well, where to begin?
the first thing you need to know is that i have ADHD. and i have it pretty bad. here is a list of the symptoms i experience:
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Some inattention (depends upon how interesting/engaging the subject/task is) which can result in 'zoning out', and often does. Also manifests as becoming enthralled with something (old magazine, book, etc) while doing work or uninteresting activities
Excessive mental, verbal, and physical hyperactivity (can't stop thinking or talking, mind racing and flitting from subject to subject. Physical symptoms in order of most common: sucking on tongue, picking at scabs/acne, clicking pens or other items, bouncing leg, pacing usually when talking on phone)
Severe impulsivity particularly regarding speech (not thinking before speaking) and playing video games and similar activities (little control over when and for how long)
Lack of motivation for work resulting in severe procrastination (tasks seem overwhelmingly long, wasteful, etc, no matter how small)
Excessive negative thoughts (self criticism, self hatred, hopelessness/failure to see a point in things, and brooding on past/present wrongs committed against me) typically adding to lack of motivation and typically causing mild to severe depression
Very powerful emotional responses seemingly out of nowhere/without reason (something someone says or does will elicit a hugely disproportional response in a fraction of a second which results in a huge overreaction)
Inhibition of empathy (less prominent)
Poor social interaction particularly in knowing what to say/do, how to respond, and discerning different meanings (determining if people are kidding or not, etc), and picking up on social cues such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions
Very few symptoms can be influenced or managed through willpower because my brain essentially works against itself.
All symptoms are present everyday in varying levels of severity without medication.
Urge to self-medicate is almost unbearably strong. The best comparison is a very annoying itch which constantly irritates you but can only be scratched by taking some drug, typically the type does not matter, although some drugs only alleviate the itch, whereas actual medication will improve many symptoms as well.
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now that you know that much, here are the life events you should be aware of:
my mother was diagnosed with a stage IV cancer, and it was an exceedingly rare kind (of all the people she went to, they had only heard of 2 other cases). on top of knowing almost nothing about the disease, it was found to be particularly aggressive. she went through several surgeries and over a year of chemo. during this time, my parents decided to split up. you can imagine the constant fighting and arguing over who gets what, etc, as well as the overwhelmingly bitter feelings from all involved. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when i was just turning 13. they decided to split up when i was 15.
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i started high school a year after my mom was diagnosed. i had been chronically and severely depressed since i was 12, so you could imagine how much these events only added on to that. i had no motivation for anything in high school, and spent much of my time using video games as an escape. actually thats how i spent pretty much all my time. i would even stay up late at night on school nights until 2 or 3 in the morning just playing video games on a regular basis. so on top of all of that other stuff, i was chronically sleep deprived throughout my first 2 years of high school. i struggled through both years, making mediocre grades on most counts, but they were all across the board. i never failed a class, but i came close twice. time dragged on, my depression only worsened, and the fact that i didnt know i even had ADHD at that time made it even worse because i just blamed myself for being weak and lazy and unmotivated and pathetic and stupid. i still feel that in many ways. finally, a week or two before my 3rd year of high school was going to start, i tried a drug for the first time. i was nearly 16. the drug was alcohol. i found a nearly full bottle of 80 proof liquor that had been in the back of the fridge for a long time. i had no idea what to expect, what it would feel like, or anything. i was totally ignorant. all i knew was i was feeling very sorry for myself, depressed, and i NEEDED to escape or i was going to end up killing myself (all of these things i struggled with silently, no one knew and i didnt want to tell anyone nor did i know i should or how to go about doing so). so i drank. i drank probably 3 shots worth. when i began to feel the effects of a drug for the first time, i became ecstatic. i had no idea that it could be so fun, etc. so i went back, and ended up draining the whole bottle. suffice it to say, i did some very stupid things outside that night, although i did not have legal trouble or get arrested or anything. i did embarrass myself very thoroughly though. this began my foray into psychoactive substances that is still going on to this day. a