Im fucking stupid, couln't cope anymore with the fucking pain and gave in. Had to battle with my husband and at the end I won...No good, not good at all. Im in hell. Please dont leave me alone. No one around me knows and they would'nt understand anything. Its so hard, so fucking hard. And its all my fault. I knew deep down when I was first prescribed Fentanyl and oxy that I was not going to be able to control myself due to past experiences with H. They only thing Im proud is that I didnt go back of shooting up...fuck fuck fuck, stupid fucking women. Its very hard. You all know it. Thanks again for all of your help...
Please try not to beat yourself up too much. Yeah, perhaps you failed according to the previous goals you had, but this isn't such a horrible thing. Failure presents us with the greatest opportunities in life generally. Use your lapse here to fine tune you strategy for maintaining abstinence from harmful opioid use in light of your experience slipping up. This is a great time to do some good old fashioned learning.
Perhaps you were a bit too hard on yourself with the goals surrounding your detox. Perhaps a taper would work better for you rather than just having your partner hold on to all your meds (I mean, generally speaking keeping stuff around like that, even if held by a loved one, when we try to kick and achieve abstinence doesn't tend to work; eventually we'll have such a shitty day or be in so much pain and discomfort from life is not the detox that we'll end up doing what is necessary to regain access to our stash).
Perfection is the near enemy of recovery, so what I was getting to asking you questions about your goals in early recovery, in getting off oxycodone, was so that I could more effectively where you were at in the process of realistically assessing your situation. Generally, in early recovery we go into it with the rather adversarial mindset of "it's all or nothing, I should be able to do this this particular way," etc etc.
Maybe this will make more sense: What do you want to achieve in recovery that your opioid use is preventing you from having already achieved? Have a closer, healthier relationship with your children and husband, achieve the career you really want, improve your personal health and wellbeing, etc etc? What your priority in desire for a better life?
Setting goals is one of the single most important skills we need to learn in recovery. Unrealistic goals generally are next to impossible to achieve; they set us up for failure and when we do fall it is all the harder to pick ourselves up because we feel defeated as we couldn't accomplish what we wanted - even if what we wanted was never a realistic goal to begin with.
That said, no one is able to wake up one day and pull realistic goals that take into consideration both where they want to get AND where they are currently at in recovery. Goal setting is a learned skill, it takes practice, help from others brainstorming and, generally speaking, a few failures before we figure start getting the hang of distinguishing what we want from how to get there.
It just takes time and effort to cultivate a more balanced mindstate that can also effectively comprehend and made sense of your suffering in the broader context of your life and all life.