My Story - And Starting a New Life - Repairing Myself - Quitting Drugs

[PMS]

Allright!

Background:

I'm a 22 year old guy from the far north, who is fed up with my current lifestyle.

(Sorry about incoherent and poor quality writing, I've been up all night drinking coffee, and my head is not working properly.)

Below will be a load of text, skip it if you want: the point is- I've messed up, and going for a lifestyle change, to get my life back on track.

In this thread, I am hoping to post daily and document any progress and change. Any replies would be greatly appreciated.

I'm having a good, yet trippy-feeling and introspective time right now, writing a load of bullshit that may, or may not be of interest to you. Therefore, I've put it in a spoiler. Maybe I should rewrite it or shorten things up, but now I don't really care, you may find it of interest. It might even help other people? And if it's just shit, then I'm sorry. I'm tired and wired right now, and just trying to be honest. I just hope I don't (or do?!) wake up tomorrow and laugh about this, or forget it, thinking everything is really all-right. I know it isn't.

Spoiler

Most of my life, I've been a p***y and attention whore, not standing up or caring for myself, and blaming others and various events for my problems. And if there was nothing wrong, I'd make something up. Often a tiny detail would ruin big things- perfectionism you might say- stupid and problematic I call it. Some kind of neurotic obsession. Life, situations, things were never good enough, no matter how perfect, I suspect there has been something wrong with me since childhood. As a little boy, I remember having intense bouts of sadness and crying, just because there was "something wrong". It hurt really bad, and has been with me until this day. Actually writing this feels very therapeutic, maybe I'm just normal, but whatever... If anyone on here would like to be my psychologist / friend, I'd be happy to talk about anything.

I've been very lucky so far, and gotten many wonderful chances- but I've not appreciated it nearly as much as I should have- wasted so many opportunities, friendships and values for no reason. I was given a wonderful life, love and joy, great talents and good health- then threw it away and destroyed it, being much more effort than just recieving it and being happy. I've seen the light, almost stepped into heaven, and then turned around and walked all the way back. I tried blaming it on depression, but it has turned into self loathing, self harm and even less appreciation and commitment. It's just illogical, makes no sense- yet it has become my life. It feels like I have nothing to be proud of, or contribute with- just a stereotypical drug addict/failed life story. Yeah, complaining and being a drama queen is one of my favourite pasttimes.

I live in the countryside, in a very quiet and small place, where I have no friends, job or school to attend. It is boring. I survive on welfare, which barely covers rent, food and some extras. I inherited alot of money ($11000) half a year ago, but managed to waste all of it in three months- because; i rationalize- I didn't want to, or consider- or feel like- that I could have a good life and future. Blew it on drugs, partying, and lending it to assholes who will never pay me back. I very much regret this, as it was probably my only chance in life to own that much money. If I could travel back in time, I'd move to a city, rent a nice apartment, and buy a quality upright bass. Then take a long vacation and experience something beautiful. There are so many things I'd done differently- though I can't change my past, only now and the future.

Nature around here is beautiful, with the shoreline, forest and mountains close to my house. Tourists come here every summer, and pay lots of money for their stay. I grew up here, and have dream-like memories of my early youth, before it all went to hell around the age of 10. Spent a few years at high school in various places, and studied music for a year in '10. I then moved back here, full of expectations and plans about studying, composing and living a peaceful life. The last year I've mostly been laying in couch with my laptop ontop of me, surfing various websites and doing drugs- all while not being happy about the situation.

(Reading trough this rambling makes me aware that it looks really bad, I'm certainly not healthy at the moment!)

Since sitting around complaining isn't doing me any good, I've decided to start following a new lifestyle plan I've made. I've been "up and down", making decisions like this for my whole life, but previously it's been too extreme and manic to be practical- if you understand. I'm hoping that I will be able to follow my plans this time.

I've smoked cigarettes since 13, pot almost daily since 16, and used a ton of various research chemicals the last year. I've also been abusing video games and surfing the internet (mostly porn) up to 12 hours a day, since I was just a little kid. Spent many years locked up in my room and doing absolutely nothing of value. Entire summers without being outdoors. My diet has been very poor, eating very little, irregularly and of poor quality. To say the least, this has not been healthy.

