Hi everyone! Lurker for a very long time, usually just reading and searching through the vast knowledge posted here answers my questions. I have spent most of my life battling devastating depression and anxiety starting as a very young kid and not understanding any of it and turned to drugs for relief, usually opiates, cocaine, or meth.
As I got older and had a family, I went the SSRI pharmaceutical route for a while which instead removed all my emotions and made me feel lifeless. It made me care about no one or nothing. Die, live, who cared? I went cold turkey off those, and I had no warning for the withdrawal that was involved in that! I've seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists, and it's never been anything more than either a waste of my time or a chance to refill a prescription to relieve my suffering. I've given up on "professional" help. Half of the time I spent talking to them, they try to put words in my own mouth. Rant there over...
Then a real medical condition arose which gave me access to opiates on a daily basis and a doctor who was willing to prescribe anything I asked for. I entered into a MANY years-long polysubstance addiction which was my self-treatment for depression/anxiety instead of the medical condition (which in honesty was easily faked once the condition resolved to continue getting the opiates). After the doctor apparently came under investigation, with no warning, I was sent cold turkey into withdrawals. It was a horror of many different sorts that lasted a week acutely, and I really felt like I would die at times. I did it all alone by myself at home and was not educated on what to expect... maybe for the best at the time. But it left me with severe PAWS for 4 months that exacerbated my already crippling depression.
I remained sober aside from alcohol for a number of years. Yet there always remained this giant gaping hole in my soul, and the anxiety crept me closer and closer to becoming housebound. I finally became unaccepting of living the rest of my life this way, seeing where this was all heading, and began searching for alternatives again. There were so many new things on the internet now to try. I'd rather be in and out of addiction and withdrawal than living a life of useless sadness, loneliness, and fear of things that don't even exist. At this point, even achieving short-term good quality of life is better than having none ever.
I have tried ethnobotanicals such as kratom with MAGNIFICENT success for my depression, and yes I am addicted to it, but to me it's no worse than being addicted to any antidepressant medication a doctor would prescribe. (And yes, I say those are addictive too because anything that causes withdrawals is obviously physiologically addictive.) Why does a doctor get the right to choose who gets to be addicted and who doesn't? And they don't tell you the majority of pills they hand out will cause you discomfort when you quit anyway! (Sorry, rant again.)
I have also used other things for my anxiety such as phenibut with some relief, but it can be used so rarely that it's not a daily solution but great for the really bad times. I have also been using RCs benzos and tried tianeptine. Anyway, my latest area of experimentation is with the RC market. There are a lot of safety concerns there, and so it has turned me here to Bluelight in search of more answers and to share any of my own information learned.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to being part of this wonderful community. I read the rules and hope that I have done nothing wrong to break any of them, so please let me know if I did!!
Be safe out there!
As I got older and had a family, I went the SSRI pharmaceutical route for a while which instead removed all my emotions and made me feel lifeless. It made me care about no one or nothing. Die, live, who cared? I went cold turkey off those, and I had no warning for the withdrawal that was involved in that! I've seen numerous psychologists and psychiatrists, and it's never been anything more than either a waste of my time or a chance to refill a prescription to relieve my suffering. I've given up on "professional" help. Half of the time I spent talking to them, they try to put words in my own mouth. Rant there over...
Then a real medical condition arose which gave me access to opiates on a daily basis and a doctor who was willing to prescribe anything I asked for. I entered into a MANY years-long polysubstance addiction which was my self-treatment for depression/anxiety instead of the medical condition (which in honesty was easily faked once the condition resolved to continue getting the opiates). After the doctor apparently came under investigation, with no warning, I was sent cold turkey into withdrawals. It was a horror of many different sorts that lasted a week acutely, and I really felt like I would die at times. I did it all alone by myself at home and was not educated on what to expect... maybe for the best at the time. But it left me with severe PAWS for 4 months that exacerbated my already crippling depression.
I remained sober aside from alcohol for a number of years. Yet there always remained this giant gaping hole in my soul, and the anxiety crept me closer and closer to becoming housebound. I finally became unaccepting of living the rest of my life this way, seeing where this was all heading, and began searching for alternatives again. There were so many new things on the internet now to try. I'd rather be in and out of addiction and withdrawal than living a life of useless sadness, loneliness, and fear of things that don't even exist. At this point, even achieving short-term good quality of life is better than having none ever.
I have tried ethnobotanicals such as kratom with MAGNIFICENT success for my depression, and yes I am addicted to it, but to me it's no worse than being addicted to any antidepressant medication a doctor would prescribe. (And yes, I say those are addictive too because anything that causes withdrawals is obviously physiologically addictive.) Why does a doctor get the right to choose who gets to be addicted and who doesn't? And they don't tell you the majority of pills they hand out will cause you discomfort when you quit anyway! (Sorry, rant again.)
I have also used other things for my anxiety such as phenibut with some relief, but it can be used so rarely that it's not a daily solution but great for the really bad times. I have also been using RCs benzos and tried tianeptine. Anyway, my latest area of experimentation is with the RC market. There are a lot of safety concerns there, and so it has turned me here to Bluelight in search of more answers and to share any of my own information learned.
Thanks for reading and I look forward to being part of this wonderful community. I read the rules and hope that I have done nothing wrong to break any of them, so please let me know if I did!!
Be safe out there!
