My past = I sexually turn him off

[Dumbo46_]

Hi I'll keep it short. Known this guy since HS, we separate for two years meet back up Aug 2013
Ive only ever had two relationships. 1st lasted a year (gave him oral - Sorta: barely touched it), 2nd lasted a few months but we were friends for 2.5 years prior. we went to prom as friends {lets call my prom date bill and the current guy lance) after we had broken up and stayed friends until june 2013
Lance knew bill, during the time that me and lance were not a part of each others lives, senior year after bill and i had broken up and were only friends. Lance is disgusted because Bill gave me oral once and bill told Lance about all the girls he screwed senior year and deemed him as a scumbag. And because I was with a scumbag he is angry although Bill was a good guy up until we broke up, or at least that's what he showed me. Lance says I did not respect my self for being with Bill and I deserve penance for making a poor decision.
Lance says that I now sexually turn him off.
I do not know what to do. I told lance that hes not fair because he has treated girls like crap and used them and what has happened to him I tried to make a good choice in the men I date. I have always respected my self and demanded that a man treats me like a queen and with respect. This is actually the first time I have had a guy not praise me in every way and say that I disappointed them. Lance thinks I am defending Bill when I talk about our relationship and tells him he was a good guy when with me and not a scum bag but I am just trying to say. I didn't just jump into something without thinking and just "slut around". like some irresponsible girl. Things are getting really bad and Lance is becoming very emotional in what I see as unhealthy ways
I know I should probably just leave but I feel like this may be a problem that can actually get fixed and I want to try

Oh. and hes the first guy to ever penetrate me ... so I don't think I'm some slut, or should be seen as a turn off

 

[pofacedhoe]

wow

lance has issues, i would not stay with someone who said i turned them off. honestly what do you think it will do to your self esteem to stay.

he's got an issue so he's making you feel bad. how is that situation doing anything good for you? the whole thing is childish

 

[Bearlove]

I have always respected my self and demanded that a man treats me like a queen and with respect.

Lance does not treat you like a queen and has a problem- move on . I know its easier said than done but the guy is controlling you and making you feel bad about yourself for no reason (other than whats in his head) - controlling, almost manipulative behavior is a very dangerous trait.

 

[purplefirefly]

To be perfectly frank, tell Lance to fuck off.

You do not have to explain your past relationships to anyone. No one knows the intimate details of your relationship except for you and your partner. It's obvious that Lance has zero respect for you and honestly, you don't need his respect at all. You can do way better than that.


Some things are worth saving and working for but this does not sound like one of them. Your partner should be building you up and supporting you rather than knocking you down.

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I told lance that hes not fair because he has treated girls like crap and used them

If there's a pattern, it's unlikely he has changed...

Tell him to pull his head in or fuck off. You don't need that kind of shit and it will eat away at your self worth.

 

[donkeyPUNCH]

agreed. this dude lance sounds like a bag of douche. I'd lose him.

 

[treezy z]

lance is a pussy and (old-school word) a "simp." he's not gonna be good in bed and sounds insecure as hell.

 

[pokepoke420]

Get the fuck over it. As a human being, you have every right to experience life an every way. If that means screwing some guys, who is anyone to judge? It's your life. Tell this dude to fuck off or get over it.

 

[What 23]

I can identify with Lance, at one time in my life... Being turned off by it (but not really turned off, just mad). As I've aged a little I don't care. People are people. If you can't respect yourself/ others, its hard to see how you can respect others/yourself.

Lance has some growing to do. It may happen suddenly. It may take awhile. It may never happen, soon enough.

Don't be unhappy because of him. Stand up for yourself. Drop him if he can't handle you. You deserve better.

 

[llama112]

Yep, Lance seems like a jerk. If he doesn't respect you, then that is HIS problem and you deserve better.

Seriously, if something like getting oral from a guy previous to when you were dating is an issue.... that's crazy. It was the PAST.