Been suffering from depression and bi-polar since my early teens, and lately also had other declines in mental health, including poor concentration, memory issues, lethargy and anxiety. Feeling less creative every day, I'm having a hard time focusing my thoughts, expressing feelings and living in general. Can't play music like I used to, something that is very, very important to me. I really want to be able to play like I used to, with all my emotions, technique and knowledge. I used to bring people to tears, euphoria and awe, composed great tracks, played a mean lead guitar and professional level jazz bass. Now it just sounds like SHIT.

Can't remember the tunes I used to know and love. When I listen nowadays, I'm so easily distracted and removed from this world, that I can't dig. It's like I've lost my musical tastebuds. It's so damn tragic that other people feel worse about my situation that I do, I don't think I've realized how bad it's become yet. Maybe my mind is keeping it away from itself, to avoid breaking down completely. All I know is that I'm constantly half-crying (stuffed nose, occasional random tear), lump in my throat and my face is hurting really bad. Sometimes I'd get all devilish and start hitting myself. Also been denying myself all kinds of things, from eating to doing things I like and feeling happy (that's the worst). This other day I beat myself up for starting to cry (for the first time in like two years).

I never had a girlfriend until the age of 20, never thought it would happen. Then I met the love of my life, most beautiful person I've ever met. Instead I got together with a nasty and ugly as hell drug-prostitute, which took all my feelings, values and saved-up personal love and sent it straight to hell. She was laughing about it. All of the time when i KNEW that the girl I really loved got hurt and miserable, destroying our relationship. I've not even spoke with women since this. This episode was really bad and led me into the worst psychotic depression.

I've gotten rather serious HPPD, which is both scary, annoying and a disabillity to me. I have problems focusing and using my eyes properly, things will warp, colours change, and so on. Photos of peoples faces will change expressions. If I stare at something, or just relax too much, I'm having full blown hallucinations. Not like the beautiful, colorful experiences of my first psychedelic trips, but more like a mess of leftovers from 2C-C, 2C-D, shrooms, metocin, psilatecin, 25-C, 25-D, 25-I, MXE, all beautiful substances which I abused carelessly and excessively.

My thoughts and senses are both scattered and limited, as I do alot of subconscious work just keeping my world together. It is as if my brain has been rocked so hard, that it had to create a new "normal" while still under the influence of psychedelics. I'm just trying to relax and make it sort itself out, sleeping alot, and staying off drugs. The last three times I did psychedelics, I had no "extra" hallucinations or curious effects- just felt extra tired and worn-out. Be aware, I don't want other people to experience this- neither the HPPD or not being able to experience psychedelics!

I'd like to call myself a musician and/or artist, since I am very fond of both playing, composing and listening to music. I haven't spent half as much time on music as I have on self-loathing and worthless behaviour, but I am hoping to turn things around and get a new start on life.

SO! What am I going to do about this? I've had my share of truffles and know perfectly well what the deal really is (rather, I'd not think of it too much in detail- ask a mushroom about "Satan" or life-destroying power in general, it's too much black magic for me. I've seen the essence of "Adam and Eve", the origin of life, laughed with joy for three hours! And heard (felt!) the best jokes I ever heard. The more one focuses and looks at something, be it good or evil, the more grand it becomes. The meaning of life, to me, is to become as life'y and happy as one can be, and find the best woman, to have the best child, and therefore be the most happy- both in the process and end result. I'd love to share more of my insights and beliefs once I get my head back on track!)

I just know that I have to fix things, and as I'm without drugs to help me, I will have to start fixing stuff sober.

