The most important thing I did in my recovery from harmful patterns of opioid use was admitting and coming to terms with the fact I LOVE opioids. They fascinate me. They have helped me probably more than any other substance while making my way through young adulthood.
Of course, their use also caused me a lot of harm, although this has been much more due to how my culture stigmatized opioid used, particularly if they're injection drug users like myself, than any direct consequences to my own health. But, when opioid user are so demonized as they tend to be in America and many other parts of the world, it only does to much good to be able to distinguish between the harm my own used has directly cause me and the much more significant harms how my culture has treated me due to my use. It's important to be able to make that distinction, but it only takes one so far.
But the point I'm trying to make is that, while use of them has caused me harm, opioid use has also benefited me very positively in a number of ways (for one, it helped me come out of my shell and manage social phobia, until I learned healthier ways of doing so). Like anything in life, they can help us and hurt us, depending on how we use them. The thing is, when their use is so stigmatized, it's very challenging them to continue using them long term in healthy ways and maintain healthy habits in other areas of life. Not impossible, but their use comes with a LOT of baggage in such a climate.
I can see you too love opioids. There is nothing inherently bad or wrong with this. Shit, it's hard not to love them in my opinion. But you also want to keep moving on with your life, and as I was saying it's hard to do that while continue using them. When we rely on opioids to regulate our moods, it is difficult to develop other habits that can do so in healthier, safer, less socially damaging ways. Plus not having to take a pill or have a shot to feel good is a truly, truly beautiful and liberating thing.
You've got a great head on your shoulder Sun, I have a feeling you'll be able to accomplish your goals in terms of opioid use/non-use. Loving opioids doesn't mean having to use opioids. Accepting we love opioids is a big step in gaining freedom from our over-reliance on them in taking care of our emotional and physical wellbeing. At least it was the first big step in my process of moving on.
