-
H&R Moderators: streaM Freak
My secret
- Thread starter Imtryin
- Start date
) 
Hi there friends!
day 19 and I i had a good day!! Omg-just when I thought there wasn't going to be any more good days!! I'm so grateful for today.
My pain was at a bearable "3", I wasn't miserable , and I was able to work on my daughters English ISP-which I really hope I get a good grade on.
It was so hard to focus on this project, but we just finished it together. She is a 90 student so her asking me to help her makes me feel amazing. And a little smart. Sometimes I think the drugs killed a bunch of brain cells and I can't do basic grade 10 work. I totally re-wrote Edgar Allen poe s " tell tale heart " seen through the eyes of the old man.
Anyway-I would not have spent the evening with my daughter normally-and this was a great feeling. Well worth all the shitty past few days !!
thanks for listening, and for all your kind words-it truly is what keeps me going
day 19 and I i had a good day!! Omg-just when I thought there wasn't going to be any more good days!! I'm so grateful for today.
My pain was at a bearable "3", I wasn't miserable , and I was able to work on my daughters English ISP-which I really hope I get a good grade on.
It was so hard to focus on this project, but we just finished it together. She is a 90 student so her asking me to help her makes me feel amazing. And a little smart. Sometimes I think the drugs killed a bunch of brain cells and I can't do basic grade 10 work. I totally re-wrote Edgar Allen poe s " tell tale heart " seen through the eyes of the old man. Anyway-I would not have spent the evening with my daughter normally-and this was a great feeling. Well worth all the shitty past few days !!
thanks for listening, and for all your kind words-it truly is what keeps me going
Congratulations.. your amazing. At this point your litterally a virgin. . Ten pills would almost certainly KILL you. Not even joking. So many good people OD right when they relapse. A fraction of our old dose ends up killing us. Wait I hear the addict wispering in your head.. yeah its full of shit.. sure our tolerance drops. But it switches back lighning quick.. two weeks and you will be right back in the hell you fought out of. True
Any form of arobic exercise is your best friend right now.. I know.. when I run into to sadistic fucker that made exercise the cure for fatigue I will happily leave an extra boot print on their forehead for you.
Almost everyone passes out of the PAWS in under eight months.
Your doing fantastic. . Nice work.. respect
Then tomorrow is almost guaranteed to be better.
What determines our experience in life.. big picture?
What determines our experience in life.. big picture?
I'm so very sorry to hear that
. But don't give up!!!!! Every, single time I think about this site, I think about you as a person but also your "username". It's the best
. Just think of it (or at least try to as it's easier said then done) as ONE bad "fucking day"....then think was this bad day worse then day 1, 2 or 3? Don't go back. Keep being "imtrying" and "imwinning". You know I "slipped up" but I hope you don't (not that I'd think any less of you AT ALL if you did cause just immediatedly I felt a bond with you. I check your thread daily with full admiration for you. Seeing that you had a horribly bad day whole heartedly makes me sad. Was it the pain? The withdrawals still? I hate thinking of you having either. I'm going to (as usual,"check in on you" tomorrow, and no.. I may at times be "funny" but I'm not stalking you...haha....I just REALLY REALLY care and I'm pretty sure you know that by now. . I'm hoping to check tomorrow and see that you had a better day. Also, you can private message me since I'm no longer a "green lighter" and can get personal messages but still remain on "The Dark Side" and may remain there for quite some time yet. Lots and lots and lots of love, hope and thoughts are you coming to you tonight from me in hopes that tomorrow (day 21..yay for you!!!) was a much better day then today was for whatever reason that made it so bad.
