Hey everyone. I posted frequently here on Bluelight from 2010 to 2011.
I stopped posting around the beginning of fall of 2011. I'd like to talk about what happened to me.
The short version:
I went into psychosis when I was nearly 18 years old. I was experiencing lorazepam withdrawal and side-effects from salvia. I was sent to a hospital where I thought I would be put into an oven. I became catatonic and could not move or speak. I was released after two months. I relapsed, and ended up in the hospital four more times. I go to NA meetings and I'm clean now.
The long version:
Around March of 2011, I used DXM almost every day for a few weeks. In April, I smoked salvia. I became very paranoid. I had been using Lorazepam (Ativan) on a daily basis for about 18 months. after smoking salvia I began to feel like I was going insane. In July and August, I prayed and cried on many nights, begging to stay connected to reality. I deleted all of my Bluelight friends and most of my posts.
In August, I took Seroquel as needed and I became afraid of lorazepam. I withdrew from it too quickly. My behaviour was very panic-based. I stopped eating much. The food looked alive. I suddenly suspected that all of my food contained salvia. I began to have delusions of being stuck in hell and my only solution was to kill myself. I had two knives, and I picked the dull one. I tried to cut my neck a few times but I failed. Anyway, I told my mom to call an ambulance.
The next day, I was stuck in the hospital. I had been on about 3.5mg of lorazepam daily for two years. I was given a high dose of Seroquel. I started to believe that everyone, including my parents, were robots who could be programmed to make me suffer or make me insane. I was put in a wheelchair and brought to the psych ward. I closed my eyes out of fear and kept them shut for hours. I was in my bed but when I took a peek, I saw what looked like the interior of an oven.
I became still. My eyes were closed, my body was rigid. I could not move. My mom begged me to say something. I could not speak.
At some point I was brought into a kitchen. I thought drugs or poison were in the food. The food heater was very loud and large enough to hold a human.
I began to think that I was going to be put into the sterilizer-like machine on my 18th birthday. The shower was old and made screeching sounds. It sounded like someone was having acid poured onto them.
A girl was in the ward and I knew she was feeling a bit like I was. She entered the hallway and peed on the floor. I could tell she was scared. Towards the end of my two-month-long stay, I hugged her and she became talkative.
I came home and stayed clean for about a week. Then I found drugs and became addicted in a heartbeat. For two months (after a month of addiction), I was stuck in my room. Coming from the vents, there was screaming and the word "kill" repeated at a rate of five times per second.
I was sent back to the same hospital ward and realized that most of the experience from the first time could be attributed to lorazepam withdrawal.
In total, I have been in a ward five times since 2011. I've been going to narcotics anonymous meetings and staying clean. I can't stress enough how cold and uncaring these hospitals are.
Thanks for reading this.
I stopped posting around the beginning of fall of 2011. I'd like to talk about what happened to me.
The short version:
I went into psychosis when I was nearly 18 years old. I was experiencing lorazepam withdrawal and side-effects from salvia. I was sent to a hospital where I thought I would be put into an oven. I became catatonic and could not move or speak. I was released after two months. I relapsed, and ended up in the hospital four more times. I go to NA meetings and I'm clean now.
The long version:
Around March of 2011, I used DXM almost every day for a few weeks. In April, I smoked salvia. I became very paranoid. I had been using Lorazepam (Ativan) on a daily basis for about 18 months. after smoking salvia I began to feel like I was going insane. In July and August, I prayed and cried on many nights, begging to stay connected to reality. I deleted all of my Bluelight friends and most of my posts.
In August, I took Seroquel as needed and I became afraid of lorazepam. I withdrew from it too quickly. My behaviour was very panic-based. I stopped eating much. The food looked alive. I suddenly suspected that all of my food contained salvia. I began to have delusions of being stuck in hell and my only solution was to kill myself. I had two knives, and I picked the dull one. I tried to cut my neck a few times but I failed. Anyway, I told my mom to call an ambulance.
The next day, I was stuck in the hospital. I had been on about 3.5mg of lorazepam daily for two years. I was given a high dose of Seroquel. I started to believe that everyone, including my parents, were robots who could be programmed to make me suffer or make me insane. I was put in a wheelchair and brought to the psych ward. I closed my eyes out of fear and kept them shut for hours. I was in my bed but when I took a peek, I saw what looked like the interior of an oven.
I became still. My eyes were closed, my body was rigid. I could not move. My mom begged me to say something. I could not speak.
At some point I was brought into a kitchen. I thought drugs or poison were in the food. The food heater was very loud and large enough to hold a human.
I began to think that I was going to be put into the sterilizer-like machine on my 18th birthday. The shower was old and made screeching sounds. It sounded like someone was having acid poured onto them.
A girl was in the ward and I knew she was feeling a bit like I was. She entered the hallway and peed on the floor. I could tell she was scared. Towards the end of my two-month-long stay, I hugged her and she became talkative.
I came home and stayed clean for about a week. Then I found drugs and became addicted in a heartbeat. For two months (after a month of addiction), I was stuck in my room. Coming from the vents, there was screaming and the word "kill" repeated at a rate of five times per second.
I was sent back to the same hospital ward and realized that most of the experience from the first time could be attributed to lorazepam withdrawal.
In total, I have been in a ward five times since 2011. I've been going to narcotics anonymous meetings and staying clean. I can't stress enough how cold and uncaring these hospitals are.
Thanks for reading this.
