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Bluelight Crew
Hey guys. Breaking away from my tradition of long-winded posts complaining about my life I thought I'd share with you my success story when it comes to overcoming both benzo and opiate addiction in the hopes that this may help some of you 'see the light'.
Let's see. I started using benzos a bit over a year ago. I was prescribed tetrazepam (one of the weaker ones, mostly a muscle relaxant) following an accident where I severely damaged my neck. I was supposed to take minuscule dosages, like 25mg a day or something but obviously this escalated very quickly and within a few weeks I was up to about 1g a day (this wasn't prescribed). Then I switched to xanax and that's when it all went really, really downhill. To give you an idea, I was on 8mg twice a day in the last few months so I was pretty much a walking zombie. I didn't feel anything except for emptiness or depression; I spent every single day in a daze or asleep (most of the time asleep in literally every single one of my classes), cut off contact with everyone because all I could think about was the xanax - well, you all know that feeling I'm sure. It was horrible, it was truly eating at me and destroying every single thing that actually made me a person.
The wake-up call for me was when I tried to kill myself. I think this made me realize how much the drugs had fucked me up. I had been in an extremely bad place for years but I don't think I'd have tried to commit suicide were I not under the influence, in fact I know I wouldn't have. Though the benzos may have helped me feel better in the beginning, very quickly they just made everything a billion times worse and eradicated all prospect of happiness if I stayed on them.
So when I woke up the day after downing a bottle of whiskey and something like 25mg of xanx I decided I needed to quit immediately if I wanted a chance to feel better. I threw them all out and withdrew cold turkey, which by the way I'm absolutely not recommending because that was extremely stupid and it could have gone very badly. I went into full-blown withdrawal, shaking, panic attacks, brain zaps, insomnia, hallucinations and even 2 seizures. It was fucking bad, to say the least, but I went through with it. The urge to use again was unbearable but every time it crept up on me I projected myself into the future: sure, they would make me feel better for a couple hours, but then what? I'd just go back to hating myself for letting myself down. I'd hate myself for turning myself back into a zombie. I'd hate myself for not giving myself the chance to be happy.
Instead, I decided to write down whatever feelings or thoughts I had when the urges came up. This usually translated into some pretty violent writing but there's no harm in that. It was a wonderful outlet, even though it doesn't sound like it.
I also forced myself to go out during the first few weeks of withdrawal - after the intense physical part had died down, that is. I got extremely depressed after that so I made myself walk around for at least 2 hours every day. I'm absolutely positive this made a gigantic difference, rather than if I'd stayed cooped up in my room the whole time.
I didn't relapse again on xanax for many months, and even then it was quite minor. Once again, the urges were dreadful but I just did the same as before and I got through it. I withdrew during the studying period for my end of high school exams too, which just made the whole thing so much worse.
Anyway, a couple months after that I traded that xanax addiction for an oxycodone one. Luckily, I recognized that one for what it was extremely quickly and was able to kick it using the same techniques (though I have to say I found the physical part way less awful so that made it easier for me; but that depends on the person I suppose). So that's just to say rtading addictions is pretty common and nothing to be ashamed of or to beat yourself up about.
So anyway, today I still use drugs recreationally once in a while but no xanax or oxy. I'm lucky in that I manage to keep everything under control now but of course you have to be very careful. Although I can't say I'm anywhere near happy now, I know that had I still that monkey on my back I would've made myself be long-gone by now.
That was just to say to anyone out there who's feeling helpless that there's always hope to overcome your drug problem. You ARE strong enough. You CAN do it.
Would've written a longer post but I broke my right hand so I've been having to type all this only with the left and it's taking a really long time, haha.
Let's see. I started using benzos a bit over a year ago. I was prescribed tetrazepam (one of the weaker ones, mostly a muscle relaxant) following an accident where I severely damaged my neck. I was supposed to take minuscule dosages, like 25mg a day or something but obviously this escalated very quickly and within a few weeks I was up to about 1g a day (this wasn't prescribed). Then I switched to xanax and that's when it all went really, really downhill. To give you an idea, I was on 8mg twice a day in the last few months so I was pretty much a walking zombie. I didn't feel anything except for emptiness or depression; I spent every single day in a daze or asleep (most of the time asleep in literally every single one of my classes), cut off contact with everyone because all I could think about was the xanax - well, you all know that feeling I'm sure. It was horrible, it was truly eating at me and destroying every single thing that actually made me a person.
The wake-up call for me was when I tried to kill myself. I think this made me realize how much the drugs had fucked me up. I had been in an extremely bad place for years but I don't think I'd have tried to commit suicide were I not under the influence, in fact I know I wouldn't have. Though the benzos may have helped me feel better in the beginning, very quickly they just made everything a billion times worse and eradicated all prospect of happiness if I stayed on them.
So when I woke up the day after downing a bottle of whiskey and something like 25mg of xanx I decided I needed to quit immediately if I wanted a chance to feel better. I threw them all out and withdrew cold turkey, which by the way I'm absolutely not recommending because that was extremely stupid and it could have gone very badly. I went into full-blown withdrawal, shaking, panic attacks, brain zaps, insomnia, hallucinations and even 2 seizures. It was fucking bad, to say the least, but I went through with it. The urge to use again was unbearable but every time it crept up on me I projected myself into the future: sure, they would make me feel better for a couple hours, but then what? I'd just go back to hating myself for letting myself down. I'd hate myself for turning myself back into a zombie. I'd hate myself for not giving myself the chance to be happy.
Instead, I decided to write down whatever feelings or thoughts I had when the urges came up. This usually translated into some pretty violent writing but there's no harm in that. It was a wonderful outlet, even though it doesn't sound like it.
I also forced myself to go out during the first few weeks of withdrawal - after the intense physical part had died down, that is. I got extremely depressed after that so I made myself walk around for at least 2 hours every day. I'm absolutely positive this made a gigantic difference, rather than if I'd stayed cooped up in my room the whole time.
I didn't relapse again on xanax for many months, and even then it was quite minor. Once again, the urges were dreadful but I just did the same as before and I got through it. I withdrew during the studying period for my end of high school exams too, which just made the whole thing so much worse.
Anyway, a couple months after that I traded that xanax addiction for an oxycodone one. Luckily, I recognized that one for what it was extremely quickly and was able to kick it using the same techniques (though I have to say I found the physical part way less awful so that made it easier for me; but that depends on the person I suppose). So that's just to say rtading addictions is pretty common and nothing to be ashamed of or to beat yourself up about.
So anyway, today I still use drugs recreationally once in a while but no xanax or oxy. I'm lucky in that I manage to keep everything under control now but of course you have to be very careful. Although I can't say I'm anywhere near happy now, I know that had I still that monkey on my back I would've made myself be long-gone by now.
That was just to say to anyone out there who's feeling helpless that there's always hope to overcome your drug problem. You ARE strong enough. You CAN do it.
Would've written a longer post but I broke my right hand so I've been having to type all this only with the left and it's taking a really long time, haha.
