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Need advice on Relationship with recovering addict.

maybe you're right

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-update-on-this

I am completely shattered as a person right now. I havent ate in 2 days, barely slept. I just keep replaying our relationship in my head. It was like a dream come true, something I always secretly want with her for 9 years. Such a long time to build feelings for someone for it to end like this. I told her mother today that I understand everything now, and to let her know that I love her and dont hate her and that Im not angry. Also that I am always here for her if she needs anything. I made her that promise and I dont break promises. I deleted all of our pictures, all of our memories, and deactivated my social networking accounts. I have a few good friends that I think can help me, otherwise I just want to disconnect from everyone else until I get my head right again. Maybe one day we can be friends, but deep deep down as much as it hurts for me to admit, I know I deserve better. Im 22 with 2 vehicles, a 70k/year job, an 11 acre piece of property, money in the bank and in 2 401k's. I worked hard for all of that and I cant let anything get in the way of my goals. Im still completely broken, and drained. Its affecting my performance at work, I have no motivation to work on my property, and I havent ate or slept in 2 days. Never have I been so hurt, disappointed, or betrayed. I literally cried like a baby in the shower tonight. The only thing I can take hope in is that maybe we were brought back together for me to save her life, to give her that first reason to get clean. Ill always pray for her, and I hope shes happy. Thats all I ever wanted her to be.
 
Crying is good. You are grieving the death of a dream you put so much into. It makes sense to feel shattered. Everything has its time and now is the time to grieve. When grief has run its course it will be time to pull yourself up and move on. Take care and do reach out to your friends.
 
herbavore said:
Crying is good. You are grieving the death of a dream you put so much into. It makes sense to feel shattered. Everything has its time and now is the time to grieve. When grief has run its course it will be time to pull yourself up and move on. Take care and do reach out to your friends.
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This right here! ^^^^^If you find yourself thinking about her, take 5 minutes to own it and then let the thought go. I've found in my life, that was the only way to survive until I was stronger. It might not be a physical death, but like Herbavore said its the death of a dream that you had which sometimes can be more difficult to get over, because the person is still alive and out there. I have kids that are your age,my heart hurt for you when I read that she was pregnant. Please continue to reach out as much as you need.
 
a rock and a hard place

Ive been going through so many emotions the past week, its unreal. Im sad because i remember all the good times we had. Those chilly fall nights we would sit on the back deck steps together and just talk, those nights she would fall asleep in my arms watching a movie, all of our random adventures, just having someone to share meals with, how we really understood each other on a deep level. Im angry because of the lies, the manipulation, the broken trust, and the betrayal. Im depressed because I know my vision with her will never come true, that I still believe she wanted, and wants to be with me, but had no other option but to live with her ex when she got kicked out, that she will now have to deal with a child she probably didnt want, an addiction she is not fully recovered from, and possibly feelings of extreme regret for her mistake. Im jelous that we had such a deep emotional connection, but she gave the physical connection to someone else. I wrote her a letter explaining things to her about how i feel and told her I hoped we could at least be friends again. I cannot give up our friendship, no matter what happened. It will take me a while to erase our relationship from my memory, and be 100% comfortable being friends, but I think if we both make a commitment to work on it, it can happen. Right now I feel like that is the best route. I would feel just as bad not speaking to her ever again, as I would being in a relationship with her and dealing with her child. I told her Id always be there for her, and thats a promise I will not break. It might take us a while to reconnect and be friends, but that will be the eventual goal.
I guess im a different person than most. Everyone ive talked to says I should forget her, move on, kick her to the curb. And although I know I deserve better, I cant let her go. I will live in fear that a friend might relapse without my support, or that she may need someone to be there for her one day and I wont be there. Thats just not who I am.
 
Finally some closure.

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-a-rock-and-a-hard-place

So thursday I texted her mom and told her that I will be there at 6 friday and hope that she will come out and talk to me. I sat on the tailgate of my truck and waited until she came out and we had a good conversation. She pretty much told me everything, how her addiction started, all the terrible things shes done to people, and how much I meant to her, both as a friend and as a boyfriend. The day she got kicked out, when i picked her up, she told me she was going to stay with a friend. That friend was actually her ex, who she had dated for 3 or 4 years before me. She lived with him from december of 2015 to may of 2016 when her parents let her move back in. Shes 8 months pregnant and will be due in October, and said she had no idea until she moved back in with her parents. She told me that I deserve a lot better, that she thought I was an amazing person, and that I am still the best friend she has ever had. We had a good civil conversation about the past, present, and future. She told me she knows she screwed up, and that it is a regret that she will have to live with for the rest of her life, but also that she thinks her child is gods way of giving her motivation to stay sober.
I told her that I forgive her for everything, that our 9 years of friendship means more than our short time dating, and that I will always be there for her. But I also said that im very hurt right now, and am not in a good place mentally or emotionally and need some time to find myself again. She understood completely and feels really bad for it. But we both understand that we will always be friends. We will always love each other, and always have that special bond, but this is just gods plan. We agreed that the future is uncertain, we may be together again after a few years, or we may remain best friends, but right now, she has to work out her situation with her ex, and worry about her child, and I have to work on myself before we can ever have a chance of being in a relationship again.
I read a thing online that I related to. It said sometimes in life we meet someone who lights a spark in us that can never die, but the saddest truth is they are not always with whom we spend our lives. Who knows what the future will bring, at this point im leaving it up to god, fate, or whatever higher power there is. I feel better after us having this conversation, I feel content and mellow, and hopeful for both our futures. Im very proud of her, shes going to be a great mother, she has a great attitude about being sober and clean, shes been applying for jobs, and is hoping to go to school. She said she had every intention of her moving back home, us being together again, and everything being okay, but the pregnancy complicated all of that. I wish her the absolute best, and cant wait to see how she turns her life around.
Thank you all for the wise words and support.
 
That's fantastic that you guys were able to talk and remain on positive terms. I wish the best for you - no doubt you will meet a terrific someone - you have a beautiful soul and a lot to offer!
 
Mixed Emotions.

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-Need-advice-on-Relationship-with-recovering-addict/page2


So she had her baby on Oct. 16th. These past two weeks have been full of ups, and a whole lot of downs. Some days im ok, others im really not at all. Ive been trying to get out of the house, and thanks to some good friends, ive been successful at that. I do sleep a lot though, I guess its kinda my drug, my escape from all of this. Its hard to describe how I feel right now. Im happy for her, because now she has motivation. I prayed for god to give her the strength and courage to get past her addiction and the wisdom to learn from her mistakes. Her little girls name is Athena, the greek goddess of strength, courage and wisdom. Now her life probably seems like it has purpose to her. At the same time im somewhat angry. Angry that someone could be so inconsiderate to someone who cares so much for them. Angry that the girl of my dreams, the one Ive wanted for 9 years didnt turn out like I hoped. Angry that even if we do get back together in years to come, I will always be third to her baby, and its father. And Im also jealous. Jealous that Im not the one sharing that connection with her. Jealous that I cant be the one she thanks for giving her something that changed her life. Jealous that the girl I wanted kids with, had one with another man. If theres anything im even remotely happy about, its the thought that hopefully she will be sober from here on out. Her mom told me that she is so amazed by her baby girl. That phrase gives me different emotions. Again the jealousy comes into play, I wish I could be a part of that amazement. But for now im just taking things day by day. Trying to get through this the best I can. I know one thing, I am forever changed by this, in what ways, i dont know yet. But Ill never be the same.
 
swb said:
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-Need-advice-on-Relationship-with-recovering-addict/page2


So she had her baby on Oct. 16th. These past two weeks have been full of ups, and a whole lot of downs. Some days im ok, others im really not at all. Ive been trying to get out of the house, and thanks to some good friends, ive been successful at that. I do sleep a lot though, I guess its kinda my drug, my escape from all of this. Its hard to describe how I feel right now. Im happy for her, because now she has motivation. I prayed for god to give her the strength and courage to get past her addiction and the wisdom to learn from her mistakes. Her little girls name is Athena, the greek goddess of strength, courage and wisdom. Now her life probably seems like it has purpose to her. At the same time im somewhat angry. Angry that someone could be so inconsiderate to someone who cares so much for them. Angry that the girl of my dreams, the one Ive wanted for 9 years didnt turn out like I hoped. Angry that even if we do get back together in years to come, I will always be third to her baby, and its father. And Im also jealous. Jealous that Im not the one sharing that connection with her. Jealous that I cant be the one she thanks for giving her something that changed her life. Jealous that the girl I wanted kids with, had one with another man. If theres anything im even remotely happy about, its the thought that hopefully she will be sober from here on out. Her mom told me that she is so amazed by her baby girl. That phrase gives me different emotions. Again the jealousy comes into play, I wish I could be a part of that amazement. But for now im just taking things day by day. Trying to get through this the best I can. I know one thing, I am forever changed by this, in what ways, i dont know yet. But Ill never be the same.
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Please move dab, she has. This is not healthy for you. Find an ice girl without the baggage of a kid or an addiction. Break ups hurt but over time once you start focusing on other things that pain lessens and then goes away. This girl is a mess and absolute dream, and odds are once motherhood set she in she's going to be overwhelmed and will go back to using. Just get her out of your mind, she is not worth your time.
 
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