Father Apoklyps
Greenlighter
Hi all,
My name is Father Apoklyps and I'm semi-new here (past e-mail got hacked and frozen). I, like most people on TDS, would please just like some advice or at least someone to listen without judging...
I'm an atypical, rapid cycling bipolar I sufferer with ADHD, a diagnosis for which prognosis is generally very poor. I am on 4 psych meds: 2 mood stabilizers, Adderall XR, and an antipsychotic. Bipolar disorder is completely ruining my life. It isn't enough anymore that most days are spent in some sort of living hell (in fact, I spend little enough time in a normal mood state that it can be hard to remember what "normal" is like...), but every aspect of my life is falling apart. I'm not sure if I have many friends left, having threatened them and humiliated myself in front of them. I have had sexual indiscretions in my relationship. I have difficulty keeping a job longer than a year. There is a voice inside my head that I can only describe as pure malevolence. I've won the lottery in terms of luck in always quitting before getting fired and staying out of legal troubles. It is near impossible to get rid of stress. My eyes now have a permanently insane look. I do hallucinogens occasionally and smoke 0.5g of pot per day, divided into 2 doses spread out (I smoke medicinally for the mood lift, which seems to act as an anti-psychotic, and very effective). My problem began long before I had seriously tried any psychoactive substance, other than caffeine. There is so much more pain that I could write a full book and still not fully describe what a severe bipolar person goes through.
The worst thing that I've destroyed is my relationship. I have/had a relationship with a wonderful woman, my common-law wife. She is the kindest, most loving, and supportive person I know. We have known that we are soul-mates since we began to get to know each other, and have been together since for over 2 1/2 years. I have been in love once before, but it was nothing like this. She wasn't my soul-mate. You just know that kind of thing when it happens. We have a beautiful baby boy, and made so many plans for an amazing future together. My problem is that I've become physically, as well as verbally abuse (verbal and often more kinds of abuse are pretty much a given in a bipolar relationship). Normally, I think abuse is sick and depraved, but when I am psychotic it is a different story. Sometimes, I don't remember what happens. When I do, it only feels like I'm touching her lightly, and I will never believe her when she says I am hurting her. This last episode, which brought me into a deep depression, was the first time that she was genuinely afraid of me. Also of note: I am only 140 lbs, but stronger than many guys twice my size (literally, I trained to be like that), and I don't feel pain or have any sense of rationality when I am in the worst of an episode. I have beat up 10 guys all between 180-220lbs surrounding me without being touched, before rampaging and beating down everyone in my path. That's the power of strength coupled with psychotic rage. So she has a very good reason to be afraid, even if I have never hurt her anywhere near severely. Even so, it will haunt my conscience everyday (and has been), until I die. She says that I am the best boyfriend she's ever had (I'm nice when normal), but that the problem is, my condition is getting worse, and I'm getting more unstable.
She's afraid for herself (though not enough to leave me), for any legal repercussions I may face in the future, and for our son. He shouldn't have to be hurt or watch mommy be hurt. And I agree. Now, she is considering leaving with baby, for his and my sake. I have ruined the most important thing in my life, ever. I can't imagine life without her (though she promised I will still see her and baby, and she still will love me). She isn't sure she can commit to a relationship that she isn't strong enough to support and may have to live apart from either. I understand her reasons and I wouldn't blame her. She acknowledges that it's not fair to me, but to be forced to deal with a bipolar person is unfair to her. I've looked up stories of bipolar abuse, stories remarkably similar to ours. Those stories made me realize that I have put her through an incredible amount of pain and stress. I love her so much that I will not let her go without a fight. I am open to anything that will make this work. I am open to inpatient therapy, being committed longer term, or even buying her a tazer. I cannot live letting the love of my life slip away, and letting our son grow up in a broken family.
Coupled with the depression I'm facing, I can barely even keep going. My work at higher education is failing yet again, where I was once, years ago, a "big man on campus". Once upon a time I had my life together, but only on the outside. Then what's on the inside got too strong. I don't even have the will to live anymore. I keep thinking of suicide. My only hope is to keep fighting. To fight to get better. Over 90% of rapid-cyclers will never get better, and 90% of bipolar marriages end in divorce, so the odds are against me. So maybe suicide isn't irrational for me, if most likely this hell on earth will never cease. But first, I am determined to try. I'm the kind of person who believes in living life to the fullest, and you only get one shot. I want this relationship/family to succeed, because it is the only thing in my life that makes it worth living. What I want most is help. How can I stop being so abusive? If there are any bipolar respondants (especially severe ones), what do you do to keep the episodes at bay and to live a fulfilling life?