. But don't give up!!!!! Every, single time I think about this site, I think about you as a person but also your "username". It's the best. Just think of it (or at least try to as it's easier said then done) as ONE bad "fucking day"....then think was this bad day worse then day 1, 2 or 3? Don't go back. Keep being "imtrying" and "imwinning". You know I "slipped up" but I hope you don't (not that I'd think any less of you AT ALL if you did cause just immediatedly I felt a bond with you. I check your thread daily with full admiration for you. Seeing that you had a horribly bad day whole heartedly makes me sad. Was it the pain? The withdrawals still? I hate thinking of you having either. I'm going to (as usual,"check in on you" tomorrow, and no.. I may at times be "funny" but I'm not stalking you...haha....I just REALLY REALLY care and I'm pretty sure you know that by now. . I'm hoping to check tomorrow and see that you had a better day. Also, you can private message me since I'm no longer a "green lighter" and can get personal messages but still remain on "The Dark Side" and may remain there for quite some time yet. Lots and lots and lots of love, hope and thoughts are you coming to you tonight from me in hopes that tomorrow (day 21..yay for you!!!) was a much better day then today was for whatever reason that made it so bad.
Last edited:
I checked several times today hoping to see a comment either here or on my post from you. I'm so much hoping that you've just been busy (since I know you have a busy life) and that today was better for you then yesterday. Please "check in" when you can. Lots of love always coming your way.
. I'm so much hoping that you've just been busy (since I know you have a busy life) and that today was better for you then yesterday. Please "check in" when you can. Lots of love always coming your way.Hi there
yes, I had 3 weeks clean yesterday. But I would have traded every day in and then some if I could of changed the events of Friday. I pretty much isolated yesterday -didnt turn on a computer or a tv. Spent my day in bed. Didn't sleep. Cried all day. More than anything I wanted to feel nothing. But I talked myself through the whole using part of it. I'm bright enough to know that once my 30 minutes of "feel better" is over, all my sadness will be right there ready for me, plus an extra bit of shame of using for no good reason. And I beleive that there is now no good reason to use.
So now what's left for me is to deal with my situation, my feelings. To make the best of of a horrible situation. I can't share with you what happened, I don't want to take the chance of breaking my anonymity. It is so important to me here. Now more than ever. I will tell you that it is my daughters tragedy and not mine. She is ok, well, she will be ok, she seems to be a stronger person than her mother. But you can really insert any tragedy-any bad news -and it's all the same. We have to face painful situations, people die, crimes are committed against others, things beyond our control. Lots of things that happen to us, or to someone we love that are unfair, that really really suck. That are life-changing. For me, I watched a part of my beautiful daughter die on Friday, and there was nothing I could do about it. About the only thing I could do was to NOT take a pill. I told myself all night Friday that if I used, I would be disrespecting her-even though she would probably never know.
So today is Father's Day-the second one without my father alive. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there.
Thanks for listening. I've been here for 22 days and I can not know for sure if I would have made it through this horrible weekend if I hadn't of met you folks first.
yes, I had 3 weeks clean yesterday. But I would have traded every day in and then some if I could of changed the events of Friday. I pretty much isolated yesterday -didnt turn on a computer or a tv. Spent my day in bed. Didn't sleep. Cried all day. More than anything I wanted to feel nothing. But I talked myself through the whole using part of it. I'm bright enough to know that once my 30 minutes of "feel better" is over, all my sadness will be right there ready for me, plus an extra bit of shame of using for no good reason. And I beleive that there is now no good reason to use.
So now what's left for me is to deal with my situation, my feelings. To make the best of of a horrible situation. I can't share with you what happened, I don't want to take the chance of breaking my anonymity. It is so important to me here. Now more than ever. I will tell you that it is my daughters tragedy and not mine. She is ok, well, she will be ok, she seems to be a stronger person than her mother. But you can really insert any tragedy-any bad news -and it's all the same. We have to face painful situations, people die, crimes are committed against others, things beyond our control. Lots of things that happen to us, or to someone we love that are unfair, that really really suck. That are life-changing. For me, I watched a part of my beautiful daughter die on Friday, and there was nothing I could do about it. About the only thing I could do was to NOT take a pill. I told myself all night Friday that if I used, I would be disrespecting her-even though she would probably never know.
So today is Father's Day-the second one without my father alive. Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there.
Thanks for listening. I've been here for 22 days and I can not know for sure if I would have made it through this horrible weekend if I hadn't of met you folks first.