This is what I've been working on so far:

1. Quitting Bad Habits

I recognize that I have to stop doing things that are not helping me, including:

-No Tobacco, alcohol, or other drug use (including coffee). (Mostly worried about quitting smoking... and having to say no to joints and beers.)
-No Masturbation (seriously, what life form wastes its seeds like this? I need to get laid more often and stop playing with my pecker! It's actually rather hilarious!)
-No Junk Food, Soda or Sweets. Maybe on weekends.
-No Excessive TV or PC (Wasted so many days, months, years on this)

2. Enforcing Good Habits

And when I'm not wasting my time and energy on meaningless activity, I can do this instead:

-Eating right: I'm going for a diet of nuts, oatmeal, fish, vegetables and fruits. With a lot of water with every meal! Drinking tea.
-Exercise: Going for a long walk everyday, and some situps/pushups/squats as well. Stretching.
-Spending time on hobbies and passions: listening to, composing and playing music, practicing my instruments. Reading books.
-Brushing my teeth: I have bad enough tooth decay as it is.
-Taking care of my economy: I would have been a rich man if I had saved the money I spent on self destruction. And when I manage to think straight and positively, there are so many things except drugs that I would get instead- like going to jazz concerts, buying some new clothes, and most of all an upright bass!
-Getting out of bed in the morning, and sleeping 8-10 hours every night.
-Stopping any illogical/destructive/negative thoughts to my best extent.
-Meditation: Keeping focused on what I'm doing, getting back into reality, taming my mind. Enjoying life.
-Writing my diary in this thread.


I'm going to "officially start" this program on Sunday the 24th. I will continue it very strictly as long as I can. Truth be told- I could wait with doing drugs until I'm 30 and still have alot of time- and that's eight years from now!


Thank you very much for your interest, please reply or send me a PM if you want!
-PMS

 

[ugly]

tl, dnr.

But the thread title goes for me too.

 

[stardust.hero]

Hey there PMS, you have a wonderful plan set out for yourself. Please do update your thread. You will receive a lot of feedback and I've seen it really encourage people enough to keep going.

 

[DooMMooD]

I read your whole post as well.

I think anyone sets a future "quit and change my life date" its bound for failure, but thats just my opinion.

If youre so serious, start right the fuck now. No excuses why you cant till sunday, sorry. If you have those still, it means you dont really believe in what youre writing.

I had the SAME EXACT PLAN as you when I left detox, and I flaked for awhile. But I'm doing much better now. All good ideas. BUT, youre missing a crucial element:

Take other peoples advice. Your thinking/mind gets you high. Even my own plan akin to yours wasn't enough, I need(ed) input/advice from outside perspectives. Its a lot easier for an outside observer to help/pinpoint shit than it is for someone inside of the fogged glass. You MUST try (legitimately try, for like weeks/months, not 2 days) things that others recommend.

Because while your plan is a good one, its YOUR plan and from your mind, which as you know, already thought it was a good idea to party for as long as you have and be afraid of shit and all your problems have stemmed from your own head, meaning that the solutions might be warped as well. Sooner you accept that the sooner you can start to overcome your own worst enemy (yourself).

Just my 2 cents. Take it for what its worth.

EDIT: BELOW ME: It's a baby knows whats good. I think you also might be trying to "do it all at once". I'd consider only tackling the illicit, TRULY mind altering drugs. Hold off on quitting caffeine/tobacco for awhile. Baby is spot on on that, do yo want to relapse because you had 1 cigarette when its not ok?

And at the very least start walking. Every day. I promise you will feel better after it, and after enough of it it will encourage you to do more activites. I PROMISE you on this one (I started walking a mile a day a few months ago, now i've been going to the gym 5-6 times a week and walk several miles each day).

Reserve judgement on yourself for awhile. This is also hard as balls but until I started doing that I thought of myself as a miserable piece of shit even WITH clean time. I still thought I was a piece of shit for my past/possible future. And the way you perceive yourself is how others perceive you. Hold off on judging yourself until you got some time, because you may find out that none of what you once thought of yourself is true.

Start taking action TODAY, not Sunday.

 

[It's a baby!]

I read the whole thing. One thing I can tell you as one drug addict to another is that you need to be more forgiving of yourself. Everybody needs to vent sometimes, everybody likes to blame external things for their own fuck-ups. You are not unusual in that respect. If you think hard/pay attention to how everybody else behaves, you'll realize that most people could be called "whiny pussies" at times.

