My story of struggling with school

[Dreamgirl21]

Hi guys! Completely new all of this. Have been reading so many posts on this page for a while. Basically I?m a a girl who is a junior in college I struggled with school for so long, as a child always thinking I was never good enough. I knew I could never skip school so going through it and working through it was my only choice. I just continued to do as best as I could do. I always compared my self to others usually family members why are they so intelligent. What?s in them that I don?t have. Anyways I use to keep that at the back of my head. I always though there?s something different with me. Why does it take me much long to figure out and comprehend? That question stayed with me for a while. I was told people who read are smarter. Okay sure I kinda agree. I never really was interested in books, only specific ones that interested me. I read many many books, ones that extremely caught my interest. Other than that reading Shakespeare or even biology textbooks was difficult. Not that it?s easy, but I felt like could never continue to pay attention while reading on because I wasn?t able to comprehend one part before Continuing. I made it with decent grades. I?ve done well in things I have given my heart and mind too. Basically overworking trying to actually get somewhere. Anyways maintained a 3.0 gpa if that matters. Got to college and was excited yet nervous of failing. Failing has been my biggest fear along with the worrying of the future. This general anxiety I always carried, it?s very annoying because you feel tense all the damn time. Like always on fucking fight or flight mode. ( didn?t mean to swear, I rarely do. But do you guys feel me?) Anyways I planned to do well freshman year. But managed one A and 2 C?s and one F in psychology because I didn?t try. It was a lecture class and I guess I wasn?t able to handle the work load with English, bio, soc, and psych. Made it through freshman year. Was sad I failed psych, had some self-esteem issues. Later understood I knew I didn?t try much. Sophomore needed to make sure it never happened. Did pretty decent. Withdrew from some if I couldn?t handle.



Statistics was huge turning point hated that class so much. Dropped half way. And stayed away for a year. Realized I needed to get out of community college and if I wanted to be successful. I need to take math courses. So stats I took it but with an amazing professor. No it wasn?t extremely easy. Would still say difficult but not impossible. I managed to pass that class all on my own WITH NO DRUGS. It was a boost of self esteem and confidence. On a side note. Never taken any drugs until junior year 2nd semester. Which is currently. Finally was like I have been undecided on what I want to pursue because of my indecisiveness and fear of failing and not being good enough and not being smart enough. Overview: I?m just explaining the past 3 years and childhood difficulties. I have learned a lot and reality definitely hit me when I entered college.


Oops let?s go back so I made a friend and we kinda clicked lmao. Anywho he was a bad boy but the most chillest. And I was the most worrisome. So he gave me some adderall and I was hella excited. But only like 2. Forgot how much mg it was a while ago. I felt amazing. It was pure adderall. I never tried any drugs before. I was a good person and had no bad intentions. It was only for the purpose to focus on school. Being able to focus was my issue. Huge issue I didn?t know why i struggled. Fam complained I never listen closely enough. Friends said stop cutting us off and listen first. Never did it intentionally. My mind just zones out to things that aren?t interesting and not even that I?m just thinking of so many things all at once feels like I?m 50 percent not in the moment. Basically back to the anxiety, always worrying about what I need to do next. What I need plan, how to make it work. I used to keep planners never really used them well. I couldn?t found it annoying. Everything was jumbled in my brain. Sadly info overload was how I felt.


I talked to my friend about how I felt like I?m not good enough and that?s somethings wrong. He told me I stress way too much. And it?s not good for me at all. Especially at a young age. When you have anxiety or at least you think you do because you sure worry a lot or most constantly AND you have the a short attention span. When I found out what adhd was I was like oh no that can?t be me. I have to be normal. No no I will not accept me being mentally blah. Lmao. I?m not hyperactive. Ahh little did I know. I was def ignorant didn?t know much about it. Anyways in my own struggle, I was sick and tired. Waves of anxiety and depression lingered. I was like I need to go see a therapist and talk it out. I do everything with my heart. My choices, my decisions, my likes, my dislikes, the way I think most and partly are influenced by my emotions and sometimes it?s not good. It impedes in my learning and decision making. No wonder I?m so indecisive.


