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Need Hope, Help and a Plan

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beezkneez

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
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Hi, I'm very new to bluelight. I'm on a mission to detox at home from opiates. I've been on about 30-90mg a day of Roxies for about 3 weeks now and have been using since 2001 with lots of breaks of recovery in between. The first time I went through withdrawal I used suboxone (8 years ago) and used it for 1 week and quit heroin for years and years. Within the past 3 I've dabbled again with pills and now I've got myself a nice little addiction again. I'm tired of the RLS and anxiety and being in such a bad mood all the time. I've wrecked havoc on my body, my hair is thinning and I'm breaking out, lethargic and my mood is out of control. I hate being me and that's a bad feeling I'm ready to change.

I'm trying to prepare to the best of my ability so I can lessen the withdrawal as much as possible. I have extreme RLS and that is my biggest fear and I can't stand the skin-crawling feeling. Makes me use every time. I've been doing a ton of research and am interested in healing myself with lots of vitamins, supplements, good food, exercise (if possible) and water. So far I've stocked on quite a collection of different things to aid me and would love advice on a plan, if anything seems like a bad idea or even just words of hope and recovery... please. I'm so desperate. Here are a few things I've acquired to help get me through:

Kratom - powdered Bali - 1 ounce (probably not enough)
8 xanax bars for sleep emergencies (will definitely break into 1/3 if and when I do use it)
Weed (i'm a stoner)
Immodium AD - 24 caps
Alpha Lipoic Acid (free radicals)
Milk Thistle (liver)
5HTP (depression is a HUGE problem for me right now)
B-6 and B-12
Vitamin C
Potassium
Hylands RLS sub-lingual pills
Multi-Vitamin for her
L-Tyrosine (coming in the mail)
Good probiotic

I'm contemplating getting 2 8mg suboxone strips to taper down within 5 days (a small dose works well for me so definitely don't need the whole thing at once) but I've heard horror stories of addiction with that so want to use as last resort for as little as possible. I plan on getting through as long as I can through the withdrawal and trying the kratom (if I don't use subs) but I'm not sure if I have enough. I'd just like a plan, something written out in front of me with my goals and taper schedules. I have a few opiates now that I will probably use up before I start. I've been supplementing with most of the list this week to get my body ready. Mostly I just need prayer or support. I'm doing this by myself, NO ONE AT ALL knows I'm struggling with addiction again. I'm at risk of losing my boyfriend who I adore because of my attitude (I'm seriously so miserable ON the drugs..) I just feel alone and it's so hard hiding such a big secret. I will lose him and anyone else I care about if I tell them. I have meetings nearby I can attend but I need to get through this withdrawal myself, by myself and no one can know. If anyone could offer ANYTHING that would be great. I will update daily with my experience and what works/doesn't and hope that maybe my sad sob story can help someone else, too. Thank you.
 
I used one sub strip to kick a similar habit not too long ago. Actually, half, since there were two of us. My taper was mostly painless, but I did relapse. Fortunately I started sub again today. Here's what my taper looked like: 1mg. .5. .5. .5. .5. 25. .25. .25. .25.

Hope this was helpful. Don't beat yourself up. You can do this!!!!
 
Thanks for the reply. I'm going to try to skip the sub all together. I'm not sure if I can even get any. When I was coming off IV heroin 8 years ago I was given suboxone tabs once a day for a week with a taper. That was it and I felt fine (my dad even accused me of still getting high) Now I know all my friends are on it and theyre on 16mg a DAY for years at a time. Ridiculous. I was using suboxone a month or so ago to help with cravings and taking very small doses and was starting to feel withdrawal from it so switched back to roxies.. bad decision but I would rather kick those than subs. I think I could get by with 1 or 2 to get me through the worst but the psychological side and RLS sucks. I have RLS bad even when I'm not using. I've heard great things about Kratom though. May order some more because I don't think an ounce is enough. I just want to be done forever this time.
 
I would not use the kratom or loperamide as they are opiate receptor antagonists and even though they may provide some relief the will not allow your receptors to shut down quickly so they may hold you in acute withdrawal.

The medications I would explore the use of fror detox would be:




>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..

one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE<
OR >Lyrica<


>A BENZO BUT JUST AT NIGHT<
>a nsaid<
>melatonin<
tylenol


best of luck!

