My Story... Dealing With My BF's First Time Relapse

[keiko14]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I joined Bluelight to seek advice from others who might understand what I'm going through. I don't know how to begin asking for help, so I will start from the beginning...

Recently, I began dating my best friend of 6 years who is a recovering heroin addict. He first told me about his addiction 2 years ago after he went to jail where he hit rock bottom, motivating him to go into methadone rehab. He confessed that he had been abusing heroin for years in addition to crack and prescription drugs, which he was buying from 'friends'. Because of his addiction, he's lost everything, his career, his house, his car, all of his belongings sold for drugs.

During his time in methadone rehab, I was there for him and our friendship turned into love. We started a relationship, he moved into my home (he was living with his parents at the time), I drove him to the clinic every day for his dose, I went to work every day and paid all the bills, cooked meals for him. I was happy to do everything because I love him.

A few months into the relationship, something was wrong. He was in the bathroom for 20 minutes at a time, awake all night for days, slept for days, disappearing for hours with the car (he doesn't have a job), etc. I was finding burnt pieces of tin foil in the laundry and the garage. I had to leave on business, and when I returned he had stopped going to the clinic altogether and was now buying take homes from a 'friend'. I had met this 'friend', she is a 'former' addict herself. Needless to say, I didn't like her.

At that point, I approached him. I told him I felt something was wrong and asked point blank "Are you using drugs?" and he got angry and denied it. He said if I loved him, I should trust him. I didn't, so I did a bad thing and I checked his phone. (I told him that I did this immediately and apologized, but please understand how helpless I felt at that point.) I saw messages to this same 'friend' with talk of using opiates, how she loved him and would smoke him out anytime, messages to other 'friends' looking for hookups, it was overwhelming.

This was the day I told him that he couldn't drive my car anymore. I didn't want to enable him. His reaction was not good, and escalated from anger to pushing me, taking my purse, my wallet, my laptop, and my phone and drove off. I waited 1 hour before calling the police because I was scared, for myself but mostly for him. When the police saw him, they arrested him for domestic abuse and then during custody, his charge changed to a felony for possession of narcotic and paraphernalia (the inmate hotline told me this referred to a pipe or smoking apparatus). He spent 5 days in jail and was court ordered to treatment. You cannot know the relief I felt knowing he was finally going to get help.

Fast forward to 1 month later. He's now living back at home with his parents, in suboxone treatment, miserable and angry. I saw him 2 days ago to return his things, and we went through a wave of emotions. We held eachother and kissed, and then he confessed his relapse to me and that it was my fault. That I should have known what I was getting myself into by dating an addict. That he was going to taper off methadone by taking heroin again until he was ready to start suboxone, and I should trust him with that. I shut down and left. It hurt so much to hear him say that, and I know it is the addiction talking and not him.

While this is not his first relapse, it is his first relapse since we've been together and I want to be sensitive and supportive. This is where I need some good advice because I don't know how or what to do. Talking to him is the most difficult part, because he isn't very rational and sometimes I wonder if he wants to get clean, or he's just in treatment because it's court ordered. I'm thinking about couples counseling, but are there counselors with drug experience? Has anyone tried this before?

I'm sorry for the long post. If you read the whole thing, I would appreciate any replies. I need help.

 

[Beachcat]

Wow, you sound like a good partner. My advice to you would be to find someone who can appreciate what you have to give.

I am sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like the worst kind of addict...the type who will do anything, including lying, cheating on and stealing from the one he loves. Good for you for calling the police in the first place. Complete bullshit that he would even try to put one fraction of his relapse on your shoulders. You have nothing to do with it. It is all on him.

I know you may love him, but for your own sake, put some distance between you until you can see if he can get his shit together. It does not sound like he is ready to be sober at all, and the fact that he has already put his hands on you once is a huge red flag. I would run away from this situation as fast as I could, to be honest.

 

[keiko14]

I am sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like the worst kind of addict...the type who will do anything, including lying, cheating on and stealing from the one he loves. Good for you for calling the police in the first place. Complete bullshit that he would even try to put one fraction of his relapse on your shoulders. You have nothing to do with it. It is all on him.

Thanks for your reply and kind words, Beachcat. I do not blame myself, but hearing him place blame makes me scared. I'm scared this means he doesn't fully understand his addiction and that will lead to more inevitable relapses. I confess that relationships aren't perfect, neither am I, and my post skips over every little argument or tiff we've had. I have considered leaving him, but some posts here say the first relapse is the first strike and I should be more supportive than that? My gut feeling is that you are right.

