Need advice on how to say goodbye to my oxycodone binges

[sadmachine]

Hi team, if this is in the wrong forum, apologies, feel free to move it

Hi Guys,
This is half vent/half cry for help


Every 1-2 months I buy anywhere from ten to twenty 20mg oxycodone capsules. I've been doing this for 3-4 years. I've always been a binge user, get a box, eat everyday till gone, let 1-2 months of pay build up, rinse repeat.

I know my struggles are far from the worst and thats ok but I jut want to talk to someone about it. I attended a few meetings, I spoke to my best people, I hit up ChatGPT and truthfully I feel a bit ashamed because there are people out there doing it way worse, yet I cannot seem to stop even after I have tried hard too. I do well at work, great job, gym, weeks go by and the thought jokingly pops into my head and within half an hour oxy is in my hannd. Ontop of this, my dose is always similiar, 50mg +50mg before bed. Never taken any other opes or even more than 120mg a day. I almost always use 40-50mg and similiar redose. I took 8 months off and came back and still found I needed 50mg to get high. It's like my tolerance is permanent. Most people start using, use for a long time then quit and be done but my usage isn't consistent and apparently ChatGPT thinks thats why I have been "training" my brain to expect WD's the moment I run out.

ANYWAY - I'm trying to stabilise on cannabis 3x a week for sleep, a light benzo every 2nd friday for meetings and pouring the rest into gym and nutrition. I'm 4 days off my last oxy sheet, 3-6 months last used before that, my finances really dont need the hit and frankly, the oxy's effects have greatly diminishd even after a break.
I suspect i may be right on the verge of letting go of the ox. Usage has become further in between and I have a few mental tools to the fight/deny the urge. I'm super focused on my life and especially now that oxy has lost its magic.

 

[cnnka]

I can’t see a problem ?
Only be cautious with the dosage because if the tolerance is fully reset 50mg can send you.

 

[garygroundwork]

try clonidine when u get tempted

it may help

 

[Zopiclone bandit]

Hi team, if this is in the wrong forum, apologies, feel free to move it

Hi Guys,
This is half vent/half cry for help


Every 1-2 months I buy anywhere from ten to twenty 20mg oxycodone capsules. I've been doing this for 3-4 years. I've always been a binge user, get a box, eat everyday till gone, let 1-2 months of pay build up, rinse repeat.

I know my struggles are far from the worst and thats ok but I jut want to talk to someone about it. I attended a few meetings, I spoke to my best people, I hit up ChatGPT and truthfully I feel a bit ashamed because there are people out there doing it way worse, yet I cannot seem to stop even after I have tried hard too. I do well at work, great job, gym, weeks go by and the thought jokingly pops into my head and within half an hour oxy is in my hannd. Ontop of this, my dose is always similiar, 50mg +50mg before bed. Never taken any other opes or even more than 120mg a day. I almost always use 40-50mg and similiar redose. I took 8 months off and came back and still found I needed 50mg to get high. It's like my tolerance is permanent. Most people start using, use for a long time then quit and be done but my usage isn't consistent and apparently ChatGPT thinks thats why I have been "training" my brain to expect WD's the moment I run out.

ANYWAY - I'm trying to stabilise on cannabis 3x a week for sleep, a light benzo every 2nd friday for meetings and pouring the rest into gym and nutrition. I'm 4 days off my last oxy sheet, 3-6 months last used before that, my finances really dont need the hit and frankly, the oxy's effects have greatly diminishd even after a break.
I suspect i may be right on the verge of letting go of the ox. Usage has become further in between and I have a few mental tools to the fight/deny the urge. I'm super focused on my life and especially now that oxy has lost its magic.

I take it from reading this your only experience with Opiate addiction is with Oxy?
Not that it really matters if it's Oxy, Heroin or Eukadol as it's still an Opiate & will still form a habit.

I'm super focused on my life and especially now that oxy has lost its magic.

The Magic has gone YET you still go back to it, I can relate as I've been on Heroin since 2001, I can smoke a dose that would put my mom on her back & be fine & go seeking even more, this is called addiction.

What can ChatGPT do for you? That is one of the most odd things I've read on here & that is quite an award to have.
I cannot see what you wanna do in this post, you want advice how to quit using? You want to know how sick you gonna be?

