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Need advice on Relationship with recovering addict.

S

swb

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Im going to try to make this as short as possible.
A little back story leading up to this point.
I started dating a girl last year, we had been bestfriends for 9 years, i used to take her home after school, etc. We got in an argument senior year and I hadn't seen her until last year when we reconnected and started dating. Everything was great as far as our relationship went, but in hindsight I can now see the signs of heroin addiction. I had no idea until she got kicked out of her house in December. Pretty much I haven't seen her since December 5th, Shes called me a few times, and the last time we talked she told me she loved me, that she always had loved me but feared it would ruin our friendship, and that I was her rock, her reason to be clean, and the best friend she had ever had. She asked me if I thought we had another chance and I told her of course. As long as she is working to turn her life around, I will be here to support her.
So as of right now, she is 8 months clean and sober, has completed a 30 day drug program, she put me on her drug test release to prove shes sober, and is back at home with her parents. I keep in touch with her mother, and I have asked her to give me a call or something cause id love to hear from her. She will relay messages to me through her mother but so far hasn't called me directly. Ive done a lot of research since all this happened and I know shes under a lot of changes, and needs time and space, but I love this girl and dont want to lose her from my life. I want to be there for her to support and encourage her and help her through this.
I guess what Im asking is if anyone can help me understand what might be going through her mind right now, what shes going through, what she might be thinking. I just feel so out of the loop and confused.
 
Is there anything going on that is concerning you right now? What do you feel out of the loop and confused about? It sounds like she is doing pretty well.

You guys sound really young though, so a few words of wisdom:

  • A relationship with an addict is NOT easy; It can be VERY fruitful, but that goes for any good relationship. But at least with an addict or former addict you kinda know what you're getting yourself into from the start, so it may be easier to address the difficulties as soon as they arise as opposed to letting them stagnate in denial or ignorance or something.

  • Adult relationships allow you to truly discover who you are and to grow as an individual. Their essence is really about one thing: Two people helping take care of each other. If one party is not capable of doing this because of behavioral patterns, such as when they are active in their addiction, than the relationship will not support either party to in terms of personal growth or actively living a good life.
 
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http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-Need-advice-on-Relationship-with-recovering-addict

I just feel like maybe she has changed her mind and is losing feelings for me. But another side of me says she is just working on herself right now and trying to be her best before we rekindle the relationship. I just cant keep my mind from racing all the time and one bad thought creates a thousand more. I want to be there for her as much as I can. We are both 22. I have so much more I could write on here but I doubt anyone would be willing to read all of it. Shes trusted me more than anyone and has told me really personal things that have happened, which now I can see is what lead to her addiction. I just really don't want to lose her from my life. I quit going to counseling and NA meetings because they all told me to walk away from her and forget her, I do not want to do that. Had I done that 8 months ago she probably would still be spiraling out of control right now, or even worse. I cant walk away from her, I'm just afraid she might walk away from me, maybe more to save me in her mind. Shes told me before that its not my fight to fight but I wont let her do it alone if I can help it.
 
I'm moving this to sober living for you and will merge it into your thread there.

Keep in mind that if this woman is new to recovery/sobriety she may be taking time to focus on herself right now. Give it some time, and be there for her but don't hover or constantly contact her, or get upset if she does not contact you back immediately. Good luck.
 
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swb said:
http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-Need-advice-on-Relationship-with-recovering-addict

I just feel like maybe she has changed her mind and is losing feelings for me. But another side of me says she is just working on herself right now and trying to be her best before we rekindle the relationship. I just cant keep my mind from racing all the time and one bad thought creates a thousand more. I want to be there for her as much as I can. We are both 22. I have so much more I could write on here but I doubt anyone would be willing to read all of it. Shes trusted me more than anyone and has told me really personal things that have happened, which now I can see is what lead to her addiction. I just really don't want to lose her from my life. I quit going to counseling and NA meetings because they all told me to walk away from her and forget her, I do not want to do that. Had I done that 8 months ago she probably would still be spiraling out of control right now, or even worse. I cant walk away from her, I'm just afraid she might walk away from me, maybe more to save me in her mind. Shes told me before that its not my fight to fight but I wont let her do it alone if I can help it.
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The biggest challenge you'll face now is that you're both young and still growing, especially emotionally. Trust me, I can relate, I'm not far off (I'm 29). The best thing you can do for the relationship is to put as much effort into yourself as possible.