few weeks went by after the first time i drank anything before the thought occurred to me to look and see what kind of prescriptions we still had in the medicine cabinet. i pulled out every pill bottle one day when i got home from school (my dad worked until 5-6 and i got back around 3) and googled the name of every drug. among them were 'hydrocodone' and 'oxycodone'. after reading for several hours online, i realized i had powerful narcotics on my hands. i planned out exactly how much i would use with each dose to ensure i didn't OD or anything and to see what effects different doses produced. the first real high i got from them was from 15mg of oxycodone. it was nice, but not extremely strong. i dosed with the oxy 2 other times with 20mg the next time and 25mg the time after, spread out several days apart. next i tried the hydrocodone. for me, hydrocodone produces an effect easily 2x that of oxycodone (even though in most people the opposite is true). i took 15mg of hydrocodone and got a very powerful high, much more than the oxycodone. i did it once more with 25mg, producing even stronger effects. finally, wanting to push the limit, i did a CWE on the remaining 10 hydrocodone pills resulting in water saturated with 50mg of hydrocodone. i put the water into a water bottle and took it to school with me. i downed the entire bottle at about 9:20am. I started feeling preliminary effects around 9:40am. by 10:00am, there was a very strong energetic and sedating high taking effect, and i was thoroughly enjoying it. by 10:20am, i was peaking. if you have experienced a powerful opiate high, you know the sheer ecstasy that was taking hold of me. the high plateaued at the peak for around 30 minutes, then declined to another plateau, and so on until the last effects faded at about 2:00pm. that was the last of the hydrocodone. however, the foundation had been laid. i began to explore more and more psychoactives online, looking anywhere for another high. this period lasted for several months. to sum everything up, i experimented with DXM, caffeine in copious amounts, alcohol, tobacco, a LOT more oxycodone (i found a bottle of 120 small 5mg oxycodone tablets with no APAP in them, and in all probably used 80 of them, with 20 missing when i first discovered the bottle. it was for my mom, but it was for something she was past. somehow i controlled myself enough to avoid physical addiction, but psychologically i was addicted until i ran out.), codeine, more oxycodone, more hydrocodone (all of these i got for various medical reasons, but waited out the pain from the medical reason and just abused the narcotics), then i went to the doctor and was finally diagnosed with ADHD (which i am STILL learning about), and started taking Adderall for it. i started taking it properly, but after a while i began to abuse it on and off but still use it for its intended purpose. next came poppy seed tea, as i searched for that opiate high again (opiates remain my favorite) then i tried weed for the first time. like many others, i fell in love with it instantly. i smoked a copious amount for the final 2 months of my 3rd year in high school, and nearly every day throughout the summer and off and on the next school year. i am still depressed. every day of my life if i dont take adderall or some other drug, i constantly feel a NEED to do a drug. it is a constant itch that is impossible to scratch with anything other than a potent drug. it is a drive which easily exceeds the strength of my sex drive (male). in addition, it is nearly impossible to get anything done without my medication (adderall), just as it was before i got the adderall. in many ways it is a help, but tolerance from daily dosing is a problem. the only way i could get anything done before was by procrastinating to the last second (and i mean the LAST second), and sometimes that didnt work either. ultimately what im trying to say is i NEED the medication, but im definitely addicted to it.
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i guess ultimately im looking for comments, insight, etc... but my main questions are:
how do i cope without using drugs on a day-to-day basis? does anyone with a similar condition have any insight they can provide? and how can i deal with all the cravings i get CONSTANTLY?
when im on anything, i want to get clean of everything, but when im clean, all i want is to get on something again. its impossible to fight because i like the drugs when im NOT on them, i completely adore them, i lust after them, etc. but when i AM on them, i just want to live life without them and try to be myself and stop relying on them. i always feel like i can do it when im on them, but when im off them, my mind turns completely negative again (this is a major symptom of the ADHD) and i become totally pessimistic and take pleasure in self destruction. while it may seem like an easy thing to 'think positively', ive tried countless times, with as much determination as possible, and i just cant do it. its impossible. everything is bleak and hopeless no matter how i think about it or look at it. not to mention all the other symptoms and a total lack of motivation. i have experienced this my entire life.
help please?