Also you have a drug problem, as you have realized. If you're anything like me when you quit drugs your "whiny pussy" side will get worse before it gets better, because your brain is thinking "what the fuck? where's the meaning? my life is empty! I'd love to eat some shrooms and be given some meaning!". Just be prepared for that. Doing tons of drugs stunts our mental development, but we catch up quick once we stop using.

Also you might be taking off more than you can chew. I've quit beer and pot and all intoxicants but I still use tobacco. I want to quit some day but I cannot handle that much extra stress in my life at this point. I exercise but I don't have an exercise regimen or anything. It's really helpful to make a plan, but don't make a plan so intricate to start out with, because then you might fuck up on something small (like having a cigarette) and use that as an excuse to fuck up on something big (like relapsing into using your drug of choice)

And yeah you're going to go through a rough patch as you withdraw from all the escaping from reality you've been indulging in. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like your creativity is gone to the point that you can't even play guitar properly. My working/short-term memory is so fucked up right now that I cannot read Latin like I used to. I was really good at Latin, like I could pick up Cicero's Pro Archia and just read it pretty well without parsing every sentence. And now I'm not as good, because I did way too many drugs. But I'm just practicing more and I get a little better every day. Same thing with you and guitar: of course doing tons of drugs that mess up your memory are going to impact your ability to do something as complicated as playing a guitar. If you're into it, though, just keep practicing, and don't worry about the fact that you can't play as well as you used to. You WILL get there man, I promise, as long as you stop doing drugs.

It's weird because when I was doing drugs my Latin was awesome. I was used to functioning under the influence. And I think withdrawal is half the reason I'm not as quick with it.

Your basic attitude is great though. Just don't try too hard, and don't beat yourself up because YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT. If avoiding the use of drugs is all you can safely handle right now, then do that. I had a period of a couple of weeks where pretty much all I did was pace around my house. Sleep is important, not essential, you won't die from sleep deprivation, and be prepared for your sleep cycle possibly getting messed up. But you can fix that with good sleep hygiene: create bedtime rituals (I put on pajama pants and make my bed all neat about 2 hours before going to bed), and don't think of it as sleep, think of it as rest, and try to go to bed at the same time every night. But my issues were so bad it took me a week of withdrawal before I was able to even practice sleep hygiene, so it's all about where you're at with yourself. The HPPD shit can be scary because it's a constant reminder of how many drugs you used to do, but it will get a lot better over time and quite possibly disappear on its own after a few months.

Eat well, hang out with good friends, try to find some friends that don't use drugs if you don't already have some. That doesn't mean "throw your stoner friends under the bus", but it can be very helpful to be around people who can just chill and are cool without needing to smoke a bowl every 30 minutes, haha.

I also notice you have a sense of humor about yourself. That's awesome. I do too and it's been essential to my recovery. It's fucking absurd that someone like me became a drug addict. I don't even know how it happened. That's how every drug addict feels, and it feels really good, for me at least, to step back and be like "wow this situation is kind of ridiculous, I went from being on top of the world in one part of the country to spending 11 days in a psychiatric ward to moving 400 miles away to live with my parents again for a while". I could get wrapped up in how fucked up it is that someone like me found himself this fucked up, or I could say "fuck it this is kind of funny really."

 

[villian]

I read the OP but I'm pressed for time and didn't read all the replies so pardon me if someone else already mentioned this:

Rather than trying to quit all your vices at one time I find it is better to pace yourself into a new regimen. If you try to take on too many new habits or end too many old habits at the same time it tends to cause stress and a lot of people will fail altogether and go back to their old ways. If you make one change at a time and slowly build a new routine I believe it has a much better chance of taking a permanent hold in your life.

Good luck! You can do this.

 

[NotQuiteAnonymous]

Your visual problems may be caused by allergies, poor diet, or the simple changes in your eyes that happen as you age. Caffeine and nicotine can and will cause the visual disturbances you describe especially if you are not getting enough sleep.