 

[Beachcat]

Go with your gut, lady. This isn't really his first relapse, just his first relapse with you. You would be doing yourself a disservice to ignore this pattern of behavior.

I am usually all for people trying to work things out, but you can never, ever have a real relationship with him while he is stuck in this mindset. He will never be a true partner to you if he can even consider stealing your belongings, putting his hands on you, and putting any blame on you at all for his relapse. He is using you, it is pretty easy to see. I am not saying that he does not love you, he may. But his behaviors both past and present should put off enough of an alarm that you should distance yourself to keep from being used and discarded by someone in the throes of a very unhealthy addiction.

I myself have battled an opiate addiction (and won) but even in my darkest and worst time I never even considered stealing, lying to my partner or violence. My husband helped me through it, but I was completely honest with both myself and him about what was going on...until he is in a similar mind frame you will not be able to have a two sided supportive relationship with him.

 

[keiko14]

Thanks for sharing your story with me, Beachcat, It helps to hear from someone on the other side and although we have never met, I am so glad you conquered your addiction. I agree, I should probably distance myself from him right now until he has been in treatment longer. I guess I was asking about couples counseling because it is so frustrating to reason with him, but I am trying to reason with his disease.

 

[pofacedhoe]

you've been used by an addict. of course his drug problems are always someone elses fault like shoving you and stealing your stuff wasn't his behaviour either. except they all were his behaviours that he chose to do. what has he ever done for you? your description of events would suggest nothing other than sweet talk.

drop this guy like a sack of sand. he'll only drag you down

many people have drug addictions but never end up in prison. its a bad sign that followed up by stealing and pushing you should be a bunting parade of bright red flags fluttering in the wind.

see this for what it is...

 

[llama112]

I feel like you've given him so much (both love and money, items, etc.) and you've given him multiple chances. You have a lot of love and caring to give but it seems like it's going to the wrong person. For him to BLAME you for it? That's just wrong, very VERY wrong!
His treatment may go better if you aren't involved. It is probably best for you to move on. It will be hard, but it may be the best thing to do.

 

[keiko14]

you've been used by an addict. of course his drug problems are always someone elses fault like shoving you and stealing your stuff wasn't his behaviour either. except they all were his behaviours that he chose to do. what has he ever done for you? your description of events would suggest nothing other than sweet talk.

Thank you. I agree with you, I have been used. To be fair, he was not always like this. He was a successful career person with his own house and respectable income, things that I admired. There were times he had been there to comfort me through my own depression or just to enjoy things we have in common. This is how I come to blame his addiction, not him. Is that not the right attitude?

 

[keiko14]

His treatment may go better if you aren't involved. It is probably best for you to move on. It will be hard, but it may be the best thing to do.

Thank you, llama. I agree, from what I understand now he should not be in a relationship while he is in a treatment program. I feel guilt and irresponsible that I let it happen in the first place, but in my defense, I didn't understand the severity of his issue. At this point, I have resolved to remain supportive but from afar.

 

[RobotRipping]

Thank you. I agree with you, I have been used. To be fair, he was not always like this. He was a successful career person with his own house and respectable income, things that I admired. There were times he had been there to comfort me through my own depression or just to enjoy things we have in common. This is how I come to blame his addiction, not him. Is that not the right attitude?

i don't think that's the proper response to this situation. Addiction is not a disease and by making it a 'disease' it allows for all sorts of bullshit to happen and he is abusing that idea you have of addiction. Needing drugs is one thing but being a piece of shit is not a disease, not a recognized one anyway. One may be predisposed to drug use but it's not like a disease and shouldn't be treated as such.

If he were a sadomasochist pedophile, would you excuse that as a disease and stay with him because it's the disease and not him? not likely, so why would you bother in this case? This is coming from a drug addict who does not ever steal, or do anything 'wrong' or against my own moral code. I fuck myself over and take responsibility for it. That you can call a disease if you want, the other things, stealing, lying, cheating, whatever are not part of any disease and are just part of a shit personality.