I'm sorry concerning whatever it is that happened to your daughter. I, too, am concerned about a few things I said that if by some chance were viewed by anyone in my area they'd immediately know who wrote it. I just wanted to set everything up quick but then didn't know that you can't change a user name after you join (at least that's what I read). Everyone would know who I am in a second due to the abuse (since it was in the paper), spinal issues and rsd but to top all my sons condition and age. My name is my name basically which sucks because I love this site so if I've viewed it before joining I'm sure at least a few people in my area have as well...........back to you, you are one of the strongest women I've ever met. I don't know what happened (it doesn't matter though because anything bad that happens to our children happens to us as well because there's nothing in this world worse then seeing our children hurt in anyway).....the way it's worded oddly one thing jumped into my mind and I hope I'm wrong but again whether it's big or small, when they are hurting we are too. I hope and pray that things get better soon. I highly commend you for not using though. If it was something devestating, I probably would've used all my pills to be "numb". I envy your strength more then you could possibly know and will forever be here for you
. I, too, am concerned about a few things I said that if by some chance were viewed by anyone in my area they'd immediately know who wrote it. I just wanted to set everything up quick but then didn't know that you can't change a user name after you join (at least that's what I read). Everyone would know who I am in a second due to the abuse (since it was in the paper), spinal issues and rsd but to top all my sons condition and age. My name is my name basically which sucks because I love this site so if I've viewed it before joining I'm sure at least a few people in my area have as well...........back to you, you are one of the strongest women I've ever met. I don't know what happened (it doesn't matter though because anything bad that happens to our children happens to us as well because there's nothing in this world worse then seeing our children hurt in anyway).....the way it's worded oddly one thing jumped into my mind and I hope I'm wrong but again whether it's big or small, when they are hurting we are too. I hope and pray that things get better soon. I highly commend you for not using though. If it was something devestating, I probably would've used all my pills to be "numb". I envy your strength more then you could possibly know and will forever be here for youI want to tell you something quick though...I've heard that you can delete your account and create a new one to change your name but then all threads (and probably posts) will be gone...and I'm feeling like that best for me right now and for my life. If he heard I publically bashed him? I'd be dead in a day. If I do that though, I will find a way of letting you know it's me.
Hello friends
22 days, no pills-lots of pain
sometimes I can't separate the physical from the emotional. Everything hurts so much right now
I am isolating. I called in sick to work today. I am having a hard time not being with my daughter 24/7-but she doesn't want that. She is so amazing. She is angry and hurt but she has this unbelievable need inside of her to forgive. It is what is going to make her a remarkable adult one day-the ability to see beyond She may have gotten that from me, but I don't have those feelings right now. I have no sense of forgiveness. I want to commit multiple crimes. I woke even begin to tell you how my husband feels. I have to be careful to not feed off his anger as well. My daughters decision to handle her tragedy with the grace I can not quite understand should be supported by both of us, because we are told that however she is handling herself is correct-it is what she needs to heal.
Anyway, I'm not sure what is keeping me away from my beloved pills right now. You guys, her, me-I don't know. But every time I think about throwing away my days of clean time, there is another day added to the time, and eventually I don't want to throw those days away.
If if my teenager can get through her days right now without a substance of any kind, I have no fucking business using
she is my inspiration. One day I'll tell her how I got through day 21, 22, and however many ore days I have
thanks for listening. To me
22 days, no pills-lots of pain
sometimes I can't separate the physical from the emotional. Everything hurts so much right now
I am isolating. I called in sick to work today. I am having a hard time not being with my daughter 24/7-but she doesn't want that. She is so amazing. She is angry and hurt but she has this unbelievable need inside of her to forgive. It is what is going to make her a remarkable adult one day-the ability to see beyond She may have gotten that from me, but I don't have those feelings right now. I have no sense of forgiveness. I want to commit multiple crimes. I woke even begin to tell you how my husband feels. I have to be careful to not feed off his anger as well. My daughters decision to handle her tragedy with the grace I can not quite understand should be supported by both of us, because we are told that however she is handling herself is correct-it is what she needs to heal.
Anyway, I'm not sure what is keeping me away from my beloved pills right now. You guys, her, me-I don't know. But every time I think about throwing away my days of clean time, there is another day added to the time, and eventually I don't want to throw those days away.
