Near where i live there is a viaduct where people jump when thier out of luck

[cj]

I'm sitting here on my tiny little bed in this new place thinking about what is important to me. I have a full time job. I live 2500 miles from my family in this city I chose to try and make my life in. I can't help but feel the itching half closed wounds on my right leg where I carved it with a razor last week. "If it isn't hell then im not happy" it reads in half closed scar tissue. Such a true statement on the futility of my life.

I am never happy. I bounce between sad and numb. I always blamed the drugs but now that is gone and I realize it's just me. I've been sober 3 months. I don't forsee it lastin to 4. Truth is if I'm going to be miserable I would rather do it high.

There is this bridge not far from here. It's tall. Spanning the Mississippi river. I want to jump. I don't want to die though. I want someone to save me. I want to feel like someone cares. I know they don't though. I'm not loveable. I've known I was going to die alone since I was 12 years old. It's sad. But I love drugs and they love me back.

I've got 2300 dollars. Maybe I'll binge out and then jump? Probably just binge out

 

[Quere]

Hey at 3 months clean it's pretty normal to feel shit so believe me when I say that things will probably get better than they are now.

I totally get rather being high than miserable. Before i started using opioids all I had was misery, I couldn't imagine living to the age I am now and I thought I would never be able to cope with a job and a 'normal' life. That's why I went on methadone maintenance eventually and I dont plan on ever coming off unless it stops helping me.

I have slowly been getting better after not working for a decade since I was 18 and now I'm able to study part time and work part time.

Please just do anything except killing yourself, go get high if that's what it takes. It sounds like you used drugs as a survival mechanism like I did and now you don't have the drugs you're just left with the problem you were self medicating.

If you stick with abstinence it may get better, I don't know. But the lack of drugs is probably having a huge effect on your mood and outlook etc so maybe it's better to keep using if that keeps you alive and try to improve your mental health in other ways until you're ready to quit.

I don't know what drugs you're using but if you use opioids i would recommend maintenance to keep you're mental health in check while you rebuild your life.

Just please don't kill yourself

X

 

[Quere]

And I want you to know I believed I was going to die before I became an adult from the same age (12). I had thoughts of wanting to die before I even understood that's what they were.

But things can change, I found an amazing therapist and a partner who is just like me and they have helped me realize that I am smart, capable and lovable and that I am a success for surviving and that I'm not a freak or a failure.