Let me keep it simple for you here, no matter WHAT YOU DO you will be sick when kicking, the worst will be PAWS & that is a Promise!!!!!

Keep smoking the weed, IMHO & lived experience that is the best thing you can do, many people say smoking weed when dope sick & trying to kick smack weed makes them even worse, for me it's 100% not the case, when I am dope sick I love to smoke weed, it makes the cramp in my legs go away, I can get more than 2 hours sleep in a night, time seems to run normal & a day doesn't feel like a whole year, it lifts my mood & I don't feel so low I wanna jump off a roof.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

my usage isn't consistent and apparently ChatGPT thinks thats why I have been "training" my brain to expect WD's the moment I run out.

I do like that chatGP remark about usage that is sporadic. Still having diminishing return s although that is conservative wise use imo. A psychological habituation to it inc perceived WDs seem s spot on. Can t be real ones right ?

Can t imagine you can get sick from such dosing schedule. PAWS are sure possible and mentally. Did that same kinda trick with o-DSMT a few times. 300 mg later 600 mg blast through it in a few day s got rapid tolerance forming between took also at least 3 week break s in between. Unlike with Kratom <- Not available probably in Australia correct. Way less fiending vs full agonisme. Still had thought s months after the RC ban about o-DSMT, wishing it would be available.

After accepting it went now i am taking Kratom whole different game. But the principle the same no physical addiction but when the bag starts to get empty the idea to get some creep s in. Same with Alcohol been restricting that use and also trying to taper. To zero, also way less euphoric but the same mechanisms at work. It has a mental sort of hook.

ANYWAY - I'm trying to stabilise on cannabis 3x a week for sleep, a light benzo every 2nd friday for meetings and pouring the rest into gym and nutrition. I'm 4 days off my last oxy sheet, 3-6 months last used before that, my finances really dont need the hit and frankly, the oxy's effects have greatly diminishd even after a break.
I suspect i may be right on the verge of letting go of the ox. Usage has become further in between and I have a few mental tools to the fight/deny the urge. I'm super focused on my life and especially now that oxy has lost its magic.

Seems this is heading the way you want, like @Zoplicone bandit wrote the danger of Opiods not to be underestimated, never was hooked on a full agonist. But it s a dangerous path. Having these available though the price seem s limiting atm for you.

Btw Booze equally dangerous in it s own way. Cannabis or a Benzo once a week seem a more sustainable path. Especially with the live you created with work/ training/ nutrition maybe you got a hobby or something to get some kick s out. That sound s like a good way to 'grow over' a Oxy period. Hard to call a once a month binge a habit. But no experience with Opiods the harder ones so might be bit naively spoken .

Keep it up

 

[Halif2]

Let me keep it simple for you here, no matter WHAT YOU DO you will be sick when kicking, the worst will be PAWS & that is a Promise!!!!!

It sounds like OP has been binge eating oxy for a few days and then taking around two months off before repeating the process, so I don't think they will experience any real withdrawals. They might be experiencing a bit of rebound discomfort after each binge, but they didn't even mention that.

Unless I misread it, it sounds like OP has a more cerebral battle. Actually, I'm slightly confused what OP's issue is.

The way the post starts

This is half vent/half cry for help

and the way it ends

I suspect i may be right on the verge of letting go of the ox. Usage has become further in between and I have a few mental tools to the fight/deny the urge. I'm super focused on my life and especially now that oxy has lost its magic.

is a bit incongruent.

What's the cry for help? It sounds like you have it under control quite nicely. I'm guessing you were experiencing a mental addiction and were using the oxy 'treat' every two months as a kind of motivator or thing to look forward to, and now that you're considering moving away from oxy you're worried about not having the motivator... is that right?

 

[M!$TER-ED]

 

[sadmachine]

is a bit incongruent.

What's the cry for help? It sounds like you have it under control quite nicely. I'm guessing you were experiencing a mental addiction and were using the oxy 'treat' every two months as a kind of motivator or thing to look forward to, and now that you're considering moving away from oxy you're worried about not having the motivator... is that right?

Apologies, original post was messy and directionless. My real issue is that every 3 weeks I spend huge amounts on a drug I no longer enjoy, nor did I ever really enjoy very much. Oxycodone never really responded well to me yet I persisted. These binges leave me very physically and mentally useless for 3-5 days as well as absolutely destroy my bank. Worst of all perhaps is I'm not getting anything remotely worth the dollar im paying out of it. Bad all around, needs to go.