I forgot too.. Welcome to Blue Light beez=D


I think you are making the correct descion to stay off the subs.. I personally dont think that a sub tapper works or is a good idea for a long time habit.. I think even if it makes the withdrawal somewhat less severe (IF) it makes the significantly longer due to its really long half life.. here is an interesting thread link > Switching from Subutex to Morphine for faster withdrawal...bad idea? < How long was your last recovery period?


Also there is a lot of good advice and suport in the recovery forums consider stopping by=D >Sub-Forums : Recovery Support<
 
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Thank you. I was clean off opiates for about 5 years and started dabbling again and now I fear the withdrawals since I've got myself to that point. Last weekend I had a freak out because I didn't have anything for the first time in months and I know it's mostly in my head but I can't fight it. I'm weak and alone and can't say no when the RLS and anxiety hit. I have a full-time job that I can't take off from so I need this to be quick and painless (haha, yea right). I need a few placebo drugs to help with the mental side of things, so Kratom, immodium.. I don't care. I've never used anything but suboxone to get clean. Clonodine did NOTHING for me during my heroin days. I'm really trying to stay away from the sub but I find myself prolonging the detox until I get an emergency strip or 2. I just really want to set myself up for SUCCESS and need help. If anything I need encouragement because I don't think I can do this alone. The fact that no one knows and I can't rely on family or friend support really sucks this time.
 
30-90mg of oxycodone isn't that much of a habit, so you should be able to kick with the loperamide and xanax. Clonodine works wonders, and that's all that I would use to kick, and have kicked the equivalent of 300+ mg of oxy a day for months with just clonidine and a tiny bit of valium. If you use Imodium then I suggest starting with somewhere between 8-12mg (max of 16mg if you really need it), then lowering the dose from there.

twotoomany said:
I used one sub strip to kick a similar habit not too long ago. Actually, half, since there were two of us. My taper was mostly painless, but I did relapse. Fortunately I started sub again today. Here's what my taper looked like: 1mg. .5. .5. .5. .5. 25. .25. .25. .25.

Hope this was helpful. Don't beat yourself up. You can do this!!!!
Click to expand...

I would suggest a similar taper if they go the sub route, using 1 sub to do 2mg, 2mg, 1mg, 1mg, .5mg, .5mg, .25 the next 4 days.

I'm going to move this to the proper section.

Other Drugs --> Sober Living
 
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Don't worry beezer you can do this and we got your back=D and this may just be in your head I would give it a go and I think you will be fine.. maybe feel a little shitty but I don't think you will really be that dope sick... so maybe prepare and get ready for the worst but I would expect the best. Also in a case like this I agree with the lope and kratom.. as you have been only using for a couple weeks I doubt you have turned on to many opiate receptors.
 
No I have been using for about 2 years now but off and on. I would make myself take breaks a few days in between so I wouldn't get those dreaded withdrawals and was supplementing with small amounts of suboxone. But the last few weeks I've gone on a binge and haven't taken any breaks and have had access to way too many and got carried away. About a week ago when I didn't have anything I felt withdrawal.. I couldn't go anywhere until I had something. But I do realize this is mostly in my head which is what I really need to overcome. I think I'm pretty well stocked to combat certain symptoms but the skin-crawling and RLS, even during the day drive me nuts. Especially sitting in an office at a desk alllllllllllll.daaaaaaaaaaay.loooooooooooooong drives me bat shit. I want to quit tomorrow but I don't have sub and going to bed with the best of intentions once I wake up I'm like NOPE. Not risking it, and use :( I've done more like 120-150mg many days and I know if I quit cold turkey I WILL have withdrawal. My depression is really getting to me as well. I've had such a hard year which is a big reason on why I started using the way I am in the first place. I need to see a therapist/psychiatrist to see if there's better ways I can learn to cope but even with gangsta insurance it's almost impossible to get an appointment. And I also dont want to be on medications and turn into a zombie. I just need to talk and vent and learn how to cope with the bullshit that is my life. ::sigh::

Thank you for moving this to the correct forum. I apologize if I annoy anyone with my ignorance to this site. I've been trying to catch up on the rules and learn how to navigate properly. And thank you all for your advice and well-wishes. It REALLY helps me.

Question - How much is a proper dose of powdered bali kratom? It seems you have to do quite a few grams at a time (I have just an ounce) but I've also looked into the less is more approach.

