hey guys,
i wanted to share with my story with you guys and ill apologise in advance for the lengthy post.
it begins and ends with meth.
i have been a weekend user for about 3 years now. never let it get any further than that. but when it came to friday afternoon, i would knock off work and before i even had the chance to eat dinner or even have a conversation with my family i would have my lips wrapped around a pipe. at the time i didnt see anything wrong with it. I always told myself " as long as im working and im doing well in trade school it fine." i was far from right. I believed that through my whole addiction until my girlfriend entered the scene (bet ill get back to here later). i have a fear of disappointing the people around me and its turned out that that fear has worked in favour for me and has eventually lead me to what i am today.
i have now "quit". i say "quit" because with ice you never know..
im writing this in hope that it finds someone that could be in a similar situation to me and it wakes them up or at least help them understand whats going on. i never had any guidance, instructions or support in this field. I just relied on myself to hold control. My best mate from childhood also did it, another mate dealt the stuff and any house party i went to it was there. i couldnt get it out of my sight and in a way it made me think that it was ok. i was wrong..again.
i have been going out with my girlfriend (mary) for 6 years now.. she thinks i have only smoked meth once. and her finally knowing was what opened my eyes to what i was doing.
it was the weekend of her 21st birthday. when she found out i had never seen so much disappointment and heart break from one person. i felt like the worst person in the world. The worst part was there was no yelling, no slapping, no nothing. just her soft, gentle voice filled with disappointment and disgust whisper "who are you?" and her eyes glistens with tears on disbelief and broken trust.
the next day i had to go to sydney for work and i wrote a short story on meth while i was on the plane. i re read it every day to remind myself that nothing is worth losing over a white rock that does nothing but keep you awake and destroy your life.
and the story goes...
Sin and Regrets love child.
no sleep last night and i cant see myself getting any tonight. playing a game of football on meth makes you feel like you are playing like a pro. You want to run more, you are oozing with confidence and you feel like nothing can hold you back..except for the last quarter. it felt like i had been hit by a train. ive spent all the energy i didn't have and the only thing that can replace it now is sleep…or more meth. With an important night ahead i went for option B.
I was Craving it on the way home from footy. Couldn't help myself.
Remember driving down buck st with tingles going down my spine at the mere thought of it.
Dubs took his time getting back with some scales. Had a burn or two of what i had left before dubs got back and as soon as the bowl ran dry every minute felt like 10 while I waited for more.
Saturday night goes on and so do the bowls.
Somewhere between her party and passing out in bed later i managed to enjoy myself. Somehow scrap together maybe 4 hours of "sleep" that night.
What even is meth sleep?
Is it just at that point where all you can think about it is the people you are disappointing by defiling our bodies with what we called only just a few hours ago... "The coota shit". So you lay your tense, restless muscles and your beating heart is wanting nothing but freedom from this devil rock that slave drives you to the point of tight momentum through your whole abdomen. You stare blankly at the ceiling above as the "love of your life" does everything in her power to make you feel like a king.
But who is she really pleasing?
Me or the monster I invite over to stay maybe once or twice a week.
I feel my love and want for her growing. Her beauty sending me on journeys this devil wouldn't even consider blessing me with. But what is it worth when everything I give her is gift wrapped with sin.
Who am I?
Waking up from a meth sleep is like waking up from a dream you had last week, but only remembering it today. You're not quite sure what's going on or what you did while your soul was dragged away from the back of yours eyes and returned to you only a few hours later.
Did i miss him? Or has he always been gone?
You still don't feel the burden of the sin and you are just a stretch away from starting your day. There is no snooze button on a meth sleep. When its over its over and you don't have a say.
What do we find in something that renders us useless under it's power?
Is it a break from reality?
Or is it a fear of missing out?
Or could it just be the immense beauty as you watch the tangible devil turn to a cloudy day?
Turning back is unheard of.. But then again.. so is insanity amongst us.
Its sunday night and im confronted by the women i have laid all my trust and my life with for the past six years. I will never forget the look in her eyes before she asked the question.
"Did you do ice?"
Frozen in fear of losing the only bindings of my whole sanity.
"im sorry"
Her hazel eyes staring deep inside me. Tearing me apart from the inside out. The next question I'm asked was the most hard hitting question of my life thus far.
"Wh..Who are you, Jordan?"
Deeper than a knife could ever cut. I watch tears run down her face and before i could even respond she turns and walks back into her house.
Hearing that door slam after was brutal. For me at the time it felt like i had just thrown the last 6 years of heaven down the stairs to hell.
I love her more than life her self and it felt like life was at an end.
i was severely bullied as a child and never had any friends but this was the most isolated and alone I had ever felt. nothing could make me feel better. Nothing.
Every time i am tempted to smoke now i read this and think to myself that is a night staying up with the same people as last weekend, chewing each others ears off with the same stories as last week really worth losing the one I cant possibly live without? My answer is always instantly no.
Now, im not trying to tell people to not do it or you are a "scumbag" or whatever for doing it. as you now know i was a user.
all im doing is releasing my story for whoever wants to hear it. If it helps just one person see a different path or even double thing about their next smoke, then im happy.
No matter what you are told or what you may want to think.. Meth is not recreational.
