Need Help - Sex After Rape?

[5ee5aw]

Hi,

This is my first bluelight post. I've been worrying about this often as it's something I've never ever discussed. I'm not sure how to go about the problem - or if it even is a problem - but here goes.
When I was eight, I was raped, and that's pretty much all I'm going to say on the matter. However, I only told my boyfriend of one year this. He is the first and only person to know. He was very supportive in the matter. I am seventeen.
After a year, we still have not had sex, and he does not pressurise me. It's very difficult for me. Being held by him feels like the greatest feeling in the world, but it also hurts so much I struggle. I don't wan to deny him anything. He always asks for permission before we kiss or even touch, and I don't feel like I can carry on doing that to him. Intimacy is not something we see as an important factor, I'll admit to that: but it feels like eventually we need to try it. I am just so scared of breaking down or making him feel to blame. There have been cases where he's tried to gently start some intimacy and I've started crying, which has made him cry, too. I can't stand hurting him, it shatters me.
We do talk about having sex, and I admitted to be terrified, and he reassures me, says we don't ever have to have it, but it seems ridiculous.
I just want to make love to the person I love without flashbacks or panic attacks and prior stomach-churning anxiety, that's all I ask for. It's driving me crazy.
Any help?
Anything?

Thank you.

 

[llama112]

Honestly, I think it's more than people in SLR can help you with. I think you need to talk to a therapist to get over these issues.
Best of luck

 

[-=SS=-]

My ex was raped at 16, two years before we met. She also came out of an abusive relationship with someone her own age, who she was dating when the raped happened, who did nothing to help and basically tried to "re-brand" her. So she was in a right state when we got together. My first sexual partner too..

She was able to want and have sex at first, but it soon became obvious there was a problem to me. It was basically a combination of real lust plus a response conditioned into her by her ex (it was her duty to please and not be pleased). She couldn't orgasm (letting go) and would have flashbacks. Seeing her have flashbacks during sex was really painful for me, and sometimes she would start to thrash out at me as if I were the guy who raped her.

If your bf is willing to stand by you and see you through this, then my personal opinion is take the opportunity. A therapist could be useful but having someone you really trust and can be naked with, both physically and emotionally, is far more valuable in the healing process IMHO. One of the greatest gifts I gave to my ex was early on in our relationship when we were lying naked and I made her recount the story as accurately and deeply as she could. It made my cry. It makes me tear up just thinking about it now. But it was a major help to her in her healing process, to know someone cared and shared her pain.

"I can't stand hurting him, it shatters me." - Crying in front of him and sharing the pain will not hurt him. It may upset him, but like me I could never feel the pain of my ex's memory (thank god). That is yours alone. Don't use that as an excuse to not be emotionally open with him. If you trust him and he supports you then BE open with him, share that emotional stuff that's inside.. let it out. You have someone who can hold you physically and comfort you, that will help far more in the processing of the memory than a professional sitting in a chair who can't get involved with you. The experts may disagree with that.. but physical presence and trust goes a long, long way in healing IMHO.


You may well have flashbacks or anxiety when you start to be sexual. That's something you have to just work through. You will replace it with a new physically and emotionally positive based neural pattern, but it takes time and trust in yourself that you will come out the other side. And you will. That was the hardest thing for me and my ex, convincing her she would be alright and heal. Part of the trauma of rape puts you in a self depreciating spiral.. you have to trust you will be alright again.. as opposed to fearing it all and going nowhere. It's like giving up smoking.. people place great faith in the power of nicotine.. and thus make it far more powerful than it really is. Rape is a horrible thing but it's not a life sentence.. you can move past it


Unfortunately for me I healed my ex.. and then just as we were getting good sexually she decided to cheat on me. I can't tell you how much that broke my heart after everything I did for her. If you partner helps you through this don't ever do that to him, please.

EDIT: Forgot, when you start to get sexual there's nothing wrong with stopping. That really helped my ex, that when she began to slip out of the moment and into a flashback and asked to stop, I stopped, made no big deal of it, and comforted her. That helped to boost her confidence and trust, and re-establish the basic dynamic of sex in the sense that if she wasn't enjoying it she could stop it at any time if she asked (as opposed to being forced to continue).