So far today I've loaded up on my vitamins and supplements, plenty of water, good wholesome real food.. and about 70mg of roxy :( :( Tomorrow I will try to do nothing or very little.. I'm really waiting to get my hands on a strip so the back of my mind can relax. If all hell breaks lose I can take a small piece of sub and feel some relief but I can NOT use that as an alternative. I'm way overthinking this... my problem
 
Already messed up and have done 20mg.. why can't i stop?? I'm destroying my life. I hate it hate it hate it. heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp
 
Today I didn't use any opiates! Big progress, hoping to last forever. My boyfriend who I've never loved more than anyone broke up with me today. Just a few hours ago. It hurt and my depression is very bad. But I didn't use today. I wanted to die but I will do this. I've already lost the most important thing, I can't lose anything else but myself. I have absolutely no support but I figure I never will. And I'm ok with that. It's me till the end, ride or die I guess. Hopefully not the latter. I wish I had support, it's what I really need. Just someone to tell me they believe in me and I can do this because I don't believe in myself. But I got day 1 in the books and it was awful. Only 4 or 5 more to go and then it's the mental torture. But if this doesn't kill me I will if I don't stop. I came here after being a lurker for years begging for support and I guess I'm in the wrong place but I will use this as my journal. To mark my progress and today was huge. To look at this and realize I did this all alone. If I can do this, I can do anything. Tomorrow I will do this as well. One fucking day at a time. I hope if I make it till the end that I can help someone as alone as myself and they will see that you don't need a damn person. If you ask for help you will not receive it and that's ok. I will do this. Day one in the books. Good job, beez.
 
Hey beez<3 Congratulations on a day!!!:D I believe In you.. you are doing this.. you can and will do this.. it not easy but its not that hard you.. you can do this.. I know you can do this.. your doing great. I believe in you. alright one day down.. It only takes a little while to walk outta hell.. it wont be as bad as you think.. keep your head in today, as it so important to avoid the emotions, no yesterday, no tomorrow, just today.. things will work themselves out but you have to get clean again.. just need to plow through.. no siting around.. get rid of the opiates or you will use them and have to start over.. i belive in ya beez.. here we go girl.. I believe beez<3=D<3


>Mindfulness<


I believe In you beez!!! ​
 
You are strong, bees. I know I cannot do it (stop taking opiates). I cannot even face it. If I go one day between scripts, my depression is out if control.
 
Day 2 in the books! I just logged on thinking not a single person would reply. I actually looked around wondering how I could... end it all together but I looked in my dogs eyes staring at me so sad for me. And I won't. But I didn't use today. And I won't tomorrow. I may get jumped and killed by someone else but "I" am proud of myself. I have to stick around for my boxer. And if nothing else I'm not going to let her down. Just a few more days. I did use xanax and alcohol but fuck it.. if it's getting me through than fuck it. I'll probably take it again tonight (I slept till 8pm last night just trying to forget EVERYTHING and then I was threatened to be.. bla bla bla.. killed over a 500$ debt) that was fun. But i didn't fucking use!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you NSNM, you are my saving grace right now. Logging on just now and wanting to kill myself over just depression, not WD, and thinking again no one gives a fuck about me, and seeing your post just saved me. Know that. You just saved a stranger. Thank you :) and i will fight this for the rest of my life. Or at least today ;)

Another thing I'd like to throw in is what I call "future tripping", if I could stop worrying about TOMORROW, which isn't here yet and will probably be a good day if i let it happen, is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge part of my addiction, depression. overall life sucks attitude. fuck tomorrow. i did good today and im gonna pat myself on the back. thans again neversickanymore. you really, really helped me today. <3
 
I'm struggling, not gonna lie. But I want a better life. I believe the supplements I've mentioned above that I'm taking (and have been for a week) are helping. Shit sucks but you gotta go through some pain for all that "pleasure" of getting high. That's what is going to make you never wanna go back. I got comfortable, thought I had it beat and could keep my shit together. But here I am, addicted, suicidal, losing everything I need in my life and the only way to make it better is to stop. Prepare yourself, start those supplements, taper off, get your mind right.. you have to really really want to quit to go through the suffering. and it will end. it will end.. that's what i tell myself anyway. Good luck and I wish you all the success and happiness in the world. <3
 
Don't even think about it beez<3<3.. it get better quick and it gets good in no time.. If your thinking slips into yesterday then you will be hit with guilt, shame, remorse, anger.. I f you slip into tomorrow then you will get hit with fear, anxiety, self doubt, hopelessness.. you need to just stay in today and just do the next right thing as choices present themselves.

