MustelidMarmalade
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2015
- Messages
- 1
Hello,
I'm new. Not interested in revealing much about myself, to be honest--for privacy reasons. However, I do plan to make this entry as descriptive as possible, which means it'll probably be really long. Sorry! ?
I am just a user-turned-addict-turned-recovering-addict-turned-relapser-turned-recovering addict, etc. looking for accurate information, especially info aimed at harm reduction. I've only been into the drug scene for a couple of years, but was previously very psychologically addicted to alcohol for many years before that. Not quite physically, but quickly getting to that point. However, when alcohol started to always lead to embarrassing episodes of extensive self-injury and half-assed suicide attempts, I decided to try something else.
First started with psychedelics, which saved my life without a doubt. It solidified my identity, when, before trying psychs, I had considered myself a chameleon--a very dependent chameleon. I needed a guy by my side at all times whether we were considered "official" or not. I didn't care about being the "other woman", either, as long as I was getting regular attention. I lived the first half of my adult life this way. I would latch onto a guy, study and absorb his interests and habits, and embody them. It didn't matter what he liked; if I didn't initially like it, I made myself like it until I was convinced I actually honestly did like it. Reaching that stage allowed me to feel like I more honestly related with him. My taste in music has varied widely over the years, but tended to be fixated on a certain genre depending on the man I was with or pursuing. My fashion sense also changed often and dramatically; I was inspired by women I admired--singers & actresses--and also by women I knew my current infatuation was attracted to, so I'd dye my hair and change my wardrobe in the saddest of sad attempts to impress and win over. These were the days I regularly drank. A lot.... aaaand because I have BPD, this meant a lot of self-injury and poor suicide attempts.
ANYWAY, after one nearly successful suicide attempt I decided to stop drinking. I was able to successfully let the bottle go after that, BUT! Don't get me wrong, I'm an addict, so I was off to the next best thing...
Psychedelics! Molly and Lucy to start; a myriad of RCs and plants to follow. Molly was what really wowed me. It was the first drug I had ever tried aside from alcohol, weed, and Adderall, but none of these particularly impressed me or had a lasting effect. M was different. Ever since my first experience with Molly I haven't had one panic attack, and ever since trying Lucy and some other analogues, I have no self-esteem issues which has, as a result, greatly decreased my depressive episodes. I used to have Body Dysmorphic Disorder badly for years which is 100% gone now. I can't believe I actually suffered for years with it.
The more trips I took, the more humbled I became until I finally could come to terms with my own identity and embrace it--embrace myself for who I am. I found God/Love, and what it means to embody that divine essence. I seriously owe my life to psychedelics. While I still suffer from BPD, all of my previous anxieties are virtually gone, and my depressive episodes have decreased. 10+ years of different types of therapy and meds couldn't accomplish that.
Anyway, so yeah. I'd say psychedelics play a huge role in my life, but I rarely partake in them anymore. I'm kind of a hippie raver flower child, and I love that part of myself. I do very much believe in God and the importance of doing his will (Love), but I'm not here to preach. I've got nothing to prove. My life would be peachy if I didn't still struggle with addiction overall. Unfortunately, no psychedelic has yet to fully wake me up to the demon of addiction. I've been struggling on and off with opiate addiction for about a year now. I'll dabble in other things, but they don't have a hook on me like opiates do.
At this very moment, I'm getting off of them again and feeling hopeful. During the first week of withdrawal I am dabbling in other highs to mask the craving for opiates, if that makes sense? I plan to get back to NA and AA meetings this week and to get completely clean off of everything, so wish me luck, I guess!
Anyway, I've rambled enough. I joined this forum to read whatever tips I can find pertaining to health, withdrawal, and harm reduction.
?
I'm new. Not interested in revealing much about myself, to be honest--for privacy reasons. However, I do plan to make this entry as descriptive as possible, which means it'll probably be really long. Sorry! ?
I am just a user-turned-addict-turned-recovering-addict-turned-relapser-turned-recovering addict, etc. looking for accurate information, especially info aimed at harm reduction. I've only been into the drug scene for a couple of years, but was previously very psychologically addicted to alcohol for many years before that. Not quite physically, but quickly getting to that point. However, when alcohol started to always lead to embarrassing episodes of extensive self-injury and half-assed suicide attempts, I decided to try something else.
First started with psychedelics, which saved my life without a doubt. It solidified my identity, when, before trying psychs, I had considered myself a chameleon--a very dependent chameleon. I needed a guy by my side at all times whether we were considered "official" or not. I didn't care about being the "other woman", either, as long as I was getting regular attention. I lived the first half of my adult life this way. I would latch onto a guy, study and absorb his interests and habits, and embody them. It didn't matter what he liked; if I didn't initially like it, I made myself like it until I was convinced I actually honestly did like it. Reaching that stage allowed me to feel like I more honestly related with him. My taste in music has varied widely over the years, but tended to be fixated on a certain genre depending on the man I was with or pursuing. My fashion sense also changed often and dramatically; I was inspired by women I admired--singers & actresses--and also by women I knew my current infatuation was attracted to, so I'd dye my hair and change my wardrobe in the saddest of sad attempts to impress and win over. These were the days I regularly drank. A lot.... aaaand because I have BPD, this meant a lot of self-injury and poor suicide attempts.
ANYWAY, after one nearly successful suicide attempt I decided to stop drinking. I was able to successfully let the bottle go after that, BUT! Don't get me wrong, I'm an addict, so I was off to the next best thing...
Psychedelics! Molly and Lucy to start; a myriad of RCs and plants to follow. Molly was what really wowed me. It was the first drug I had ever tried aside from alcohol, weed, and Adderall, but none of these particularly impressed me or had a lasting effect. M was different. Ever since my first experience with Molly I haven't had one panic attack, and ever since trying Lucy and some other analogues, I have no self-esteem issues which has, as a result, greatly decreased my depressive episodes. I used to have Body Dysmorphic Disorder badly for years which is 100% gone now. I can't believe I actually suffered for years with it.
The more trips I took, the more humbled I became until I finally could come to terms with my own identity and embrace it--embrace myself for who I am. I found God/Love, and what it means to embody that divine essence. I seriously owe my life to psychedelics. While I still suffer from BPD, all of my previous anxieties are virtually gone, and my depressive episodes have decreased. 10+ years of different types of therapy and meds couldn't accomplish that.
Anyway, so yeah. I'd say psychedelics play a huge role in my life, but I rarely partake in them anymore. I'm kind of a hippie raver flower child, and I love that part of myself. I do very much believe in God and the importance of doing his will (Love), but I'm not here to preach. I've got nothing to prove. My life would be peachy if I didn't still struggle with addiction overall. Unfortunately, no psychedelic has yet to fully wake me up to the demon of addiction. I've been struggling on and off with opiate addiction for about a year now. I'll dabble in other things, but they don't have a hook on me like opiates do.
At this very moment, I'm getting off of them again and feeling hopeful. During the first week of withdrawal I am dabbling in other highs to mask the craving for opiates, if that makes sense? I plan to get back to NA and AA meetings this week and to get completely clean off of everything, so wish me luck, I guess!
Anyway, I've rambled enough. I joined this forum to read whatever tips I can find pertaining to health, withdrawal, and harm reduction.
?