After 2 months of waiting and then 2 months of being diagnosed. Finally got my hands on the prescription adderall. Oh and guess what it was not the brand name adderall. Just a diff version sadly. I was pissed. Anywho tried it for 3 days. I felt horrible. Doc prescribed me a fucking depressant...?! I was so so so pissed. Horrible side effects. I was exhausted and couldn?t even drag my self to the library but I did. Took so much energy. I felt like I weighed a lot more than what I was. I had migraines. I had slow migraines. I had some weird issues with my stomach. I had blurry vision. I felt extra extra slow. Like all my energy being sucked out. When back and doc prescribe 10mg of D-amphetamine. Twice a day. After trying this I felt the effects of it working and it felt calming and soothing. My mental fog, my ability to think clearly one thought at a time was much much easier. The side effects were much much gentler. I was annoyed at one thing, or upset. I knew this wasn?t pure adderall. I did so much research. D-amphetamine and aderall are not exactly the same. One is brand name and one is generic. There is a 20 percent difference. I realize this because I didn?t feel the Euphoric rush and extreme energy/speed as everyone says. Like I did when my friend gave my the orange pills 20mg I think. I was totally expecting that while taking these blue oval pills. It?s effectiveness is there. Definitely. I feel better and can actually think before acting. Impulsive decisions are there but I have more time to control how to react to things. From an emotional perspective. First weeks I searched about this drug like a freak. Effects and effectiveness and what to do and how much is okay and what I will experience. I?m only in 2 weeks trying to use d-amphetamine. Trying to manage life now with it and school. That?s how I was led here. Finally gave it a shot Would love any advice and tips. EXTREMELY sorry.... for the long post. But anyone willing to read my story, and share or advise. Would love it. OH AND... if you have questions please ask! DW I will make it short ha ha ha.


-Your girl who dreams of a successful future yet her agony so deep. (It this makes any sense)

 

[herbavore]

I'm just going to be very honest with you and give you an opinion that you probably won't hear much on this forum: your post about your struggles and trying to get a prescribed speed to deal with them makes me very sad. I have a brain just like yours, and possibly a nature like yours as well because extreme anxiety was my default state all during my childhood, adolescence and even into middle age. My ADD constantly made me feel less smart than my very high achieving family and I also felt like I had to work three times as hard in school to concentrate, organize and retain information. But I thankfully grew up in a time that neither pathologized nor medicated this very natural brain variation. I had to 1) accept myself, 2) make strategies to deal with the down sides of ADD 3) find a life path that fit my brain. Both of my kids were diagnosed with ADD. One of the best books we read at the time was by a psychiatrist that had ADD himself. He advocates that people with ADD/ADHD look for work that does not involve sitting all day, does not involve doing the same thing every day and one that hopefully utilizes the creativity that ADD brains are best suited for. I just really hate to see kids get habituated to speed in order to perform in school and later in the workplace. I was an art teacher in elementary and middle school for over 30 years and I can tell you that we are now giving speed to 5 year olds, not to mention giving them the idea that they have a mental deficiency. And by the way, that job fit the psychiatrist's recipe to a tee.

The anxiety is a whole other problem but thankfully one that also has many effective non-drug treatments. Basically it comes down to retraining your own brain away from the thought loops that you have become accustomed to over time. Your college probably offers some sort of mindfulness workshops as well as meditation classes. You will be surprised how much these can address anxiety that you previously thought was "just how you are".

Good luck and remember that you have been raised in a society that gives us a very unhealthy paradigm in which to measure personal success. Don't swallow the kool-aid!

 

[Dreamgirl21]

I appreciate you responding. I totally understand what your trying to say. I just want to make it clear, that I noticed a difference between the two types of aderall medications. Not sure if I mentioned, I am not at all a person to abuse medications for recreational use or whatsoever. Out of curiosity I did my research based on my experiences. If you think I’m using it for the purpose of speed, because I struggle in school that’s not true at all. I know what I have struggled all my life. I know my weaknesses and strengths. Thanks for your honesty though, but wished you’d kinda not judge me like that. Yeah I totally understand the more we are away from these medications the better it is for us and our bodies. I agree there many ways to cope and find strategies so that we can naturally improve our selves. I still do uttilize those and know when I really need it versus when I don’t.

 

[herbavore]

Hey Dreamgirl I did not mean it as a judgment or even to suggest that it would constitute abuse for you to take a medication--that is completely your choice. I just wanted to give voice to the non-medication way to deal with ADD and the very real struggles. I'm genuinely sorry that it came off as insulting to you.