Problem is as follows: 2-3 weeks go by, funds return, feel good, life is in routine and normal, jokingly toy with idea one night, autopilot takes over and 30 mins later they're in my hand. I need to be able to intervene as soon as I become aware of that urge. What really frustrates me is I don't see why this should be so difficult. It would make sense to me if I was getting even a decent high from them, or if I had once had a big daily habit or if they were cheap but this is just madness and I feel like both an idiot and guilty for complaining about my issues when others have problems 1000x as severe as mine. I feel genuinely so close and so ready to be done with this and then when I slip up I feel so ashamed. Then it's a whole week of misery, low funds, not myself, not progressing.

It's impossible to permanently remove access, the only solution I can think of is to develop some way to act on the awareness of the urge and actively reject/deny it. How that is achieved I can only imagine is through honesty to yourself and extreme discipline and maturity. I want to count the days and celebrate them but at the same time i want to forget it was ever a part of my life. I know i've got a huge advantage in that my usage was not extreme, but how I can leverage that I do not know. All that knowledge seems to do is remind me that this shouldn't be causing so much difficulty. Is resisting this urge not a muscle we can strengthen? I'm almost eager for the next time it happens so I can prove to myself but I'm so scared at the same time admittedly.

 

[Keif' Richards]

I´d like to move this over to our recovery forums. This isn´t really a post about Harm Reduction per se.

Everyone is different. If you want to ask me personally what helped me, it would be the 12-steps. Now, I do not believe it is a perfect program. In fact, I believe the best part about the program is how available it is. There are meetings in every town of a certain size. Now, we have meetings available online literally whenever you want/need. When I was still getting high recklessly, dishonesty was a huge issue. I had to lie to my bosses, my family, my friends and then I had to lie to myself at the end of the day just to be able to sleep at night. Dishonesty sucks even if you´re not a serial killer. It was only in the process of going to meetings that I was able to feel how great it was to not have to lie to myself or others. It´s my belief that we hold onto every bit of dishonesty in an attempt to keep the lies and the truth straight. Eventually, all of our RAM is being used on lies and it is a shitty feeling.

Meetings are a place where you can speak out loud all of your most sordid feelings; the ones that embarrass you, haunt you; you can be honest and get them off your chest. In meetings, you will find people who are just as ¨screwed up¨ mentally as you or I. Society has this veneer of perfection in which us addicts are often forced to feel like the absolute lowest of the low in terms of our actions, principles and character. Meetings showed me that I was not a terrible person. I had the same issues as so many other people. The feeling of being honest and not being afraid to be... it is an awesome feeling. So, first and foremost, meetings are a place where you can unload these feelings free of judgement.

Eventually, you can start helping the new people who come into the program and that becomes an even better part of the program. I´ve never really sponsored people, but I am there to greet the new people when they come in, make them feel welcome or even explain my experience. I´m sure a lot of you know how good it feels just to come onto Bluelight to help your peers. Helping is a great feeling and is undoubtedly the biggest factor in my staying on the right path today. I have to be doing something for someone else and is that not a reasonable thing to ask of someone in this world?

I would highly recommend going to a meeting every day. I know we have hectic work schedules. I just had to take a second job doing menial labor just to connect the dots here. Well, you can go in-person maybe 3 days a week and on your off days, you can do an online meeting. Hell, if you can only do online that´s fine, however, I strongly feel that going in-person and having face-to-face interactions with your peers is important.

I would say the other two components of this trinity are:

Medication - Whatever that means for you, perhaps maintenance medications for some, for others nutritional supplements etc.

Health - This means getting out and moving your body a little bit every day, eating nutritious food and getting as good of a sleep as you can steal.

I´m going to move this over to the recovery forums!

 

[sadmachine]

I´d like to move this over to our recovery forums. This isn´t really a post about Harm Reduction per se.