 

[Beat It]

I didn't read all of that but from what I read good post... I know how it feels to get strung out on caffeine and feel like my whole life is a fucking wreck when I'm coming down from it. I'm the same way with that white girl. I think it helps getting everything sorted out and organized in your mind. It makes you feel like your making progress. I know if I'm stressed out, I write a lot of lists, but a lot of them never get done. However, after a while, sense I thought about these things enough they begin to happen. Good luck, just understand that your human and you can't do everything. Just try to take things one step at a time.

 

[Missykins]

Why don't you write a blog with updates?

 

[stardust.hero]

A lot of users use "their" TDS thread as a means of support through continual updating. One of my favorite threads and one I think was very successful in helping the OP, Anomaly, stay sober was his updating within the thread and the responses to each update he received. Here is the thread:

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/592892-Been-Clean-off-dope-for-3-months

Not to say blogs isn't appropriate but I do think the OP will receive more of a support network if he continues to update his posts in his TDS thread. He is seeking help and reassurance and isn't just looking to talk into a blog.

I definitely encourage the OP to continue updating this thread and to continue seeking support from the community.

PMS, I don't want you to think this has to be taken to blogs. TDS is a special section and threads seeking continual support like this are very welcome.

 

[PMS]

Thanks for the replies everyone, and sorry for the late update.

I find myself rewriting this post alot, so I'm "perfuming a pig" or avoiding an underlying personal problem. It looks fake to me and I forget what the point was supposed to be. Most of all I'm tempted to log off and pretend there is no problem at all, "what is writing on the internet going to help anyway, except distracting my sense of self unto words on a screen". I'm able to meet a life-long friend just next door, who has given me so much advice and so many chances, yet I'm not letting him help me, and here I am trying to excuse myself. I just want a fat joint right now and chill out.

Long story short I haven't followed my plan like I promised. Had a line of speed the 24th, been smoking tobacco. Yeah if I really wanted to help myself, I'd do that, no one else can help me if I don't let them. Problem seems to be much more complex than what is able to share on here, or maybe it's very simple, depending how I look at it. Atleast I will have to decide for real if I'm going for a sober life, if things/past/feelings are worth fixing or if I'm better off just throwing it in the trash. If I for once just could collect myself and have a moment of clarity- well who am I fooling. The last time I had a "moment of clarity" I quickly got myself distracted again, on purpose. I don't see why I'm doing this, every time things are going the right way and people are helping me, I have to destroy what is happening... Actually I think I'm starting to realize what is really happening, I'm afraid of "waking up", living and taking responsibility. See here I am rambling on again. One thing is sure, there is something wrong. If what is wrong is that I'm pretending that there is something wrong, there is still something wrong, right?

I've also been thinking that there sure is a way I'll be able to enjoy drugs without any negatives, that I would just have to learn how to use them. Alot of thoughts going trough my mind lately.

I tried to write a reply the 24th, on the comedown of the speed I had. I sat for over six hours in the same position, compulsively writing long posts and then deleting it afterwards. I wrote three or four replies full of excuses and meaningless points, trying to make sense of a situation that seemed so obvious just hours earlier. Could not stop writing. Only reason I got off the computer was because it crashed (must have been my guardian angel).

I've mostly stayed in bed since then, not feeling very good at all.


Since I'm so evil and low on self control, I might start getting high on others attention. Therefore, I must ask you to not care too much.

To hell with this fool I have become!


I will post back, as soon as I get myself together and all that. Hopefully I'll have something positive to contribute with.


See ya,
PMS

 

[Beachcat]

Wow, PMS...you certainly have a journey ahead of you...I would caution you to remember that this is your life, you have to live it everyday. Just because you smoke a cigarette or have a quick relapse doesn't mean the whole program has to fall to shit...we are all human, these things will happen. Just endeavor to do better tomorrow and keep trucking ahead and it will get easier.

Please update here, it will be great to read about your journey. Be nice to yourself, give yourself some grace.