- Janga
i wanted to share with my story with you guys and ill apologise in advance for the lengthy post.
it begins and ends with meth.
i have been a weekend user for about 3 years now. never let it get any further than that. but when it came to friday afternoon, i would knock off work and before i even had the chance to eat dinner or even have a conversation with my family i would have my lips wrapped around a pipe. at the time i didnt see anything wrong with it. I always told myself " as long as im working and im doing well in trade school it fine." i was far from right. I believed that through my whole addiction until my girlfriend entered the scene (bet ill get back to here later). i have a fear of disappointing the people around me and its turned out that that fear has worked in favour for me and has eventually lead me to what i am today.
i have now "quit". i say "quit" because with ice you never know..
im writing this in hope that it finds someone that could be in a similar situation to me and it wakes them up or at least help them understand whats going on. i never had any guidance, instructions or support in this field. I just relied on myself to hold control. My best mate from childhood also did it, another mate dealt the stuff and any house party i went to it was there. i couldnt get it out of my sight and in a way it made me think that it was ok. i was wrong..again.
i have been going out with my girlfriend (mary) for 6 years now.. she thinks i have only smoked meth once. and her finally knowing was what opened my eyes to what i was doing.
it was the weekend of her 21st birthday. when she found out i had never seen so much disappointment and heart break from one person. i felt like the worst person in the world. The worst part was there was no yelling, no slapping, no nothing. just her soft, gentle voice filled with disappointment and disgust whisper "who are you?" and her eyes glistens with tears on disbelief and broken trust.
the next day i had to go to sydney for work and i wrote a short story on meth while i was on the plane. i re read it every day to remind myself that nothing is worth losing over a white rock that does nothing but keep you awake and destroy your life.
and the story goes...
Sin and Regrets love child.
no sleep last night and i cant see myself getting any tonight. playing a game of football on meth makes you feel like you are playing like a pro. You want to run more, you are oozing with confidence and you feel like nothing can hold you back..except for the last quarter. it felt like i had been hit by a train. ive spent all the energy i didn't have and the only thing that can replace it now is sleep…or more meth. With an important night ahead i went for option B.
I was Craving it on the way home from footy. Couldn't help myself.
Remember driving down buck st with tingles going down my spine at the mere thought of it.
Dubs took his time getting back with some scales. Had a burn or two of what i had left before dubs got back and as soon as the bowl ran dry every minute felt like 10 while I waited for more.
Saturday night goes on and so do the bowls.
Somewhere between her party and passing out in bed later i managed to enjoy myself. Somehow scrap together maybe 4 hours of "sleep" that night.
What even is meth sleep?
Is it just at that point where all you can think about it is the people you are disappointing by defiling our bodies with what we called only just a few hours ago... "The coota shit". So you lay your tense, restless muscles and your beating heart is wanting nothing but freedom from this devil rock that slave drives you to the point of tight momentum through your whole abdomen. You stare blankly at the ceiling above as the "love of your life" does everything in her power to make you feel like a king.
But who is she really pleasing?
Me or the monster I invite over to stay maybe once or twice a week.
I feel my love and want for her growing. Her beauty sending me on journeys this devil wouldn't even consider blessing me with. But what is it worth when everything I give her is gift wrapped with sin.
Who am I?
Waking up from a meth sleep is like waking up from a dream you had last week, but only remembering it today. You're not quite sure what's going on or what you did while your soul was dragged away from the back of yours eyes and returned to you only a few hours later.
Did i miss him? Or has he always been gone?
You still don't feel the burden of the sin and you are just a stretch away from starting your day. There is no snooze button on a meth sleep. When its over its over and you don't have a say.
What do we find in something that renders us useless under it's power?
Is it a break from reality?
Or is it a fear of missing out?
Or could it just be the immense beauty as you watch the tangible devil turn to a cloudy day?
Turning back is unheard of.. But then again.. so is insanity amongst us.
Its sunday night and im confronted by the women i have laid all my trust and my life with for the past six years. I will never forget the look in her eyes before she asked the question.
"Did you do ice?"
Frozen in fear of losing the only bindings of my whole sanity.
"im sorry"
Her hazel eyes staring deep inside me. Tearing me apart from the inside out. The next question I'm asked was the most hard hitting question of my life thus far.
"Wh..Who are you, Jordan?"
Deeper than a knife could ever cut. I watch tears run down her face and before i could even respond she turns and walks back into her house.
Hearing that door slam after was brutal. For me at the time it felt like i had just thrown the last 6 years of heaven down the stairs to hell.
I love her more than life her self and it felt like life was at an end.
i was severely bullied as a child and never had any friends but this was the most isolated and alone I had ever felt. nothing could make me feel better. Nothing.
Every time i am tempted to smoke now i read this and think to myself that is a night staying up with the same people as last weekend, chewing each others ears off with the same stories as last week really worth losing the one I cant possibly live without? My answer is always instantly no.
Now, im not trying to tell people to not do it or you are a "scumbag" or whatever for doing it. as you now know i was a user.
all im doing is releasing my story for whoever wants to hear it. If it helps just one person see a different path or even double thing about their next smoke, then im happy.
No matter what you are told or what you may want to think.. Meth is not recreational.
- Janga