Everyone is different. If you want to ask me personally what helped me, it would be the 12-steps. Now, I do not believe it is a perfect program. In fact, I believe the best part about the program is how available it is. There are meetings in every town of a certain size. Now, we have meetings available online literally whenever you want/need. When I was still getting high recklessly, dishonesty was a huge issue. I had to lie to my bosses, my family, my friends and then I had to lie to myself at the end of the day just to be able to sleep at night. Dishonesty sucks even if you´re not a serial killer. It was only in the process of going to meetings that I was able to feel how great it was to not have to lie to myself or others. It´s my belief that we hold onto every bit of dishonesty in an attempt to keep the lies and the truth straight. Eventually, all of our RAM is being used on lies and it is a shitty feeling.

Meetings are a place where you can speak out loud all of your most sordid feelings; the ones that embarrass you, haunt you; you can be honest and get them off your chest. In meetings, you will find people who are just as ¨screwed up¨ mentally as you or I. Society has this veneer of perfection in which us addicts are often forced to feel like the absolute lowest of the low in terms of our actions, principles and character. Meetings showed me that I was not a terrible person. I had the same issues as so many other people. The feeling of being honest and not being afraid to be... it is an awesome feeling. So, first and foremost, meetings are a place where you can unload these feelings free of judgement.

Eventually, you can start helping the new people who come into the program and that becomes an even better part of the program. I´ve never really sponsored people, but I am there to greet the new people when they come in, make them feel welcome or even explain my experience. I´m sure a lot of you know how good it feels just to come onto Bluelight to help your peers. Helping is a great feeling and is undoubtedly the biggest factor in my staying on the right path today. I have to be doing something for someone else and is that not a reasonable thing to ask of someone in this world?

I would highly recommend going to a meeting every day. I know we have hectic work schedules. I just had to take a second job doing menial labor just to connect the dots here. Well, you can go in-person maybe 3 days a week and on your off days, you can do an online meeting. Hell, if you can only do online that´s fine, however, I strongly feel that going in-person and having face-to-face interactions with your peers is important.

I would say the other two components of this trinity are:

Medication - Whatever that means for you, perhaps maintenance medications for some, for others nutritional supplements etc.

Health - This means getting out and moving your body a little bit every day, eating nutritious food and getting as good of a sleep as you can steal.

I´m going to move this over to the recovery forums!

Thanks for the response Keif, yeah recovery forums certainly make a lot more sense, cheers for that.

I attended a few SMART recovery online programs for awhile last year, what I found was half were there on court order and didnt even turn their webcams on, and the other half were long term big habit types who I sensed scoffed a little under the breath a little at my situation. The facilitators and team seemed excellent but it wasn't the "pour open your heart session" I'd imagined, more of an online learning class with a little discussion. Maybe I need to look into a paid one or a local in person meeting im not sure. Maybe that one just wasn't for me. I agree 100% on the honesty part, I have no drug user friends and my closest friends who I do reach out to all become pretty uneasy whenever I bring up my struggles. Of course wife/GP/Psych aren't to know even though they'd probably be my best resource, I simply cannot confront that. I've been lying about using drugs for the better part of 2 decades, dishonesty is such a burden to keep up and poisons from the inside.

I can really relate with what you said about helping people, It's something i know i'd find rewarding and definitely a long term goalpost one day in some capacity.

Medication - I'm px'd quite sedating cannabis gummys (20mg thc 50mg cbd), still deciphering if this is something that can support me long term or if I will be too prone to abuse dosages until I no longer get therapeutic effects; a bit of work to do there but promising. Haven't ruled out an SSRI either.

Health - Weight training 3 x a week, cardio x 1. Diet is dialled in, very high protein, slight above maintenance calories daily.

 

[streaM Freak]

ANYWAY - I'm trying to stabilise on cannabis 3x a week for sleep, a light benzo every 2nd friday for meetings and pouring the rest into gym and nutrition. I'm 4 days off my last oxy sheet, 3-6 months last used before that, my finances really dont need the hit and frankly, the oxy's effects have greatly diminishd even after a break.
I suspect i may be right on the verge of letting go of the ox. Usage has become further in between and I have a few mental tools to the fight/deny the urge. I'm super focused on my life and especially now that oxy has lost its magic.

Hi @sadmachine - does cannabis seem to be giving you effects that you like? Benzos? I'd be interested if you could compare and contrast, especially alongside oxy. Because i think it's very important to be as aware (as possible) of why we used in the first place and what less harmful things seem to fill the gap well, as a first step.