 

[LilbabiC]

Hi I'll keep it short. Known this guy since HS, we separate for two years meet back up Aug 2013
Ive only ever had two relationships. 1st lasted a year (gave him oral - Sorta: barely touched it), 2nd lasted a few months but we were friends for 2.5 years prior. we went to prom as friends {lets call my prom date bill and the current guy lance) after we had broken up and stayed friends until june 2013
Lance knew bill, during the time that me and lance were not a part of each others lives, senior year after bill and i had broken up and were only friends. Lance is disgusted because Bill gave me oral once and bill told Lance about all the girls he screwed senior year and deemed him as a scumbag. And because I was with a scumbag he is angry although Bill was a good guy up until we broke up, or at least that's what he showed me. Lance says I did not respect my self for being with Bill and I deserve penance for making a poor decision.
Lance says that I now sexually turn him off.
I do not know what to do. I told lance that hes not fair because he has treated girls like crap and used them and what has happened to him I tried to make a good choice in the men I date. I have always respected my self and demanded that a man treats me like a queen and with respect. This is actually the first time I have had a guy not praise me in every way and say that I disappointed them. Lance thinks I am defending Bill when I talk about our relationship and tells him he was a good guy when with me and not a scum bag but I am just trying to say. I didn't just jump into something without thinking and just "slut around". like some irresponsible girl. Things are getting really bad and Lance is becoming very emotional in what I see as unhealthy ways
I know I should probably just leave but I feel like this may be a problem that can actually get fixed and I want to try

Oh. and hes the first guy to ever penetrate me ... so I don't think I'm some slut, or should be seen as a turn off

It is a problem that can be fixed but, it's HIS problem not yours. HE has to admit that he has problem and want to fix it. It doesn't seem to me that he is anywhere near admitting that he is wrong. You can't fix someone else only yourself. My advice is to leave him alone before you damage your self-esteem.

 

[purplefirefly]

I can identify with Lance, at one time in my life... Being turned off by it (but not really turned off, just mad). As I've aged a little I don't care. People are people. If you can't respect yourself/ others, its hard to see how you can respect others/yourself.

You were mad about someone's past? How can you be mad at someone for a choice they made before they were with you?

 

[treezy z]

^i think in these cases the dude is just worried they won't measure up (literally) to the dick their woman has taken in the past, it's not really anger it's insecurity manifesting in bitchiness/rudeness etc

 

[What 23]

I didn't particularly like the guy. I wasn't really mad at her. I didn't like thinking about it. For some reason it hurt.

It may have been that I felt insecure. She was more experimental with him/at the time she dated him. It was a new thing. Young high school age. The main thing that bothered me was her sucking him off by the lockers. There were many stories. Just so kinky. Haha.

Cock wise, I doubt I was smaller. Not to say I'm huge. I never really let it manifest, the bad feelings. At least, not obviously to me. But our breakup did take course through this guy. She didn't like that I took acid without telling her/that I took acid as often as she suspected I did. She used him to call me, on 3-way, and ask if I could get him any. I didn't say I could but some things I said revealed my usage- that I had kept it from her. When she brought it up to me, giving me a choice between acid and her basically, I chose not to be tied down.

So in the end, the guy was in part a part of our demise, even if it wasn't related directly to what I had in mind. I guess the fact that she still confided in him pissed me off, which is one reason I dropped her so easily, though it would have happened, anyways.

He always felt bad about it, or it was seemingly with him for years later, as he would bring it up to a mutual friend. For some reason he just always made me uneasy. Insincere (before this), but it could have just been that I didn't get him. But, she was never not sexy to me for anything related.

Like I said, it is in my past. Its not something that bothers me now. I like hearing about partners past partners. Or I like openess. I'd rather they feel comfortable enough to be.

 

[Belisarius]

I deserve penance for making a poor decision.

Penance? Where do you find these people?

Run like hell; you're too young for that shit.

To expand: This guy sounds not only insecure, but dangerous, the kind of man who'll either get violent in the future, or who'll gaslight and string you along until you're a shell of your former self. Really, get out of there.

 

[Dumbo46_]

Penance? Where do you find these people?

Run like hell; you're too young for that shit.

To expand: This guy sounds not only insecure, but dangerous, the kind of man who'll either get violent in the future, or who'll gaslight and string you along until you're a shell of your former self. Really, get out of there.

I know and this might be an excuse but I feel like because we are not actually adults (I consider an adult actually having your life together) he just needs time to grow. I don't know if this is just a thing young guys do or what. hes 20 so I feel like hes just being immature I am not 100% sure. I have talked to adult men about this and they said they went through stages similar and it was hard to get over it but they did and struggled through what is a real relationship. So I just wonder if it is temporary or what?

^i think in these cases the dude is just worried they won't measure up (literally) to the dick their woman has taken in the past, it's not really anger it's insecurity manifesting in bitchiness/rudeness etc

Maybe I defiantly think it is an insecurity but why is he worried about measuring up. I am obviously not with them for a reason

I can identify with Lance, at one time in my life... Being turned off by it (but not really turned off, just mad). As I've aged a little I don't care. People are people. If you can't respect yourself/ others, its hard to see how you can respect others/yourself.