Also, thanks for taking the time to read through my story.
My name is Father Apoklyps and I'm semi-new here (past e-mail got hacked and frozen). I, like most people on TDS, would please just like some advice or at least someone to listen without judging...
I'm an atypical, rapid cycling bipolar I sufferer with ADHD, a diagnosis for which prognosis is generally very poor. I am on 4 psych meds: 2 mood stabilizers, Adderall XR, and an antipsychotic. Bipolar disorder is completely ruining my life. It isn't enough anymore that most days are spent in some sort of living hell (in fact, I spend little enough time in a normal mood state that it can be hard to remember what "normal" is like...), but every aspect of my life is falling apart. I'm not sure if I have many friends left, having threatened them and humiliated myself in front of them. I have had sexual indiscretions in my relationship. I have difficulty keeping a job longer than a year. There is a voice inside my head that I can only describe as pure malevolence. I've won the lottery in terms of luck in always quitting before getting fired and staying out of legal troubles. It is near impossible to get rid of stress. My eyes now have a permanently insane look. I do hallucinogens occasionally and smoke 0.5g of pot per day, divided into 2 doses spread out (I smoke medicinally for the mood lift, which seems to act as an anti-psychotic, and very effective). My problem began long before I had seriously tried any psychoactive substance, other than caffeine. There is so much more pain that I could write a full book and still not fully describe what a severe bipolar person goes through.
The worst thing that I've destroyed is my relationship. I have/had a relationship with a wonderful woman, my common-law wife. She is the kindest, most loving, and supportive person I know. We have known that we are soul-mates since we began to get to know each other, and have been together since for over 2 1/2 years. I have been in love once before, but it was nothing like this. She wasn't my soul-mate. You just know that kind of thing when it happens. We have a beautiful baby boy, and made so many plans for an amazing future together. My problem is that I've become physically, as well as verbally abuse (verbal and often more kinds of abuse are pretty much a given in a bipolar relationship). Normally, I think abuse is sick and depraved, but when I am psychotic it is a different story. Sometimes, I don't remember what happens. When I do, it only feels like I'm touching her lightly, and I will never believe her when she says I am hurting her. This last episode, which brought me into a deep depression, was the first time that she was genuinely afraid of me. Also of note: I am only 140 lbs, but stronger than many guys twice my size (literally, I trained to be like that), and I don't feel pain or have any sense of rationality when I am in the worst of an episode. I have beat up 10 guys all between 180-220lbs surrounding me without being touched, before rampaging and beating down everyone in my path. That's the power of strength coupled with psychotic rage. So she has a very good reason to be afraid, even if I have never hurt her anywhere near severely. Even so, it will haunt my conscience everyday (and has been), until I die. She says that I am the best boyfriend she's ever had (I'm nice when normal), but that the problem is, my condition is getting worse, and I'm getting more unstable.
She's afraid for herself (though not enough to leave me), for any legal repercussions I may face in the future, and for our son. He shouldn't have to be hurt or watch mommy be hurt. And I agree. Now, she is considering leaving with baby, for his and my sake. I have ruined the most important thing in my life, ever. I can't imagine life without her (though she promised I will still see her and baby, and she still will love me). She isn't sure she can commit to a relationship that she isn't strong enough to support and may have to live apart from either. I understand her reasons and I wouldn't blame her. She acknowledges that it's not fair to me, but to be forced to deal with a bipolar person is unfair to her. I've looked up stories of bipolar abuse, stories remarkably similar to ours. Those stories made me realize that I have put her through an incredible amount of pain and stress. I love her so much that I will not let her go without a fight. I am open to anything that will make this work. I am open to inpatient therapy, being committed longer term, or even buying her a tazer. I cannot live letting the love of my life slip away, and letting our son grow up in a broken family.
Coupled with the depression I'm facing, I can barely even keep going. My work at higher education is failing yet again, where I was once, years ago, a "big man on campus". Once upon a time I had my life together, but only on the outside. Then what's on the inside got too strong. I don't even have the will to live anymore. I keep thinking of suicide. My only hope is to keep fighting. To fight to get better. Over 90% of rapid-cyclers will never get better, and 90% of bipolar marriages end in divorce, so the odds are against me. So maybe suicide isn't irrational for me, if most likely this hell on earth will never cease. But first, I am determined to try. I'm the kind of person who believes in living life to the fullest, and you only get one shot. I want this relationship/family to succeed, because it is the only thing in my life that makes it worth living. What I want most is help. How can I stop being so abusive? If there are any bipolar respondants (especially severe ones), what do you do to keep the episodes at bay and to live a fulfilling life?
Also, thanks for taking the time to read through my story.