Problem is as follows: 2-3 weeks go by, funds return, feel good, life is in routine and normal, jokingly toy with idea one night, autopilot takes over and 30 mins later they're in my hand.

You clearly see that this sequence of events, on paper, doesn't follow with how your life normally goes. Can you identify more about the feelings part?

For example, the night that you decide to buy them, is there anything about that specific night that is clearly different than the rest? Is it simply that you now have the funds? Is it a place you go, an activity you do, or a person you talk to? Is it always the same general time of the week? What common threads are in the nights you buy but not as common in other nights?

 

[sadmachine]

does cannabis seem to be giving you effects that you like? Benzos? I'd be interested if you could compare and contrast, especially alongside oxy. Because i think it's very important to be as aware (as possible) of why we used in the first place and what less harmful things seem to fill the gap well, as a first step.

Cannabis does and does it best initially (eerily close to an opioid buzz) but i've been through 4-5 tubs now and I haven't been able to use them responsibly, which leads to huge tolerance and total loss of positive effects. I'm currently contemplating whether I'll refill another tub next week and try harder to be responsible, I'm sure with a bit more respect and a strict dosing scheme it would work and work well.

You clearly see that this sequence of events, on paper, doesn't follow with how your life normally goes. Can you identify more about the feelings part?

For example, the night that you decide to buy them, is there anything about that specific night that is clearly different than the rest? Is it simply that you now have the funds? Is it a place you go, an activity you do, or a person you talk to? Is it always the same general time of the week? What common threads are in the nights you buy but not as common in other nights?

Always the same. The payday after mortgage and bills are paid. Friday rolls around. I feel happy, i've got plenty of cash, haven't used in a few weeks and now it's the weekend. It's very impulsive, very spur of the moment every time. I find it extremely hard to enjoy my usual hobbies on the weekend without some form of enhancement. I used to be a big gamer, an avid reader & writer, films, tv shows, guitar. None of these things hold my interest sober long enough to enjoy them. Same deal with socialising, without drugs I rarely enjoy it or lack the effort to truly engage and express myself to my friends/coworkers properly. Oxycodone fixes this (fleetingly nowadays). Cannabis gummys without a mega tolerance fixes this. Ketamine used to. Benzos & Dexamphetamine doesn't. Reading this out makes me wonder if I might be a little depressed, have felt this general lack of interest in hobbies for around 7 years now.

In the past the gym was the ultimate panacea, however after a few years that has completely worn off and now the gym just brings me to baseline. Thank you for asking btw stream freak, typing this out has helped me notice some patterns.

 

[streaM Freak]

Cannabis does and does it best initially (eerily close to an opioid buzz) but i've been through 4-5 tubs now and I haven't been able to use them responsibly, which leads to huge tolerance and total loss of positive effects. I'm currently contemplating whether I'll refill another tub next week and try harder to be responsible, I'm sure with a bit more respect and a strict dosing scheme it would work and work well.

Funny thing about weed, some personalities it serves a medicinal purpose, and for some it does not. If you have the urge to use more than you'd like, it's probably less of a functionality thing and more something to do with this:

I find it extremely hard to enjoy my usual hobbies on the weekend without some form of enhancement.

^
And i understand that completely.

Oxycodone fixes this (fleetingly nowadays). Cannabis gummys without a mega tolerance fixes this. Ketamine used to. Benzos & Dexamphetamine doesn't. Reading this out makes me wonder if I might be a little depressed, have felt this general lack of interest in hobbies for around 7 years now.

Honestly that's in a nutshell why i have always liked weed. My DOC were stimulants, but weed for me was different in the sense that it gave me a slight anxious feeling which, if framed the right way, actually mostly manifested as excitement for me. Like i would smoke weed before things like going snowboarding, going to school, going to work, things that i generally probably shouldn't if i want to be 100% aware of my surroundings and sharp as a tack.. but i'd do it for the "enhancement" as well.

When's the last time you went for a walk or drive in a random direction with no plan on where you're going?

 

[Keif' Richards]

Hey @sadmachine I have to say that in-person is completely different. I use the online meetings as more of an ¨AA Lite¨ to hold me over when I´m not able to go in person. I really think the fellowship, making friends who will care about you, make sure you´re doing okay and keep you on the right track. I´m not talking about a team of enforcers here. I am only saying it´s good to have people to send you the occasional text to remind you. I don´t like to be a bilbe-beating-12-stepper either. They will tell you that the program is rigid; the steps are laid out for you.

