need help (family life )

[smackcraft]

i just need someone to talk to some advice or something , i will download ~MSN if someone thinks they can help or talk with me about this ... or leave it open here for more advice than one person i dunno ive never felt the way i do just now ..its like numb but sad too

I was talking to my mum about BNB and BL and i said that i sometimes managed to help give people good advice and stopped people from trying things like heroin

I thought she would of been proud that i tried to help someone and that i DID help someone etc etc and instead she got angry at me for being on sites like this , she knew already but i was trying to explain that we try help etc

i got met with

why have i not moved out yet ?

the reason is ive been trying to rebuild our family that has been fucked for 15 years , ive been trying by helping around the house, talking about doing the garden planting seeds which before she would of been interested to do , ive been dealing with my debts in front of her trying to show that i am trying to be good and change but still it lead to

no i dont like you , when are you leaving why are u still here, once u have moved out we can see each other now and again it will be better

i said why would i want to see someone who hates me now and again once i move out (i am ADHD and was crazy as a kid so i think she has probably felt this way since i was a kid just wanting the crazy bad child out of her life by now )

I told her i thought about family counciling but it would prob be pointless hoping for a reply of " maybe it would " but nothing

i had actually asked her if she hated me and she said she hates the way i am so said so yes u are admitting to it u hate me , she replied she recalls a day i said ur not my mother i hate u which is true because i was in the bathroom with blood pouring out both my ears and not once did she get up or ask if i was ok , she only moaned the next day that she was kept up by me being on to nhs 24 ... of course im going to wonder why mum who is sposed to care for me did not show any care at all towards me , ok things had been bad but still you would be bloody worried if u saw someone with blood pouring out their ears

im now starting to understand why the love i found from my ex that i know was full real 100% true love was so special and why i am starting to miss it again .... in my family there is no hugs or anything like that... im truly lost and in a place ive never understood or felt before , my dad has been helpful .

She already left this month and came back because my dad talked to her telling her i would be gone in a week but i dont think he truly wants me gone because he knows whats going to happen when i do go in this kind of circumstances because i will be alone every day , my mum and dad are the only 2 people i really see each day and looked forward to supper time so i could have them to talk to but now i feel even more alone than before , i lost all my half decent m8's the rest are drugs ... i have one friend but he has his GF and is alot younger than me , he is just out of hospital and cant drink any more , i dont want to impose on him and i dont want a hostel, there is no way i could do that, i have been spoiled too much .

I didnt ask for my life to lead me to where i am , i thought id have kids, house, job, married etc by this age but its just one big mess

IM sad lonely and i just want it to be over with, who wants a life with a mum who hates u , u have no real friends, rumors are all over the place u live about you that even a GF from another country all together heard it and started going on about it .

i really wish i was never born ='('''''

i dont know what i want from this post just something , anything im so damn sad and even my meth aint blocking the sadness or tears

 

[nomy]

You're having a tough time of it smack, no doubt about that. I won't pretend to be any counselor, and so I can't advice you bud.

All I can offer is a little personal experience. I too had a fucked up life when I was younger. I was 16 when I left home, well, kicked out. Step Dad used to kick the shit out of me, and Mum couldn't give a fuck. I was alone on the streets from then on until I decided...for me and no fucker else... that I would turn my own life around. I did it too. I educated myself, I learned the guitar from living in a commune I ended up in, and after two years I blagged myself a career on IT, and gigging at the weekends too. My whole life turned 180 not because of my family, but because I decided to make a go of it for myself. As it turns out, I gained respect from my family anyway, and they wanted to make amends.

Short of it is....sometimes we need to grasp things by the balls to force a change. But whatever you do, do it for yourself. That way we gain self respect which feeds through to so many aspects of our lives. Without self respect, we're fucked.