 

[pentouch]

Wow cheated on you ,really??? Oh god,that is so wrong,man..but this just shows how its easy deal,once you snap out of it....

 

[421]

You will have to forgive the perpetrator. Please understand that doesn't mean condoning or excusing his actions.

It won't be easy and it won't be something you do once and then are done with, rather an ongoing battle. But hating him is like you drinking poison and hoping he dies.

 

[Stealinwheels]

Honestly, I think it's more than people in SLR can help you with. I think you need to talk to a therapist to get over these issues.
Best of luck

 

[5ee5aw]

421: I'm a person who doesn't believe in revenge and hates nobody. It sounds ridiculous but I'm not mad at him. I deserved it, after all.

SS: thank you for that, that was very insightful, and my apologies for what you had to go through. I wouldn't dream of doing that.

 

[Shadowsblaze]

Such a young age to have to deal with that Im so sorry for you. My sister was raped by five black men when she was 20, she died 4 years later never getting over it. In a drug program where she were not allowed to get close to boys, a boy and her left one night. According to him they had a argument and she left him that night to be hit by a car. Do what you can, see who you must, but avoid drugs at this point in time because I think it wasn't the answer for my little sister

 

[5ee5aw]

Thank you, shadow.

 

[Shadowsblaze]

Didn't want to bring you down girl just open your eyes. Thanks for the thanks. Peace.

 

[421]

421: I'm a person who doesn't believe in revenge and hates nobody. It sounds ridiculous but I'm not mad at him.

That doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Some people might think that but that's just because... you are a better person than most.

I deserved it, after all.

Now that is ridiculous. Sure there's some cases of rape where the victim has to take some ownership (even though that never excuses the crime). Like going into some strange man's house to get drunk or something like that. But come on now. You were eight years old. A small child. If there's anyone who needs to take ownership it's the people who were supposed to protect you at such a young age; your parents. And it's them that you need to forgive for letting you down like this.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Honestly, I think it's more than people in SLR can help you with. I think you need to talk to a therapist to get over these issues.
Best of luck

agreed- you need counselling cos at the moment all that bad shit is repressed and you wont be able to move on until you become more open about it in an environment that can help you. also not all counsellors are great so if you dont gel with one, dont be put off.

 

[421]

agreed- you need counselling cos at the moment all that bad shit is repressed and you wont be able to move on until you become more open about it in an environment that can help you. also not all counsellors are great so if you dont gel with one, dont be put off.

Agreed 100%. However, you should give them a fair chance. Being able to move on won't be easy, but it's easy to run away and blame it on a "bad counselor".

 

[Hear Me Roar]

As others have said, it be may be worth seeing a counselor/psychologist/therapist. We have a habit of unknowing suppressing our feelings, to in essence protect ourselves from the distress they may cause. Even though you understand what has happened and may feel negative emotions towards it, you will most likely still have a lot locked away. Seeing a counselor/psychologist/therapist will give you a chance to talk about what happened in a safe environment and work on getting any hurdles you are currently stuck behind. As others have said, don't base your perception of counseling based on the first professional you meet. Talking therapy has only be shown to work, when the patient and counselor has some form of base connection. So don't be shy at asking for a new Professional if you don't feel you can communicate and feel comfortable talking to one you're referred to.

It's good to hear your partner is willing to wait and is showing compassion towards the situation. In my opinion, you shouldn't feel bad, from what you've said he's made the ultimate decision to support you not matter whether there is sexual contact or not. Just feel comfortable in knowing that he's made said decision and is sticking by you.

The only real option really, is to face your demons so to speak. I doubt it will be easy at first, but everything given time will hopefully get better.

Aside from that, all you can really do is try, take baby steps.

 

[DarrylC1]

Aside from that, all you can really do is try, take baby steps.

This is so true, take baby steps. I admire your partner being there by your side. Be strong for him. Visit a therapist I know they can help you as well. Good luck.

 

[llama112]

I deserved it, after all.

You did NOT deserve it.