I've been thinking a lot about my two overdoses. The first one was when I took 160mg of methadone and some Xanax. I was tolerant to 100mg plus way too much benzos and booze but the 60mg of methadone just did me in, luckily my mom found me the next morning when she went to wake me up for the first day of my senior year in high school because I had overslept.
I've been thinking about after I took 60mg of extra methadone about 3am and was posting on Bluelight. I could tell once the extra dose hit me that I had done too much and I thought I was overdosing. I even made a thread about it, unfortunately it was purged a year or so ago. I've never really told anyone about this, but it was such a horrible feeling as I tried to fight to stay awake. I tried and tried everything I could think of to stay awake. I was too fucked up to do pushups, I knew nothing would keep me awake but I never gave up. I decided to try to eat as much sugary food as possible so I went and got several cupcakes. I was found with the cupcake in my hand, with one bite taken out of it. Bluelighters responded with the typical don't go to sleep and go to the ER in the thread that I made, but I didn't listen to the last part. I woke up and everything was completely dark. I couldn't see whatsoever and my eyes wouldn't open either. I was paralyzed, but felt every needle and tube that was hastefully shoved into my body but my screams were silent and tears were dry. I thought I was dreaming at first, but realized that you can't feel pain in a dream. I heard the nurse talking to me, but I couldn't understand. Then I heard the words "Let's do a CT scan to see if you have brain damage" I came to and the nurse started yelling that I was awake. I will never forget the shame that I felt when my mother looked into my eyes. She didn't know I even did drugs.
I don't know why I felt compelled to post that here, but we Bluelighters often think that won't happen to us, or either reach a point where death seems better than life. I am extremely blessed and I know that Jesus saved my life and I respect those of you that may disagree with me, but I don't want to argue about religion. I had a friend that died from an overdose of cocaine due solely to a particular cut and I have another friend I'm afraid that will die because of drugs. Hopefully someone, somewhere will read this and gain something from it.
If you are living a lifestyle of an active addict, have your life in order, because you never know what can happen to you. For example, I overdosed a second time from 30mg of methadone, benzos, and alcohol in all extremely small amounts. I blacked out and woke up days later with every organ barely working and I tried to talk to my family but the respirator down my throat stopped me from asking if I was dying. They gave me paper and I wrote, "Am I dying?" and they just cried. I fell back asleep and woke up again for good. I had to watch and I felt the pain of a respirator being ripped out of my throat along with the stomach pump that was up both of my nostrils and into my stomach. It was miserable even when compared to feeling a catheter being yanked out of my dick. The physical pain was nothing to the pain that I felt when I looked into my loved ones eyes because they had came from around the U.S. to say their goodbyes to me. A day later, I found out that my best friend had left me for dead and drug me out into the edge of the road and stuffed drugs that were not mine into my pockets.
Stay safe all of you out there, wherever and whoever you are because you never know when you could take your last breath.
...I know that doesn't help but I was not just sad for what I was reading,I was proud and glad that you are still around to to share those things with us. you never know who you will impact! I most admire your bravery to be so open and honest-it is something i am struggling with in my own life.