Besides mate, get printing those pictures man. They are superb. You have a ready made business selling those at festivals and online I swear it

Take it easy mate, and you're far from alone in feeling alone. We're all lonely to a greater or lesser extent

 

[smackcraft]

wow man nomy that would earn you respect , its strange people that are in ur situation sometimes turn out the better of alot people and from what u say there u certainly did

My problem is i was spoiled rotten up untill recently , knew so many people , had everything and was even t-total for roughly 2 years BUT it was never ever done all by just my self , i always had people around me, a very much in love girlfriend , a job and my mum would even give us her car because we lived very far from the city together , she would lend us money etc to help[ us out but now i can only see that it was cos she was glad i was finally not living back at home and even my EX said that, your mum is doing all this to try keep us together when things went bad so i wouldnt come home again and the crazy thing is its true , she always says when we split up and i came home it was only sposed to be for a very short time and that i shouldnt be here anymore . So she was happy to give us anything and everything while i wasnt there but as soon as im back she doesnt want to help me or anything any more .


i cant believe this is my mum who is sposed to be the person in the world that cares the most and be there for u more than anyone no matter what

 

[breakcorefiend]

you know man, i was in a similiar situation until a few years back, i had it so comfortable i didnt even realise, then my family lost their business and we went bankrupt and had to leave the country to move in with family, during this time my family disintegrated and i started getting into alot of trouble with drugs, polish amphet and benzos and booze being the main offenders, my saving grace was meeting my gf and moving away..in fact out of the country and to the uk once again, i know its hard but i really think now that your art is picking up you should get yourself on the register for a council place and try get out of your families space 24/7, hard i know when your living under the same roof, but trust me distance makes the heart grow fonder, i was ready to put a knife into my dad by the time i left and just last week they came over to stay in my flat and it was the nicest time i had spent with them since before anything had happened, i would suggest getting space between you as your mum is just venting and as painful as it is to listen she isnt trying to be nasty, just probably running out of ways to motivate you, im sorry if this comes across badly im just giving my personal experience on the topic, hope all works out for you dude, youve had a rough time by the sounds of it and need a nice stroke of luck, ya never know, could be just round the corner

by the way i dont mean to sound preachy in the slightest and no i aint a Councellor or owt, just wanna help

 

[smackcraft]

i said that to her today thats she is just venting the same as i am and it will help calm us in the end but she says otherwise ,she says no YOU as in me smackcraft are venting im boiling up more and more so unfortunately i have not even seen her at full explosion yet, so while my anger is lowering and my emotions that have sucked up all are leaving me feeling sad she still has lots of anger building and one day im going to be probably at my lowest and not ready for it and she will BOOM and who knows where that is going to leave things but i know im going to be the one on the side that ends up worse ... she is on the ownership of the house with my dad which i hate cos she cheated on him 11 years ago and who did she go to ? me an 19 year old kid , wtf am i sposed to say or do, she should of never done that to my dad or to my self , my dad has done so much for us all and she does that then me who has been cheated on has his own mother tell him that his own mother has done this to his dad who gave us everything from holidays every year, cars lovely house and almost died of a heart attack at 40 ffs ... stupidly i brought this up in one of our arguments but its been bothering me ever since i actually began to have a brain and think about other things than drugs

 

[Mental Kenny]

Good luck to you man, it sounds like a bad situation, feel free to PM me if you need to talk to or exchange ideas with somebody.

If I remember correctly you're in your thirties right? I think you should set some goals for your life, this has helped me in the past, for instance try setting some goals and giving yourself deadlines to meet them, like give yourself six weeks to find a job, anything that could pay your rent. Work hard on it and as soon as you get your second paycheck, move out, somewhere affordable.

Then after you've put some distance between yourself and your mother, try to rebuild the relationship, as adults, trust me it will be much easier once you've left the nest, you can't solve problems with your folks while living under the same roof, you need to become independent, then you can face her and work all the issues out.

