need critiquing

[Baker]

Wrote this last night, and i'm trying to improve my writing style, I think it's a bit too suggestive, and these days i've started to suck at free versing I don't think it flows, anyway, please be critical if you want.. otherwise enjoy. Thanks

Left Foot Backwards

Forget these faces and forget time
Visit this place of melancholy that sits in your mind
Leave the tragedy, that leads to revenge
Red and green battlegrounds, alone to defend
Conflicted anatomy, direct from the tongue
Think you’re winning the fight? It’s only just begun
A Fire locked within oneself, illuminating the devils face
murmuring expressions of fear and hate, you better not run
Drop the shadows, or drop your prayers
The devils mark of denial, dance everywhere

This tunnel bleeds darkness
As a sun sets in my ears
floating marshmallows, blue water, vanilla tears
Drifting with peaches, tainted pink, soft and succulent
Flavourful aromas colours the walls atmosphere
Sedate by the chemistry of blue and green storm clouds
Glowing nervously, so ready, so near
Those theories you bind to realities state
Can leave your views of beauty displaced
Don’t touch the red wine
But indulge your foes
Like addictions, like cancer
Hate grows and grows
Laugh with me now in the devils face
Ridiculed by beauty
all you need is a taste

Zigzagging rails cut through white snow
Reminiscing the good times, the highs and the lows
Buried by attachments, slowing the train
Frosted blood stains, leads the destination unknown
Distasteful lust, discoloured by romance
Prepared in a Tibetan kitchen
And flavoured by dance
Feel the devil, touch his soul
escape fear of death
Fear nothing at all.

 

[dilated_pupils]

Before I even finished reading it I noticed something in your writing quite like mine when I first started writing poems. You seem to just try and express yourself using big words and making them rhyme, try doing something such as just writing, read what you wrote and go from there. Sometimes it's easier to make something of your ideas when you see them written down. Just my advice from my experience.

 

[(Wordy)]

There's plenty of material to work with here, I think.

The three stanzas almost seem like three separate poems, although there are links between them. You could easily turn this into several poems, as there are quite a few ideas involved. There are some good lines throughout. The first part of the second stanza is hallucinatory, with some interesting effects.

I think most of all you need to work on the flow, the structure... to build in a stronger sense of narrative or object that connects one line to the next, and one stanza to the next. Also giving the reader more of a sense of place: the tunnel, the snow... the reader is probably asking, "Why are we here, how did we get here?", etc.

Those theories you bind to realities state
Can leave your views of beauty displaced

So true.

 

[Baker]

Thanks for the help, yeah i've tried freeversing and often it feels like the poems that I free verse lack flow... and when i'm writing poems up, it's like I just can't help but match the rhymes that come into my head, during notes to typed conversion.

Need to let ideas percolate some more, and force myself to freeverse.

I'm good at narrating usually, it's just poems feel so wrong when they don't rhyme in my head, like they lack flow..

Anyway, back to the drawing boards