P.S. sorry i didnt realize how long this post was... i appreciate it if you read it tho :/
the first thing you need to know is that i have ADHD. and i have it pretty bad. here is a list of the symptoms i experience:
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Some inattention (depends upon how interesting/engaging the subject/task is) which can result in 'zoning out', and often does. Also manifests as becoming enthralled with something (old magazine, book, etc) while doing work or uninteresting activities
Excessive mental, verbal, and physical hyperactivity (can't stop thinking or talking, mind racing and flitting from subject to subject. Physical symptoms in order of most common: sucking on tongue, picking at scabs/acne, clicking pens or other items, bouncing leg, pacing usually when talking on phone)
Severe impulsivity particularly regarding speech (not thinking before speaking) and playing video games and similar activities (little control over when and for how long)
Lack of motivation for work resulting in severe procrastination (tasks seem overwhelmingly long, wasteful, etc, no matter how small)
Excessive negative thoughts (self criticism, self hatred, hopelessness/failure to see a point in things, and brooding on past/present wrongs committed against me) typically adding to lack of motivation and typically causing mild to severe depression
Very powerful emotional responses seemingly out of nowhere/without reason (something someone says or does will elicit a hugely disproportional response in a fraction of a second which results in a huge overreaction)
Inhibition of empathy (less prominent)
Poor social interaction particularly in knowing what to say/do, how to respond, and discerning different meanings (determining if people are kidding or not, etc), and picking up on social cues such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions
Very few symptoms can be influenced or managed through willpower because my brain essentially works against itself.
All symptoms are present everyday in varying levels of severity without medication.
Urge to self-medicate is almost unbearably strong. The best comparison is a very annoying itch which constantly irritates you but can only be scratched by taking some drug, typically the type does not matter, although some drugs only alleviate the itch, whereas actual medication will improve many symptoms as well.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
now that you know that much, here are the life events you should be aware of:
my mother was diagnosed with a stage IV cancer, and it was an exceedingly rare kind (of all the people she went to, they had only heard of 2 other cases). on top of knowing almost nothing about the disease, it was found to be particularly aggressive. she went through several surgeries and over a year of chemo. during this time, my parents decided to split up. you can imagine the constant fighting and arguing over who gets what, etc, as well as the overwhelmingly bitter feelings from all involved. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when i was just turning 13. they decided to split up when i was 15.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
i started high school a year after my mom was diagnosed. i had been chronically and severely depressed since i was 12, so you could imagine how much these events only added on to that. i had no motivation for anything in high school, and spent much of my time using video games as an escape. actually thats how i spent pretty much all my time. i would even stay up late at night on school nights until 2 or 3 in the morning just playing video games on a regular basis. so on top of all of that other stuff, i was chronically sleep deprived throughout my first 2 years of high school. i struggled through both years, making mediocre grades on most counts, but they were all across the board. i never failed a class, but i came close twice. time dragged on, my depression only worsened, and the fact that i didnt know i even had ADHD at that time made it even worse because i just blamed myself for being weak and lazy and unmotivated and pathetic and stupid. i still feel that in many ways. finally, a week or two before my 3rd year of high school was going to start, i tried a drug for the first time. i was nearly 16. the drug was alcohol. i found a nearly full bottle of 80 proof liquor that had been in the back of the fridge for a long time. i had no idea what to expect, what it would feel like, or anything. i was totally ignorant. all i knew was i was feeling very sorry for myself, depressed, and i NEEDED to escape or i was going to end up killing myself (all of these things i struggled with silently, no one knew and i didnt want to tell anyone nor did i know i should or how to go about doing so). so i drank. i drank probably 3 shots worth. when i began to feel the effects of a drug for the first time, i became ecstatic. i had no idea that it could be so fun, etc. so i went back, and ended up draining the whole bottle. suffice it to say, i did some very stupid things outside that night, although i did not have legal trouble or get arrested or anything. i did embarrass myself very thoroughly though. this began my foray into psychoactive substances that is still going on to this day. a few weeks went by after the first time