In reality, the program has aspects you can take with you and ones you can leave behind if you so choose. As addicts, I think one of our defining issues is that we often have, or start out with, very little perspective regarding our thought processes, our emotions and our actions. That´s why the cliche is ¨I didn´t even want to do it¨. Sometimes we drift toward danger without realizing it.

For me, it´s one hour out of my day. I go, explain how insane I have been and can be, possibly relate a story of extreme shame and embarrassment (the more shameful, often, the more laughter, hear others do the same. I leave feeling lighter. At least if you´re me, isolation leads to feelings like ¨wow, I´m so fucked up. If the world truly knew how selfish, petty, dishonest etc. I was¨. In reality, there are tons of people just like me. I know plenty of people who have literally killed other people driving drunk. They are able to find forgiveness for themselves.

Meetings aren´t perfect, but the infrastructure is there. Meetings available whenever you need them, day or night.

Note: Zoom meetings: I find a lot of people are unable to fully focus when in Zoom meetings. Having your computer right at your fingertips, it´s so easy to just dick around. When I do a meeting, I commit myself to paying attention for the full hour.

 

[sadmachine]

For me, it´s one hour out of my day. I go, explain how insane I have been and can be, possibly relate a story of extreme shame and embarrassment (the more shameful, often, the more laughter, hear others do the same. I leave feeling lighter. At least if you´re me, isolation leads to feelings like ¨wow, I´m so fucked up. If the world truly knew how selfish, petty, dishonest etc. I was¨. In reality, there are tons of people just like me. I know plenty of people who have literally killed other people driving drunk. They are able to find forgiveness for themselves.

I cannot express how much I think I need this. I left behind any drug users/scene 10+ years ago and intentionally distanced myself from it to build a somewhat typical lifestyle (on the outside). I'm very isolated in the fact that none of my friends/allies use any drugs at all. I carry so much shame, but I won't go to a psych about it, so NA might be best move on the board here, even if just a session or two. Just reading your sentence on leaving feeling lighter resonated very deeply with me, I think even if I never score again something like that would do so much good for me.

I had a look online and down here in Aus it's slim pickings. Most of the meetings in person are either during work hours or are a specific niche like sex workers or a particular book. I was hoping for something like in the movies, sitting around in chairs everyone taking turns to share. Is it like that at all?

 

[jawn doe]

haven’t posted here much but today is 13 months since i drank or took kratom. i took both of them heavily for a long time despite no longer really enjoying them.

one thing that helped me is IRL meetings. another that helped is coming to terms with the fact that the party ended years ago, the lights are on and nobody else is at the party with me. they’re around but they aren’t at the party. sometimes there’s just nothing left to stick around for.

give a few IRL meetings a try. for AA there’s the meeting guide app that has every meeting local listed. NA looks like it has NA meeting search app. go sit in, listen and share. every meeting is different so try a few and see if any of them jive with you. i went to like 8 different meetings during my first week or two of sobriety and found 2 that i consistently attend

 

[latenighter]

I have to say OP props to you.
#1 for recognizing that while this shit could be a lot worse, it's something that needs to be put to a rest.
#2 for enjoying the binge but being about to put it down, even for months at a time. I'm one of those that just doesn't want the party to end. Good on you for having fun.

I don't have an answer for you. But maybe some perspective. No matter how in control you have it, no matter how much you hole up at home while getting high. There is always the possibility for some shit to go down. Driving with a pocket full of pills, running to the store to get some snacks and getting in a wreck (God forbid hurting someone while under the influence).

All that to say you just never know. No matter how much your dabbling feels to be in control, one stupid incident can be some life changing shit over night.

 

[Mohd Adeeb]

That’s a really tough place to be in, and honestly the fact that you’re thinking about stopping is already a big step. Oxycodone can be hard to quit because of both the physical and mental side of it, so trying to do everything alone can make it even harder. A lot of people find it helpful to talk to a doctor or addiction specialist who can guide them safely, especially to manage withdrawal symptoms. Support from friends, family, or even a support group can also make a big difference because you don’t feel like you’re dealing with it by yourself. Taking it one day at a time instead of thinking too far ahead can help keep things manageable. It’s not easy, but many people have gotten through it with the right support and plan.