I mean where you turned off by the guy it was but the acts?

It is a problem that can be fixed but, it's HIS problem not yours. HE has to admit that he has problem and want to fix it. It doesn't seem to me that he is anywhere near admitting that he is wrong. You can't fix someone else only yourself. My advice is to leave him alone before you damage your self-esteem.

Ok what if he admits he is insecure and just says it is a part of him and makes up excuses

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

I know and this might be an excuse but I feel like because we are not actually adults (I consider an adult actually having your life together) he just needs time to grow. I don't know if this is just a thing young guys do or what. hes 20 so I feel like hes just being immature I am not 100% sure. I have talked to adult men about this and they said they went through stages similar and it was hard to get over it but they did and struggled through what is a real relationship. So I just wonder if it is temporary or what?

If this is your definition of an adult then at least 70% of the adult population aren't truly adults. Women generally mature faster than women. It may be temporary or it may just be how he is going to be for the rest of his life.


TBPH your justification of his actions is already a warning sign of a form of emotional manipulation going on without you realising it.

Example:

Ok what if he admits he is insecure and just says it is a part of him and makes up excuses

That's manipulation and something you should be far, far away from

 

[Belisarius]

TBPH your justification of his actions is already a warning sign of a form of emotional manipulation going on without you realising it.

/thread.

Re OP:
Good luck; you'll need it. That's all I'm going to say.

 

[claire22]

red alert, this guy is a complete and utter douche. he has absolutely NO reason to think badly of you,.
please don't believe any of the shit he has to say. this is a great example of emotional manipulation. he's redirecting his issues onto you. immature as fuck, and not worth your time and emotional expenditure imo. you deserve better.

if you stay with this guy you will only experience more of the same treatment. be warned.

 

[Dumbo46_]

Ive read what every one has to say and for the most part you are right. I should not be with Lance and I do not plan on being a part of his romantic life anymore anytime soon. For me that part of us (as in me and lance) has been destroyed. He has built up walls and resentment and there is nothing I can do. I have given him many tools and many resources and he does not want to use them to tear down the walls. I cannot break them they are not my walls but I defiantly feel the barrier. He wants me to feel guilty and ashamed of my past and for me to hate myself. But I cannot. I learned so much and yea something I should have learned sooner and I wish I had and that things maybe would have been different but it cannot be changed. If I think I am doing the right thing that is what I will do. I love myself more than any one and the world and no matter what I do I will always love me, maybe it is a survival technique or maybe i am cocky or maybe I am one of the rare people that actually knows how to accept who they are and love themselves. Last night he started shoving in my face how great his relationship with lets say Brittany was. How she made him so happy and she was his first everything (He proposed to her). And I think it is bullshit. My first long term relationship, which honestly a year is not long, every thing was fucking rainbows and ponies I was the happiest person in the world. From beginning to end I have never felt happier in a relationship and we were honest with each other, we went out, we did a bunch of stuff, he complemented me and we had arguments but we always worked it out. And you know why because we were fucking teenagers it may have felt real and love got thrown around and you may have felt like you actually meant it, and at that stage of your life yea maybe it was real, but no. Those were not real problems. Lance relationship with Brittany was nothing more than an unhealthy co-dependence. His need to feel wanted and accepted and liked because he could not find it in himself so he leached all his validations to be someone off of her. He says he learned so much. But he did not everything he says, oh I was with her and I realized I needed to work on this. He said to me long before they got together. He is the same person just in a different way and hardly a healthier one. He improves for a few days then hes back into the same cycle. I love Lance I really do, I always have but I can not make a man who can not find happiness in himself happy and I am not going to be like Brittany and cripple him so that all he does is come back out in the world seeking the same validation because she did not actually help him build it up, which i mean you cant honestly help some one with that, it is their battle. I cannot give a man security that is afraid of a hug, a man that cannot even hug himself or a pillow. I can not break down another persons walls. I hate that he has to fight this alone and sometimes I am not sure if he will ever win. I believe in him, he has the strength but for so long he has used it for the wrong things. I am exhausted and I cannot loose myself in this. Maybe one day it will get better but now certainly is not the time.

I am sorry but I needed to vent, I have a lot more to say but I am just going to stop. Thanks so far with your help, I will probably be needing more advice soon