i drank anything before the thought occurred to me to look and see what kind of prescriptions we still had in the medicine cabinet. i pulled out every pill bottle one day when i got home from school (my dad worked until 5-6 and i got back around 3) and googled the name of every drug. among them were 'hydrocodone' and 'oxycodone'. after reading for several hours online, i realized i had powerful narcotics on my hands. i planned out exactly how much i would use with each dose to ensure i didn't OD or anything and to see what effects different doses produced. the first real high i got from them was from 15mg of oxycodone. it was nice, but not extremely strong. i dosed with the oxy 2 other times with 20mg the next time and 25mg the time after, spread out several days apart. next i tried the hydrocodone. for me, hydrocodone produces an effect easily 2x that of oxycodone (even though in most people the opposite is true). i took 15mg of hydrocodone and got a very powerful high, much more than the oxycodone. i did it once more with 25mg, producing even stronger effects. finally, wanting to push the limit, i did a CWE on the remaining 10 hydrocodone pills resulting in water saturated with 50mg of hydrocodone. i put the water into a water bottle and took it to school with me. i downed the entire bottle at about 9:20am. I started feeling preliminary effects around 9:40am. by 10:00am, there was a very strong energetic and sedating high taking effect, and i was thoroughly enjoying it. by 10:20am, i was peaking. if you have experienced a powerful opiate high, you know the sheer ecstasy that was taking hold of me. the high plateaued at the peak for around 30 minutes, then declined to another plateau, and so on until the last effects faded at about 2:00pm. that was the last of the hydrocodone. however, the foundation had been laid. i began to explore more and more psychoactives online, looking anywhere for another high. this period lasted for several months. to sum everything up, i experimented with DXM, caffeine in copious amounts, alcohol, tobacco, a LOT more oxycodone (i found a bottle of 120 small 5mg oxycodone tablets with no APAP in them, and in all probably used 80 of them, with 20 missing when i first discovered the bottle. it was for my mom, but it was for something she was past. somehow i controlled myself enough to avoid physical addiction, but psychologically i was addicted until i ran out.), codeine, more oxycodone, more hydrocodone (all of these i got for various medical reasons, but waited out the pain from the medical reason and just abused the narcotics), then i went to the doctor and was finally diagnosed with ADHD (which i am STILL learning about), and started taking Adderall for it. i started taking it properly, but after a while i began to abuse it on and off but still use it for its intended purpose. next came poppy seed tea, as i searched for that opiate high again (opiates remain my favorite) then i tried weed for the first time. like many others, i fell in love with it instantly. i smoked a copious amount for the final 2 months of my 3rd year in high school, and nearly every day throughout the summer and off and on the next school year. i am still depressed. every day of my life if i dont take adderall or some other drug, i constantly feel a NEED to do a drug. it is a constant itch that is impossible to scratch with anything other than a potent drug. it is a drive which easily exceeds the strength of my sex drive (male). in addition, it is nearly impossible to get anything done without my medication (adderall), just as it was before i got the adderall. in many ways it is a help, but tolerance from daily dosing is a problem. the only way i could get anything done before was by procrastinating to the last second (and i mean the LAST second), and sometimes that didnt work either. ultimately what im trying to say is i NEED the medication, but im definitely addicted to it.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
i guess ultimately im looking for comments, insight, etc... but my main questions are:
how do i cope without using drugs on a day-to-day basis? does anyone with a similar condition have any insight they can provide? and how can i deal with all the cravings i get CONSTANTLY?
when im on anything, i want to get clean of everything, but when im clean, all i want is to get on something again. its impossible to fight because i like the drugs when im NOT on them, i completely adore them, i lust after them, etc. but when i AM on them, i just want to live life without them and try to be myself and stop relying on them. i always feel like i can do it when im on them, but when im off them, my mind turns completely negative again (this is a major symptom of the ADHD) and i become totally pessimistic and take pleasure in self destruction. while it may seem like an easy thing to 'think positively', ive tried countless times, with as much determination as possible, and i just cant do it. its impossible. everything is bleak and hopeless no matter how i think about it or look at it. not to mention all the other symptoms and a total lack of motivation. i have experienced this my entire life.
help please?
P.S. sorry i didnt realize how long this post was... i appreciate it if you read it tho :/
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
