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Need advice, completely lost

H

hannahk

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 30, 2012
Messages
2
I don't know a single person who I can explain this situation honestly to. I would greatly appreciate any help, I am so lost. I've never posted before I'll try to be as brief as possible with all the important details

I met my boyfriend about a year ago, I was new in town and had asked him if he knew where to find any dope. I could tell he was trust worthy and definately into me, so we started hanging out and we realize we are both extremely attracted to one another in spite of our age difference (which ill just say is really really big and most people find quite strange that we are together anyways). Anyways, I have never met anyone so into me in my entire life and over the past year we have both given up just about everything else to be in this relationship. He got me to take a year off of school to travel with him, he helped me kick the dope (which i could never do for myself and will get back into if we were to split apart), and we have spent just about everyday and night together since we started going out. Trouble is I'm still a virgin and while I want more than anything for my first time to be with him, we have tried so many times to have sex but it is just so unbearably painful. I cannot push past this pain no matter how fucked up on drugs and/or alcohol I get. I've been checked by a few doctors, nothing physically wrong so I'm getting psychological help to try and figure this out. My boyfriend has been very patient and has always said he wants to spend his life with me even if it means we never have sex. Even though he says this I've felt him holding it against me for almost the entire time we have been together and as we keep sticking it out the physical aspect of our relationship gets closer and closer to nothing. But he still says he has the same feelings for me. He took me to meet his family and now a week later he says he needs sex inn a relationship but he doesn't want to give up cause he loves me and doesn't want me to get back into the dope. I just want him to be happy an agree that if there is nothing physical maybe there is no point. Breaking up would tear us both apart but this situation is making us both miserable I feel I have been and am worthless. We have no idea what to do so we are just sticking it out for now even though I feel like we have already split up. Neither of us wants to call it quits but we are miserable about the physical part of our relationship and it's killing us. A ny comments would be deeply appreciated I have no idea what to do. I feel extremely lost an worthless. I hate myself for not being able to give this to my boyfriend
 
Definitely see a psychologist. Y'all sound like quite a couple :) Did you get a second opinion as far as a physical examination goes? Good luck!
 
Wow, this sounds like a really tough situation, I really feel for you. It sounds like you've both been really open and honest in the r/ship too which is great, and I think it's really admirable that he's been able to be honest with you about what he needs from a r/ship, and that you've accepted this with such good grace. I think these qualities show your r/ship is something special, and that it'd be great if you can salvage it.

The only thing I can think of to suggest, is perhaps exploring yourself and seeing how that goes. Are you able to put a finger in yourself without it being painful? If so, could you gradually work up to something larger?

Otherwise, would you consider a different kind of relationship, where he's able to have sex with other people, but is emotionally committed to you?

I really wish you all the best.
 
Before we even get into the issues around your dependency on him, possibly your co-dependency as a couple and the pressure you're under due to the unspoken resentment you sense from him, which is only going to worsen your performance anxiety and make it harder for you to relax...

I think you have vaginismus.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Introduction.aspx

"Vaginismus is very treatable. If the cause is psychological, it may be treated using sex therapy, where you are helped to gradually overcome it using vaginal trainers and relaxation techniques. You will be given counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) if necessary."
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx

An example of a "treatment" kit:
http://www.sh-womenstore.com/Sex+Toys/Vibrators/Classic+Vibrators/Sh_Training_kit.html

You're going to need to take it slowly, patiently and he needs to lay off the pressure as it sounds like he's being passive-aggressive. This is going to take time but there's no reason you can't get there. I really think that a few sessions with a sex therapist who can instruct you how to follow the treatment together will get you there and pay off greatly. Don't try to force it when you're drunk or high! Do it when sober or a bit tipsy, in a comfortable environment and more importantly when you're feeling safe. You two might have to work on the physical side of your relationships (from snuggling to kissing to non-penetrative forms of sex) so that being naked and intimate with him feels comfortable and natural to you rather than a cause of anxiety. If he's worth it he'll stick it out... and don't ever think you can't stay sober alone, or put the responsibility of keeping you clean on another person's shoulders - this is your life and it isn't fair to make someone else feel responsible for your choices (not to mention damaging to the relationship and can cause resentment).
 
I know nothing about this, but have you gone to see a GP? I'm sure a good female doc could point you in the right direction
 
When you eventually hit puberty your vagina will grow large enough to accomodate a male member. In the meantime, you have two other holes, and your hands, breasts, armpits; so engage in anal, oral, handjobs, so on, (all sex) while you wait.
 
lola said:
Before we even get into the issues around your dependency on him, possibly your co-dependency as a couple and the pressure you're under due to the unspoken resentment you sense from him, which is only going to worsen your performance anxiety and make it harder for you to relax...

I think you have vaginismus.
http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Introduction.aspx

"Vaginismus is very treatable. If the cause is psychological, it may be treated using sex therapy, where you are helped to gradually overcome it using vaginal trainers and relaxation techniques. You will be given counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) if necessary."
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Vaginismus/Pages/Treatment.aspx

An example of a "treatment" kit:
http://www.sh-womenstore.com/Sex+Toys/Vibrators/Classic+Vibrators/Sh_Training_kit.html

You're going to need to take it slowly, patiently and he needs to lay off the pressure as it sounds like he's being passive-aggressive. This is going to take time but there's no reason you can't get there. I really think that a few sessions with a sex therapist who can instruct you how to follow the treatment together will get you there and pay off greatly. Don't try to force it when you're drunk or high! Do it when sober or a bit tipsy, in a comfortable environment and more importantly when you're feeling safe. You two might have to work on the physical side of your relationships (from snuggling to kissing to non-penetrative forms of sex) so that being naked and intimate with him feels comfortable and natural to you rather than a cause of anxiety. If he's worth it he'll stick it out... and don't ever think you can't stay sober alone, or put the responsibility of keeping you clean on another person's shoulders - this is your life and it isn't fair to make someone else feel responsible for your choices (not to mention damaging to the relationship and can cause resentment).
Click to expand...

this is really good advice.
 
how old are u both? is it really worth u stopping school and giving shit up to be with him, you may feel like thats what you want now, but feeling change and u dont wanna b completely fucked just cause u were hung up on some guy

imo if he really cared about u he wouldnt let u stop going to school and give up "basically everything" as u put it...just my .02
 
I totally agree with Lola's advice.

Also, if it is psychological, it's possible you're simply nervous. If you tense up your leg muscles, sex is extremely painful - the best way is to relax. I love the commitment you have to your relationship, so hopefully it seems like your boyfriend will be patient enough :)
 
Definitely sounds like there is some co-dependency happening... I think some relationship counselling could be of some serious benefit, before you get to having sex.. :)
 
You could definitely benefit from some psychological help. Have you enaged in other sorts of sexual activity with him? For example, does it hurt if he fingers you? Are you actually wet when you try penetrative sex? Dry sex can be extremely painful so that could be an issue. Maybe you need more foreplay so that your body can begin to relax. You're in love with this guy but it can still be a scary notion of losing your virginity.

If he truly loves you then he will be patient with you. Putting the pressure on you is only causing you to meltdown psychologically. The fact that you say you feel worthless speaks VOLUMES. You're not worthless and you deserve someone taking the time to be with you and to allow you to feel comfortable without the threat of leaving. If he can't give you that then he isn't worth your time. If he was as patient as you said then you wouldn't have been feeling the vibes or feelings of resentment that you have.
 
I have a friend in her early 30's that has this same issue (pain when attempting vaginal intercourse). She's seen specialists in multiple states and still no results.
 
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