 

[breakcorefiend]

i can get your point completely dude, families are hard work, no denying that, i agree, landing a 19yr old with that must of been a nightmare and i bet its changed the way you see her but think, life is precious as we all know by BnBs departing, as hard as it sounds dont rise to her kicking off at you, it will just show her that you are willing to communicate in a reasonable manner rather then a shouting match, next time she starts up just calmly say i cant take more of this, if you want to talk then talk, dont shout and hopefully that will make her realise that she is being overdramatic and she 'might' take a step back, this is all theory though but i hope everything works out and you can build a stable family relationship with them, tis horrible to leave on bad terms knowing if things fuck up your on your own..but in hindsight having that thought in my head stopped me relying on others and made me need to do things to sort myself out, hope im being of help dude

 

[smackcraft]

thanks any advice in this horrid situation is great thanks guys .

Well thank fuck i have something to add to the snoooo thread out of all this madness if u wanna have a peak

 

[angelsmoke]

Also not a counsellor, but I'll throw in my two cents for a different viewpoint in case it helps.

That's a great snoo!! Glad to hear it. So there's a good thing. Getting paid for your art is also a good thing. It's good to try to focus on the good things...

As for your mum, well, definitely I second what people have said about being together 24/7 could just be rubbing her up the wrong way. I do know people who have managed to rebuild a relationship with their parents only after getting some distance.

On the flipside, her treating you badly is not automatically your fault. In the movies it always works out that a parent being a cunt is them doing it for the greater good. In life it's not like that -- some parents are just shite, and their actions are inexcusable. That might not be the case here, but I dunno -- the things you say she said.... are uncaring and cruel. Telling you at 19 that she cheated on your dad isn't exactly an act of love or care either. Don't assume that because she doesn't treat you with love means you're unlovable, it could well be her problem not yours.

I know you're having a rough time and there are ongoing problems, but I would say that today and for a while you're allowed to be really really sad, your friend just died, is it possible that that's just dragged the whole tone of the world down into the gutter? take care.

 

[nomy]

Here's me bleating on about how you should get to work making money out of your art. Looks like it's all in hand.

Good luck mate.

 

[monstanoodle]

I wish I could do something that would help loads SmackCraft but I'm only just keeping my head above water at the moment and I've learned through experience, even though it feels selfish, that I really shouldn't try get too involved with other's problems when I'm this fragile I end up having a breakdown of sorts if I get too close too...

What I will say though is that I know how it can fuck you up when you've got a parent that's pretty much mentally abusing you - I don't want to lable it as that but there's no other way I can describe it really, other than (for me) her taking her pain out onto me:
She projects her pain outward, I keep mine internal
So yea, I understand how tough it can be. And I really respect what you're doing in trying to keep your family together ♥ Can't be easy.

Also, I'll say to try remember to count your blessings, like with your artwork Which is fuckin brilliant by the by ^_^~♥

I hope things pick up mate. Take good care of yerself and remember you've people here who are there for you.

 

[smackcraft]

thanks angelsmoke its true , when she first told me that about cheating i was 19 and more interested in my friends and E's but of course wanted to beat the shit out of the guy who convieniantly fucked off to australia after it happened ... i have my doubts and i just thought to my self wtf why is she telling me this and i went out and done my usual got a bunch of E's with my mates, it wasnt until the past few years i started to see how much my dad has done for us how much i have treated him like shit yet he supported me all the way through heroin spending HIS hard cash to keep me out of WD so i could work and not lose my job then him spending £4000 for just a detox at rehab for me to get clean and i get back and end up using again ,if there is anyone in this that deserves a better life than me,my mum and my sister its him and ive said that to him, " if i was you i would of been out of here by now " and i thanked him and told him that even i find it hard to show my real emotions in front of the family that i really do appreciate everything that he has done for us and i think he has started to realize that i do really see him as a hero in all this shit cos if it was me i would of walked a long time ago and if he did me personally i would be fucked !!!

There was one morning he left the house at 5am (normal starting time 9am) both me and my mum were like eh ? his fone was off and no trace of him at the office ... W e were both thinking the exact same thing that day and we both know it but neither of us said it .... i was so damn glad when i saw him walk through that door at night for supper .... my mum doesnt deserve him and neither do i but im damn glad he stayed !

and yeah this is a very sad time for me for many reasons BNB passing, the stuff here at home and the worst of all my sis is ready to pop 2 days before my EX who i am still not over after 3 years and i know exactly whats going to happen on that day and thats not fair if it does but at the same time my birthday is my ex's dads day he died so how more fucking ironic can you get than that if it happens .