If if my teenager can get through her days right now without a substance of any kind, I have no fucking business using
she is my inspiration. One day I'll tell her how I got through day 21, 22, and however many ore days I have
thanks for listening. To me
Hello friends
day 23. I have to go to work today. It's funny, because work has always been the place I feel best at. But I have not wanted to leave my house for days now. My daughter is back in school, writing her final exams. She could of gotten out of them, but didn't want to. She is a 90% student , so it's understandable that school is her safe plaCe.
I want to share something that my daughter sent me yesterday.
It was profound for me, maybe it will touch one of you
www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7OGY1Jxp3o
Have a a good day, everyone, imtryin
day 23. I have to go to work today. It's funny, because work has always been the place I feel best at. But I have not wanted to leave my house for days now. My daughter is back in school, writing her final exams. She could of gotten out of them, but didn't want to. She is a 90% student , so it's understandable that school is her safe plaCe.
I want to share something that my daughter sent me yesterday.
It was profound for me, maybe it will touch one of you
www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7OGY1Jxp3o
Have a a good day, everyone, imtryin
Hi there.
Hope you are all having a good day
work was ok, but my daughter had a rough day, so my ok day turned into an emotional nightmare, once again
i have never had to go through feelings this powerful in my life. Nothing that has happened to me comes close to the feelings I habe for my daughters pain. I feel so powerless and angry. I'm not sure what to do with it. I cry. I have screamed into my pillow. I have never even had a gun in my hands, but I want to buy one. I've never felt such rage in my life. And I would really like to stop feeling it, it's not a comfortable feeling. And here I am, fighting all these feelings with 22 days clean. Oh my God -that's tough. And no one knows.
Anyway. You guys know. I'm glad you are here , you are still here, right?
i will NOT take a pill today
thanks for listening
Hope you are all having a good day
work was ok, but my daughter had a rough day, so my ok day turned into an emotional nightmare, once again
i have never had to go through feelings this powerful in my life. Nothing that has happened to me comes close to the feelings I habe for my daughters pain. I feel so powerless and angry. I'm not sure what to do with it. I cry. I have screamed into my pillow. I have never even had a gun in my hands, but I want to buy one. I've never felt such rage in my life. And I would really like to stop feeling it, it's not a comfortable feeling. And here I am, fighting all these feelings with 22 days clean. Oh my God -that's tough. And no one knows.
Anyway. You guys know. I'm glad you are here , you are still here, right?
i will NOT take a pill today
thanks for listening
Hey gmlifer! Thanks
i think i missed a day? Because today is day 25. Glad to say it. And I think I have more wont power than willpower
i woke up this morning felling better. Somehow with all my emotional pain, the physical pain seems to have ended. I think my physical wd's are over. Thank god because that constant ache was a bitch
imam hoping tha today is a good day. For all of you, for my daughter and for me
peace
i think i missed a day? Because today is day 25. Glad to say it. And I think I have more wont power than willpower
i woke up this morning felling better. Somehow with all my emotional pain, the physical pain seems to have ended. I think my physical wd's are over. Thank god because that constant ache was a bitch
imam hoping tha today is a good day. For all of you, for my daughter and for me
peace
I know you're already getting spurts of energy so hopefully that will come back full force.
I hope your family will heal together. I have a 17 year old daughter and couldn't imagine something bad happening to her. Your daughter sounds alot like you, very strong. Hold your heads up high and keep moving forward. Yall remind me of a song, I'll try to find it.
Only the chorus pertains - it says "can't nobody take my pride. Cant nobody hold me down, oh no, I Gotsta keep on movin. "
Love that song.
I hope your family will heal together. I have a 17 year old daughter and couldn't imagine something bad happening to her. Your daughter sounds alot like you, very strong. Hold your heads up high and keep moving forward. Yall remind me of a song, I'll try to find it.
Only the chorus pertains - it says "can't nobody take my pride. Cant nobody hold me down, oh no, I Gotsta keep on movin. "
Love that song.
Last edited: