My wife cheated on me with my best friend...

[verso]

lol
for serious though.
Why is it so hard to tell a child what has happened?
"Cheating is a bad thing"
"Mommy cheated"

And we pretty much both agreed on the point of letting the child form his own opinion. ..so..

We both agreed that the child should be able to form his own opinion of his mother, sure, but I would not think it wise to try explaining to the child, at his age, just exactly what happened. I would leave it at, "your mother and I still love you very much, but we are no longer getting along, and that's OK."

By trying to explain to a child that his mother cheated and cheating is a bad thing, the child will surely come to the conclusion that mommy is bad, and that's not fair. Let's save this conversation for a time when the child can actually wrap his head around it. I mean, if you're going to tell the child that "mommy cheated" and "cheating is bad," why not go ahead and tell the child, "daddy wasn't meeting all of mommy's needs" and "sometimes mommy wants just a little more adventure" ? The two of them can go back and forth like this, being perfectly honest with the child, forever... and all it will serve to do, again, at this child's age, is confuse the hell out of him. I just don't see the reason for the conversation right now.

 

[Animal Mother]

A child's intelligence is more or less set at 6. The only reason that they understand things in the extremes are because they have not been properly taught mediums.


But, hey, I'm not changing anybody's mind here, so to each their own.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Animal Mother, in this instance I have to completely disagree with you. I can totally see where you're coming from and I appreciate your point of view, but to be taught at such a young age that his mother has done such a devastating thing could be really damaging to him. Children NEED to hold their parents up on a pedestal, otherwise it permanently skews their attitude to life and to other people, to the point of even harming their self esteem. (This may sound melodramatic but I've studied this in my psych degree and being shown a negative view of your parent at a young age can have a profound effect)

I agree with what verso said to tell the child: ""your mother and I still love you very much, but we are no longer getting along, and that's OK."

 

[Noodle]

a child deserves a set of parents that care for the child, and places the childs needs before their own

to use the child to vent, confess to, or emotionally dump on at such a young age is a terrible thing

unfortunately, you married someone that wants to have their cake and eat it too

that seems to be more common than not in our materialistic society

 

[Middleway]

Something happened to make her fess up. Your mission is to find out what.

What happened was fucked ..only u can decide if it is salvageable.

You are in a pretty powerful position to dictate EXACTLY what form the relationship will take from here on in.

You could do almost anything and still be beyond criticism.

 

[Ksa]

The guy was supposed to be my "best friend". For five or six years they had an affair (even in my own bed and my son's bed). I never caught them, she finally told me about it and said she loved me and would never do it again and will never see or talk to this man again, should I forgive her, and how can I ever get my trust back, and get this knife I feel is sticking in my back out??? how long before the pain goes away, because I don't even want to live anymore, it hurts so bad.
The guy's got an a** kicking when I see him, but should I trust her again?

What better act of friendship is there, than to please the woman who pleased you for so long. You owe her that much, and you should thank your friend. You should also go please yourself with another woman, she owes you that much as well.

 

[Animal Mother]

Animal Mother, in this instance I have to completely disagree with you. I can totally see where you're coming from and I appreciate your point of view, but to be taught at such a young age that his mother has done such a devastating thing could be really damaging to him. Children NEED to hold their parents up on a pedestal, otherwise it permanently skews their attitude to life and to other people, to the point of even harming their self esteem. (This may sound melodramatic but I've studied this in my psych degree and being shown a negative view of your parent at a young age can have a profound effect)

I agree with what verso said to tell the child: ""your mother and I still love you very much, but we are no longer getting along, and that's OK."

I don't know, maybe I was just an especially bright child and the only thing I could draw from that "its ok to not get long with, or live with, somebody you love"

I'm not saying destroy the child's image of his mother. Nor did I say anything about emotional dumping, but I'm I'm sure that was a slug shot in the dark with no particular target, eh noodle?

 

[Ksa]

Animal Mother, in this instance I have to completely disagree with you. I can totally see where you're coming from and I appreciate your point of view, but to be taught at such a young age that his mother has done such a devastating thing could be really damaging to him. Children NEED to hold their parents up on a pedestal, otherwise it permanently skews their attitude to life and to other people, to the point of even harming their self esteem. (This may sound melodramatic but I've studied this in my psych degree and being shown a negative view of your parent at a young age can have a profound effect)

I agree with what verso said to tell the child: ""your mother and I still love you very much, but we are no longer getting along, and that's OK."

6 year old children do not have to do anything. They should play, run across the dry leaves of a park during fall, and rejoice themselves at the gift of nature.

The idea that a child should take part in the melodrama that goes on indoors is inhuman. Sure a child can have a role model, but as soon as a domestic dispute like that arises, the parents are no longer worthy of such admiration. The child should look for a model elsewhere, for, the parents and family have failed them. They provide a toxic environment. They stink.

The damage done to the children by their family is irreparable. You can blame the mother all you want. She just saw a handsome young man and she wanted to spend time with him. Is there anything more natural and beautiful than that?

Then you argue, it's hurting her family and children. Wrong. Family is hurting children. Don't you get it? If 2 people no longer love each-other they should be human enough to end everything, admit that it was beautiful when they were together but now it is finished. Why the drama? Children don't need parents, they need role models. Society has many role models that are less dramatic, less upset, less filled with hate and sorrow then parents who no longer love each-other.

Just admit that you have made a mistake to think you could be together for eternity and end everything. Children don't have to put up with it.

I don't know, maybe I was just an especially bright child and the only thing I could draw from that "its ok to not get long with, or live with, somebody you love"

I'm not saying destroy the child's image of his mother. Nor did I say anything about emotional dumping, but I'm I'm sure that was a slug shot in the dark with no particular target, eh noodle?

They don't understand what you mean because they cannot see past their programming.

 

[Animal Mother]

Aren't you missing a drum jam?

 

[Ksa]

The mother is the most positive role model for the children to follow. If the children follow their mother and grow up in cheating on their bf/gf or if they are less fortunate and get married, on their husbands/wives, I would be most delighted. At least, someone understood.

Two people living with each-other their entire life, is the most schizophrenic, mentally insane concept I have come across since my birth. I thought to myself, they can't be serious. And the tragedy is that they were.

My mother was crying every day. Sometimes blamed it on me, saying I'm not sage enough. She had a serotonin problem. We all came to Canada because she couldn't live like that anymore. The constant fighting. The arguing, the crying. The drama. The fucking, you know, she would put on black make-up and it would drip down her cheeks. I was happy with my life and she was not. She wanted more, more, more.

Then I went to school, I had to put my life on halt. I didn't give a flaying rat about what they were teaching me and the use of it. I wanted to be free, like other creatures were. I envied the bunnies that were playing in the grass, they didn't have to go to school and surely didn't have to put up with that shit going indoors.

Do you people ever take a moment of your time to sit down, close your eyes and stay like that for an hour or so, thinking about what the Hell you're doing? Do you? You feel sad. Feeling sad makes you want. When you want, you have to work countless hours to afford what you want because you're clueless about what you want. You define what you want by the adds you see on TV. Kalvin Klein, telling people how they should look and what they should wear.

It has reached a level of mental insanity, and you are predisposing your children to do the exact same thing.

 

[Noodle]

I'm on the fence about this social conditioning; Presently I am thinking that there are reasons some constructs work better for some and not others. I also believe that there is a reason a child should have two parents that are actively interested in what is best for the child.

A lot of broken people come from broken homes, and no amount of reasoning can refute that fact.

 

[n3ophy7e]

The mother is the most positive role model for the children to follow. If the children follow their mother and grow up in cheating on their bf/gf or if they are less fortunate and get married, on their husbands/wives, I would be most delighted. At least, someone understood.

Two people living with each-other their entire life, is the most schizophrenic, mentally insane concept I have come across since my birth. I thought to myself, they can't be serious. And the tragedy is that they were.

My mother was crying every day. Sometimes blamed it on me, saying I'm not sage enough. She had a serotonin problem. We all came to Canada because she couldn't live like that anymore. The constant fighting. The arguing, the crying. The drama. The fucking, you know, she would put on black make-up and it would drip down her cheeks. I was happy with my life and she was not. She wanted more, more, more.

Then I went to school, I had to put my life on halt. I didn't give a flaying rat about what they were teaching me and the use of it. I wanted to be free, like other creatures were. I envied the bunnies that were playing in the grass, they didn't have to go to school and surely didn't have to put up with that shit going indoors.

Do you people ever take a moment of your time to sit down, close your eyes and stay like that for an hour or so, thinking about what the Hell you're doing? Do you? You feel sad. Feeling sad makes you want. When you want, you have to work countless hours to afford what you want because you're clueless about what you want. You define what you want by the adds you see on TV. Kalvin Klein, telling people how they should look and what they should wear.

It has reached a level of mental insanity, and you are predisposing your children to do the exact same thing.

You kinda lost me about the point you're making with relevance to the thread, however I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear your mother put you through such emotional baggage at a young age. Humans deal with things in strange ways sometimes. I hope she's doing better these days, and I hope you've got a good relationship with her

 

[blue1995]

The child is four. At that age they don't know or understand infidelity, it would just confuse the issue in a child's mind. They don't even understand that sex is a sacred part of marriage, why this bond isn't shared outside the marriage, what sex really IS beyond (possibly) the most rudimentary understanding... There's no reason to bother him with all of that; just the fact that mom and dad decided not to live in the same house together anymore will suffice, for now. Kids have a way of finding things out on their own, anyways. I would just leave the door open that if he has any questions, to ask, with a promise to be honest. That's what I did with my son. That way he can ask me when he's ready to know, instead of me bombarding him with TMI and creeping him out.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Excellent post

 

[kytnism]

ive struggled to reply to and avoided this topic for days as i cant simply imagine the betrayal and loss you must be feeling. i keep thinking "hes lost his wife, best friend, family unit, trust in the people he had reason to trust the most, his childs long term stability and lifestyle as he knows it; overnight, what can i simply say to someone in that position?"

i still dont have the words to make it all right; all i can say is please, take care of yourself. people so far have embellished on how hard you have to strive to not allow your child not to suffer as a result of this outcome. that is a lie. your wife is the person to carry that burden, not you. you are the victim and were not the perpetrator in sacrificing the sanctity of the family unit; why in your own grief should you be accountable for catering, yet again for everyones needs but your own?

love and nurture your child in such an ugly position against all odds and to the best of your ability? YES, but also nurture your own needs. you will be heavily in mourning and have every right to be. a happy child stems from a happy parent, but children are patient, and while your hurting may be affecting them, it can be turned around simply by them seeing their parent happy and stable again. they just look forward to seeing their daddy happy and "normal" as they remember so please work and focus on you and regaining yourself, and as a result your childs happiness will follow.

good luck op. please keep us updated as to how you and your child are progressing. there are many good and bad days ahead. rest assured youre in good company and this community is always ready to listen and lend a supportive ear.

...kytnism...

 

[Ksa]

The child is four. At that age they don't know or understand infidelity, it would just confuse the issue in a child's mind. They don't even understand that sex is a sacred part of marriage, why this bond isn't shared outside the marriage, what sex really IS beyond (possibly) the most rudimentary understanding... There's no reason to bother him with all of that; just the fact that mom and dad decided not to live in the same house together anymore will suffice, for now. Kids have a way of finding things out on their own, anyways. I would just leave the door open that if he has any questions, to ask, with a promise to be honest. That's what I did with my son. That way he can ask me when he's ready to know, instead of me bombarding him with TMI and creeping him out.

Marriage is a sacred part of sex. It's not sex that fits into marriage, it's marriage that fits into sex because sex is much older then marriage and marriage was developed to accommodate sex among other things.

 

[blue1995]

Marriage is a sacred part of sex. It's not sex that fits into marriage, it's marriage that fits into sex because sex is much older then marriage and marriage was developed to accommodate sex among other things.

Whatever, dude. Again, you totally miss the point of the conversation.

 

[pofacedhoe]

A child's intelligence is more or less set at 6. .

what does this even mean?

children can understand certain things but not others. for example before 4 years they think people are asleep when you say they are dead.

a child might appear to understand something but really not be able to conceptually grasp the true meaning

 

[Middleway]

Marriage is a sacred part of sex. It's not sex that fits into marriage, it's marriage that fits into sex because sex is much older then marriage and marriage was developed to accommodate sex among other things.

Hmmm, interesting. Tell me more about this man named Jesus..

 

[Ksa]

Whatever, dude. Again, you totally miss the point of the conversation.

Sacred implies it is religion bound. Do you go to the priest every time you have sex? No! You go the the priest every time you get married. Sex is not sacred, in fact, according to most religions, making sex is a sacrilege, it is seen as an abomination.

Your trouble is, you use words because it sounds well, you don't carefully look at the meaning.