I never took any methadone yesterday to let the real emotions of BNB passing flow through me but today fuck ive been up to 60ml and still the tears are flowing , all i need now is for that snooo to happen because if it doesnt im going to break in to a million pieces and i dunno what i will do but lets hope for the good thing to come and let me have this one thing just this one thing to help me out a bit

thanks

EDIT : i was ninjad lol

thanks nomy and thanks monsta and dude you are doing well with ur music i believe so i hope u are in a happy place just now

Nomy thos festivles will be my last resort man if all else fails your going to see me with one of them beer hats with pipes instead pumping opium in to me as i sell my pictures lol

thanks guys

 

[monstanoodle]

You're crying because you need to mate Letting it out is going to be good for you so let it flow
(((((((((((((( SmackCraft ))))))))))))))

Thankyou for your comment about the music I'm having a bit of a rollercoaster right now so the reality of it sort of comes and goes in waves. Anyway! This thread is not about me so I'm gunna shush about that

Much love mate

 

[smackcraft]

thanks to everyone in this thread i have really needed people to talk to today , thank god BL was here or i think i would of broke down big time, i mean i have broke down but whats beyond that im not sure .. it wouldnt of been quite rock bottom yet, that would be me on the side of the street but mentally oh boy with out you guys/gals id of been mentally screwed so thanks all

and yeah monsta i aint a man afraid to let the tears flow,fuck id be a balloon if i didnt .. hmmm i still am but thats from eating too much shit .. what happened to that diet thread of mine lol

Much love to u too monsta and to everyone here on BL its been a harsh come back for some of us so im going to leave you with this for the evening as i go to sleepand hopefuly wake to a happier day

this is for many reasons and people http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCQTr8ZYdhg

G.night

 

[charlie clean]

As another non-counsellor, it strikes me one of the following must be true.

You make your mother's life a misery, to the extent where she leaves home and presumably the man she loves to get away from whatever you're laying on her.

You're doing the best you can and being a loving son and still she gives you a hard time. She's an unreasonable mother with an underdeveloped or challenged maternal instinct.

Not knowing you, I've no idea which interpretation is right. But, either way, the answer is the same. Leave and find your own place. Look at your family situation a month or three down the line but, till then, let it be. It'll all look very different with a bit of distance between you and your mum and in time you'll each change your opinion of the other. Don't be asking more advice, getting all emotional isn't going to help you, find somewhere else to live. Just do it. Today.

 

[nomy]

this is for many reasons and people http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCQTr8ZYdhg

G.night

Classic emotive tune indeed. Like your taste.

Not knowing you, I've no idea which interpretation is right. But, either way, the answer is the same. Leave and find your own place. Look at your family situation a month or three down the line but, till then, let it be. It'll all look very different with a bit of distance between you and your mum and in time you'll each change your opinion of the other. Don't be asking more advice, getting all emotional isn't going to help you, find somewhere else to live. Just do it. Today.

Frank, perceptive and to the point as usual Charlie. I agree and said as much. But isn't it a sod that words are always more complicated in action.

Hope things are going well for ya today Smackie.

 

[smackcraft]

well ive been away most of the week except for home and sleep as i was painting my uncles fence, shed etc... but i got finished early today came home and blitzed the kitchen cleaner than ever .

My dad said dont mention it to my mum but i was like fuck that im taking credit to show after working at my uncles i helped here at home


And YES IT WORKED !!! ......

My mum came in and i was up stairs and i shouted down no wait , she was like wtf , i was shouting stay where u are i will be there in 2 secs when she she was like where are u like? so i gets down stairs and says " are you ready for the grande tour" when i walked her into the kitchen and switched on all sets of lights and had a big smile on her face and i gave her le tour de la clean kitchen lol and she was well happy with it