A simple little thing that has made an amazing life altering change for me.. Is I no longer judge any thing as bad.. Like you say "it would probably be a good day if I let it happen." Things aren't bad until we say or judge they are.. I know it sounds a little nuts.. but what really is absolutely insane is making ourselves miserable by deciding something is bad or negative or horrible.. we dont have to much of a say in so much of what life throws at us.. but we have all the say in how we percieve what is thrown at us.. we choose how we look at life not what we look at, and the way we choose to view life is the way it is;)

How we experience our life is how we percieve it.. our perceptions are based on our thoughts.. we control our thoughts.. we control our own experience of life.

I just wonder why you are choosing to look at this period in your life as such a bad thing when I would consider to start looking at it for what it is.. the door to a whole new and amazing life.. the most amazing thing about getting almost to the point of suiscide is tha right at the point where we know we could do it.. we realize that we have no longer have anything to loose.. If we dont have anything left we care to loose then we are free. When we realize that we are free then we are free to do what we always wanted to do in the way we always wanted to do it.. and the funny thing is that's what we should have been doing all the time. Your free Beez=D.. you can go do whatever you have always wanted to do.. you are free to make a life that soots you.. all you have to do is stay in today for a little while, keep doing the next right thing. follow and believe in your heart as its the only thing that knows where you need to go and how you need to get there.. learn to enjoy the journey as there is just another path at the end of this one, and another at the end of that one.. we never actually get there, there is no place were we will work towards and suddenly find ourselves at this destination filled with peace and hapiness.. all there is is the journey and that all there ever will be.. If you dont figure out how to be at relative peace today then you will never be at peace cause tomorrow never comes, just a different version of today..


Your doing great.. just keep it real simple.. live in the moment, dont worry about anything, just keep doing the next right thing as a descion is presnted to you, check with your heart to see what the next right descion is, It will work itself out, not everything is rainbows and orgasms, but if you if you stop judging thins as negative bad you just might find that less and less and less bad things are happening in your life.. Gets better quick beez<3


"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" ~ Kris Kristofferson=D

​
 
And fyi, I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO opiates in my house. Got rid of them all and none will be back in my face if I can help it. i do still have a $600 debt to pay off in a week or I will be killed lol. (worst part is I owed 1400 and have over 900 in my safe, fuckers) but fuck it i will get clean and if i gotta get beat up because I was robbed then so be it. but i didn't let myself down or my doggy. i am SOOO done and i fucking got this. Tomorrow is day 3 and I'm gonna be so happy to report back that I'm opiate free. Eat shit haters. :) much love to the rest <3
 
Your doing great....stay strong and keep your chin up. Don't let anyone or anything make you use...
You can and will do this.
Im looking into stopping soon, and have made a job change, I too am stuck behind a desk for 12 hours a day. It's freaking hard, cause I'm taking just the bare minimum and my legs are twitching, moods everywhere. I know people know that something's going on with me, they just can't figure out what. I run to the bathroom like twenty times a day, can't sit still, it's a bitch. I too have hid it from everyone, and have found so much support from the people here.
Just keep doing what your doing.... I'd love to say you've almost got it beat but your smart enough to know that this is a lifetime battle. Concentrate on one minute at a time, don't worry about tomorrow.

Your in my thoughts, stay strong :)
 
Thank you! Day 3, so far so good. I've been using a little bit of xanax for the RLS at night and shit tons of supplements which I really think are helping. I feel happy today (been a LONG time). I think the 5htp is helping. I really want it. I never want to be controlled by a stupid blue pill ever again. Fuckin hate em. I did take 2mg (maybe less) of sub 3 days ago and haven't taken anything but supplements and smoke a fat bowl here and there. lol. Little wine helps too. But today I am sober and that is all that matters. :D
 
One thing is weird about me, even when I was a heroin addict I never really get the "runs" or stomach problems. Ever. But I wonder if that's because even when I'm a raging addict I still eat healthy and exercise... (when I'm high of course, lol) But it seems to be such a problem for people and I never get that. Mainly RLS, skin-crawling, hot/cold flashes.. HATE it. RLS is the worst bitch ever. But so far I've gotten pretty good sleep.
 
I used subs to kick my pain pill habit. I had been taking opana & diladid v8s and I ran out and started to kick. Luckily my neighbor at the time had a bunch of sub strips...I got a few 8 mg ones and cut them into four pieces. Less is ALWAYS best with sub strips. It really helped a lot. I didnt get addicted to the strips....but I've heard horror stories about that also. Best of luck, it's a really hard demon to conquer...and one that seems to keep popping back up in my life.
 
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