blahman8000
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2009
- Messages
- 690
2015.
Hey all.
I haven't been on this site for a while. It's difficult sometimes to visit because it reminds me of harder times. But at the same time, a lot of you folks helped me through them when I had no idea where else to go.
I still screw up. I haven't had a drink, though, in about a month, and alcohol was my chosen poison (mainly due to its affordability and accessibility). I pop an Antabuse once in a while to solidify my commitment, just in case. Alcohol nearly killed me, more than once. It changed my world. I felt like I was on the edge of hell. Without a drink, I felt helpless. Booze is all I thought about. Often I'd resort to cooking wine or even Listerine, to avoid withdrawals. My withdrawals, over time, got worse, to the point of seizures and hallucinations.
In retrospect, I hate alcohol. I hate how it changes me, I hate what it's done to me, I hate that it's taken so much from me. But I am an alcoholic. Because I've recently taken an Antabuse, I cannot drink even if I wanted to, but if I could and did run out and picked up a bottle now, it would be the beginning of a hellish ride and I don't know if I have another run in me. I don't want to find out.
When I say I still screw up, I mean that I still use recreationally. Pills. Not daily, and I don't go overboard, but I can't sit here and claim to be clean. I can only say that having stopped drinking, my life has improved significantly. I take care of myself now. I take medication for my depression, and it has changed things for the better. I don't mean that medication is necessarily the answer, but for me, it is helpful. I play my guitar more often. I've taken to playing basketball in my backyard in my free time. I'm in school. I smoke less. I haven't contemplated suicide in quite a while. I see a future for myself. I'm on good terms with my family. I'm me again. For a while, alcohol took away everything. It led to things that I cannot go back and change. It warped my life.
I still have work to do, but I've taken some big steps and the work it required has been worth it. 2015 has been a turning point for me. If I hadn't sought help and put in the work, I don't know if I'd be here right now. If I simply drank throughout this year, I don't know if or where I'd be. This year I've been in a number of programs, detox, rehab, partial hospitalization, psych, IOP, etc. I've run the gamut in terms of treatment. I've had my slip ups, and they've been more and more brief. A counselor at a rehab I went to would often tell clients to reframe their view of themselves. Don't call yourself a chronic relapser. You're a chronic recoverer. You wouldn't be here otherwise. You want to be clean, you can't stay with the bottle/drug without continually seeking help and trying to stop. That's not changing the picture, it's reframing it. You're not denying the facts, but you're acknowledging that you're here, you want a better life for yourself, you're working at it, clean or not. You have self-awareness and dedication. Allow that to carry you and have faith in yourself.
Hey all.
I haven't been on this site for a while. It's difficult sometimes to visit because it reminds me of harder times. But at the same time, a lot of you folks helped me through them when I had no idea where else to go.
I still screw up. I haven't had a drink, though, in about a month, and alcohol was my chosen poison (mainly due to its affordability and accessibility). I pop an Antabuse once in a while to solidify my commitment, just in case. Alcohol nearly killed me, more than once. It changed my world. I felt like I was on the edge of hell. Without a drink, I felt helpless. Booze is all I thought about. Often I'd resort to cooking wine or even Listerine, to avoid withdrawals. My withdrawals, over time, got worse, to the point of seizures and hallucinations.
In retrospect, I hate alcohol. I hate how it changes me, I hate what it's done to me, I hate that it's taken so much from me. But I am an alcoholic. Because I've recently taken an Antabuse, I cannot drink even if I wanted to, but if I could and did run out and picked up a bottle now, it would be the beginning of a hellish ride and I don't know if I have another run in me. I don't want to find out.
When I say I still screw up, I mean that I still use recreationally. Pills. Not daily, and I don't go overboard, but I can't sit here and claim to be clean. I can only say that having stopped drinking, my life has improved significantly. I take care of myself now. I take medication for my depression, and it has changed things for the better. I don't mean that medication is necessarily the answer, but for me, it is helpful. I play my guitar more often. I've taken to playing basketball in my backyard in my free time. I'm in school. I smoke less. I haven't contemplated suicide in quite a while. I see a future for myself. I'm on good terms with my family. I'm me again. For a while, alcohol took away everything. It led to things that I cannot go back and change. It warped my life.
I still have work to do, but I've taken some big steps and the work it required has been worth it. 2015 has been a turning point for me. If I hadn't sought help and put in the work, I don't know if I'd be here right now. If I simply drank throughout this year, I don't know if or where I'd be. This year I've been in a number of programs, detox, rehab, partial hospitalization, psych, IOP, etc. I've run the gamut in terms of treatment. I've had my slip ups, and they've been more and more brief. A counselor at a rehab I went to would often tell clients to reframe their view of themselves. Don't call yourself a chronic relapser. You're a chronic recoverer. You wouldn't be here otherwise. You want to be clean, you can't stay with the bottle/drug without continually seeking help and trying to stop. That's not changing the picture, it's reframing it. You're not denying the facts, but you're acknowledging that you're here, you want a better life for yourself, you're working at it, clean or not. You have self-awareness and dedication. Allow that to carry you and have faith in yourself.
I'm really proud of you blahman!
