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Need advice about my boyfriend

A couple of things that stood out to me. First, I think I would have been disappointed about him not supporting me when I asked him to be there for my brother, but I think I would have tried to let it go if he went to see his mom, even if I was disappointed. However, him ignoring me would have upset me too. That's not cool. I don't like to be ignored either. I think though when I found out about him going out to a festival, my disappointment to let it go would have turned to hurt. I'd feel like he lied to me.

Then, to find out he told people about personal problems probably would have pissed me off fast. It's not like he was just talking to his BFF, but he told a group of people? WAT? That's out of line. I kinda expect my significant others' BFF to know about me, because people usually talk to one close person, but a group a people is wrong.

I don't agree that the whole situation is the end. Sounds like you guys just went through a hard time. Every couple has arguments, goes through a hard time, fights, etc. Just gotta get past it. If you love each other, I think this is not something to break up over.
 
I have developed some rules to live by in my relationship after learning from my past:

1) Don't ever say anything you will regret later, you can't take it back and words CAN hurt
2) A relationship consists of compromise, it's not all about me and my needs and it's not all about him and his needs
3) Let the past go, if you can't forgive then you probably shouldn't be together. Everyone makes mistakes but you must move on. Being angry for days or weeks on end is not helpful or healthy for your emotional well being or your relationship
4) Give respect and you will get respect. If you don't practice what you preach then don't expect anything in return

You're a wonderful person, n3o. I know how hard it can be to deal with anxiety and overanalyzing everything. It gets you nowhere though. You havr known this man for a long time and have been close to him for a long time. A lot of what you have described, for both of you, has sounded like knee jerk reactions. You're emotionally flared up and so is he and you both have been thinking more about your own needs rather than finding a way of fulfilling both sets of needs together.

A relationship is hard work, I would say that anyone who says that a relationship isn't work is a complete liar. If you both put in the time and keep talking to one another (no matter how difficult, you need to put your fear of confrontation aside) then I believe with my heart that you can find your way
 
Thanks so much for your input ladies.
I'm so exhausted with life right now I can't reply properly, but, thank you <3
 
hey babe, i know it sounds silly but we all need to be reminded now and then that we are not in a competition with our partners. it is not a matter of his needs versus your needs, or his problems versus your problems. everyone has needs and everyone has problems. there seems to be a miscommunication blowing things way out of proportion, i think.

there was probably a disparity between your idea of his needs on that night in the first post and vice versa. that's why neither yours nor his expectations were met and you're both upset. this is only going to be exacerbated if you continue to say untruths in order to avoid confrontation, such as how you replied to him asking how you felt about his disclosure. this is probably as damaging as a confrontation, but you know there is always a third option.

considering his emotional state it pays to be a bit diplomatic about your displeasure with what he did. it isn't a matter of painting him a villain (what's that gonna get you?) but it would be good to just be clear that you would appreciate it if he didn't do that again. through no one's sole fault, neither of you were there for each other when it was needed, so the only way this can be made to work is that the avenues to discuss or vent to each other are made open in future. so, by talking more, you can both have realistic expectations of each other, and if there is any slip ups (there will be, of course) you can hopefully neutralise it before it escalates.

remember that your current state of mind is exaggerating your emotional reactions. although it is hard to feel or believe, try to remember something like "i am only half as upset as i am feeling" and say that to yourself. also get into the habit of giving the benefit of the doubt. this is a good principle in general, so that when expectations aren't met, you work yourself up with concern, rather than anger. either way you're probably getting worked up over nothing, and it's much easier to have the former relieved than the latter (ie, "thank fuck you're still alive/not hurt and your phone was out of battery" is more natural to mentally and emotionally digest than "thank fuck you're not a careless prick and your phone was out of battery").

it sounds like you two were made for each other. it is going to be difficult while you are working out those few demons on your back, but as long as you are honest with yourself and each other, this will work out. please be patient.

<3 -r
 
I'd like to thank you all again for your input. My boyfriend and I have worked everything out and we're back to just being totally in love. I am SO grateful that he is willing to put in as much effort as I am, to work on our relationship and smooth out any issues. After everything in our respective lives has now calmed down and we're both back to our normal rational level-headed selves, in the last few days he really has proven to me that he truly loves me and wants this to be forever.

We're going to continue to see my therapist together for a few more sessions just to get some more effective communication strategies etc.
 
That is really great news! Always nice to hear when something works out! Seems like seeing your therapist a few more times should help out too... especially in preventing future potential problems. You were both going through a tough time at the same time and that is really when relationships are tested. At least you figured it out now :)
 
n3ophy7e said:
I'd like to thank you all again for your input. My boyfriend and I have worked everything out and we're back to just being totally in love. I am SO grateful that he is willing to put in as much effort as I am, to work on our relationship and smooth out any issues. After everything in our respective lives has now calmed down and we're both back to our normal rational level-headed selves, in the last few days he really has proven to me that he truly loves me and wants this to be forever.

We're going to continue to see my therapist together for a few more sessions just to get some more effective communication strategies etc.
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This is really great :)
 
Lysis said:
I love your posts, purplefirefly.
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seconded :)

This stood out most:

...


A relationship is hard work, I would say that anyone who says that a relationship isn't work is a complete liar. If you both put in the time and keep talking to one another (no matter how difficult, you need to put your fear of confrontation aside) then I believe with my heart that you can find your way
Click to expand...
 
This makes me so happy Rosie, you of all people deserve all the happiness in the world. I'm so glad you worked it all out, I know how much you love him <3
 
Have to say it's also quite inspiring to see someone feeling so down about their relationship but managing to pick up the pieces so quickly and be back in a great place - think everyone can learn something from that :)
Again, very happy for you n3o <3
 
Thank you lovely :)

I think that he and I both see the worth of our relationship, and we both only see a future together, with starting our own family and venturing through life together. In that respect we both have the same goal. So it is worth the fight.

But at the same time we need to remember that we're only newly back together so we sometimes need to treat it as a totally new relationship. Whilst we know each other inside-out as people and as friends, being lovers again is totally different to how it was for us 10 years ago. So, we've been taking it a bit slower lately, just eeeeasing in to things and really trying to communicate well, and giving each other some space.

purplefirefly said it: relationships are hard work. But the end result is SO worth it <3
 
Let go of your resentments.. otherwise the relationship will never reach the potential it has. It's tough but if its worth it, you can do it. And so can he. Good luck :)
 
The advice that I can give was given by a very famous man to his son before dying, leaving him with no inheritance but this sentence: "When someone awakens anger in you, wait for 24 hours and then get back to him". Anger is a feeling triggered by an incomplete set of information. Gathering all the necessary information to justify your anger takes time. You cannot feel angry right now and 10 minutes later text him about it. You just cannot do that. It's not how it's done. Remember what I said.

Pneumonia is a serious disease and her mother is a serious family member. You cannot call the man to a party under these circumstances. Postpone the party, go support him and his mother, bring her flowers, be with him, and then go be with your brother. Brain surgeries do not require a per-surgery party. Also remember that you are there to share your happiness with your partner, if you rely on your partner to make you happy the relationship is doomed from the start.
 
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