 

[Pagey]

Oh keiko, I'm sorry. That sounds like an awful situation to have to deal with. Being in a relationship with an addict is just so much pressure on the other person.
Do you know if he might be willing to go into therapy, specifically with a counsellor specialized in drug addiction? The thing is, if he doesn't want to quit, he won't - as you mentioned, maybe he's only in treatment because he has to, not because he wants to. So maybe therapy might help him realize that he really needs to do this, not just for himself but for you as well, and for all the people he cares about.
It kills me to say this but I don't think you should keep your hopes up too much regarding this relationship. He might be the best person in the world when you take drugs out of the equation, but addiction transforms you, as you've clearly noticed. If he's not willing to commit himself 100% to getting clean, it just won't happen - and that's just too unfair for you, it's too much work considering the inexistent gratitude you'll probably get for your efforts, for a while at least.
If he doesn't make it clear that he's really, really going to try to get clean, maybe it would be best for the two of you to go your own seperate ways - maybe once he's been clean a more substantial amount of time you could assess the situation then?
It's awful but there just aren't that many options when you're dating an addict. You can't help him unless he's willing to help himself. I really hope something will work out

Welcome to BL btw

 

[keiko14]

i don't think that's the proper response to this situation. Addiction is not a disease and by making it a 'disease' it allows for all sorts of bullshit to happen and he is abusing that idea you have of addiction. Needing drugs is one thing but being a piece of shit is not a disease, not a recognized one anyway. One may be predisposed to drug use but it's not like a disease and shouldn't be treated as such.

Thank you, I'm sorry to hear you are an addict and hope things are ok for you. I am glad you said this to me. It's true that I have been justifying his poor behavior because of his addiction as a way for me to cope, although my feeling this way doesn't seem uncommon. It's just so hard to see the person he has become.

Oh keiko, I'm sorry. That sounds like an awful situation to have to deal with. Being in a relationship with an addict is just so much pressure on the other person. Do you know if he might be willing to go into therapy, specifically with a counsellor specialized in drug addiction? The thing is, if he doesn't want to quit, he won't - as you mentioned, maybe he's only in treatment because he has to, not because he wants to.

Thank you, Pagey. While he was in methandone treatment, a part of his program included weekly counseling and group meetings which he attended with a sponsor. He seemed much better in methadone treatment. I was heartbroken when he stopped. I think his 'friend' was not supportive and kept telling him how 'bad' methadone is which convinced him to stop entirely. In my opinion, if he is committed to getting clean, he would rid himself of these so called 'friends'. That is the sign I am looking for.

 

[purplefirefly]

You can't do anything for him right now. He has to want to change and get clean. He's never going to get clean with these "friends" he keeps around which begs the question, does he actually want to get clean. He may have been going to counseling while he was in treatment but it doesn't seem like he's faced what he is running away from with his addiction. I believe that addicts are addicts because there is something in their life that they are trying to cope with, be it a traumatic event, chronic depression, anxiety, other mental illness...etc etc. He's never going to get anywhere until he confronts the demon in the closet.

In the meantime, you need to separate yourself from him and his abuse. The fact that he's a junkie and relapsed is not your problem and more importantly, it's not your fault. You need to look after yourself. You fell in love with someone who was trying to get clean, not a lying drug addict. The fact that he doesn't take responsibility for his actions speaks volumes. He's deflecting because pointing the finger at you is easier than pointing it at himself. You did everything you could to help him succeed, the choice is still ultimately up to him.

Keep your chin up. Unfortunately many stereotypes about drug addicts are true. You deserve better than that.

 

[Pagey]

Thank you, Pagey. While he was in methandone treatment, a part of his program included weekly counseling and group meetings which he attended with a sponsor. He seemed much better in methadone treatment. I was heartbroken when he stopped. I think his 'friend' was not supportive and kept telling him how 'bad' methadone is which convinced him to stop entirely. In my opinion, if he is committed to getting clean, he would rid himself of these so called 'friends'. That is the sign I am looking for.

You're right, if he breaks contact with his 'high buddies' or whatever it would certainly be a very good sign...they definitely aren't a good influence on him. It actually sounds like those 'friends' wanted him to fail at getting clean so that they could continue using together.
Maybe you could give him an ultimatum-type deal, like 'it's me or the drugs', or 'me or your addict friends'...kinda sucks if it has to get to that point but it really sounds like you've tried everything, maybe that would be a strong enough wake-up call for him...

