remember literally a single thing. Long story short I was forced to leave and was banned from the property. Since then I have been homeless.
 
Really sorry to read about this mate :( Are there any homeless shelters/services in your area? Or any assistance programmes to help you get out of the situation you can apply to? (sorry I don't know a lot about welfare programs out there).
 
Alright I'm joining the US Army.

Don't know how this is gonna work but I'm quitting weed as of today and I'm gonna go to a recruiter tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support. The last time I was gonna join the military, I backed out last second. I'm not gonna make that mistake this time. This life of being homeless and watching my family grow away from me as I sit here and suffer is too tiring to keep up. The military is money, housing, food, and all sorts of other benefits. I'm gonna get a non-combat job and go to college after.

Love you guys. <3
 
Wish you luck man. A buddy of mine was a sergeant, he said it has gotten much easier in recent years. It's definitely a commitment but it's a good path
 
Hey kid! I'm glad to see you back posting here but I'm sorry it is under these circumstances. I'm not going to try to talk you out of the military but I want you to know there may be other options. <3

I was a street kid many, many moons ago in Chicago. It's not easy but at least then it was the hippie era and we almost felt like our failures (whatever had brought each of us to homelessness) were actually not failures but successful rejections of the culture we felt alienated from.8) In truth, we were a lot more messed up and we knew it but it took a while for me to see that.

I think that there may be programs in the LA area to help you. Remember, even if you are not religious, you do not have to accept the dogma to accept the help from a religious organization. Also, just call County Social Services--they often have programs to help homeless youth in particular. Some of the programs may offer you help but you could also get involved volunteering with one. Maybe if you get involved with a program it will empower you to try to ask your family to reconsider their "tough love" stance. I'm sure they are getting that advice from lots of "experts" but try to understand that they are also confused and feeling like failures. Maybe if they see you doing something proactive for yourself that will be the little nudge that turns them around.

Try to resist fatalism in your thinking. This part of your life is hard but it can just as easily go in a brand new direction as it could easily continue to downward spiral. Some things you can't control (your family's participation, getting a job easily) so concentrate on what you can control. Accept responsibility for mistakes but do not accept feeling guilty or ashamed of yourself. You are young, you made a few risky choices and now you are in the school of life in a powerful way. This is not all bad. I look back on that part of my life and see everything I learned from it. I came from the middle class, too. I never would have developed the empathy I feel now when I see someone with nothing had I not walked in those shoes once. So hold your head up, define your moral compass for you and don't let negative thinking and despair get hold of your head. No one should ever be defined by their lowest moments so don't do that to yourself.

You have time and youth and a smart head on your shoulders to get this all turned around. Try to exercise patience and take small meaningful steps in the direction you want to go. And learn to be very, very honest with yourself. I'm glad you found a way to be online and start this thread. Stay with us and keep us posted. You are not alone.<3
 
It's better than this. It really is a commitment but I'm ready to embrace it. I feel like I'm getting dumber every day that I smoke weed at this point. Not in intelligence but in brain function and efficiency (memory, comprehension, attention, etc.) I think I'm finally ready to let it go.

I'm sure I'll love basic training. Beds, food, a roof at night. That's the joys of life in my opinion. I haven't had all of those in a while and I long for them.

Thanks for the well wishes and I'm glad your buddy is doing good from it.
 
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