Need help moving on through a "breakup" with someone I never actually dated

[Chziime]

I'll make this as simple as possible. So, in July I met a girl in Princeton randomly in the streets. I was on DXM and kratom and did not care at all. Now, I am 23 years old, and have had substance problems since around 19 years... however, three days ago was the last time I took kratom (more on that later) and I quit weed and alcohol for good months back (before I met this girl). So, a couple weeks later I'm in Atlantic City, not interested in the glitz and glamour and sociability with my friends, so I just take shrooms and walk on the beach, texting her as I have been. We met up a couple weeks later, and I was sure that I was feeling something stronger than ever. I have been in one relationship before, but it was during my usage/depression/anxiety, so I didn't feel a pure energy. With this younger girl, who I saw for a month and a half, for once in my life, I felt like everything was right. It was literally probably the happiest I was in my entire life. We both had our doubts about maintaining and moving onward, but I myself knew that it was 100% worth it, and, even though she heard words against the situation by her parents, she listened to her feelings. However, she knew it couldn't go too far, and we had a month of not talking, her idea, to take time off. I tried so hard to justify everything.

Soon, by my request, we ended up hanging out a few times again, and I was glad because I thought things would go back to how they were. However, she is just an admittedly wishy-washy person who believes she cannot be in a relationship, even though she cares so much for me. I tried taking a week-long vacation to the mid-west last week, but I thought about her a lot. I went to her place straight from my 9-hour drive home, and finally (only did this through text and the phone) I told her I loved her to her face. We both got very emotional in my car, and she went home.

Now, I continue to feel like my life is meaningless without her. I can still be her friend, and we can still talk, as she cares greatly for me, but I cannot bear it. I quit kratom 3 days ago, so I am now finally completely sober (minus a simple klonopin taper), and I have a lot of "things going for me" in life (I'm a filmmaker, freelance videographer/editor, weight-lifter/biker, future musician), but everything just makes me feel wrong and uncomfortable, both in terms of "success" and friendship (I have close friends, including this girl), without the ability to be as close to her as I'd like. It makes me feel sick to move on, because I have no interest in most people. No one will ever compare, and I can't even get myself to meet new people. I keep feeling like this is the best person I will ever meet, the only person EVER I have felt a true connection to, to whom my words and thoughts had meaning without the need for drugs or justification. It started truly irrational, as everything good does, and now it's all a mess. Ideally, I would like to wait for her to mature. Or maybe I have to? I basically told myself I would never give up. It's harder because I KNOW something is there, on her side as well, though a relationship cannot be.

Sorry for the dryness of this post, I'm trying not to let it get to me and am in a rush, but still would like responses and discussion. I feel like I KNOW a lot of things that people would say (learn from it/her, you've broken up before and it will happen again), and I also practice vipassana meditation and study readings by Maharaj and those of active nihilism, but nothing seems to make sense.

I also feel like I can only find meaning in the world and be able to love other things THROUGH my feelings for her... so if I cut her out, which I'll never be (I still also love my ex-gf from 1.5 years ago), I'll be incredibly empty. And man, once again, I'm 3 days off of a kratom binge, and St Johns Wort makes me hypomanic... sorry for the long post!

 

[Scarab of the East]

There is something to be said for leaving a relationship on good terms with someone you really like. I have done this with a few women and I feel that to this day, they respect me and potentially could end up becoming a serious partner. I think the key is to let it go-- show her that you can let it go on good terms and you'll be in the perfect position to perhaps rekindle something down the line.

 

[Pagey]

I completely understand why you might feel this girl was the only one for you, and no one will ever compare, but it's important to realize that well, you don't know that! You're young, I don't at all doubt the intensity of your feelings but there's no saying they won't leave you some day. In fact there's more evidence to support that they will than the contrary. It can take a very long time to get over breakups or 'rejections' like what you went through. You mentioned still being in love with your ex from a year and a half ago - that really isn't a sign you will be forever! Depending on the relationship many people take years to feel good about it again. I'm still completely in love with my abusive ex from about 9 months ago and I think it'll still take some time but oh well.
I think it would be good to get some time away from her. I know you're not going to want to, at all, but in the long run I honestly believe it'll spare you a lot of pain. Feelings just disappear quicker when we don't see the person.

 

[T. Calderone]

It's hard going through the hypomanic shit, on top of an iffy relationship. I've struggled as well. If she is telling you that she's unsure you have to leave it at that. I know you feel like she is the only one for you right now. But like Pagey said, take a break from her and this will give you both time to sort out your feelings. I've been struggling not to call this person, even if I have to break my hand from doing it. I know it's best to leave it alone.

 

[Tude]

If I were you, I'd try to find all the negatives about her. Show yourself reasons why it wouldn't have worked out. This is a way of retraining yourself to have different feelings about her. If you see her in a different light, you'll get over her in no time. Make yourself realize how fucking AWESOME you are and how stupid she is for not seeing that.