 

[Keif' Richards]

First off, @jawn doe stand up and take a big virtual bow/curtsy. That is an amazing achievement. I don´t say things just to make people feel good. You deserve to feel good. I can tell just by how you talk about your life that you´re in a good place. I love hearing that. I don´t know what kind of people you have in your life; children, parents, friends, work, love... you now have the opportunity to have all of that in your life and those people get to have you. I know there are people I´ve lost I wish I still had. Good for you.

@sadmachine okay, what you´re describing about the circle of chairs, that is pretty much what 12-step meetings are. They come in different flavors. For instance:

Speaker Meeting: A person with some decent recovery comes through and speaks for 20-30 minutes. They tell their story, generally an abbreviated biography, what made them realize they were fucked up, how they got better and the things they have because they did. The following half hour is generally discussion regarding the person´s story. However, you can always say whatever you need to say. There are no rules aside from respect.

Discussion Meeting: You will pick a topic and everyone will riff on that topic. Once again, you´re not required to address the topic, it´s just meant to provide some infrastructure for the meeting. For instance, I might talk about relationships ending, guilt, shame; you get the idea.

Big Book Meeting: There is something called the ¨Big Book¨. It´s basically the core text of the program. It describes the steps, contains the story of the program´s founding, stories from people who have been through the program etc. Then you all talk about that. You get the idea.

I´m not sure where you´re located in Australia. I just poked around Sydney, Melbourne, Perth and they all seem to have a presence. The general desire is for every region/neighborhood (think 15 minute driving distance radius) should have at least one meeting, generally one early morning, morning, noon (designed for people to go during their workday, usually on lunch, they´re great for when you want to kill your coworkers) evening, and usually one as late as 8-9.

If you need help finding them just hit me up and i will help you. Commit to go to one meeting and just keep an open mind.

Heroin made me feel great. I have always gotten fucked up when my emotions get the best of me. This started when I was 13. I didn´t ever have to regulate my own emotions until just several years ago. I never killed anyone. I never hurt anyone physically. The worst things I did were letting down people I loved with selfish behavior. I´m not violent, I´m just useless. People needed me in the past and I couldn´t be there. I stole my own Mother´s debit card, twice. It was a total of ike $600. I told myself that these things were not a big deal.

In reality, my selfish behavior, my isolation from the love and connection of the people around me, my inability to regulate my own emotions... It made me sick. I say meetings made me lighter because it feels like the weight of your own fuckup is pressing down on you, pressing your ribs together, making you squirm, making your brain foggy and making each step feel twice as hard.

I deserve to feel guilty. However, there is a point in which guilt is no longer useful to your or anyone else. If you´re like me, when you don´t talk about feelings like guilt, it festers like a rancid wound. It multiplies and mutates. That is my experience. When you keep it all to yourself, it makes you crazy. That is what the feeling of lightness is describing.

 

[jawn doe]

@Keif' Richards thanks big dog. my life is still a bit of a mess honestly- never lost my job or got into any legals but i’ve been separated from my wife for about a year now and don’t see my kid as often as i’d like. there’s plenty more to whine about but this ain’t my show here.

one thing an older gentleman from my sunday meeting said that stuck with me is something along these lines

one thing that pisses me off about this program is everyone telling you “it gets better! give it time, it gets better”. you know what? it might not get better. i know people who got sober in jail, got out, then learned they had cancer. i can’t tell them that things got better- that would be a lie. it might not get better- but YOU will get better. your ability to navigate the bullshit life throws your way will grow in ways you can’t even dream of

there are some people at my usual meetings that say the same exact thing every day, some that annoy me, some that i majorly disagree with, but they’re there for me and i’m there for them. then sometimes someone like the gentleman i quoted above says something that adds years back onto your life. meetings can be a mixed bag but i get so much from the perspective of the oldheads like that and it’s so worth the price of admission (btw they pass a basket and nobody will judge you for not putting a buck in but if you have a buck, it’s customary to toss a buck in- pays for rent, coffee, books, etc)

also i just need to say- some people in the rooms are much more god focused than others, and same with some meetings. i don’t believe in god and still get a ton out of it. try out a few different meetings and see what feels best (or least worst lol, early recovery can be tough)