 

[lonewolf05]

Thank you so much for this post. I am in a very similar situation with my (now ex) girlfriend. I spent loads of money on vivitrol treatment and taking her out to keep her "busy" that I'm practically broke now. Truth is I was as addicted to her as she was to opiates (IV 30mg oxys). I've come to the determination that drug addicts can not love someone until they are completely clean and are ready to change their life. The best thing for you to do is to not dwell on him, but begin looking for other dating opportunities. You sound like a very decent woman and you deserve a guy who's going to show you mutual love and respect.

 

[keiko14]

You can't do anything for him right now. He has to want to change and get clean. He's never going to get clean with these "friends" he keeps around which begs the question, does he actually want to get clean. He may have been going to counseling while he was in treatment but it doesn't seem like he's faced what he is running away from with his addiction.

Thank you for saying that, purple. My boyfriend has resented me for asking him to choose between me and these 'friends'. The truth is I would love to see him go out more and spend time with real loving and supportive friends. He has hated all of his counselors, so maybe he is deterred by a bad experience. I hope for the best.

Thank you so much for this post. I am in a very similar situation with my (now ex) girlfriend. I spent loads of money on vivitrol treatment and taking her out to keep her "busy" that I'm practically broke now. Truth is I was as addicted to her as she was to opiates (IV 30mg oxys). I've come to the determination that drug addicts can not love someone until they are completely clean and are ready to change their life. The best thing for you to do is to not dwell on him, but begin looking for other dating opportunities. You sound like a very decent woman and you deserve a guy who's going to show you mutual love and respect.

Thank you for sharing this, lonewolf, and I am sorry to hear about your ex-girlfriend. I will be thinking of her. After reading all of these caring and thoughtful replies from everyone, I have resolved not to dwell too much, just remain as supportive as I can from a distance. Dating will probably not happen for me for a while because I do sincerely love my boyfriend, but I agree, my boyfriend cannot take care of anyone else including me until he takes care of himself.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Thank you. I agree with you, I have been used. To be fair, he was not always like this. He was a successful career person with his own house and respectable income, things that I admired. There were times he had been there to comfort me through my own depression or just to enjoy things we have in common. This is how I come to blame his addiction, not him. Is that not the right attitude?

my opinion is that people are their behaviours and if they have ones that are really bad and you make excuse after excuse then all you will get out of them are more of these behaviours.

its your life- what behaviour do you want in it from others? whatever you tolerate is what you will end up with

the other things, stealing, lying, cheating, whatever are not part of any disease and are just part of a shit personality.

nuff said

 

[keiko14]

my opinion is that people are their behaviours and if they have ones that are really bad and you make excuse after excuse then all you will get out of them are more of these behaviours.

Thank you for your honesty, and to everyone else, thank you. When I first posted here, I was feeling helpless and thought couples counseling was the answer. It sounds like the general opinion is to let him be for now, and it hurts to say, but the drugs have turned him into a bad person. I don't want to be with a bad person. All I want is to see him recover and find his way.

 

[Wolfmans_BrothEr]

I'm goingthrough heroin addiction and I wish I had a gf like you. mines the complete opposite. anywho no matter how bad my addiction was I would always try my hardest not to leak my shut onto the other ppl in my life. def not stealing from them and putting my hands on them

I've done a lot of shit I regret during my addiction, and I know how that shit can change u, but u need to think about when he's backed against a wall it seems like his first reaction would be to take it out on you, and he can't see how your really just trying to help the guy.

i know for me I never really learned my lessons til I lost everything that was ever important to me. sometimes less is more and if you really care for this kid and want it to work between you then it seems like maybe you need to let him go, let him hit bottom again so he can really realize the good person you are and everything you've done to help him. he should be grateful of you not take you for granted. damn I wish my ex was like u... I shud give u her number so u can teach this both a few lessons on how to take care of a man

 

[keiko14]

i know for me I never really learned my lessons til I lost everything that was ever important to me. sometimes less is more and if you really care for this kid and want it to work between you then it seems like maybe you need to let him go, let him hit bottom again so he can really realize the good person you are and everything you've done to help him. he should be grateful of you not take you for granted. damn I wish my ex was like u... I shud give u her number so u can teach this both a few lessons on how to take care of a man

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I'm sure it must have been hard for your ex too. I watched my boyfriend suffer with his addiction for years before he settled into rehab. My understanding of his situation did not come easily. It just became more complicated when we began a relationship, and I am trying my best to do what is right. Is taking care of a man letting him go when he needs to be? I hope so.