PinholeStar
Bluelighter
My Own Personal Night-time
Why have I been prompted to write this now, I wonder? A difficult, perhaps impossible, question to answer, yet a question that I ask myself every time I feel compelled to write something, be it ink on paper or, in this case for the first time, typed words on a pixellated screen.
It matters not why, all that matters is that I am.
I sit here alone. Alone. Just me. No one else. Not a soul stirs in this room apart from me (well, as far as I know ;o) And you know what? That’s just the way I like it. Each day leads inexorably to moments just like this one. Me, my thoughts & those things that I’ve chosen to invest my leisure time in – my computer, my books, my games & far & away the most important ingredient of all – my music. Night after night after night it comes back to this, and if I were to be honest I look forward to these moments all through the day. I know that come what may, I will place myself in this seat and here I will stay for hours on end. To a faceless individual watching on a CCTV camera, it would make for some of the most mind-numbingly boring visual entertainment to rival even that of the endless crap that is beamed into our homes via TV on a nightly basis. Save for the occasional flash of physical activity that lasts no more than 20 seconds at a time, all it would appear I do is just sit here and stare at a screen & occasionally click a mouse or reach for a cigarette. But if the camera could be placed so that it were to look at my face, and subtitles scrolled along the bottom of the screen giving alphabetical form to my thoughts – ha, ha….what a show we’d have…
A different story every night, despite what outward appearances may suggest. New lands discovered on a nightly basis. Novel concepts stumbled across and picked over, and then filed away for future reference. Those moments when the kick drum of a tune that I’ve heard 100’s of times takes on a completely unheard of meaning and resonance – those moments when I sit in utter disbelief that it could’ve passed me by so many times previous. Wrapped in the warm embrace of a pair of headphones, I offer my hand to the sonic tour guide that I’ve chosen on a particular night & simply let it take me where it wants to go. Resistance is futile….
Solitude.
When written stark & bare like that on a page it should be almost scary to even look at. But it isn’t. It doesn’t frighten me in the least. It just reminds me that like all the best things in this life, it is best left uncluttered by all the extraneous things that seek to make this world more difficult than it really is. Is it wrong to enjoy one’s own company as much as I do? If I positively disliked being with other people then perhaps it would be. But I know that this isn’t the case. An extended period of nightly solitude is merely a wonderful opportunity to clarify all that races through my mind on a daily basis, to consolidate those thoughts that simply don’t have the opportunity to settle down during the course of a normal day.
The constant flicker of a muted television screen merely serves to provide some interest to my peripheral vision. The soft, ambient glow of my bedside lamp reflecting off the wall gives the corner of my room that houses my bed a welcoming touch that darkness could not provide. A cursory glance over my living space reveals objects in the most unusual positions prompting the question: how the fuck did that get there? How many times do I turn and look over my shoulder at some random item on one of the walls each night? More to the point, how is it that I’m able to find some new emotional evocation each time I do?
There comes a point when the truth is simply undeniable. It cannot be evaded or glossed over. And the truth is this: when I look back at these years in which I currently dwell, when nostalgia takes hold & our old friend memory rears its head, I will talk of the wonderful friends I made, of the lessons I learnt, of the incredible reawakening that took place within my soul after what seemed like an eternity in the wilderness, of the moments of laughter and sadness shared with others………..but beneath it all I will remember these moments of my own personal night-time………………………….and I will smile.
“Spend some time alone every day”………so said the Dalai Lama……..and so say I.
Why have I been prompted to write this now, I wonder? A difficult, perhaps impossible, question to answer, yet a question that I ask myself every time I feel compelled to write something, be it ink on paper or, in this case for the first time, typed words on a pixellated screen.
It matters not why, all that matters is that I am.
I sit here alone. Alone. Just me. No one else. Not a soul stirs in this room apart from me (well, as far as I know ;o) And you know what? That’s just the way I like it. Each day leads inexorably to moments just like this one. Me, my thoughts & those things that I’ve chosen to invest my leisure time in – my computer, my books, my games & far & away the most important ingredient of all – my music. Night after night after night it comes back to this, and if I were to be honest I look forward to these moments all through the day. I know that come what may, I will place myself in this seat and here I will stay for hours on end. To a faceless individual watching on a CCTV camera, it would make for some of the most mind-numbingly boring visual entertainment to rival even that of the endless crap that is beamed into our homes via TV on a nightly basis. Save for the occasional flash of physical activity that lasts no more than 20 seconds at a time, all it would appear I do is just sit here and stare at a screen & occasionally click a mouse or reach for a cigarette. But if the camera could be placed so that it were to look at my face, and subtitles scrolled along the bottom of the screen giving alphabetical form to my thoughts – ha, ha….what a show we’d have…
A different story every night, despite what outward appearances may suggest. New lands discovered on a nightly basis. Novel concepts stumbled across and picked over, and then filed away for future reference. Those moments when the kick drum of a tune that I’ve heard 100’s of times takes on a completely unheard of meaning and resonance – those moments when I sit in utter disbelief that it could’ve passed me by so many times previous. Wrapped in the warm embrace of a pair of headphones, I offer my hand to the sonic tour guide that I’ve chosen on a particular night & simply let it take me where it wants to go. Resistance is futile….
Solitude.
When written stark & bare like that on a page it should be almost scary to even look at. But it isn’t. It doesn’t frighten me in the least. It just reminds me that like all the best things in this life, it is best left uncluttered by all the extraneous things that seek to make this world more difficult than it really is. Is it wrong to enjoy one’s own company as much as I do? If I positively disliked being with other people then perhaps it would be. But I know that this isn’t the case. An extended period of nightly solitude is merely a wonderful opportunity to clarify all that races through my mind on a daily basis, to consolidate those thoughts that simply don’t have the opportunity to settle down during the course of a normal day.
The constant flicker of a muted television screen merely serves to provide some interest to my peripheral vision. The soft, ambient glow of my bedside lamp reflecting off the wall gives the corner of my room that houses my bed a welcoming touch that darkness could not provide. A cursory glance over my living space reveals objects in the most unusual positions prompting the question: how the fuck did that get there? How many times do I turn and look over my shoulder at some random item on one of the walls each night? More to the point, how is it that I’m able to find some new emotional evocation each time I do?
There comes a point when the truth is simply undeniable. It cannot be evaded or glossed over. And the truth is this: when I look back at these years in which I currently dwell, when nostalgia takes hold & our old friend memory rears its head, I will talk of the wonderful friends I made, of the lessons I learnt, of the incredible reawakening that took place within my soul after what seemed like an eternity in the wilderness, of the moments of laughter and sadness shared with others………..but beneath it all I will remember these moments of my own personal night-time………………………….and I will smile.
“Spend some time alone every day”………so said the Dalai Lama……..and so say I.
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