Thanks for the reply. The depression is really hitting me hard right now. This isn't my first W/D; I have been in this lousy game for about the last 15 or so years. In between that time there was a period where I had almost 6 years clean in a 12 step program. My life really seemed to be going along good there and then the moment life got rough (a knee surgery that took a long time to heal) a reservation I didn't know about brought me back to my old opiate ways, this time in the form of "pain management" from the medical establishment rather than the little colorful balloons and needles. The complicated part was that even thought I know I abused the pain meds I was being prescribed, I'm still not ready to say they weren't needed. But something in me doesn't want to live that way and a couple years later, when I felt my knee was better, I got off of everything. Man, that was the HARDEST kick I ever had to do because of all the shit the Dr had me on...things I'd never heard of before, like Tramadol. Even though I weaned and tapered with the help of the Dr I was hurting worse and longer than anything that I had done before that point.
But I did get clean again, and it was great. However, I wasn't in the program anymore so I chipped here and there. I did get burned every now and then however, but nothing too serious. And recently, I had been going along pretty good when this shoulder thing happened and when the Dr said the magical word "Percocet" I was off to the races. It looked like I had things under control (at least in my denial) but as evident from what I'm going through now, I was fooling myself. My poor wife...my poor 11.5 month old son who I haven't been in any shape to interact with. Addiction has created so much pain for myself and those around me and here I am again. What a waste.
Here you are again, but you are helping yourself and not in some dark place using Heroin! :D
Interesting, about your experience. I had a similar experience - Had 8 years, spine kept reherniating (had a discectomy), and eventually the thought of seeing my primary for a hydro script seemed like a good idea. Two years later, I found myself detoxing off Heroin again. You know what's really awesome though? Is ime, no time is lost, ever. Just cos you are here again, getting off pills, doesn't mean you don't have that time clean in your life -- and that time, believe it or not … might be very valuable in keeping you around. For me, if I didn't have those 8 years (and at first, i was beating myself up big time in a huge depression, the withdrawal exacerbating it), I wouldn't have known what to do, where to go… how to get help (including BL), and that it is possible to recover again. If that makes sense(?). I can't speak for you but cos I did it before I am back on track now. 12 Step I worked once, then another time not … and used other support groups, therapy and pain management. It has been helpful, sometimes not… and hierarchal.
Don't beat yourself up, there are no mistakes, thoughts don't come in sizes. They just come and we can decide what to do with them, cling to them, adding sub thoughts to each one bringing us further down, or watch them pass by… and reframe our thinking to our progress, even if in a couple days!

Just let them pass, they probably don't want the best for you right now as the depression you are having is substance related mostly ime/o. Your brain isn't making natural 'feel goods' yet. Also, Neversickanymore has a good point. Severity of withdrawal depends on multiple factors and one is time you have been recently using for isn't long.
You are not fooling yourself, that's someone else, don't listen to it, might just be the self sabotaged addicted brain… false self, one that doesn't want what's best.

Call its bluff!
