CHRIST, he stinks. And he snores loud as fuck. That is, when he's not attempting to blow his fucking cerebellum out of his nostrils. Every fucking 20 seconds he's awake.
I listen to that Big World/Christina Aguilera "Say Something I'm Giving Up On You" song a lot. I think it bothers him. Good, I fucking hope it does.
What's left? Holy shit - he genuinely does not see how little he loves me. (He still hasn't figured out love is a verb.) I'm supposed to stick around, unfucked, untouched, with no tenderness...yet he wants me to tell him how great he is when every word out of his mouth is negativity or rejection of me...or himself...or our lives. Badmouthing the kids. And no efforts at all for improvement in any sector. I'm not looking for that around me. I'm not well enough for it. I need bliss, joy, serenity, not ugly bullshit.
I get we're both facing a damn near insurmountable amount of challenges. I know he's also struggling with depression and health issues. I know all of this will pass which is why I haven't done something either of us will regret...but I'm just hoping this moment here doesn't cause irreparable damage for me.
One of the comics at the February show said something I can't shake. Yes, bad me. I was flirting. Sue me. He said, "I just want to fuck a beautiful woman." I. Can't. Get. That. Out. Of. My. Head.
I couldn't pay my dumbass hubby to say that. I can't buy his time in bed. All he does is sleep. And get high. And bitch about how he doesn't get enough sleep.
And I have no one to talk to because I can't say shit about any of this and I'll be fucked if I can talk to him; I am not allowed to bring up any challenging topics, EVER. If we are in a "good" place, I can't ruin it and if we are in a bad place, isn't it bad enough already, geez?!
And he never ever fucking will. (Talk. Or work to improve this. Or fuck me.)
Why am I doing this? Why am I here? My jackass ex hurt me so bad and now...my HUSBAND?!? My fucking HUSBAND?! Who fucking cares what the goddamn excuse is? The bottom line is he gives no fucking shit about fighting to fix us.
I have done everything I can and it's fried and boiled horse ass I'm doing this all over again!! What the fuck is wrong with me?? This is a martyr level of forgiveness and I am not fucking Gandhi. I can not fucking do this bullshit any. fucking. more.
I listen to that Big World/Christina Aguilera "Say Something I'm Giving Up On You" song a lot. I think it bothers him. Good, I fucking hope it does.
What's left? Holy shit - he genuinely does not see how little he loves me. (He still hasn't figured out love is a verb.) I'm supposed to stick around, unfucked, untouched, with no tenderness...yet he wants me to tell him how great he is when every word out of his mouth is negativity or rejection of me...or himself...or our lives. Badmouthing the kids. And no efforts at all for improvement in any sector. I'm not looking for that around me. I'm not well enough for it. I need bliss, joy, serenity, not ugly bullshit.
I get we're both facing a damn near insurmountable amount of challenges. I know he's also struggling with depression and health issues. I know all of this will pass which is why I haven't done something either of us will regret...but I'm just hoping this moment here doesn't cause irreparable damage for me.
One of the comics at the February show said something I can't shake. Yes, bad me. I was flirting. Sue me. He said, "I just want to fuck a beautiful woman." I. Can't. Get. That. Out. Of. My. Head.
I couldn't pay my dumbass hubby to say that. I can't buy his time in bed. All he does is sleep. And get high. And bitch about how he doesn't get enough sleep.
And I have no one to talk to because I can't say shit about any of this and I'll be fucked if I can talk to him; I am not allowed to bring up any challenging topics, EVER. If we are in a "good" place, I can't ruin it and if we are in a bad place, isn't it bad enough already, geez?!
And he never ever fucking will. (Talk. Or work to improve this. Or fuck me.)
Why am I doing this? Why am I here? My jackass ex hurt me so bad and now...my HUSBAND?!? My fucking HUSBAND?! Who fucking cares what the goddamn excuse is? The bottom line is he gives no fucking shit about fighting to fix us.
I have done everything I can and it's fried and boiled horse ass I'm doing this all over again!! What the fuck is wrong with me?? This is a martyr level of forgiveness and I am not fucking Gandhi. I can not fucking do this bullshit any. fucking. more.