You can't help but love her, I know. That is the intuitive, wondrous part. The challenge will be growing as an individual in the relationship, bettering yourself and setting a good example for her. Focusing on how you can accomplish that, and not trying to change her, is what I suggest.
 
Loving an addict can be a pretty one sided thankless job. Most addicts have underlying mental health issues that drive them to use. In order to get and stay clean, they have to work on those issues, which I suspect your friend may be doing. It can take years to get to a better place. 8 months sobriety is great, but it's still early recovery. No doubt she is going through a huge range of emotions, and is still going through protracted withdrawal syndrome (PAWS) which can last a few years.

In order for her to stay clean she has to focus on herself. It is highly recommended to addicts not to participate in romantic relations for the first year sober, so that could be part of the distance. Early recovery is hard, she may not be emotionally available as its not uncommon to go through a heavy depression and anxiety during this time.

I know you love her but you need to focus on yourself. You did a great thing for her and she got sober, but she probably does not need the stress of a relationship right now. You are young, live your life. It's possible you will be with her in the future, it's possible she hs moved on and doesn't know how to tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you. Either way, live your life.

I dated a recovering addict once and vowed unless they had years sober, I would never make that mistake again, but I was also an addict. When they relapsed here was nothing I could really donto help them to stop, and the situation became very volatile. They resented me for nagging them to get sober, I resented them for the lies. I got tired of finding their substance hiding spaces and poor attitude, and worrying about their health. I ended up relapsing and subsequently getting clean. I also ended up taking care of them until they died, which was painful.

You general have very little control over another person's actions, and even less control over an addict. Don't wait for your friend, there are too many variables. If she wanted to talk to you she would. After this last bout of rehab I went back home to my husband and our relationship has never been stronger. Your friend is not talking to you directly, which is not a good sign. Go live your life, don't wait for her. I am sorry if this hurts you.
 
You and herby really need to open a therapy clinic ;) such good advice!
 
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Thanks for the advice guys, means alot. I was halfway expecting the normal answer of "just get over it", or "suck it up". No one really understands how hard this situation is.You're right, I do need to work on myself. I have my own anxiety and depression issues I need to get help for that would just be a detriment to our relationship if we were to get back together. I have full confidence that we will be back together eventually, we have too good of a connection that was mutual for both of us. I guess I was just expecting to be more involved in supporting her recovery at this stage. But maybe just letting her know that I am here for her is enough. She doesn't have a phone, and I talk to her mother maybe once a month, just to check in and see how she is. Its a very tough road, mentally and emotionally, but it will be worth it if she is back in my life eventually.
 
I merged your new post into this thread.

Can you write her a letter? You said how she does not have a phone and you talk to her mom once a month.

Yes it's always an excellent idea to focus on yourself and get help for any issues you are having. Good luck.
 
You've got a really good attitude about this swb. The thing about her recovery is that it is just that, it's her recovery. It is a process of her learning how to grow and do the right thing, something that no one but her can come to grips with. It is possible for you to support her, but it isn't something you can do directly. The best kind of support you can give her in her recovery is to step back and let her learn to manage it.

I think priest's idea is really good about the letter. Communication is SO important to any relationship, more so romantically oriented ones. A letter would be a lot easier than talking in person right now I think, so I strongly encourage you to write her a letter expressing how you feel.

And btw, thank you priest for merging these posts! <3
 
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http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336

Yes, I wrote her a letter when I got her a gift for her birthday in june. I got her a pair of shoes she wanted when we was together, but they didn't have them in the color she wanted, and also a little necklace with a shooting star on it, because we seen some the night we first hung out. I wrote her a 2 page letter. The last time I talked to her directly, she called me to thank me for the gifts and said that the letter meant a lot to her. She also said shes had the necklace on since she got it and loved it.

She is very embarrassed over all this. Shes told me that before, so I can see it taking her a while to get the confidence back to be able to see me again. I let her know in my letter that I will never judge her for her mistakes and will always have that unconditional love for her. I also told her that im always here for her day or night, and I want to be there in her life to support and encourage her to be the best she can be.

I sent her a few books last week, because she loves to read. She told her mom to tell me thanks and said it was very sweet of me to send them to her. Just trying to keep her spirits up as much as I can, and keep her from feeling like no one cares.
 
For what it's worth, you sound like a really kind and compassionate person. Plain and simple. I don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been posted, but I just thought you should know that the tone of your posts seem to indicate a big heart :)
 
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http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336

Thank you. I dont know what it is, I just felt like if I walked away that things would get worse for her. I want to help her more than anything, she has so much potential. I feel bad that I walked out of her life in highschool over something so stupid I cant remember what it was. Maybe if I had been there she wouldnt have gotten in with the wrong crowd. But I pray every night for her full recovery and for her to have a happy life, with or without me. If we dont work out, which I really, really hope we do, Ill find my happiness again eventually. She will always have a piece of it though that Ill never get back.
 
Agreed... But do not blame yourself or worry about what could have been. Focus on moving forward in whatever capacity that may be.

Her addiction is not your fault. Period, end of story.
 
Honesty

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336

I do have a question for you guys. This moment may take a while to come, but I know if we get back together we will have a talk with each other. Im going to let her know that she has proven that she is sorry by turning her life around, but I ask that from that point on that she is completely honest with me. I feel like part of that is answering some unanswered questions for me on some questionable actions during our relationship. Things such as who she really spent the night with the 2 or 3 times I picked her up in the morning from a different house each time, when with me she had a midnight curfew. Or who lived in the places that we went to often so she could check in with someone she said was her friend, but wouldnt let me meet. Or who this dude named Brian was, that she said one night wouldnt leave her alone and was sitting on her street trying to get her to come outside. Was she having sex with different dealers for drugs? She had told me she had been raped before, but was that just a way to justify her actions. etc. So many unanswered questions, that I really would probably prefer not to ask or hear the answer, but I feel I have to clear my mind in order for us to move forward. Should I ask these questions before we restart our relationship? You can imagine the mess in my head im sure.
 
update on this

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/800336-Need-advice-on-Relationship-with-recovering-addict


I was just getting to the point where I was halfway accepting our situation and improving my mood and mental well being. She and her parents are on vacation right now and her mom posted a picture that explained a lot of things, but utterly devastated me once again. Shes pregnant.... All the progress ive made in my mental health lately just went completely down the drain. All these hopes and dreams I had for a future with this girl is completely changed. I just dont understand how someone can tell you they love you, that you're the whole reason they're getting clean, get your hopes up over a span of 9 months and sleep with another guy. Of course I dont know the situation but I think it was her ex. I really dont know what to do with myself. I want to be there for her, and be with her, but someone elses kid will really complicate things. I just cant believe this happened.....
 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you have been wonderful to her, and I think she was very lucky to have you in her life, but I think it's time for you to focus on yourself and move on. You deserve much better and she has already strung you along for nine months - you don't deserve drama like this forever, and that is what will happen. She should have told you about the pregnancy but she kept it from you...you found out accidentally from a picture on the Internet. She is not being honest with you, and I think you just need to cut ties with her. It's too much drama - her addiction, her new baby, the baby's daddy, and who knows what else. Enjoy your freedom knowing you did everything you could. Honestly, I think you dodged a bullet and I think in the future you will appreciate that things turned out this way. Keep moving forward and keep your head high! You're a good guy, you'll find someone much better.
 
swb, what a punch to the gut. I am so sorry. This is not about her recovery--this is about who she is. Anyone that would string you along like that without telling you she was pregnant is a very confused person--and that confusion is making her very self-centered and incapable of trust. You do not need to pour your compassion and hopes into such a void. Pick yourself up and let yourself mourn the passing of something you believed in. Try not to let this feed cynicism in you when it comes to relationships. Humans are flawed--every single one of us--but we make up for those flaws with honesty and integrity. Look for a partner that values honesty and trust above all else. You have a lot to offer and I know you will find someone down the road that appreciates that.
 
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